It's been a long time don't know if you'll want to see me again...
Alright - sorry, Adele.
This morning in the shower I realized I needed to start writing again. (I did not realize it had been since September 2014 since I last posted).
There will be a few "throat-clearing" posts, as a former writing teacher would probably call them.
They will be awkward as my fingers find their way again... remembering what it was like to write for personal purposes as opposed to professional ones.
It was easier to blog when I was alone, and I had a flexible job where I could capture my thoughts for a blog entry after having my morning shower and head in whenever. When my time was more flexible, and I slept whenever I wanted.
It was easier to blog when I had no-one else nearby to share my daily musings with directly -when it was a wonderful tool to distribute my thoughts to a more global and anonymous audience.
It was easier to blog when I remembered my darn password. Luckily, after the day of gestating on it, it came back to me just in time. Every device already has it memorized for the e-mail, but that doesn't help for the blogging.
Also, my life has changed significantly. My biggest rants, er, diatribes, er, soap-boxes, er, daily items of interest are more office-related - like a Dilbert cartoon - or traffic-related. There are some observations on the blissfully married life, and while my spouse has graciously told me I could write about whatever I wanted, just that she'd love to see me write again, I still feel self-conscious writing about her - fictionally enhanced versions of her, or more truthfully based.
But to not write might be to suggest my life is not interesting - and some days I don't think it's very interesting - it's just life. That's a good thing sometimes! Lots of times! But finding some tidbit to expand upon that you might find interesting, that you might find different or even the same as your life, but in a different twist... well....
I do admit that Adele's song is a little haunting. "Hello" from the other side.. although I don't think she means the *Other* side like in "Ghost", merely the other side of the end of the relationship with whom she's reaching out to. But it's a song about closure - or lack of it. Of realizing that perhaps the other person HAS moved on, and even though you (Adele) hasn't finished healing, the other person doesn't care to re-hash it all.
Which, ultimately, is wise. Re-hashing it all rarely brings any closure. Often it just rips open old wounds and makes them fresh. But driving to and from work when I hear the song, it makes me think of someone with whom I left a lot unspoken when I ended the relationship. Well, saying I ended it implied I had more self-control and will power than I probably did, but let's just say it imploded - majestically - and she was like the coyote with her hand pressing down on the acme detonator, and... and...
I think sometimes about writing her a letter. Except it wouldn't be writing a letter FOR her, it would be writing a letter FOR me. I know better than to send it. I know oh so better than to send anything. But even then - the "closure" I seek, as the singer in Adele's song - would I really get it?
The singer is upset that who she's trying to reach out to - a thousand times - doesn't seem to answer her calls. And suggests that means the person has moved on, and that the singer didn't mean as much as she thought she did to the person she's singing to.
That isn't necessarily true. As one who didn't answer the phone a thousand times, it's because I couldn't take any more. I couldn't engage anymore. Which is why if I wrote a letter I would be smart enough NEVER to send it - never to open that door again.
But what, even, would I say? It's been years. Years. And still I have no idea what I might say, how I could explain what she did to me at the time affected me at the time? How it completely and entirely changed my life and reshaped its fabric. How I will never be in the same position in life that I was before it all exploded - how there are some "things" in my life I will never get back, that can never be "fixed", or what it would take to fix them would not be worthwhile.
And yet, I look at my life today. To feel that, to express that, to think that and not at the same time be tremendously appreciative where I am in my life today - even though six years ago, seven years ago, ten years ago, I would never have imagined myself here - how can I give her power to suggest she damaged my life? And I really don't want to give her credit for where I am today! I wouldn't be where I am today if she hadn't hit the acme button on our lives. That is true.
But I am here in spite of that. I am in this incredibly fortunate and loved place in life and with a wonderful wife and life partner in a home full of love and happiness (well, and sometimes just sameness... even keeled stable life...) because of me and because of the steps I took small slow ones at first and slowly larger ones and faster ones to keep my life moving forward out of the "rubble".
I have had a few transitions lately - final steps in moving forward from things I was given to help me get here, help me move forward - crutches so to speak that I have managed - am managing - to move beyond. And in the transition process I realize how far I've come. I shouldn't have had to take this journey - and for that, I guess I still have some resentment towards that other person - but I feel pretty damn blessed at where it took me nonetheless.
Having said that, and adding some more trite sayings that always makes a blog entry complete - it isn't always the destination - sometimes it's the journey to get there, and sometimes the complications of the journey can make you also enjoy the destination even more.
Go ahead, unravel that mixed up metaphor. Ha!
Not bad for my first day back. Let's not wait another fourteen months to meet again...
Hello, it's me, it's been awhile...
