In my head, and in my heart, I suppose, I have certain things that I expect to be done or felt between people who love each other. That if A loved B then X wouldn't really matter but Y would. Now, wait, I sound like I am writing an algebra equation.
I have been quite the observer - particularly over the last three or four years - of people's relationships. Trying to figure out what makes them successful, and where there are signs of failure. Trying, I presume, consciously or subconsciously, to figure it out so I have a better shot the next time I jump into the relationship waters. Trying to figure out what behavior is loving and what is not loving.
And I think I have a pretty good idea of some of the important ingredients necessary for a successful and loving relationship. Some things are pretty straightforward. Things like valuing what your partner values. Being respectful even when you disagree. Realizing that being right doesn't always mean you need to win, and that winning often - at least with arguments - isn't really winning. Lots of good trite guidance, but stuff that nonetheless I believe in. And maybe one day I will write a post about these things. (Or maybe I already did?)
After my marriage came to an end, I was told by more than one person that I needed to find someone who would love me like I loved them. Seems reasonable enough, but what does that really mean? I think it means some of the things I discovered in my observance above. That someone who really loves me will find the things I find important simply because I do. And won't worry about the things I find unimportant. Who will love me for me, and not for my things, or for what I can do or bring to the relationship. Who will love me despite my ADD or maybe even love me for who my ADD has made me - flaws and human and all.
If you have been reading this at all, you'll know that I have dipped my toe into the relationship waters, again. Actually, I seem to have dove in head first. Or more accurately heart first. I tend to do that sometimes. I did bring wee bit of baggage. Criticisms from girls past. Things that I know shouldn't matter but often do or have.
And so, in these early stages, we have traipsed along some of these issues and as I have left myself vulnerable to her and exposed my insecurities, she reacts as I would to someone who would do the same to me. Laugh, basically, and call me silly. Silly to worry. Silly to care. Silly to think that she would care. But not silly in an emotionally abusive intentionally hurtful way, but in a way to help me realize that these matters I take so seriously, and worry so much about, are not so serious, and do not deserve worry. She reassures me in the moment. And then, later, as she's had more time to think on my concern, and perhaps in an unconscious (or conscious? who knows? She's very smart - much smarter than me!) effort to make sure I didn't feel dismissed, she usually will write a follow-up e-mail saying, "Look, Borg, I've really been thinking about Y and how you feel, and I want you to know, I really do believe..." and reassure me again. AND THEN, because that may not be enough, she'll bring it up later in a conversation, gently, and reassure me once again. And IF I am too silly to realize I don't need to be silly, still, and I tentatively express a concern or a worry, she hears my underlying insecurity and addresses it again.
WOW! I mean really.. WOW, right?
I'll give you an example. My most recent insecurity has been coming to accept and acknowledge (although really I'm still in denial) that I am a slob. I am still in denial because I will tell you I am better than many. It is all relative, after all. But I am not the standard that *I* would like to be at, and I do feel, often, that my environment is chaotic. I would prefer to be neater, but there are some bonafide and perhaps less bonafide obstacles standing in my way. (Being Human, see earlier post, is one of them.. SHOCKER!). I do pride myself that I don't have anything growing outside the fridge, but I do also have dust bunnies copulating in the kitchen and the bedroom. They entertain me.... (okay, not, but it sounded cute for a moment in my head).
I worry, needlessly, that she'll step into my home for the first time, see the stacks of papers and go screaming in the other direction. And yet, in addition to her reassurances, I know I don't have to worry. She's the kinda gal who gets upset at people who tweet how much better they feel about themselves after watching Hoarders and pleading for them to have compassion for the mentally ill (although I think she phrases it even nicer than that..) So, it's good to know she'll have compassion for me and my mental illness.. No.. wait.. that isn't where I meant to go. Hmm....
She's coming to visit me soon, and I created a 72 point list of things I'd *like* to do before she gets here to get the house in order (Remember #3 in the list of So Who Am I? is that I'm a geek). But God has a sense of humor, and life, unfortunately, has gotten in the way. Actually, more accurately, death - a parishioner in our church passed away Saturday morning, and I sat with him and with his family the last two days of his life, and will now be with the family in preparing for the funeral arrangements, and prepare at the church for the service itself. As much as I would like to get to those 72 items (or at least, even, 25 of them) the reality is I probably won't get to more than another two or three that are really important and the rest will go by the wayside.. Or, in a fit of idiocy, I'll take everything in the rest of the house and shove it all into one room where I will never let her see... Oh. Wait. She reads this blog... that won't work.. she'll be too curious to open the door NOW!
And she's said to me, quite often, "Look, Borg, the only place I want to be when I come is in your arms. I don't care about the rest...." You know something? I actually believe her.
Now that, my friends, is love...
Showing posts with label FlyLady. Show all posts
Showing posts with label FlyLady. Show all posts
Monday, January 21, 2013
Monday, September 24, 2012
24 hours...
We've all seen the show (even if we haven't watched it) 24 where you can see how the world can be saved over and over again in just 24 hours. A lot can happen in 24 hours.
And about 24 hours after I wrote that last post, a lot had happened.
First, the friend who I was afraid would gloat that she was right, most definitely did.
Second - and maybe this wasn't immediately within the first 24 hours - the Love Boat episodes that I'd been watching on You Tube got pulled for copyright infringement.
Third, I forgot to clean my sink, already.
But fourth, and I'm afraid to write too much at this point, a really promising possible job opportunity may have arisen at the place where I have been contracting.
It is too soon to write too much. At this point, it is an "internal" posting (that they let me respond to anyway) and folks have until this upcoming Thursday to respond. But given that the owner of the company has expressed - in the past - an interest in hiring me, even though we couldn't figure out where - I am hopeful that this may end up being it...
Knock on wood. Keep fingers crossed. And we'll hope that this is what is best for me in this new and next chapter of my life. If I don't get it, don't worry. I've perfected "Sour Grapes" mentality to understand that maybe it wasn't what was for the best for me.
Either way.... I may not turn into a big blob of blubber after all. Unfortunately, my sink may not get clean, either! ;)
And about 24 hours after I wrote that last post, a lot had happened.
First, the friend who I was afraid would gloat that she was right, most definitely did.
Second - and maybe this wasn't immediately within the first 24 hours - the Love Boat episodes that I'd been watching on You Tube got pulled for copyright infringement.
Third, I forgot to clean my sink, already.
But fourth, and I'm afraid to write too much at this point, a really promising possible job opportunity may have arisen at the place where I have been contracting.
It is too soon to write too much. At this point, it is an "internal" posting (that they let me respond to anyway) and folks have until this upcoming Thursday to respond. But given that the owner of the company has expressed - in the past - an interest in hiring me, even though we couldn't figure out where - I am hopeful that this may end up being it...
Knock on wood. Keep fingers crossed. And we'll hope that this is what is best for me in this new and next chapter of my life. If I don't get it, don't worry. I've perfected "Sour Grapes" mentality to understand that maybe it wasn't what was for the best for me.
Either way.... I may not turn into a big blob of blubber after all. Unfortunately, my sink may not get clean, either! ;)
Sunday, September 16, 2012
The Sign on My Wall
So I am a single person who lives alone and has no guests to her home.
Think about that for a moment.
If that was you, what would your house look like?
The answer is simple. It would be whatever, for the most part, you feel comfortable in. Whatever level of cleanliness or or disarray where you felt comfortable. This doesn't mean that the WHOLE house would be some place you'd feel comfortable, but certainly the places where you spent time would be.
This may mean you've ended up restricting yourself to a single room to live in, despite having more space in which to live.
It may not.
But let's face it. If no-one is there to see the dirty dishes, is it really imperative that you wash them? Immediately, I mean.. I'm not talking about putting dirty dishes back in the cupboards or anything silly like that.
And as a single gal, I'll admit there are some clothes that deserve a "special" load and therefore have remained at the bottom of the hamper for months. Maybe even a year. This was even more so when I didn't have a washer and dryer of my own which are recent additions to my household. I wasn't spending $3.50 a load for just a few items I rarely wore (well, maybe that's because I didn't wash them, but, dog chasing tail ... ) when I had plenty of other suitable clothes TO wear.
When I got the washer and dryer, I admit, I gathered all the loose laundry and pulled it all into the back room (which was the mud room/pantry/storage area, and now is also the laundry room) and did a considerable amount of it. So now, instead of being at the bottom of my hamper (although there are a few items still in there, too) there are a few items still sitting in a pile on the floor in the - shall we call it - multipurpose room.
Why make my bed if no-one is going to see it?
My point is (yes, I do have one or two, I think...) that it is easy when you are single and living alone in your own secluded environment to get lazy about the social niceties of housework that others who share their homes might take more seriously. Plus, let's face it, I go through dishes much less quickly than a family of four...
For me, there have been a variety of factors that have led me to my standard of cleanliness. The first is that my mother was never quite the steadfast housekeeper herself. I remember her getting mad at me when I touched the credenza in the front hall and disturbed the perfectly uniform layer of dust. (I really wish I was kidding...) I was only required to clean my room twice a year, and I strongly do NOT recommend this for any parents. Help your kids learn how to clean their rooms and get into the habit of keeping things tidy. It really isn't that hard. When you're a kid. An ounce of prevention, my friends.
The second, I recognize fully, is that I do not have these habits developed. And I can - and do - blame my ADD for this. :) And there are some areas of tidiness / cleanliness that I really do have some big ADD walls about (and I could expound on that but I'll spare you in this entry), but the reality is that there is a lot about my environment that I *am* capable of keeping up, maintaining, and tidying. And for those areas, what often prevents me - lacking a sense of urgency or need - is simply habits.
We'll use my car as an example. At one point, I set it as a goal to make sure that when I came in the house every time, I'd make sure I emptied the car, leaving only the things that belonged in the car regularly in the car. It wasn't too difficult - particularly if I did it every time because really there was only whatever I'd brought in the car. Now mind you, getting that stuff past the living room floor is another issue, but really maintenance on a habit like that is fairly easy. And it doesn't take that much extra time.
The other day I came home from Sam's Club (thank you all for joining me). And I do admit that there was rain that I can use as an excuse, but the reality was that I was feeling lazy. So I calculated what exactly did I *need* to bring in at that moment - what was perishable or wouldn't be happy later when the car heated up with the sun. And what did I want to eat immediately!! ;) And I only brought in that. The rice is still sitting in the back of the car. Along with some spaghetti.
Why? Why would I do that? What was so important that I needed a few extra moments in my home that I couldn't take those moments to bring that stuff in? I have no idea. And I can't tell you that the spaghetti sauce that I *did* bring in has made it to the kitchen from the living room couch. How hard is that? I have no idea.
I am a BIG fan of FlyLady. In theory. But one of their main points is that you didn't get in this situation (they call it CHAOS - Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) overnight, and you're not going to get out of it overnight. And they're about creating habits. And making change incrementally. They're quite wonderful, and I wonder if when they're done getting me getting my house together, if they'd get the rest of my life together, too?
Oh, wait, they will. Because let's face it. If you have what it takes to maintain the daily habits to keep your home in order, you have what it takes to maintain the daily habits to keep your life in order.
Or at least that's what I'm gambling on...
So my contract is coming to an end sometime after this week. All I know is this is my last full week. And I'm a little bit anxious. I'm also in a surprisingly good and positive mood, and I'm not going to fight that. I'm going to try and hold onto it and build it. Positive begets positive, I hope. :)
But one of the things I'm nervous about is losing one other area of structure. Of needing to be so frugal I get stuck in the house doing nothing but watching television on the Internet because that costs me nothing more than the Internet connection I'm already paying. (Who decided that the Internet is SOOOO important (well it is) that it has to be CAPITALIZED? Yes, I'm doing spell check.. Carry on...) I am nervous that I might easily slip into a really bad depression, and sink even further than I have.
Guess what? Good news! I don't want that.
So, I plan intentionally on trying to put more structure in my day and in my life and in my household. Even if it isn't "urgent", even if the world won't fall apart if that pan that is in my sink doesn't get washed tonight, I am going to begin setting new standards for my life. Not inflexible ones, but new habits that are easy to maintain. And slowly, but surely and incrementally, begin to pull myself out of this quicksand and get myself and my life and my household in order.
FlyLady's first step is to clean your sink every night. It always seems silly to me, so even though I think steps two, and three and on are worthwhile, I always get lost on the sink. Tonight, with a black sharpie and blue painter's masking tape, I created a sign I put above my light switch in my bedroom ('cuz when you're single and have no guests in your home you can decorate in classy ways like this) that says: "Before I go to bed at night, I will clean my sink!"
Ask me how it's going... help me stay accountable. ;) Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a pan in my sink I need to go wash.
Think about that for a moment.
If that was you, what would your house look like?
The answer is simple. It would be whatever, for the most part, you feel comfortable in. Whatever level of cleanliness or or disarray where you felt comfortable. This doesn't mean that the WHOLE house would be some place you'd feel comfortable, but certainly the places where you spent time would be.
This may mean you've ended up restricting yourself to a single room to live in, despite having more space in which to live.
It may not.
But let's face it. If no-one is there to see the dirty dishes, is it really imperative that you wash them? Immediately, I mean.. I'm not talking about putting dirty dishes back in the cupboards or anything silly like that.
And as a single gal, I'll admit there are some clothes that deserve a "special" load and therefore have remained at the bottom of the hamper for months. Maybe even a year. This was even more so when I didn't have a washer and dryer of my own which are recent additions to my household. I wasn't spending $3.50 a load for just a few items I rarely wore (well, maybe that's because I didn't wash them, but, dog chasing tail ... ) when I had plenty of other suitable clothes TO wear.
When I got the washer and dryer, I admit, I gathered all the loose laundry and pulled it all into the back room (which was the mud room/pantry/storage area, and now is also the laundry room) and did a considerable amount of it. So now, instead of being at the bottom of my hamper (although there are a few items still in there, too) there are a few items still sitting in a pile on the floor in the - shall we call it - multipurpose room.
Why make my bed if no-one is going to see it?
My point is (yes, I do have one or two, I think...) that it is easy when you are single and living alone in your own secluded environment to get lazy about the social niceties of housework that others who share their homes might take more seriously. Plus, let's face it, I go through dishes much less quickly than a family of four...
For me, there have been a variety of factors that have led me to my standard of cleanliness. The first is that my mother was never quite the steadfast housekeeper herself. I remember her getting mad at me when I touched the credenza in the front hall and disturbed the perfectly uniform layer of dust. (I really wish I was kidding...) I was only required to clean my room twice a year, and I strongly do NOT recommend this for any parents. Help your kids learn how to clean their rooms and get into the habit of keeping things tidy. It really isn't that hard. When you're a kid. An ounce of prevention, my friends.
The second, I recognize fully, is that I do not have these habits developed. And I can - and do - blame my ADD for this. :) And there are some areas of tidiness / cleanliness that I really do have some big ADD walls about (and I could expound on that but I'll spare you in this entry), but the reality is that there is a lot about my environment that I *am* capable of keeping up, maintaining, and tidying. And for those areas, what often prevents me - lacking a sense of urgency or need - is simply habits.
We'll use my car as an example. At one point, I set it as a goal to make sure that when I came in the house every time, I'd make sure I emptied the car, leaving only the things that belonged in the car regularly in the car. It wasn't too difficult - particularly if I did it every time because really there was only whatever I'd brought in the car. Now mind you, getting that stuff past the living room floor is another issue, but really maintenance on a habit like that is fairly easy. And it doesn't take that much extra time.
The other day I came home from Sam's Club (thank you all for joining me). And I do admit that there was rain that I can use as an excuse, but the reality was that I was feeling lazy. So I calculated what exactly did I *need* to bring in at that moment - what was perishable or wouldn't be happy later when the car heated up with the sun. And what did I want to eat immediately!! ;) And I only brought in that. The rice is still sitting in the back of the car. Along with some spaghetti.
Why? Why would I do that? What was so important that I needed a few extra moments in my home that I couldn't take those moments to bring that stuff in? I have no idea. And I can't tell you that the spaghetti sauce that I *did* bring in has made it to the kitchen from the living room couch. How hard is that? I have no idea.
I am a BIG fan of FlyLady. In theory. But one of their main points is that you didn't get in this situation (they call it CHAOS - Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) overnight, and you're not going to get out of it overnight. And they're about creating habits. And making change incrementally. They're quite wonderful, and I wonder if when they're done getting me getting my house together, if they'd get the rest of my life together, too?
Oh, wait, they will. Because let's face it. If you have what it takes to maintain the daily habits to keep your home in order, you have what it takes to maintain the daily habits to keep your life in order.
Or at least that's what I'm gambling on...
So my contract is coming to an end sometime after this week. All I know is this is my last full week. And I'm a little bit anxious. I'm also in a surprisingly good and positive mood, and I'm not going to fight that. I'm going to try and hold onto it and build it. Positive begets positive, I hope. :)
But one of the things I'm nervous about is losing one other area of structure. Of needing to be so frugal I get stuck in the house doing nothing but watching television on the Internet because that costs me nothing more than the Internet connection I'm already paying. (Who decided that the Internet is SOOOO important (well it is) that it has to be CAPITALIZED? Yes, I'm doing spell check.. Carry on...) I am nervous that I might easily slip into a really bad depression, and sink even further than I have.
Guess what? Good news! I don't want that.
So, I plan intentionally on trying to put more structure in my day and in my life and in my household. Even if it isn't "urgent", even if the world won't fall apart if that pan that is in my sink doesn't get washed tonight, I am going to begin setting new standards for my life. Not inflexible ones, but new habits that are easy to maintain. And slowly, but surely and incrementally, begin to pull myself out of this quicksand and get myself and my life and my household in order.
FlyLady's first step is to clean your sink every night. It always seems silly to me, so even though I think steps two, and three and on are worthwhile, I always get lost on the sink. Tonight, with a black sharpie and blue painter's masking tape, I created a sign I put above my light switch in my bedroom ('cuz when you're single and have no guests in your home you can decorate in classy ways like this) that says: "Before I go to bed at night, I will clean my sink!"
Ask me how it's going... help me stay accountable. ;) Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a pan in my sink I need to go wash.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Boot Camp - ADD
As I have discussed before, there are many ways to manage ADD. Pharmaceutical is certainly one popular way. Behavioral is another. It's why I think that recent changes to the way our society operates is encouraging and creating ADD in others where it might otherwise remain dormant, but that's another rant, I mean post.
Structure is supposed to do wonders for kids and adults with ADD. Habits work miracles. And it's true. Once something becomes a habit, then when we don't do it, we feel this pull towards doing it.
It's one of the reasons I like FlyLady. Besides her encouragement that just a few minutes at a time will accomplish considerable amounts (which is true), she encourages us to develop habits, and doesn't try to get us to do it all at once. She recognizes it takes time for habits to develop and doesn't overwhelm us. Problem is as a single person, doing dishes daily seems silly and keeping my sink clean doesn't mean much to me. (Before you think eww, she must have a lot of dishes outstanding, let me be clear of two things: 1) sometimes the only dish might be a cup, or a fork and 2) if I'm gonna wash dishes, I'm gonna get a sink full of sudsy water to do it - I'm gonna do it right!).
But I have tried to add habits like making my bed each morning. And over the last six months, I can see a habit or two that has stuck. My life-span, however, is limited, and adding only a habit or two every six months is kinda slow...
What I really wish I'd had the opportunity to do, frankly, is boot camp. Have someone else altogether tell me what to do. And to do so over and over and over again, until I couldn't help but do it myself on my own. Now, I didn't join the military because at the time I had this not-liking-guns-very-much thing, which has mellowed some in my old age (a natural process when you live with an ex-cop for ten years who keeps a gun in your house - but while I have "handled" a gun, I still have not shot one nor have any particular desire to do so).
But to wake up every morning at the same time every day and then do the same morning routine sounds like heaven to me. How much could I accomplish if I actually knew what to do with myself when I woke up? I know that sounds strange - but remember, I'm currently working a contract job during the day that I have no set time when I am expected to arrive. That gives me a whole host of freedom and not a lot of structure. I've even Tweeted one morning this past week where I have managed to get myself ready, bags packed in the car, when I have decided, instead, to work from home. Freedom is wonderful, in theory, but for someone with ADD, it can also be a negative. (I did get more work done that day at home than I think I would have gotten done at work.. ADD needs change of scenery sometimes, too, to be productive).
ADD requires a lot. Ugh!
But I'd love to wake up at x hour every day, be motivated to do PT, make my bed, square myself away, and be ready to face the day. To have all of those things be automatic. And I believe, in my fantasy world, that having gone to boot camp, I would have learned some of those skills. And I idealistically believe that twenty years later, I would still remember and practice some of those habits.
Where is my drill instructor?
Structure is supposed to do wonders for kids and adults with ADD. Habits work miracles. And it's true. Once something becomes a habit, then when we don't do it, we feel this pull towards doing it.
It's one of the reasons I like FlyLady. Besides her encouragement that just a few minutes at a time will accomplish considerable amounts (which is true), she encourages us to develop habits, and doesn't try to get us to do it all at once. She recognizes it takes time for habits to develop and doesn't overwhelm us. Problem is as a single person, doing dishes daily seems silly and keeping my sink clean doesn't mean much to me. (Before you think eww, she must have a lot of dishes outstanding, let me be clear of two things: 1) sometimes the only dish might be a cup, or a fork and 2) if I'm gonna wash dishes, I'm gonna get a sink full of sudsy water to do it - I'm gonna do it right!).
But I have tried to add habits like making my bed each morning. And over the last six months, I can see a habit or two that has stuck. My life-span, however, is limited, and adding only a habit or two every six months is kinda slow...
What I really wish I'd had the opportunity to do, frankly, is boot camp. Have someone else altogether tell me what to do. And to do so over and over and over again, until I couldn't help but do it myself on my own. Now, I didn't join the military because at the time I had this not-liking-guns-very-much thing, which has mellowed some in my old age (a natural process when you live with an ex-cop for ten years who keeps a gun in your house - but while I have "handled" a gun, I still have not shot one nor have any particular desire to do so).
But to wake up every morning at the same time every day and then do the same morning routine sounds like heaven to me. How much could I accomplish if I actually knew what to do with myself when I woke up? I know that sounds strange - but remember, I'm currently working a contract job during the day that I have no set time when I am expected to arrive. That gives me a whole host of freedom and not a lot of structure. I've even Tweeted one morning this past week where I have managed to get myself ready, bags packed in the car, when I have decided, instead, to work from home. Freedom is wonderful, in theory, but for someone with ADD, it can also be a negative. (I did get more work done that day at home than I think I would have gotten done at work.. ADD needs change of scenery sometimes, too, to be productive).
ADD requires a lot. Ugh!
But I'd love to wake up at x hour every day, be motivated to do PT, make my bed, square myself away, and be ready to face the day. To have all of those things be automatic. And I believe, in my fantasy world, that having gone to boot camp, I would have learned some of those skills. And I idealistically believe that twenty years later, I would still remember and practice some of those habits.
Where is my drill instructor?
Monday, March 5, 2012
Do Nothing...
We like to think that we are a society of action. In our multi-tasking, crazy fast-paced world, we feel that we always must be doing SOMETHING. We are bombarded with the media to "Just Do It!" Writers, when facing that dreaded blank page (although usually these days it is a screen) are admonished to just write even if it's crap, and edit it later. Get the juices flowing to start. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Get busy living..
We are a society geared for action.
A body in motion stays in motion...
Blah, blah, blah.
Don't get me wrong. That is all fine and dandy, and sometimes, when we're stuck, we should just take what little steps we can to get ourselves moving forward. FlyLady is based on that idea that just a little bit at a time and we'll make more progress then we might realize.
It is easy to get stuck looking at the "big" picture and get overwhelmed and paralyzed. It is easy, then, to do nothing. Lord knows there is enough in my life that I have faced that it was easier to put off than to do.
But that isn't what this post is about. This isn't about the hyperactive do everything, and everything must be done mentality.
This is about those situations where the answer is to actually do nothing. Where what is best is to do nothing.
Those situations, sometimes, are the hardest to deal with. They can come in many forms. Such as bedrest for a difficult pregnancy. Staying off a limb or joint after an injury. Or healing emotionally after a trauma.
We want to get moving. We don't want to stay still. We want to believe we heal faster than we might. We want to push ourselves. We don't know how to stop. We see that light, or hope for that light, at the end of the tunnel, when we aren't being pulled back by our limitations.
Those situations are difficult.
But I pose, perhaps, they are not the hardest. At least not for me. For me the hardest situations are doing nothing when someone close to me needs help. Or, at a minimum, is hurting. Because really the whole point is that they may not need help. Or more accurately, they may not need my help.
And I see this issue over and over again when I watch adults figure out how to parent. Where to set boundaries. When to let their children make mistakes. We want so hard to protect the ones we love, and it is so hard to realize that we can't always protect them, and that sometimes, even harder to accept, our protection is not really helping protect them after all.
It is easy for me to see these things professionally - to figure out where to streamline. To figure out where taking more time NOW to get the process right is better over the long run for the business, and overall will be more efficient.
Figuring these things out personally is much harder. At least for me. How much do you help your kid with his homework? At what point are you no longer helping but hindering him?
At my age, many of my friends around me are re-evaluating their long-term relationships. Having journeyed down this trail, I have some perspective on what to expect and how hard it is and ways to make it easier and ways it will be harder. I have seen enough to have a fairly good sense of when something is worth saving or even savable, and when staying will merely be spinning one's wheels. I know intimately the vulnerability and the fear that comes with the territory.
Much like a parent can see the troubles a kid might encounter if they take certain actions, I can often see the results of particular choices. And I care deeply about my friends and want to protect them from harm. I want to set up a flare of warning - no, don't go down that path - wait, come this way. You can go that way, but be aware that this might happen and decide what you want to do if it does.
Sometimes that is helpful. Sometimes that might even be wanted. But we all like to think of ourselves as masters of our own destiny, and think we know ourselves and our own situations best. And I am no exception. I am just as stubborn when others try to warn me. I think I will be different. ;) So I can respect my friends might feel the same way about their own journeys.
The hardest thing to do as a friend is step aside and watch them take the journey on their own. To find that right balance of being there for them, to catch them if they fall, hug them when they need it, but let them learn their own lessons, take their own path. It is hard to give someone that space even when it is what they need most.
I've had to do this with many friends. With one friend recently, I have been better able to step outside and recognize that no matter how much I may want to help them avoid certain pitfalls, I cannot protect them from everything. I am able to be amused standing outside and looking in. Early on, I warned her that she might not want to do x. She did x. It didn't work out as she would have hoped. I tried to bite my tongue and not directly say "I told you so..." but instead, more gently say, "I was worried about that happening."
She would innocently ask me why I didn't warn her. I'd tell her I did. She'd say "Oh". I'd laugh. Sometimes out loud with her. Sometimes not. But after the first few times I realized that she would hear my advice when she was ready to hear it. On the surface she wanted the advice, she was ready. But inside, she wasn't ready to accept the changes that would be happening in her life. Who really ever is?
And I began to realize that it matters not whether I warn her. That she, just as I did before her, will do whatever it is that she needs to do. And she may get hurt. I can't fix that. I can't protect her. I can't prevent it. No matter how much I may want to. Because it isn't about me simply protecting her from others. It is, I have realized, about me protecting her from herself. And she has the inside track to herself - I can't get between her and herself.
This has been a tough journey for me, too. Realizing that what I think helps is not always what helps. And that I have to step back and let whatever will be will be. That truly loving someone is letting them be themselves, and learn and grow and discover and experience their life. We cannot protect the ones we love from everything. We can't protect them from much. All we can do is love them and support them no matter what they do.
And that sometimes, the best thing we can do for them and for ourselves is nothing.
Resistance is futile.
We are a society geared for action.
A body in motion stays in motion...
Blah, blah, blah.
Don't get me wrong. That is all fine and dandy, and sometimes, when we're stuck, we should just take what little steps we can to get ourselves moving forward. FlyLady is based on that idea that just a little bit at a time and we'll make more progress then we might realize.
It is easy to get stuck looking at the "big" picture and get overwhelmed and paralyzed. It is easy, then, to do nothing. Lord knows there is enough in my life that I have faced that it was easier to put off than to do.
But that isn't what this post is about. This isn't about the hyperactive do everything, and everything must be done mentality.
This is about those situations where the answer is to actually do nothing. Where what is best is to do nothing.
Those situations, sometimes, are the hardest to deal with. They can come in many forms. Such as bedrest for a difficult pregnancy. Staying off a limb or joint after an injury. Or healing emotionally after a trauma.
We want to get moving. We don't want to stay still. We want to believe we heal faster than we might. We want to push ourselves. We don't know how to stop. We see that light, or hope for that light, at the end of the tunnel, when we aren't being pulled back by our limitations.
Those situations are difficult.
But I pose, perhaps, they are not the hardest. At least not for me. For me the hardest situations are doing nothing when someone close to me needs help. Or, at a minimum, is hurting. Because really the whole point is that they may not need help. Or more accurately, they may not need my help.
And I see this issue over and over again when I watch adults figure out how to parent. Where to set boundaries. When to let their children make mistakes. We want so hard to protect the ones we love, and it is so hard to realize that we can't always protect them, and that sometimes, even harder to accept, our protection is not really helping protect them after all.
It is easy for me to see these things professionally - to figure out where to streamline. To figure out where taking more time NOW to get the process right is better over the long run for the business, and overall will be more efficient.
Figuring these things out personally is much harder. At least for me. How much do you help your kid with his homework? At what point are you no longer helping but hindering him?
At my age, many of my friends around me are re-evaluating their long-term relationships. Having journeyed down this trail, I have some perspective on what to expect and how hard it is and ways to make it easier and ways it will be harder. I have seen enough to have a fairly good sense of when something is worth saving or even savable, and when staying will merely be spinning one's wheels. I know intimately the vulnerability and the fear that comes with the territory.
Much like a parent can see the troubles a kid might encounter if they take certain actions, I can often see the results of particular choices. And I care deeply about my friends and want to protect them from harm. I want to set up a flare of warning - no, don't go down that path - wait, come this way. You can go that way, but be aware that this might happen and decide what you want to do if it does.
Sometimes that is helpful. Sometimes that might even be wanted. But we all like to think of ourselves as masters of our own destiny, and think we know ourselves and our own situations best. And I am no exception. I am just as stubborn when others try to warn me. I think I will be different. ;) So I can respect my friends might feel the same way about their own journeys.
The hardest thing to do as a friend is step aside and watch them take the journey on their own. To find that right balance of being there for them, to catch them if they fall, hug them when they need it, but let them learn their own lessons, take their own path. It is hard to give someone that space even when it is what they need most.
I've had to do this with many friends. With one friend recently, I have been better able to step outside and recognize that no matter how much I may want to help them avoid certain pitfalls, I cannot protect them from everything. I am able to be amused standing outside and looking in. Early on, I warned her that she might not want to do x. She did x. It didn't work out as she would have hoped. I tried to bite my tongue and not directly say "I told you so..." but instead, more gently say, "I was worried about that happening."
She would innocently ask me why I didn't warn her. I'd tell her I did. She'd say "Oh". I'd laugh. Sometimes out loud with her. Sometimes not. But after the first few times I realized that she would hear my advice when she was ready to hear it. On the surface she wanted the advice, she was ready. But inside, she wasn't ready to accept the changes that would be happening in her life. Who really ever is?
And I began to realize that it matters not whether I warn her. That she, just as I did before her, will do whatever it is that she needs to do. And she may get hurt. I can't fix that. I can't protect her. I can't prevent it. No matter how much I may want to. Because it isn't about me simply protecting her from others. It is, I have realized, about me protecting her from herself. And she has the inside track to herself - I can't get between her and herself.
This has been a tough journey for me, too. Realizing that what I think helps is not always what helps. And that I have to step back and let whatever will be will be. That truly loving someone is letting them be themselves, and learn and grow and discover and experience their life. We cannot protect the ones we love from everything. We can't protect them from much. All we can do is love them and support them no matter what they do.
And that sometimes, the best thing we can do for them and for ourselves is nothing.
Resistance is futile.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Laundromat
So like many who keep the laundromat in business, I do not have a washer and dryer. FlyLady recommends doing a little load a day to stay on top of the laundry. That's great when it is in the building. Not so practical when you have to literally drag your dirty laundry elsewhere.
I save quarters. People think I have a problem with slot machines, and while I do, that is not why I save quarters.
The owners have figured out that if you have to pay too much for the dryers, you'll take it home and hang it there and let God do the work. So you can start the dryers here for only a quarter.
The washers? Highway robbery.
When I last used paid machines, it was only 3-4 quarters a machine. Here? 14 to wash. And don't think that quarter gets you too far in the dryer. It gets you exactly seven minutes...
So I have tried an alternate to FlyLady. Instead I keep a load of laundry in my car to do when visiting friends. I need a few more friends to spread it around!
Today, I am at the laundromat.
Thanks to technology, though, I can bring you along - blogging by iPhone. I don't want you to miss any exciting details of my day!
When you pay 14 quarters just to wash, you begin to throw your mother's rules for sorting out the door. Reds I still keep separate, but otherwise, unless it is brand new, it all goes in the same load. Whites, jeans, doesn't matter. I do not believe in segregation!
I remember the first time I did a load at one particular friend's house and she nearly had a heart attack as I mixed my colors...
I warned you that I am just looking for a good batting average! Not all of these are gonna be winners.
Now, go to The Bloggess and look at her updated Nathan Fillion entry and drool over a true member of the Borg - 7 of 9 - Jeri Ryan who posed for a picture with a spatula for Jenny.
I am jealous... One day, I will be worthy. I just don't think it's today.
I save quarters. People think I have a problem with slot machines, and while I do, that is not why I save quarters.
The owners have figured out that if you have to pay too much for the dryers, you'll take it home and hang it there and let God do the work. So you can start the dryers here for only a quarter.
The washers? Highway robbery.
When I last used paid machines, it was only 3-4 quarters a machine. Here? 14 to wash. And don't think that quarter gets you too far in the dryer. It gets you exactly seven minutes...
So I have tried an alternate to FlyLady. Instead I keep a load of laundry in my car to do when visiting friends. I need a few more friends to spread it around!
Today, I am at the laundromat.
Thanks to technology, though, I can bring you along - blogging by iPhone. I don't want you to miss any exciting details of my day!
When you pay 14 quarters just to wash, you begin to throw your mother's rules for sorting out the door. Reds I still keep separate, but otherwise, unless it is brand new, it all goes in the same load. Whites, jeans, doesn't matter. I do not believe in segregation!
I remember the first time I did a load at one particular friend's house and she nearly had a heart attack as I mixed my colors...
I warned you that I am just looking for a good batting average! Not all of these are gonna be winners.
Now, go to The Bloggess and look at her updated Nathan Fillion entry and drool over a true member of the Borg - 7 of 9 - Jeri Ryan who posed for a picture with a spatula for Jenny.
I am jealous... One day, I will be worthy. I just don't think it's today.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
So, who am I?
Believe me, I have thought about saying, I am the Borg. I have assimilated and the purpose of this blog is to assimilate you.
But that isn't true.
Or is it?
As I made the epic decision to try to do another blog (this is not my first anonymous blog, but hopefully it will be the one I stick with and the one that goes viral), I made this list in my head of all the things about me I needed to tell you. And I dramatically decided at the end, I would end it with "I am you." But I'm not.
Or I hope I'm not.
It's fun to find like-minded folks, and I hope to attract a lot of like-minded folks. But I doubt that there is someone who is as unique as me and who likes EVERYTHING that I do. I could be wrong.
I'm probably wrong.
But the reality is if you become a fan of this blog you will like a portion of the things I like and not necessarily all. My challenge will be to still keep you interested even when I'm talking about a subject you really don't care about.
So who am I?
Okay. Before I give you the list, I'll have to admit a bit of my neuroses. First, I wrote a list that I will qualify and say is not comprehensive. Then, afraid that the order in which I wrote things might suggest a priority in how I identify myself, I took the list that I had written as a stream of consciousness and then used an Excel formula for random numbers to order the list. #3 on the list is Geek.
Some of this list may make sense to no-one but me. But each one is worthy of its own post. If you want to know more, find the post.
1. I have a geographically diverse background
2. I live under a rock.
3. I am a geek.
4. I am currently single.
5. Zen is Borg and I love the Dalai Lama
6. I like country music.
7. I am a mystery / legal thriller fan.
8. I watch way too much television.
9. I love deeply.
10. I am active in my church.
11. I have a diverse working background.
12. I am a soccer coach.
13. I am a wee bit narsissitic - at least to the extent you need to be to write a blog.
14. I live alone.
15. I am a dyke.
16. I live in a small town.
17. I live in a poor part of town.
18. I watch a lot of Hulu.
19. I am an iPhone, Facebook and PC user, but I have owned a Mac, too.
20. I love the Superbowl for the commercials.
21. I have/am ADD.
22. I enjoy Texts From Last Night, Idiot Runner, The Bloggess, FlyLady, George Takei and advice columnists.
23. I love to line dance.
24. I am neither politically correct or incorrect. I just am. I do not belong to a political party, either. I am registered as an independent.
This is by no means comprehensive, but gives you a brief introduction. Interested? Read on. Tell your friends. Leave me comments. Adore me. Assimillate.
Resistance is futile.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
But that isn't true.
Or is it?
As I made the epic decision to try to do another blog (this is not my first anonymous blog, but hopefully it will be the one I stick with and the one that goes viral), I made this list in my head of all the things about me I needed to tell you. And I dramatically decided at the end, I would end it with "I am you." But I'm not.
Or I hope I'm not.
It's fun to find like-minded folks, and I hope to attract a lot of like-minded folks. But I doubt that there is someone who is as unique as me and who likes EVERYTHING that I do. I could be wrong.
I'm probably wrong.
But the reality is if you become a fan of this blog you will like a portion of the things I like and not necessarily all. My challenge will be to still keep you interested even when I'm talking about a subject you really don't care about.
So who am I?
Okay. Before I give you the list, I'll have to admit a bit of my neuroses. First, I wrote a list that I will qualify and say is not comprehensive. Then, afraid that the order in which I wrote things might suggest a priority in how I identify myself, I took the list that I had written as a stream of consciousness and then used an Excel formula for random numbers to order the list. #3 on the list is Geek.
Some of this list may make sense to no-one but me. But each one is worthy of its own post. If you want to know more, find the post.
1. I have a geographically diverse background
2. I live under a rock.
3. I am a geek.
4. I am currently single.
5. Zen is Borg and I love the Dalai Lama
6. I like country music.
7. I am a mystery / legal thriller fan.
8. I watch way too much television.
9. I love deeply.
10. I am active in my church.
11. I have a diverse working background.
12. I am a soccer coach.
13. I am a wee bit narsissitic - at least to the extent you need to be to write a blog.
14. I live alone.
15. I am a dyke.
16. I live in a small town.
17. I live in a poor part of town.
18. I watch a lot of Hulu.
19. I am an iPhone, Facebook and PC user, but I have owned a Mac, too.
20. I love the Superbowl for the commercials.
21. I have/am ADD.
22. I enjoy Texts From Last Night, Idiot Runner, The Bloggess, FlyLady, George Takei and advice columnists.
23. I love to line dance.
24. I am neither politically correct or incorrect. I just am. I do not belong to a political party, either. I am registered as an independent.
This is by no means comprehensive, but gives you a brief introduction. Interested? Read on. Tell your friends. Leave me comments. Adore me. Assimillate.
Resistance is futile.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
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