If Dear Abby had Come Out - Part II

So, apparently Twitter isn't the only one with character limitations.  Sheesh!

I tried to type my response to this comment to my post from this morning in the comment section, but I was, apparently, a bit too wordy.  So, as the blogger, I have the lovely power of creating a new post altogether.  HA!

Here's the response I was trying to add.

Well, and I think that was certainly Abby's response, too. 

But we are missing a lot of the picture here.  And I could spend pages speculating possibilities, but I don't think that is necessary to do so. 

While we may or may not think it is important, all that really matters is that it is important to her to share it.  She's come to this conclusion through some sort of journey, and soul searching.  And it is something that she wants to share, not hide.  Not be alone with.

The boat is already rocked - just not necessarily the one you and Abby might recommend not rocking. She is no longer the person she once was.  She is.. but she's now seen a side of herself that she hadn't acknowledged before, and now that she's acknowledged it to herself, she feels its important to share with others, too.  Either way, now that she's figured this out and acknowledged it, she can't hide it - at least not from herself - anymore.  And it may feel that hiding it from others is deceitful and dishonest. 

And, sadly, quite a few "happily" married women still find themselves struggling with this issue - perhaps remaining monogamous, still, but nonetheless wondering...

This is why I said if I were to give her advice, I'd recommend going to the website I linked to above which is a forum for other women just like her.  Including many who still remained happily married to their spouses. 

And likely what she is looking for is what we all look for - a sense of belonging.  I don't know that coming out - in and of itself - will help with that.  But she feels some compulsion, some need, to be honest with others about who she is and who she has discovered that she is.

A lot of my bisexual friends have married men, and many of them, have firmly remained identified as bisexual BECAUSE for them it is a political statement as much as anything else.  These are women who figured out who they were BEFORE they married, but nonetheless, despite an ability to blend into the crowd as the one they've ultimately chosen fits society's "norms", they still find it important to be clear that "society's norms" don't necessarily reflect the reality of the true society, and that we come, shall we say, in many flavors. 

It may not be the path you would take were you to find yourself in that situation - although unless we have been there ourselves we really can't know how we would actually react - but for her, nonetheless, it is the path she has chosen to be authentic to herself.  For *her* it is important. 

-----

A different example.  Up until recently, I have been single.  And for quite some portion of the last three and a half years, I have not been really looking for or interested in "dating".  I, as you know, have been doing a little bit of healing in that time.  So why should I have come out in a small town where it feels, sometimes, like I'm the only lesbian in the town?  When those who already knew warned me that it might not be the best idea.  Why rock the boat?  What did I have to gain by telling anyone I'm gay?  (I know this isn't a "suddenly" situation as you refer to and as above, but it's a different situation where one could use similar logic and I use to illustrate reasons "why"). 

I had nothing to "gain" - I wasn't looking for anyone (just as the woman above theoretically isn't) - I could blend in as just a person simply healing from a broken marriage.  Why did I need to correct the pronouns when people used "he" or "him" instead of "she" or "her"? 

Because I needed to be true to who I was.  No, I, personally, didn't need to go and yell it on top of a mountain.  Nor does it seem she necessarily wants to do quite that.  But I am in a small town where I was warned folks were small-minded, and that I might be best off keeping my sexual orientation to myself. So... NOT the same situation at all, but perhaps some of the same reasons...

Now, I apologize for ending this here (although it may be the spot to end it) but I am being called away by someone quite important, so I must end this here and hope it helps to convey my point... :) 

If not, I'll come back later! :)

If Dear Abby had Come Out....

Just reading this morning's Dear Abby, and pondering her advice to one letter writer.

The writer is a happily married woman who has been struggling with her sexuality and has come to realize that she's bisexual.  She wants to be able to tell people but isn't certain how to do so.  Or even whether to do so.

Abby's suggestion is to stay in the closet, but if she is going to tell anyone, to start with her husband.

A second part of her question, though, is confirming, gosh, if I haven't done anything, but I am physically attracted to women, could I be bisexual?  Abby confirms that yes, indeed, she could be. 

The writer poses some very interesting questions, and so does Abby's answer. 

On the one hand, having witnessed several married women recognize their attractions for women, I would agree with Abby's cautionary advice in that disclosing such a piece of information might stir up unnecessary and unwanted trouble.  I respect that caution, but it is also biting on me that the advice, nonetheless, is to hide something she doesn't want to hide anymore.  (And not the good kind of biting, either).

If someone were to approach me with this dilemma I would do two things.  The first is I'd ask her why she wanted to share and what she hopes to accomplish.  To help her understand and clarify why coming out might be important to her.  And the second is that I would direct the reader to an online forum a friend of mine found, and a book by its founder about married women awakening to the realization of their attraction to other women.  There she will find a community of people who will understand what she is going through and who can advise her better about the risks and the rewards of any next steps she might take.  Plus, it might give her a safe forum to express what she's been working on. 

I am appreciative of Abby's accepting acknowledgment of this woman's sexuality; but hesitant about her advice and her ability to have the perspective necessary to offer this advice.  Not that the only people qualified to give "coming out" advice are those who have come out - but unless you have gone through such awakening yourself, it is harder to understand the potential compulsion to share this aspect of your being with others.  There is unquestionably risk involved - particularly given her existing monogamous relationship - and I don't disagree with Abby's caution, entirely.  I just think it's more complex than that.  (Of course her signature line that she's in the Deep South, certainly does suggest - perhaps unfairly - that she should consider caution!)

What do you think?

The letter and its response are below:

DEAR ABBY: After years of denial I have come to realize that I am bisexual. I'm happily married to a straight man, and we have a great marriage I wouldn't change for the world. He is my soul mate, and we plan to be together for many years to come. I just happen to be physically attracted to women, too.

Some people say I can't be bisexual if I've never been with a woman; I say they're wrong. Am I correct?

How do I deal with this in social situations? I'm afraid to put it on my social media profile for fear of a backlash from my family. I'd like my friends to know, but it doesn't feel proper to just come out and say, "I'm bi."

I was hoping some of your readers might be able to give me some input.  How does one "come out" without overdoing it or coming across the wrong way? Is there a right way? Should I continue keeping it a secret?

I'm not sure what to do with my revelation. I have pondered it for some time now, and felt I could trust you to give me tactful, unbiased advice. -- BI IN THE DEEP SOUTH

DEAR B.I.T.D.S.: Bisexuality is having an attraction to people of both sexes, and yes, it is possible to be bisexual without having acted upon it.

However, being married means you are (happily) involved in a monogamous relationship. To announce that you are bisexual and/or put it on the Internet would be a mistake, in my opinion, not only because it would shock your family, but also because it might seem like you were advertising that you are "available." Unless you are promiscuous, you are not available. Most married people agree to be committed to their spouses regardless of whether they are straight, gay or bi.

If you choose to confide your diverse sexual orientation to your close friends, that is your business. But if you do, please remember that once two people know something, there's a strong likelihood of the news spreading faster than the flu.

P.S. If you do decide to divulge, be sure to tell your husband first.

Abby Got It Wrong

I love Dear Abby.  Apparently.  It's one of the few things I read daily.  I actually have a great interest in advice columns, generally - if I could get more sent to my mailbox rather than having to track them on their newspapers - I'd read more.  I'm lazy.  But that's a side-note.  I love the slice of life.

I was reading Dear Abby two days ago (October 17th's column), and I felt like she got it wrong to both letters.  It happens sometimes.  The full text for both is at the end of this.  I'm too lazy to track down the actual link, I admit, this morning.  I get it in my e-mail box as I said.

Nothing a Box of Condoms Can't Solve

The first letter is about a step-mother concerned about the sexual activity of her 15 year old stepson, or rather his natural parents' response to it.  He's having unprotected sex.  It sounds like for the most part none of the parties, including the letter writer, have so much of an issue with the boy having sex - boys will be boys - so that's not an issue to focus on here, or there.  That's just a given. 

The letter writer is concerned about the normal things you should be concerned about ANYONE having unprotected sex.  STDs, unwanted parenthood... and feels between a rock and a hard place because her husband doesn't seem to worry about it and the mother hasn't done anything either.  She's wondering if she's over-reacting, and Abby assures her she isn't. 

There are some questions - unanswered here - about a relationship between a step-parent and child and their responsibility to nonetheless parent them.  There are some questions about how long they have been in this relationship of step-parent / step-child and what kind of relationship, then, that they have.  Whether she has the rapport, position, and relationship to act like a parent.  And those can be touchy issues - and she touches on them when she's concerned about upsetting her husband in doing anything. 

Abby agrees that she's not over-reacting, but basically says unless the husband / father does something, nothing can be done, and the boy will play baby-roulette. 

Really, Abby?  I understand encouraging her to have a talk with the boy may be over-stepping her bounds, although that might be a good start for her to sit down and explain her own concerns to him one-on-one.  But frankly, okay, again I can respect that might not go over well with Dad (although....?), the solution is simple.  Go to the drug-store.  Buy an economy-size box of condoms, and leave them on his bed.  MAYBE the reason the boy is having unprotected sex is that he's too embarrassed to go to the drug store and buy some? Or can't afford them?  I understand young boys seem to find condoms anyway, but maybe give him a big hint and a big box of condoms.  Duh!?

Now, again, I say this because it appears from her letter the issue isn't him having sex, merely having unprotected sex.   If the issue were him having sex, or the parents not wanting to deal with, encourage, or otherwise address sex at all, then maybe that might be inappropriate.

What's The Big Deal With Letting Them Hang Free?

No, not talking balls here.  Although I understand with the transition, you could go there.  There, yes, there is something with letting them all hang out.

The second letter I have a real issue with - personally - because if I were young and dating a guy named Daryl, she could be talking about me.  Oh, and if my name were Michelle. 

The second letter writer is concerned about her son's young girlfriend's support / clothing choices.  Michelle is sweet, caring, smart and funny.  (See why I thought she might be writing about me?)  But *gasp* doesn't wear a bra.  And she isn't flat chested.  Yep.  Except for Daryl and the being young thing, describes me to a T.

WTF?  Okay.  I can understand having issue with it if she wears really tight shirts and her headbeams are on (sorry.. immature streak coming through there) all the time, leaving nothing to the imagination.  But even wearing a bra doesn't guarantee that nips won't poke through.  Personally, I always wear an undershirt to keep the girls from pointing in all directions, and even then...

But I have had several friends amazed that I don't wear a bra, and somehow concerned?  The girls might drag? They ain't at my belly button yet.  And anyone who has played with them has never complained.  I don't have any particular desire for them to be perky, and really they haven't since they were little buds when I was 13.  My breasts are fine. 

I get questions like doesn't it hurt to not wear a bra?  Well, um, if it did, I probably would wear a bra, now wouldn't I?

Abby suggested a polite conversation at lunch and an offer to go lingerie shopping. 

I've been bra shopping with my friends - and even bought a bra to satiate them, but I wear it very infrequently.  I will wear sports bras, only because the girls don't need to develop muscles going up and down, too.  But really only when running.  I don't need one for cycling, or other exercise. 

But even suggesting "lingerie" shopping belies an underlying "purpose" for bras - as something sexy underneath.  Really?

I admit the twitterpool is a bit skewed for scientific inquiry, but I've met a lot of women on here who go bra-less on a regular basis - not just #wineparty - and a lot who wish they could.  I don't criticize those who choose to wear bras, and I understand many do *need* to - again, had Abby said "support" shopping, I'd have a different response to THAT part - so why criticize (and it's only women who give a damn) those of us who don't?  Jealousy?  Are men really that unable to control themselves around a bra-less woman?  I've never had any issues...

Who knows...

Not me.

But we're all allowed an off day.  Even Abby. 

 -------------------------

 DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old stepson, "Justin," doesn't drink or do drugs.  For the most part, he stays out of trouble. The problem is, he has been caught for the third time having unprotected sex.

   My anger isn't at Justin so much as at his parents, obviously his father. Justin has lied repeatedly about this. His father lets him get away with many things, for the most part minor. But this is different.  A 15-year-old boy can't take care of a baby, and having sex with multiple partners means exposing everyone involved to STDs.

   My husband is a smart man, but for some reason he seems to think this will end well. I worry about his son becoming a father too soon and missing out on his full potential. My husband and his ex have dealt with this by trying to ignore it, and for the most part I haven't involved myself. But the more I think about it, the more I see the danger of Justin's life being changed forever because his parents don't want to make him unhappy for a minute.

   I love my husband and stepson. Allowing this to continue isn't the right path for anyone. Am I overreacting? If not, what can I do that won't cause a huge blowup with my husband? -- ALARMED IN CHICAGO

   DEAR ALARMED: You're not overreacting. Your husband is doing his son no favors by enabling his irresponsible behavior instead of asserting himself and acting like a parent. Justin may think that fathering a
   child will make him a "real man." But unless your husband can get through to him that real men take care of themselves and their partners, and real men don't risk bringing children into the world theycan't take care of, then face it: He's letting his son play baby roulette, and it's only a matter of time until he'll be a grandpa.
            _____________________________________________________

   DEAR ABBY: My son has a wonderful girlfriend, "Michelle." They live with my ex-husband and visit my husband, "Daryl," and me twice a month and on special occasions. Michelle is sweet, caring, smart and funny.
   The problem is, she doesn't wear a bra. Ever.

   Relatives have commented about it to us at family gatherings because she's not flat-chested. We already know. It's obvious. Daryl feels a woman should go without a bra only in the privacy of her own home, and I agree. He thinks I should buy Michelle a bra as a "subtle hint." I don't think that's wise, and I don't want to offend her.

   Because it doesn't seem to matter to my son, should we continue to keep our opinions to ourselves? -- SEES A NEED FOR SUPPORT IN FLORIDA

   DEAR SEES A NEED: Because people are talking, it would be a kindness to say something to Michelle -- but delicately, so she doesn't think you are criticizing her. If you have a good relationship with her, invite her to join you for lunch and, while you're on the subject of the last gathering, mention that some of the relatives noticed her bralessness.
   Then tell her that you need to go lingerie shopping and invite her along. Ask her to help you pick out a few pretty things for yourself, and then offer to treat her to some things she likes. She just may take you up on it.

A Moment of Morbidity

Not many people like to think of their own death.  I think no matter what our age is, we still possess a certain amount of expectation of invincibility that the youth is so imbued with.  Unless there are certain factors at play (health issues, risky activities), we all think we have time. 

And I hope we do.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not here to tell you I know something I don't.  I am hoping I have many "happy years" left in me, and that there are still more years to come than years that have passed, although I realize that I'm at the age where I could be at the half-way point, or past it, even though I don't quite feel I'm there yet.  Or I hope that I'm not there yet. 

But I was reading Dear Abby this morning, as I usually do each morning, and a letter she received got me thinking about my own death.  Well, less my death, than what message I would want my loved ones to know if I were suddenly gone.

The letter (which I will paste below to satisfy your morbid curiosity!) was from a recent widow whose last experience with her husband was a fight.  He went out the door angry, and was in a fatal car accident while talking on the cellphone with his brother.  The gist of her letter was trying to deflect the blame his family was placing on her for his death (LOVELY!) and to serve as a warning about cellphones and driving. 

But what struck me (perhaps a poor choice of words) was this idea of losing someone or more accurately, dying without someone else knowing how much I loved them.  (And yes, Garth Brooks had a song about this, too "If Tomorrow Never Comes")  Now the reality is that I doubt that there are very few people in my life who don't know how I feel about them.  And this one person I was thinking about in particular, I do know that she knows how I feel.  But if I were - God forbid! - to walk out the door today, and be hit by a car (because we don't really have that many busses in a small town, and while I do live near the railroad tracks, I'm usually smart enough not to step in front of one of those), I do feel that there is "unfinished business" with this person.  I know that really, if I'm dead, it's been finished.  But, there are still a few things, I want her to know - reinforced, perhaps - if I weren't here to tell her myself in the future.  The reality is I don't like having doubts, and so I don't want those I love ever having doubts either.

So my poor friend Robin (who lives in another time zone) is going to wake up and find a very morbid e-mail waiting for her.  (Sorry, Robin..).  It first started out giving her some very specific information of what to communicate to whom.  But then, I couldn't help myself, apparently, since I was on the topic, and I gave her details about how I wanted to be cremated and what I wanted done with my ashes, etc.  (Again, sorry, Robin...)

But I realized that here is the real problem.  I'm not really sure how my friends far and wide would get notice.  I mean, I feel fairly certain that people here would find and notify my family.  And that people locally would know, and folks that my family knows would know... but there's still a whole lot of ground that might not get covered.  Including Robin. 

Or you. 

Hopefully, this isn't something that would ever become an issue (although maybe I'll send a second follow-up e-mail to Robin with a clue about my social networking passwords... ), but in this day and age of far flung friends, who knows and notices when one falls off the radar? 

Okay - not going in that direction this morning. ;)

But if you take anything away from this post, I hope you share in my sense of the importance to let those you love always know how much you love them.  Hug your significant other if you're fortunate enough to have one.  Tell your best friend how much you appreciate him or her.  Let those you care about know how much you care while you're still around to tell them.  Because life is too precious to live in anger, or pain, or insecurity or to leave those we love in those states.  We humans and our relationships are really all we each have of substance.  These are the things that matter at the end of the day.  Make sure those that matter know how much they matter.  This is one area where you don't want to leave them guessing...

-----

The original letter, which again, touches upon issues I hope no-one else ever has to deal with, but nonetheless got me thinking and writing this morning...  Oh, and send a prayer for this Idaho Widow that she might find some peace given this horrible tragedy. 

DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago my husband and I were having an argument. He stormed out of the house and was killed in a wreck while talking to his brother on his cellphone.

His family blames me for arguing with him. While I feel sad that the last thing we did was argue, I feel his brother should shoulder some of the blame because he was on the cellphone with him, which is illegal in our state.

Luckily, no one else was hurt in the crash, but I am very hurt that "John's" family is so angry at me. Please remind folks not to drive while on a cellphone. -- IDAHO WIDOW