DISCLOSURE: The only thing I have going in on this post is the title.. I have no idea where this will go, so buckle up and enjoy the ride.
Sometimes in life, certain things will happen that will make you see things - perhaps everything - in a different light. Suddenly make you realize that things you thought were important aren't, and perhaps make you value things you didn't realize were important, even more.
If you're lucky, this change in perspective is something that reflects even more accurately the true you - the you that you have been becoming or trying to be.
It can be an amazing epiphany.
Whether you've had or are having a life changing moment, the reality is that all the moments of your life have led you to this one. And this moment will lead you to another one. You can't help it - it's what happens. It's life. And you can let these moments just pass you by, or you can - in the spirit of the Dead Poets' Society - seize the day. Carpe diem..
Enjoy where you're at. Enjoy what has made you you. Celebrate yourself.
And if you're reading this right now and you don't feel like you can do that, well... first, *hugs*. Second, do something to change that. Change what's making you miserable. Change what you value. Really look at what is important, and focus on that - value that. If it brings you unhappiness, if it turns you away from others, from experiencing the joy in life, then maybe - just maybe - it's not that important.
The Dalai Lama says that the Art of Happiness is finding those things in life that bring you joy and maximizing them. And "things" frankly is the wrong word, because I'll tell you people, things don't bring you happiness. They might bring you comfort, or amusement, but things never, never bring happiness.
My life has taken a significant change lately. My perspective has a tremendously different shift. And I am happy.
May you all be so blessed.
P.S. I turned 42 on Saturday. And I have joked for nearly 30 years probably that 42 is the answer to everything from Doug Adams The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which I've never read. So as I approached this birthday, I kept feeling - down in my bones, perhaps, or just joking at the surface, who knows - but I kept telling folks that I was looking forward to 42 because it was the answer to everything. And you know, when I turned 42 - the minute I was 42 - I, indeed, had the answer to everything.
It is amazing.
Showing posts with label Dalai Lama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dalai Lama. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Today's Dalai Lama Post
The following seems quite fitting in light of my last two blog posts. It was in my morning Facebook News feed (*gasp* she still looks at Facebook even though she's now in love with Twitter... ? It's like she's cheating....)
In particular, discussing my post on Practicing Patience recently with a friend, I like the acknowledgment that we sometimes create our own problems, too. Frankly, I think that is hard for many of us to recognize that the problems we have are ones we created, and perhaps, things might be just a wee bit easier for ourselves if we would stop creating so many for ourselves! ;)
Yeah, that was a long run-on sentence. Hope the grammar police don't come back. ;)
In particular, discussing my post on Practicing Patience recently with a friend, I like the acknowledgment that we sometimes create our own problems, too. Frankly, I think that is hard for many of us to recognize that the problems we have are ones we created, and perhaps, things might be just a wee bit easier for ourselves if we would stop creating so many for ourselves! ;)
Yeah, that was a long run-on sentence. Hope the grammar police don't come back. ;)
Friday, August 24, 2012
Glass Houses... Lessons Learned...
So I just typed this long-ish rambling-ish post about Dog Sitting, that was really more about boundaries, but might have come off as some sort of sermon to parents to avoid creating Holy Terrors.
After writing it, I decided it was time to take a shower and get going for the day, so this technically becomes another shower post. [Borg properly pauses typing, moves over to the right, and applies Label, since Borg is often so forgetful about these tools]
As I lathered up and thought about what I wrote, I realized that last potential way in which my last post could be viewed. Is that what I intended? No, not really, but perhaps so since in some ways that's where I went with it. It wasn't what I intended when I wrote the words "Dog Sitting" in the Post title.
[A brief aside into the process of blogging for ME. Every time I start a post, I start with the title. I don't do this in other areas of writing, but I do here. Every once in awhile, while typing, I recognize my post is going some different direction, and that another title might be appropriate and change it, but it is rare. I use the title as my sign post, and before I finish the entry, I stop and re-read it to make sure that as I draw my conclusion that I tie it back up to that originating idea. I mean the title to be catchy, but I also use it (or try to use it) as a tool to keep my blog entries somewhat focused - I do have ADD, you'll recall, and I'm sure there is more than one post not specifically related to ADD where that has been made perfectly clear!) When I hit "New Post" I have a kernel of thoughts about where I'm going and what I want to express, but a LOT develops as I'm writing, and sometimes I go in directions I didn't originally plan for. I trust my fingers to go where they need to most times... even if they stray from the "plan"]
I want to be very clear that I am not trying to throw stones. Because I know that I live in a glass house. It is with a conscious effort, frankly, that I most often use "please" and "thank you". I've gotten much better now, and I probably throw it out unconsciously a bit, but I often am thinking about how important it is to make sure whoever I'm speaking to knows how much I appreciate what they are doing for me and recognizes that I am asking them to do something they really have no obligation, necessarily, to do. That if they do what I ask of them, ideally it is out of the kindness of their heart.
The reality is, of course, we have become programmed, sometimes, to simply respond to demands without thinking whether this is something we want to do for the other person or should do for the other person. Often we do things for others not necessarily as a gift, but as a thoughtless response or with a lack of understanding / back-bone that we don't *need* to do something just because someone told us to. (Now it is helpful for keeping jobs, steady pay-checks and food on the table, but STILL it is a choice as to whether we are going to do something for someone else, even if the choice is easy by other rewards (job, steady pay-check food) provided...)
I have learned this lesson - am still learning this lesson - the hard way. When I get in a pressured situation working with others, my ADD becomes so hyperfocused on what needs to be done, that I have been told I am REALLY good at barking orders. Apparently, others kinda feel resentful towards me for that. Some have even called me "bossy" and many, then, don't really want to work with me, again. Fortunately I left most of those losers behind in California years ago. ;)
I am still horrible at thank you notes, but I do try to go out of my way to make sure the person knows that I'm grateful. And I try to recognize that part of what is wanted behind a "thank you" note is not only an acknowledgment that you got it from you, but a confirmation that what they sent actually arrived. It is a kindness we give to the giver to let them know it was received.
I cringe whenever I read Dear Abby and hear about thank you notes not received, or gifts not received where protocol would expect them. A recent letter (and I can't find it to link here) was from a couple who had a sibling who had not given them a wedding gift, but now, a few years later, gave a lavish gift to another sibling. I cringed reading it thinking said sibling may very well have given them a gift, but it could have been lost or otherwise waylaid on its way to them. I don't know the circumstances, and they're probably as the letter writer wrote them, but it made me think of that possibility and how religious thank you notes sent and expected (and then not received for a non-gift) could have lead the sibling to politely enquire as to whether they got his or her gift. (My ADD brain goes wild sometimes! I think you may have realized that!)
But I have spent many years, now, listening to the Dalai Lama, and studying the "art of compassion" which he says underlies the "art of happiness" and it has made it easier to understand and hear the effect of what happens when we demand without thought to others. It has caused me to listen to others as they interact. To see the fallen faces when someone they love just demands something of them, and I see it underlying SOME of people's complaints and observations of emotional abuse, including my own observations.
And I'm still not good at it. But I try hard to be aware of it.
And I know you can't teach a 30 month old that the reason she should speak politely and calmly is out of kindness towards the other person. And I know many adults may not even realize that the reason we are kind and polite is NOT because it is more likely to get us what we want (although that is many folks' motivations) but we do it out of kindness to the other person. To say to the other person, I respect you. I care about you. I appreciate you. To acknowledge they don't HAVE to do what they are doing for you, and yet, nonetheless they have. To recognize that as a gift.
I was about to write to recognize they have no "duty" but I know that's a loaded word, and many of us would argue that there are many situations in which there is a *duty*. However, I think we can also describe many situations where even though there is a clear duty, it doesn't mean a person will do what they should. (Otherwise, for example, we wouldn't need the department of child and family services, or at least such a large one) Reinforcing, ultimately, that anything someone does for us is something they didn't have to do. (Obviously Hollywood scenarios where guns are drawn to head negate this, but even then, frankly, we have a choice, because we could allow ourselves to be shot!)
I am distressed by how much in this already demanding world, we respond by "demanding" more from others. And I do think these are hard lessons to learn and hard lessons to teach, and they are easier to teach at a younger age than at an older one. Part of my learning process was watching the expressions on someone else's face - someone I cared about - when I "barked" once rather than "asked".
As human beings we seek to be accepted and loved. We should express ourselves to each other in a way that acknowledges those basic simple universal desires. We should treat each other in a way we would like to be treated, and appreciate each other for all that we do for each other. We have seen quite clearly every day what happens when we forget this, or when others forget this. We've seen the destruction the damage, whether it be minor annoyance or great anger, to the hung head, the dropped face. My friend spoils her son because she loves him. She will gladly make him dinner every night whether he asks for it or not. But I see her face fall, her head drop, when he responds with demands and not requests. It isn't because she doesn't want to do those things for him, but because she is hurt - whether she'll admit it or not - that he doesn't seem to appreciate her and love her for doing them. His words are not kind. They aren't mean, but they aren't kind. This accumulates.
Let's accumulate love and kindness that can then more easily forgive and understand an occasional harsh, rush or hurried word or demand. No, what you've said may not be unkind, but wouldn't it be nicer if it were kind?
So as I continue to think on these things and I continue in my glass house to try and learn these lessons, I invite you to reflect on how you treat those you care about and how you show them through all your actions and all your words how much you love them. And if you're not, what might happen if you changed that? What if you didn't just assume that they knew you loved them? What would it hurt you to treat your loved ones as though you actually loved them?
It wouldn't hurt at all...
After writing it, I decided it was time to take a shower and get going for the day, so this technically becomes another shower post. [Borg properly pauses typing, moves over to the right, and applies Label, since Borg is often so forgetful about these tools]
As I lathered up and thought about what I wrote, I realized that last potential way in which my last post could be viewed. Is that what I intended? No, not really, but perhaps so since in some ways that's where I went with it. It wasn't what I intended when I wrote the words "Dog Sitting" in the Post title.
[A brief aside into the process of blogging for ME. Every time I start a post, I start with the title. I don't do this in other areas of writing, but I do here. Every once in awhile, while typing, I recognize my post is going some different direction, and that another title might be appropriate and change it, but it is rare. I use the title as my sign post, and before I finish the entry, I stop and re-read it to make sure that as I draw my conclusion that I tie it back up to that originating idea. I mean the title to be catchy, but I also use it (or try to use it) as a tool to keep my blog entries somewhat focused - I do have ADD, you'll recall, and I'm sure there is more than one post not specifically related to ADD where that has been made perfectly clear!) When I hit "New Post" I have a kernel of thoughts about where I'm going and what I want to express, but a LOT develops as I'm writing, and sometimes I go in directions I didn't originally plan for. I trust my fingers to go where they need to most times... even if they stray from the "plan"]
I want to be very clear that I am not trying to throw stones. Because I know that I live in a glass house. It is with a conscious effort, frankly, that I most often use "please" and "thank you". I've gotten much better now, and I probably throw it out unconsciously a bit, but I often am thinking about how important it is to make sure whoever I'm speaking to knows how much I appreciate what they are doing for me and recognizes that I am asking them to do something they really have no obligation, necessarily, to do. That if they do what I ask of them, ideally it is out of the kindness of their heart.
The reality is, of course, we have become programmed, sometimes, to simply respond to demands without thinking whether this is something we want to do for the other person or should do for the other person. Often we do things for others not necessarily as a gift, but as a thoughtless response or with a lack of understanding / back-bone that we don't *need* to do something just because someone told us to. (Now it is helpful for keeping jobs, steady pay-checks and food on the table, but STILL it is a choice as to whether we are going to do something for someone else, even if the choice is easy by other rewards (job, steady pay-check food) provided...)
I have learned this lesson - am still learning this lesson - the hard way. When I get in a pressured situation working with others, my ADD becomes so hyperfocused on what needs to be done, that I have been told I am REALLY good at barking orders. Apparently, others kinda feel resentful towards me for that. Some have even called me "bossy" and many, then, don't really want to work with me, again. Fortunately I left most of those losers behind in California years ago. ;)
I am still horrible at thank you notes, but I do try to go out of my way to make sure the person knows that I'm grateful. And I try to recognize that part of what is wanted behind a "thank you" note is not only an acknowledgment that you got it from you, but a confirmation that what they sent actually arrived. It is a kindness we give to the giver to let them know it was received.
I cringe whenever I read Dear Abby and hear about thank you notes not received, or gifts not received where protocol would expect them. A recent letter (and I can't find it to link here) was from a couple who had a sibling who had not given them a wedding gift, but now, a few years later, gave a lavish gift to another sibling. I cringed reading it thinking said sibling may very well have given them a gift, but it could have been lost or otherwise waylaid on its way to them. I don't know the circumstances, and they're probably as the letter writer wrote them, but it made me think of that possibility and how religious thank you notes sent and expected (and then not received for a non-gift) could have lead the sibling to politely enquire as to whether they got his or her gift. (My ADD brain goes wild sometimes! I think you may have realized that!)
But I have spent many years, now, listening to the Dalai Lama, and studying the "art of compassion" which he says underlies the "art of happiness" and it has made it easier to understand and hear the effect of what happens when we demand without thought to others. It has caused me to listen to others as they interact. To see the fallen faces when someone they love just demands something of them, and I see it underlying SOME of people's complaints and observations of emotional abuse, including my own observations.
And I'm still not good at it. But I try hard to be aware of it.
And I know you can't teach a 30 month old that the reason she should speak politely and calmly is out of kindness towards the other person. And I know many adults may not even realize that the reason we are kind and polite is NOT because it is more likely to get us what we want (although that is many folks' motivations) but we do it out of kindness to the other person. To say to the other person, I respect you. I care about you. I appreciate you. To acknowledge they don't HAVE to do what they are doing for you, and yet, nonetheless they have. To recognize that as a gift.
I was about to write to recognize they have no "duty" but I know that's a loaded word, and many of us would argue that there are many situations in which there is a *duty*. However, I think we can also describe many situations where even though there is a clear duty, it doesn't mean a person will do what they should. (Otherwise, for example, we wouldn't need the department of child and family services, or at least such a large one) Reinforcing, ultimately, that anything someone does for us is something they didn't have to do. (Obviously Hollywood scenarios where guns are drawn to head negate this, but even then, frankly, we have a choice, because we could allow ourselves to be shot!)
I am distressed by how much in this already demanding world, we respond by "demanding" more from others. And I do think these are hard lessons to learn and hard lessons to teach, and they are easier to teach at a younger age than at an older one. Part of my learning process was watching the expressions on someone else's face - someone I cared about - when I "barked" once rather than "asked".
As human beings we seek to be accepted and loved. We should express ourselves to each other in a way that acknowledges those basic simple universal desires. We should treat each other in a way we would like to be treated, and appreciate each other for all that we do for each other. We have seen quite clearly every day what happens when we forget this, or when others forget this. We've seen the destruction the damage, whether it be minor annoyance or great anger, to the hung head, the dropped face. My friend spoils her son because she loves him. She will gladly make him dinner every night whether he asks for it or not. But I see her face fall, her head drop, when he responds with demands and not requests. It isn't because she doesn't want to do those things for him, but because she is hurt - whether she'll admit it or not - that he doesn't seem to appreciate her and love her for doing them. His words are not kind. They aren't mean, but they aren't kind. This accumulates.
Let's accumulate love and kindness that can then more easily forgive and understand an occasional harsh, rush or hurried word or demand. No, what you've said may not be unkind, but wouldn't it be nicer if it were kind?
So as I continue to think on these things and I continue in my glass house to try and learn these lessons, I invite you to reflect on how you treat those you care about and how you show them through all your actions and all your words how much you love them. And if you're not, what might happen if you changed that? What if you didn't just assume that they knew you loved them? What would it hurt you to treat your loved ones as though you actually loved them?
It wouldn't hurt at all...
Monday, July 30, 2012
Holes
Some times people leave your life and they leave a hole where they used to be. In your life. In your heart. Even in your day, sometimes, if they were the type to interact with you daily.
And you try to fill the hole that they left with other things, other people, other distractions. Because the reality is that in life people come and go, and mostly, we are helpless to stop them. (Resistance is futile, damnit!) We hope that they'll stay awhile, enjoy our company, and never want to go, but usually there comes a time and they must be on their way.
One of my friends reminded me of this just over three years ago. She sent me this e-mail about how people are in your life for a moment, a season, or a life-time. That sometimes people are just there for a reason for that moment, and when that moment or that season is passed, so does the friendship or relationship. At the time she sent it was a particularly difficult morning for me as I was beginning to recognize and accept that my relationship with my wife - something that was supposed to be forever - was over. I wasn't ready to accept those words of wisdom, that encouraged letting people go when it was time. I remember screaming loudly in my (fortunately private) office that morning when I read her e-mail and took that next step in accepting what was. (I have, since, for the most part accepted that - and that is not what this is about)
I've never been particularly good at letting go. You can tell because this is a theme that I keep revisiting. Because I can't let go, easily.
That Dalai Lama says to find those things in your life that bring you happiness and hold onto them. That's all I've been trying to do...
In the meantime, I do my best with what I have to try and fill the hole that has been left by someone very dear to me. Some days - particularly hormonal days like today that make me more emotional - are harder than others. Sometimes everywhere I look I see where she once was but is not now. I want to hear her voice, her "luv ya" at the end of a phone call, at the end of an e-mail, or at the end of a text. Feel her arms holding me tight both in happiness and in sadness. Her holding my hand in compansionship. Someone to laugh at my jokes. To just give me that smile that brightens my day. And to be someone special to her. To know that my presence, too, has brightened her day...
There is a hole there where she used to be... and no matter how hard I dig, I just can't seem to fill it...
And you try to fill the hole that they left with other things, other people, other distractions. Because the reality is that in life people come and go, and mostly, we are helpless to stop them. (Resistance is futile, damnit!) We hope that they'll stay awhile, enjoy our company, and never want to go, but usually there comes a time and they must be on their way.
One of my friends reminded me of this just over three years ago. She sent me this e-mail about how people are in your life for a moment, a season, or a life-time. That sometimes people are just there for a reason for that moment, and when that moment or that season is passed, so does the friendship or relationship. At the time she sent it was a particularly difficult morning for me as I was beginning to recognize and accept that my relationship with my wife - something that was supposed to be forever - was over. I wasn't ready to accept those words of wisdom, that encouraged letting people go when it was time. I remember screaming loudly in my (fortunately private) office that morning when I read her e-mail and took that next step in accepting what was. (I have, since, for the most part accepted that - and that is not what this is about)
I've never been particularly good at letting go. You can tell because this is a theme that I keep revisiting. Because I can't let go, easily.
That Dalai Lama says to find those things in your life that bring you happiness and hold onto them. That's all I've been trying to do...
In the meantime, I do my best with what I have to try and fill the hole that has been left by someone very dear to me. Some days - particularly hormonal days like today that make me more emotional - are harder than others. Sometimes everywhere I look I see where she once was but is not now. I want to hear her voice, her "luv ya" at the end of a phone call, at the end of an e-mail, or at the end of a text. Feel her arms holding me tight both in happiness and in sadness. Her holding my hand in compansionship. Someone to laugh at my jokes. To just give me that smile that brightens my day. And to be someone special to her. To know that my presence, too, has brightened her day...
There is a hole there where she used to be... and no matter how hard I dig, I just can't seem to fill it...
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Sticks & Stones - A Follow Up - Pt 2 - Beating Yourself Up
Yesterday, I began typing the prior post (Sticks & Stones - A Follow Up - Pt 1 - Self Esteem) in response to a comment I had received on my June 30th post.
I began the Pt 1 post:
My post Sticks & Stones from June 30th really struck a chord with folks. It's currently the fifth most read post of all-time on my blog.
Today I received a comment that struck me:
So this Pt 2 is a continuation of the earlier post. (I'm guessing labeling them Pt 1 and Pt 2, you may have already figured this out?? Maybe..)
The next part about this comment that struck me and I wanted to talk about was the element of beating ourselves up.
Raise your hands if you've beaten yourself up... Yes, that's what I thought. So, the first thing I want to ask you is NOT to beat yourself up for having beaten yourself up when I now tell you to quit beating yourself up. Okay? Okay.
Quit beating yourself up.
In the early nineties, Saturday Night Live began a series of bits called "Daily Affirmations" with Stuart Smalley, played by Al Franken. (If you want the full history and all the facts you never wanted to know, including that the first episode this appeared on was in 1991 and hosted by Kevin Bacon, feel free to read the Wikipedia article.)
His catch-phrase at the end of it was "Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."
And I admit that I did watch many of these bits "live" (yes, from New York) when they first aired, and I was amused by Stuart. He is a character that has remained with me since then. Yes, he is a caricature.
But, nonetheless, we can learn from our friend Stuart.
My commenter bemoans a point I made in the original post about how we hear the negative things 10x louder than we hear the positive things. It may perhaps be most true of what we say to (or hear from) ourselves.
In Pt 1, I wrote:
It's not the first time in this blog that I have admitted (despite the jokes about collective, etc.) that I am human. I even have had a tag for it over there on the right - go ahead, when you're done here, click it (I don't remember what comes up, but have fun). I also have a tag over there for inconsistency. If you knew me in real life, than at some point, you've heard me say, "I'm wrong. I've been wrong before, and I'll be wrong again. That you can count on."
The first thing you need to do, then, to work on building your own self-esteem is to recognize that NONE of us is perfect. NONE of us. Not the Pope, not Mother Theresa, maybe (although this actually feels blasphemous to write) not even the Dalai Lama (although he's damn close!). Not you. Not me. Not your significant other. Not your parents. Surely, from what I hear from you guys, not your kids. Not your teachers. Not your priests or your bishops. Not your Rabbis. (I could try hard to be inclusionary, but let's just pretend I listed every potential religious kind of leader, and move on). Certainly there are many out there would agree not our politicians, or our political leaders. Not our friends.
NONE of us is perfect.
So tell me something, then, if none of us is perfect, why do *you* expect yourself to BE perfect?? Isn't one of the key ways to achieve success is to begin by setting realistic goals? (I just made that up, but it sounds good, right?) So why do you set yourself up for disappointment and failure by expecting yourself to be perfect?
Accept that you are not perfect, and that you never will be. Not in your mother's eyes, not in your teacher's eyes, not in your spouse's eyes. Guess what? Everyone, including yourself, WILL FIND FAULT with you, because none of us is without fault.
Wow. That sucks, doesn't it?
Alright, stay with me now. Don't curl up into that depressed ball and give up.
That's actually the good news. Really. Because if you can TRULY believe that you're not perfect, and that there is fault and all that does is make you JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, then you can begin to stop being so hurt by these simple truths.
Now, to be clear, I do not use the fact that I am human to absolve me from blame. Nope, in fact, you'll remember up there, I said we all have faults, and we are, therefore, sometimes at fault, too. It's not an excuse to just give up and do nothing, and just go, Oops, well, I'm human, what can you expect? No. That's not the message.
The message is once you shed the basic things that first slow us down when someone "attacks" us or "criticizes" us, or we even beat ourselves up for being imperfect, then we can take time to focus on the true content of what is being said or observed or reflected. And then figure out whether there's anything we can gain or learn from it. And I'll talk a little more about that in Pt 3 when I get there.
But next time you find yourself beating yourself up, stop. Figure out how productive that is. Figure out why you are upset at yourself. Are you upset because you're not perfect? See above and get over it. You're not alone. There's no use being upset about something you can't change.
One of my good friends is 4'8". She's short. She knows she's short. She used to teach, and has been mistaken, from behind, of being one of the kids. We frequently make jokes about her being short today, even though she's 75+ years old. And she often participates in the jokes. What she doesn't do is get upset about it. You want to know why? Because she IS short. And she knows it. She's accepted that this is part of who she is. Why be upset about something she can't change about herself? What purpose does that serve?
So, next time you are being attacked - particularly by yourself - for not being perfect, say, "Yep. I'm not" and move on. Don't get stuck here.
EDITED:
But do move onto Pt 3 which is will addresshow DO we find something productive in all the noise around us. how to incorporate this understanding into something positive. Pt 4 (may) address how to find something productive in all the noise around us.. that's the problem with publishing as you go!! ;)
I began the Pt 1 post:
My post Sticks & Stones from June 30th really struck a chord with folks. It's currently the fifth most read post of all-time on my blog.
Today I received a comment that struck me:
Why is it so hard to believe a compliment someone gives us,and so easy to believe the hurtful things other can say? I admittedly have Self Esteem problems. I have severe depression and a tendency to self harm (generally more mentally than physically) I beat myself to a pulp all the time. I don't need anyone else to do it for me. How do I stop letting it effect me?This comment set my mind off in several different directions (and based on how long I typed on the second direction, it will clearly also, set me off on several blog posts, too).
So this Pt 2 is a continuation of the earlier post. (I'm guessing labeling them Pt 1 and Pt 2, you may have already figured this out?? Maybe..)
The next part about this comment that struck me and I wanted to talk about was the element of beating ourselves up.
Raise your hands if you've beaten yourself up... Yes, that's what I thought. So, the first thing I want to ask you is NOT to beat yourself up for having beaten yourself up when I now tell you to quit beating yourself up. Okay? Okay.
Quit beating yourself up.
In the early nineties, Saturday Night Live began a series of bits called "Daily Affirmations" with Stuart Smalley, played by Al Franken. (If you want the full history and all the facts you never wanted to know, including that the first episode this appeared on was in 1991 and hosted by Kevin Bacon, feel free to read the Wikipedia article.)
His catch-phrase at the end of it was "Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."
And I admit that I did watch many of these bits "live" (yes, from New York) when they first aired, and I was amused by Stuart. He is a character that has remained with me since then. Yes, he is a caricature.
But, nonetheless, we can learn from our friend Stuart.
My commenter bemoans a point I made in the original post about how we hear the negative things 10x louder than we hear the positive things. It may perhaps be most true of what we say to (or hear from) ourselves.
In Pt 1, I wrote:
I know who I am and I am comfortable with who I am. I know I'm not perfect,
and I'm happy with that. I know that I am human. I know that I will make
mistakes. I know that I will hurt people, even though, for the most part, I try
very hard to be supportive and not hurtful. I know that I do the best I can,
and I try not to beat myself up too much about the things where I fall short
where I want to be, and instead, try to learn from those experiences and do
better next time.
The first thing you need to do, then, to work on building your own self-esteem is to recognize that NONE of us is perfect. NONE of us. Not the Pope, not Mother Theresa, maybe (although this actually feels blasphemous to write) not even the Dalai Lama (although he's damn close!). Not you. Not me. Not your significant other. Not your parents. Surely, from what I hear from you guys, not your kids. Not your teachers. Not your priests or your bishops. Not your Rabbis. (I could try hard to be inclusionary, but let's just pretend I listed every potential religious kind of leader, and move on). Certainly there are many out there would agree not our politicians, or our political leaders. Not our friends.
NONE of us is perfect.
So tell me something, then, if none of us is perfect, why do *you* expect yourself to BE perfect?? Isn't one of the key ways to achieve success is to begin by setting realistic goals? (I just made that up, but it sounds good, right?) So why do you set yourself up for disappointment and failure by expecting yourself to be perfect?
Accept that you are not perfect, and that you never will be. Not in your mother's eyes, not in your teacher's eyes, not in your spouse's eyes. Guess what? Everyone, including yourself, WILL FIND FAULT with you, because none of us is without fault.
Wow. That sucks, doesn't it?
Alright, stay with me now. Don't curl up into that depressed ball and give up.
That's actually the good news. Really. Because if you can TRULY believe that you're not perfect, and that there is fault and all that does is make you JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, then you can begin to stop being so hurt by these simple truths.
Now, to be clear, I do not use the fact that I am human to absolve me from blame. Nope, in fact, you'll remember up there, I said we all have faults, and we are, therefore, sometimes at fault, too. It's not an excuse to just give up and do nothing, and just go, Oops, well, I'm human, what can you expect? No. That's not the message.
The message is once you shed the basic things that first slow us down when someone "attacks" us or "criticizes" us, or we even beat ourselves up for being imperfect, then we can take time to focus on the true content of what is being said or observed or reflected. And then figure out whether there's anything we can gain or learn from it. And I'll talk a little more about that in Pt 3 when I get there.
But next time you find yourself beating yourself up, stop. Figure out how productive that is. Figure out why you are upset at yourself. Are you upset because you're not perfect? See above and get over it. You're not alone. There's no use being upset about something you can't change.
One of my good friends is 4'8". She's short. She knows she's short. She used to teach, and has been mistaken, from behind, of being one of the kids. We frequently make jokes about her being short today, even though she's 75+ years old. And she often participates in the jokes. What she doesn't do is get upset about it. You want to know why? Because she IS short. And she knows it. She's accepted that this is part of who she is. Why be upset about something she can't change about herself? What purpose does that serve?
So, next time you are being attacked - particularly by yourself - for not being perfect, say, "Yep. I'm not" and move on. Don't get stuck here.
EDITED:
But do move onto Pt 3 which is will address
Monday, June 18, 2012
The Art of Happiness
In the book "by" the Dalai Lama discussing the art of happiness, one of the keys to happiness is quite simple: increase the number of things in your life that bring you pleasure, and decrease the things in your life that don't. (I use "by" because the book is written by this other guy, clearly in his own voice, about his discussions with the Dalai Lama on this topic, so the underlying ideas are his, but ... well, that's more than you need to know)
Yes, I'm simplifying things, and I don't think the Dalai Lama will mind too much because he seems to think that the secrets to life are very simple, so...
This weekend I had a stark reminder of how that works. One of the group of friends I went to visit, I have known since college. Let's just say that time has not been her friend. And I wonder, as I type now, if she was as bitter in college when I first knew her as she is now, and I just didn't notice and it's be amplified by time, or if this is something life has given her in the last 20 or so years.
Because she is not a happy person. And, as the Dalai Lama instructs, I do feel compassion for her. I wish I could find some way to uplift her mood or outlook on life, but I do realize, at the end of the day, that's not my job or responsibility. Or perhaps, sadly, possible.
There was a group of us all together, so we didn't always spend all our time all together. And in reflecting about the weekend, I find that I really enjoyed the time this weekend when she wasn't around, and I really didn't enjoy the time this weekend when she was present. Now, I hate reaching that conclusion. It saddens me tremendously. But, I also respect and acknowledge it.
And I realize that I will limit the responses to invitations from this friend to small bits and not large ones like a full weekend in the future. I will meet them for dinner, where I can escape after a lovely meal catching up. But I will not plan on spending a long evening with them where I feel trapped and unable to escape her negativity.
I'm not sure I can necessarily capture in any greater detail or specificity what it was about her demeanor this weekend that turned me off so much, and I'm not sure for the purpose of this post that I need to. But I did appreciate the CLEAR illustration of the Dalai Lama's principle of reducing or removing things in your life that do not bring you happiness.
Share your stories about toxic people in your life, and think about who you might need to spend less time around in order to be happy and not dragged down to their level of unhappiness.
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If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Yes, I'm simplifying things, and I don't think the Dalai Lama will mind too much because he seems to think that the secrets to life are very simple, so...
This weekend I had a stark reminder of how that works. One of the group of friends I went to visit, I have known since college. Let's just say that time has not been her friend. And I wonder, as I type now, if she was as bitter in college when I first knew her as she is now, and I just didn't notice and it's be amplified by time, or if this is something life has given her in the last 20 or so years.
Because she is not a happy person. And, as the Dalai Lama instructs, I do feel compassion for her. I wish I could find some way to uplift her mood or outlook on life, but I do realize, at the end of the day, that's not my job or responsibility. Or perhaps, sadly, possible.
There was a group of us all together, so we didn't always spend all our time all together. And in reflecting about the weekend, I find that I really enjoyed the time this weekend when she wasn't around, and I really didn't enjoy the time this weekend when she was present. Now, I hate reaching that conclusion. It saddens me tremendously. But, I also respect and acknowledge it.
And I realize that I will limit the responses to invitations from this friend to small bits and not large ones like a full weekend in the future. I will meet them for dinner, where I can escape after a lovely meal catching up. But I will not plan on spending a long evening with them where I feel trapped and unable to escape her negativity.
I'm not sure I can necessarily capture in any greater detail or specificity what it was about her demeanor this weekend that turned me off so much, and I'm not sure for the purpose of this post that I need to. But I did appreciate the CLEAR illustration of the Dalai Lama's principle of reducing or removing things in your life that do not bring you happiness.
Share your stories about toxic people in your life, and think about who you might need to spend less time around in order to be happy and not dragged down to their level of unhappiness.
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If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Buttons...
There is a "joke" response that I've often given when I've heard someone express frustration over their mother. "Why is it that she can seem to push all my buttons?" To which I give them the classic line (and I'm sure it's not mine originally), "Because she installed them."
I have been trying to write a post for some time now about button pushing people, and figuring out which buttons it is that are even being pushed.
Yesterday, for example, I saw the train coming. The headlight heading my way as the train approached. I had plenty of time to step out of the way, and even made one half-hearted attempt to do so (although when I made it I thought it was full-hearted, but clearly was not). But somehow I found myself caught in the light, stuck in the track and unable to get out of the way of this train that tried to steam-roll over me.
At some level, I remained detached. Unlike other interactions with this person before, I did not lose control of myself, but I did seem to easily lose control of the situation. Unlike before, when the train came from behind and I was completely surprised by this person, I saw it coming. But I still couldn't step out of the way. Why couldn't I let people behave idiotically if they chose to do so? What compels me to point out the error in their logic? Do I really hope to change their mind?
As I've written before, I am a church-going person. I admit that circumstances wouldn't have to be so much different for me NOT to be a church-going person. A lot of why I go is for the sense of community. And I have become very involved, so extracting myself, at this point, would be difficult. But I have found myself dreading Sunday mornings lately because of one parishioner who knows how to ring my bell - and not in the good way. He walks in the door, and already I'm annoyed. He can never answer a direct question. He can never accept a simple answer. And, I concluded last Sunday, the reason he annoys me most is that he has or at least shows little respect for me.
I like to think that I am a reasonably decent person who treats other people, well, reasonably decent. I don't expect people to kow tow in front of me and lick my boots. I don't hold myself in such high (over-inflated) self-esteem. But I don't expect people to walk all over me, either. I expect, surprisingly, to be treated reasonably decent.
Now I understand that I can provoke someone with the best of them. And if someone responds upset to something provocative by me, I can respect that. I can even respect an irrational response. But it makes a difference, in the end to me, whether someone can back up and try and understand their own response, and articulate to me why what I said or did upset them. If they can, at some point, step back and evaluate the situation and try to resolve it rather than escalate it.
I can even half-heartedly accept a half-hearted apology - "Sorry, woke up on the wrong side of the bed" We all over-react, and sometimes don't even understand our own over-reactions. And there will even be times when we won't see it. Over time and experience with you, I can learn to understand and accept that. And even in the beginning, I will give you the benefit of the doubt.
I work hard at giving the compassion the Dalai Lama states is the secret to happiness. But, I admit, in return, I expect or hope an attempt at compassion for me from you. I don't think that is too much to expect.
And apparently, those who can't give it, have found a button in me that they can push.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
I have been trying to write a post for some time now about button pushing people, and figuring out which buttons it is that are even being pushed.
Yesterday, for example, I saw the train coming. The headlight heading my way as the train approached. I had plenty of time to step out of the way, and even made one half-hearted attempt to do so (although when I made it I thought it was full-hearted, but clearly was not). But somehow I found myself caught in the light, stuck in the track and unable to get out of the way of this train that tried to steam-roll over me.
At some level, I remained detached. Unlike other interactions with this person before, I did not lose control of myself, but I did seem to easily lose control of the situation. Unlike before, when the train came from behind and I was completely surprised by this person, I saw it coming. But I still couldn't step out of the way. Why couldn't I let people behave idiotically if they chose to do so? What compels me to point out the error in their logic? Do I really hope to change their mind?
As I've written before, I am a church-going person. I admit that circumstances wouldn't have to be so much different for me NOT to be a church-going person. A lot of why I go is for the sense of community. And I have become very involved, so extracting myself, at this point, would be difficult. But I have found myself dreading Sunday mornings lately because of one parishioner who knows how to ring my bell - and not in the good way. He walks in the door, and already I'm annoyed. He can never answer a direct question. He can never accept a simple answer. And, I concluded last Sunday, the reason he annoys me most is that he has or at least shows little respect for me.
I like to think that I am a reasonably decent person who treats other people, well, reasonably decent. I don't expect people to kow tow in front of me and lick my boots. I don't hold myself in such high (over-inflated) self-esteem. But I don't expect people to walk all over me, either. I expect, surprisingly, to be treated reasonably decent.
Now I understand that I can provoke someone with the best of them. And if someone responds upset to something provocative by me, I can respect that. I can even respect an irrational response. But it makes a difference, in the end to me, whether someone can back up and try and understand their own response, and articulate to me why what I said or did upset them. If they can, at some point, step back and evaluate the situation and try to resolve it rather than escalate it.
I can even half-heartedly accept a half-hearted apology - "Sorry, woke up on the wrong side of the bed" We all over-react, and sometimes don't even understand our own over-reactions. And there will even be times when we won't see it. Over time and experience with you, I can learn to understand and accept that. And even in the beginning, I will give you the benefit of the doubt.
I work hard at giving the compassion the Dalai Lama states is the secret to happiness. But, I admit, in return, I expect or hope an attempt at compassion for me from you. I don't think that is too much to expect.
And apparently, those who can't give it, have found a button in me that they can push.
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If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
We are family - Borg Family
For those who are unfamiliar with the Borg from Star Trek, this article from Wikipedia is actually quite helpful to bring you up to speed. I *do* not suggest you need to read the WHOLE article, but the first few paragraphs should give you an overview.
While the naming of this blog was a product of auto-correct, on more than one occasion, the naming of the blog after this “pseudo-race” from Star Trek seems very fitting, nonetheless.
Although I am an active weekly church-goer and participant, I find much value in Eastern philosophies. Early on,I was amused to make the connection between Taoism and the Borg, when I first read in an elementary book on Taoism (it may even have been the Tao of Pooh)that resistance is futile.
The Borg operates as a collective. All the smaller units are really just part of a whole and they all have the same data and responses, generally to any situation. They think alike. They are alike.
In the last two weeks, I have made more friends in the Twitter-verse (particularly from #wineparty) that I now follow. It is clear, of course, that it has attracted like-minded people. But the similarities amongst us are remarkable. There have been a number of tweets that I have flagged with the thought of using them as “story-starters”or post generators. Where one of you has expressed something that I strongly agree with, or have expressed at some point (likely recently) myself. Made an observation that I have made. Felt the same emotions, reactions, responses as I have felt. And even some of you have responded to my tweets or my blog with amazement at how much you feel like you could have written that.
A friend of mine was venting to me last night by e-mail about the evil ex of her current flame. And she ended it with a stern warning of her mood: “please don't give me the compassionspeech”. I admit – and she may not want to know this – I laughed a little at that. Because in many ways we are more alike than we are different. And I often preach (see, Dad was right) to stop and put yourself in someone else’s shoes to try and understand why they are reacting or responding the way that they are acting. If we can step back from ourselves and always being right, we may realize that if we were in the same situation we might be acting the same way – or at least want to.
When we stop and realize that I am just like you and you are just like me – with all of our wonderful qualities and all of our flaws (yes, you DO have flaws, sorry, honey, you are NOT perfect) – then it is easier to give someone else the break that we feel we deserve.
If we stopped and thought of ourselves as a collective – as one being of sorts – so that hurting someone else was really the same as hurting ourselves, perhaps we might think twice about some of our behavior towards others. If we realize that the ultimate impact in mistreating others was being mistreated ourselves, then perhaps we might treat each other a little gentler.
One poor tweep today in reaction to another friend on Facebook reposting a Dalai Lama quote blasted her (or him?) about how she didn’t want to read some stupid repost PARTICULARLY when she knew that you didn’t even believe it yourself. I teased her back, “but I do!” and she felt sheepish and clarified that it wasn’t about me (which I knew). But I do believe in all that compassion stuff that the Dalai Lama talks about. It is hard to practice, but I think if we stop and realize that we are all extensions of one another, and treat each other with the same respect as we want, the world – or at least the one that you live in – will begin to look better.
Resistance, after all, is futile. You will become one with the Borg. You will be assimilated. We are one.
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If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
While the naming of this blog was a product of auto-correct, on more than one occasion, the naming of the blog after this “pseudo-race” from Star Trek seems very fitting, nonetheless.
Although I am an active weekly church-goer and participant, I find much value in Eastern philosophies. Early on,I was amused to make the connection between Taoism and the Borg, when I first read in an elementary book on Taoism (it may even have been the Tao of Pooh)that resistance is futile.
The Borg operates as a collective. All the smaller units are really just part of a whole and they all have the same data and responses, generally to any situation. They think alike. They are alike.
In the last two weeks, I have made more friends in the Twitter-verse (particularly from #wineparty) that I now follow. It is clear, of course, that it has attracted like-minded people. But the similarities amongst us are remarkable. There have been a number of tweets that I have flagged with the thought of using them as “story-starters”or post generators. Where one of you has expressed something that I strongly agree with, or have expressed at some point (likely recently) myself. Made an observation that I have made. Felt the same emotions, reactions, responses as I have felt. And even some of you have responded to my tweets or my blog with amazement at how much you feel like you could have written that.
A friend of mine was venting to me last night by e-mail about the evil ex of her current flame. And she ended it with a stern warning of her mood: “please don't give me the compassionspeech”. I admit – and she may not want to know this – I laughed a little at that. Because in many ways we are more alike than we are different. And I often preach (see, Dad was right) to stop and put yourself in someone else’s shoes to try and understand why they are reacting or responding the way that they are acting. If we can step back from ourselves and always being right, we may realize that if we were in the same situation we might be acting the same way – or at least want to.
When we stop and realize that I am just like you and you are just like me – with all of our wonderful qualities and all of our flaws (yes, you DO have flaws, sorry, honey, you are NOT perfect) – then it is easier to give someone else the break that we feel we deserve.
If we stopped and thought of ourselves as a collective – as one being of sorts – so that hurting someone else was really the same as hurting ourselves, perhaps we might think twice about some of our behavior towards others. If we realize that the ultimate impact in mistreating others was being mistreated ourselves, then perhaps we might treat each other a little gentler.
One poor tweep today in reaction to another friend on Facebook reposting a Dalai Lama quote blasted her (or him?) about how she didn’t want to read some stupid repost PARTICULARLY when she knew that you didn’t even believe it yourself. I teased her back, “but I do!” and she felt sheepish and clarified that it wasn’t about me (which I knew). But I do believe in all that compassion stuff that the Dalai Lama talks about. It is hard to practice, but I think if we stop and realize that we are all extensions of one another, and treat each other with the same respect as we want, the world – or at least the one that you live in – will begin to look better.
Resistance, after all, is futile. You will become one with the Borg. You will be assimilated. We are one.
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If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Life Lessons
I've been re-watching a television show called Being Erica for a second time and trying to catch and write down the pithy lessons from each show. If you haven't seen it, it's a Canadian-based show that apparently aired on Soap.net (or airs, I haven't seen the most recent season) and can be found on Hulu.com, which is where I watch it. It's just a wee bit science fiction in that it combines therapy with time travel. Erica begins the show recognizing that where she is at in her life is due to a series of - in her words - bad decisions and bad choices. So, she meets Dr. Tom, and has a chance to write down this list of bad choices throughout her life, and is given an opportunity via his therapy to literally go back and do it differently.
Ironically, often things don't actually change even though she's tried to do it differently. There's quite a bit of fatalistic irony in that which I draw. But that is my opinion of the show.
But in addition to trying to draw life lessons ("The path that you are on and the choices you make define who you are") from the show, it has made me think about my life and lessons I've learned and how.
We search for the trite and simple answers to life. On the internet, in books, on television, in magazines, in church. Everywhere we go, we are often looking for The Answer.
I have already made quite clear in this blog that I am a big fan and follower of the Dalai Lama. I also go to church every Sunday. I try to seek spiritual guidance where I can.
But I recognize that the stuff that sticks, the stuff that resonates most for me are lessons I have already learned through life experience. The rest of the stuff sounds good - and probably is good - but it is hard to really learn and absorb through words alone.
It is true that I don't need to touch a hot stove to accept someone else's warning that it's hot. But I am much more likely to remember it after I've burned myself. Stoves are tough examples, because it seems like common sense, stove = hot. But think of an example that is not so obvious, that the reality is that you won't really get it until you get it.
Now, not all of life lessons have to be learned the hard way. In my opinion. But I find until we are approaching the situation, we often are not ready to hear or learn the lessons.
How often on the sitcom have you seen two characters talking, and character A is bemoaning his or her problem, and Character B gives him or her sound advice that doesn't quite seem to stick? Enter Character C with all of his or her charisma, and have him or her repeat the same things, and suddenly a light bulb goes off. It seems silly and obvious when done on a sit com, but the reality is that it happens to us all the time. We need to be ready and open to hear guidance or information about a situation before we're able to hear it and comprehend it.
But the good news is that we can get our life lessons anywhere. Off a bumper sticker, off a tweet, off a sit com, off a rom com, out of a book, from an advice columnist, from a comic strip, from a shampoo bottle (hey, sometimes lather, rinse, repeat is the answer to the question!).
We just need to be open to the message. It helps me to take time, sometimes, to think about what is being said and figure out a specific situation to which it applies. Create an analogy in my life. Although sometimes when reading it, something just clicks. Automatic synapse connection. Keep yourself open to the lessons life presents to you. And don't forget to revisit them. They may mean something completely new the next time around.
Please share with me some unlikely places you found life lessons and what you learned.
Resistance is futile.
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If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Hot and Cold
So I have this friend. And she seems to run hot and cold. (Actually, I have several friends I could describe that way, but we'll ignore the pattern for now...)
When she's cold, it is easy to walk away, count myself lucky not to have become more involved in her and her life, and just write off my losses. But when she's "hot" - or even "warm" - I find it hard to walk away.
Now I'm sensitive enough, compassionate enough (I'd like to think) to recognize that these cold moments may have nothing to do with me. That there may be other issues and things in her life going on that have nothing to do with me, that affect, nonetheless, the way she treats me.
And I think, in my cycle of rationalization, that this is why when she warms up, I'm willing to let my memory of the "cold" melt away.
But I know, too, in all that self-helpy-crap kinda stuff, that people treat you the way you let them treat you. (Oh, shit, we're going back to the pattern, after all.. damn!). And so I struggle to figure out what is the appropriate way to respond to these varying cycles.
In theory, again in my cycle of rationalization, when she's displayed a cold front, I walk away. I do not stick around to continue to feel like crap. And, in theory again because life is full of theories, I'd like to think she warms up because she misses my company, and wants it back. And clearly the acting cold thing isn't working.
But is she learning about the consequences of her behavior? Is she even aware of her behavior? Again, that whole other things in her life causing it might make her unaware of how she's treating others, well, at least me.
And it feels petty to say, "I felt like crap when you paid more attention to x than me.." I mean, really? How old am I? I recognize dealing with situations head on is the mature thing to do, but this feels like a petty thing to do.
So, she warmed up this week a little, and invited me to join her for something this weekend. I can only imagine the wagging tail giving away my eagerness to be included, and making my attempts to be cool, and unaffected moot. But the reality is I'm not sure I want to spend time with her this weekend. I'm still a little upset and hurt from before. And I have no guarantee that if I spend this time with her, she'll be different...
So here I am at 1:30 AM up and agonizing over whether I want to join her this weekend or not. I blew her off last weekend because I *wasn't* ready to deal with her again.
The Dalai Lama would say be compassionate. But what really does that mean in this situation? Be forgiving of her more thoughtless moments? That's kinda how I feel, in theory. In reality, I'm still pissed. I recognize that. Because I'm still hurt. And I feel unacknowledged. But isn't that all self-centered and egotistical of me? I mean really, I'm upset because she didn't give me the attention that I wanted and made me feel like my presence at that moment in time was unnecessary, and perhaps a slight annoyance. Maybe I was a slight annoyance. Idk.
But it isn't too much to want to feel special. Is it?
P.S. This is NOT the friend who is working from Twitter-verse! I'm not so cruel or narcissistic as to think that a person should not be occupied by a new job. This is much different, and she knows that this is not her...
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If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
When she's cold, it is easy to walk away, count myself lucky not to have become more involved in her and her life, and just write off my losses. But when she's "hot" - or even "warm" - I find it hard to walk away.
Now I'm sensitive enough, compassionate enough (I'd like to think) to recognize that these cold moments may have nothing to do with me. That there may be other issues and things in her life going on that have nothing to do with me, that affect, nonetheless, the way she treats me.
And I think, in my cycle of rationalization, that this is why when she warms up, I'm willing to let my memory of the "cold" melt away.
But I know, too, in all that self-helpy-crap kinda stuff, that people treat you the way you let them treat you. (Oh, shit, we're going back to the pattern, after all.. damn!). And so I struggle to figure out what is the appropriate way to respond to these varying cycles.
In theory, again in my cycle of rationalization, when she's displayed a cold front, I walk away. I do not stick around to continue to feel like crap. And, in theory again because life is full of theories, I'd like to think she warms up because she misses my company, and wants it back. And clearly the acting cold thing isn't working.
But is she learning about the consequences of her behavior? Is she even aware of her behavior? Again, that whole other things in her life causing it might make her unaware of how she's treating others, well, at least me.
And it feels petty to say, "I felt like crap when you paid more attention to x than me.." I mean, really? How old am I? I recognize dealing with situations head on is the mature thing to do, but this feels like a petty thing to do.
So, she warmed up this week a little, and invited me to join her for something this weekend. I can only imagine the wagging tail giving away my eagerness to be included, and making my attempts to be cool, and unaffected moot. But the reality is I'm not sure I want to spend time with her this weekend. I'm still a little upset and hurt from before. And I have no guarantee that if I spend this time with her, she'll be different...
So here I am at 1:30 AM up and agonizing over whether I want to join her this weekend or not. I blew her off last weekend because I *wasn't* ready to deal with her again.
The Dalai Lama would say be compassionate. But what really does that mean in this situation? Be forgiving of her more thoughtless moments? That's kinda how I feel, in theory. In reality, I'm still pissed. I recognize that. Because I'm still hurt. And I feel unacknowledged. But isn't that all self-centered and egotistical of me? I mean really, I'm upset because she didn't give me the attention that I wanted and made me feel like my presence at that moment in time was unnecessary, and perhaps a slight annoyance. Maybe I was a slight annoyance. Idk.
But it isn't too much to want to feel special. Is it?
P.S. This is NOT the friend who is working from Twitter-verse! I'm not so cruel or narcissistic as to think that a person should not be occupied by a new job. This is much different, and she knows that this is not her...
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If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Practicing Patience
The original title of this post was "Back the Bus Up!" - a title that reflected my frustration when I first began it. But I decided to "practice patience," and step away from it for a few days, so that I could - to quote the Dalai Lama - respond "in an appropriate and compassionate manner rather than being driven by [my] anger and irritation." Taking the time to back off and think has changed the focus of the post. I left the front part - the build-up - so that you can understand the framework behind the post. I admit wholly that this post could benefit from probably a little more practice at patience, but it'll have to do for now. I am, after all, only human.
Now, I'm gonna rant a little in here. Just warning you upfront. And I welcome any ranting back. Go ahead, get it out. But, I ask just one thing, first. Read through the whole entry before releasing your rant on me. Thank you.
I've been observing a trend lately - that I know is not new, but I've just been paying attention to it. This is the tendency to shoot first, think later, if at all.
We are not generous with each other, nor do we, apparently, naturally expect generosity from each other. So when we hear something, we often quickly react - whether in action or word or merely in thought - and often don't step back and really think about what might have happened. Then this spirals. Quickly.
You read meanness into your co-worker's e-mail, so you send something short and sharp back. The co-worker that thought she was being nice is now upset because you're upset at her, and suddenly something innocent - and perhaps even generous - has become something else due to a misunderstanding and a miscommunication.
I have problems with lawn mowers. As long as they do not belong to me, I can start them and use them just fine. Once they come under my ownership, I, no longer, have the power or ability to make them go. I have no idea why, but this is a pattern I have observed, so - in the spirit of this post - I choose to take it personally.
I received a note the other day from a neighbor who had clearly observed I was having problems getting my lawn mowed. He (or she?) offered to mow my lawn for me if I wanted, and left his number and suggested a $10 payment. I walked in and found it on my door, and felt a little sheepish because I know my lawn is getting long, and took his note as nothing but kind-hearted generousness. Yes, he suggested a fee, but I took it as kindness.
Later, after getting settled in, I was sharing my day with a friend, and I mentioned this note. She was immediately offended on my behalf and basically suggested I tell him to shove his lawn-mower where the sun don't shine (which doesn't make sense, because if the sun didn't shine, then the grass wouldn't grow, and then you wouldn't need a lawnmower??? But I digress).
I was a little surprised at her reaction, and I reassured her that, no, I thought he was just being kind. I went back and re-read the note, though, and saw that, yes, one could - I guess - take offense to it.
And this is the problem that I am observing. Faced with a choice of whether or not to take offense, so often so many of us seem to be choosing the take offense option rather than step back and try to figure out what might be going on.
Even the best intentioned person says stupid things. Some of them are genuinely stupid, and that person should be taken out back and at least gently explained why what they said was inappropriate.
But if someone doesn't tell us, then how do we learn? Oh, yes. We learn by seeing outrageous reactions to what was meant to be harmless comments. An e-mail among co-workers, a note among neighbors, a twit (er, tweet, whatever you call it) among strangers, or a warm open invitation among friends.
We all have land mines. Things that even if Mother Teresa said them to us (well, maybe I should choose someone living, like my favorite, the Dalai Lama) we'd hear in the most negative light.
I love the Dalai Lama. I've been looking back at some of his recent works to try and find the right quote for this post.
This sorta fits:
If we can manage to refrain from harming others in our everyday actions and words, we can start to give more serious attention to actively doing good, and this can be a source of great joy and inner confidence. We can benefit others through our actions by being warm and generous toward them, by being charitable, and by helping those in need.
Refraining from harming others. Good idea. Benefiting them by being warm and generous towards them. Also good.
This other one is something I've had posted lately for myself to remember by reading and re-reading
The practice of patience protects us from losing our composure. In doing that it enables us to exercise discernment, even in the heat of difficult situations. It gives us inner space. And within that space we gain a degree of self-control, which allows us to respond to situations in an appropriate and compassionate manner rather than being driven by our anger and irritation.
And I do think it fits this post well - that if we manage to practice patience and protect ourselves from losing our composure, then we can think more appropriately about the situation and how to react.
In the last twenty four hours, two separate and unrelated "events" occurred with me that has brought this issue to a head for me, and inspired this post.
The first was inadvertently tripping over a trigger for a Twitter fan. The second was recognizing that I, now, have a new trigger of my own.
I was having friendly banter with someone new yesterday afternoon via Twitter. Saw a post she made about a place I used to live, and at lunch, I posted a comment in return. Read a few more of her twits, tweets, wha-t-ever - I'm not going to become a Twitter person at this rate!!! - and enjoyed some things she had to said, and made a few more comments in reply. She replied back to me and we started an enjoyable little banter online. Or so I thought.
At one point she asked a personal identifying question of me. The question was perfectly reasonable, and certainly understandable in the context of the banter thus far. Well.. this raised an issue I've been trying to figure out how to deal with, and wrote about in my post Clark Kent - what to tell who and where? So I gave a general answer rather than a specific one, and apparently tripped over a trigger with her. What happened next may be familiar to those of you who twit on a regular basis, but let's just sum it up by saying it spiraled out of control quickly with her getting more and more upset by my responses, and me being more and more confused, dumbfounded and hurt by hers.
What became clear from her responses is that she is someone who has been hurt a lot by others, and therefore doesn't trust anyone. I'm a stranger - I don't expect a very high level of trust. But I would also not expect - and did not expect - a high level of DIS-trust. Essentially, her argument boiled down to was that "all women lie, therefore, you must be lying." I was a bit bewildered by that because, frankly, I couldn't figure out what she thought I had to gain by lying to her about very basic things. Nor what she thought I wanted from her. These are questions I still have no answers to.
The only thing that was clear was that in the moment, I had irritated and angered her. She was unable to step back and think through the situation to think about it calmly. Let alone compassionately.
And within that space we gain a degree of self-control, which allows us to respond to situations in an appropriate and compassionate manner rather than being driven by our anger and irritation.
Instead, she immediately assumed the worst about me - a virtual stranger - that I was a lying, playing mind games and thinking it was cute.
In the meantime, I was off on my way to spend some time with a friend. She has a weekend get-away spot that she goes to most every weekend, and has told me repeatedly, that I'm welcome anytime. So, taking her up on that, I joined her this past weekend. Driving home, I felt as frustrated with that situation as I had driving up about the Twitter exchange. I took some time to analyze my feelings, and realized that while it is "sweet" to think that I am welcome anytime - an open invitation I receive from many people - I came to recognize in that moment that I never wanted that kind of "invitation" again.
I knew I was reacting strongly rather than responding in an appropriate and compassionate manner, and instead I was being driven by my anger and irritation. And I know, nonetheless, that the next time someone utters those words, "You're welcome anytime" that they're likely to get a reaction that doesn't belong to them. Much as I had received from my friendly twit not 24 hours earlier. The details and analysis of THAT situation I will save for another post.
But when I began this post, I was very much aware of the similarities. Perhaps it provided me a small measure of compassion for my friendly twit. It made me realize, though, the need to encourage people to take a moment and back the bus up (the original title) and think about a situation before immediately reacting to it. Did that co-worker mean what I thought she meant in that e-mail, or is there another explanation? What happens when I look at the situation from a more compassionate perspective than an immediately offended perspective? How can I avoid the spiral?
And I think the Dalai Lama got it right. When I first read that passage, I wondered "How does one practice patience?" I thought about those hotel.com commercials where the one co-worker / friend is trying to teach the other how to wait and not feel the need to book immediately to get the best deal. Watching the turtles race. Going to the DMV. And I didn't think that was the way, but I didn't know how - in real life - one "practices" patience.
Change begins with me. It is easy to get lost and caught in that space of impatience, frustration and irritation, and then pay it forward. But I know that whenever I do that, all that I do is increase the level of impatience, frustration and irritation in the world. That if I respond with generosity, if I respond with compassion, maybe, just maybe, that generosity might encourage generosity in others.
Next time someone pushes your buttons, or acts in a manner that you find offensive, step back - back the bus up! - and try to respond in a compassionate manner. Try and stop the spiral. Try to pay the generosity forward.
If you respond, "but yeah, all women are liars, why should I trust them?" or some similar knee-jerk reaction to behavior stop and ask what you have to lose by responding with kindness and generosity rather than irritation. (Ask, so what if I *am* a liar? How does that really hurt you? I am a stranger who lives several thousand miles away who you only interacted with for the first time in the past few hours.) Try and practice patience.
As the Dalai Lama said: We can benefit others through our actions by being warm and generous toward them, by being charitable, and by helping those in need.
Let me know how it goes, and feel free to write me about your experiences. Or rant. Whichever. The first will bring a smile to my face and the second will give me more opportunities to practice. ;)
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Now, I'm gonna rant a little in here. Just warning you upfront. And I welcome any ranting back. Go ahead, get it out. But, I ask just one thing, first. Read through the whole entry before releasing your rant on me. Thank you.
I've been observing a trend lately - that I know is not new, but I've just been paying attention to it. This is the tendency to shoot first, think later, if at all.
We are not generous with each other, nor do we, apparently, naturally expect generosity from each other. So when we hear something, we often quickly react - whether in action or word or merely in thought - and often don't step back and really think about what might have happened. Then this spirals. Quickly.
You read meanness into your co-worker's e-mail, so you send something short and sharp back. The co-worker that thought she was being nice is now upset because you're upset at her, and suddenly something innocent - and perhaps even generous - has become something else due to a misunderstanding and a miscommunication.
I have problems with lawn mowers. As long as they do not belong to me, I can start them and use them just fine. Once they come under my ownership, I, no longer, have the power or ability to make them go. I have no idea why, but this is a pattern I have observed, so - in the spirit of this post - I choose to take it personally.
I received a note the other day from a neighbor who had clearly observed I was having problems getting my lawn mowed. He (or she?) offered to mow my lawn for me if I wanted, and left his number and suggested a $10 payment. I walked in and found it on my door, and felt a little sheepish because I know my lawn is getting long, and took his note as nothing but kind-hearted generousness. Yes, he suggested a fee, but I took it as kindness.
Later, after getting settled in, I was sharing my day with a friend, and I mentioned this note. She was immediately offended on my behalf and basically suggested I tell him to shove his lawn-mower where the sun don't shine (which doesn't make sense, because if the sun didn't shine, then the grass wouldn't grow, and then you wouldn't need a lawnmower??? But I digress).
I was a little surprised at her reaction, and I reassured her that, no, I thought he was just being kind. I went back and re-read the note, though, and saw that, yes, one could - I guess - take offense to it.
And this is the problem that I am observing. Faced with a choice of whether or not to take offense, so often so many of us seem to be choosing the take offense option rather than step back and try to figure out what might be going on.
Even the best intentioned person says stupid things. Some of them are genuinely stupid, and that person should be taken out back and at least gently explained why what they said was inappropriate.
But if someone doesn't tell us, then how do we learn? Oh, yes. We learn by seeing outrageous reactions to what was meant to be harmless comments. An e-mail among co-workers, a note among neighbors, a twit (er, tweet, whatever you call it) among strangers, or a warm open invitation among friends.
We all have land mines. Things that even if Mother Teresa said them to us (well, maybe I should choose someone living, like my favorite, the Dalai Lama) we'd hear in the most negative light.
I love the Dalai Lama. I've been looking back at some of his recent works to try and find the right quote for this post.
This sorta fits:
If we can manage to refrain from harming others in our everyday actions and words, we can start to give more serious attention to actively doing good, and this can be a source of great joy and inner confidence. We can benefit others through our actions by being warm and generous toward them, by being charitable, and by helping those in need.
Refraining from harming others. Good idea. Benefiting them by being warm and generous towards them. Also good.
This other one is something I've had posted lately for myself to remember by reading and re-reading
The practice of patience protects us from losing our composure. In doing that it enables us to exercise discernment, even in the heat of difficult situations. It gives us inner space. And within that space we gain a degree of self-control, which allows us to respond to situations in an appropriate and compassionate manner rather than being driven by our anger and irritation.
And I do think it fits this post well - that if we manage to practice patience and protect ourselves from losing our composure, then we can think more appropriately about the situation and how to react.
In the last twenty four hours, two separate and unrelated "events" occurred with me that has brought this issue to a head for me, and inspired this post.
The first was inadvertently tripping over a trigger for a Twitter fan. The second was recognizing that I, now, have a new trigger of my own.
I was having friendly banter with someone new yesterday afternoon via Twitter. Saw a post she made about a place I used to live, and at lunch, I posted a comment in return. Read a few more of her twits, tweets, wha-t-ever - I'm not going to become a Twitter person at this rate!!! - and enjoyed some things she had to said, and made a few more comments in reply. She replied back to me and we started an enjoyable little banter online. Or so I thought.
At one point she asked a personal identifying question of me. The question was perfectly reasonable, and certainly understandable in the context of the banter thus far. Well.. this raised an issue I've been trying to figure out how to deal with, and wrote about in my post Clark Kent - what to tell who and where? So I gave a general answer rather than a specific one, and apparently tripped over a trigger with her. What happened next may be familiar to those of you who twit on a regular basis, but let's just sum it up by saying it spiraled out of control quickly with her getting more and more upset by my responses, and me being more and more confused, dumbfounded and hurt by hers.
What became clear from her responses is that she is someone who has been hurt a lot by others, and therefore doesn't trust anyone. I'm a stranger - I don't expect a very high level of trust. But I would also not expect - and did not expect - a high level of DIS-trust. Essentially, her argument boiled down to was that "all women lie, therefore, you must be lying." I was a bit bewildered by that because, frankly, I couldn't figure out what she thought I had to gain by lying to her about very basic things. Nor what she thought I wanted from her. These are questions I still have no answers to.
The only thing that was clear was that in the moment, I had irritated and angered her. She was unable to step back and think through the situation to think about it calmly. Let alone compassionately.
And within that space we gain a degree of self-control, which allows us to respond to situations in an appropriate and compassionate manner rather than being driven by our anger and irritation.
Instead, she immediately assumed the worst about me - a virtual stranger - that I was a lying, playing mind games and thinking it was cute.
In the meantime, I was off on my way to spend some time with a friend. She has a weekend get-away spot that she goes to most every weekend, and has told me repeatedly, that I'm welcome anytime. So, taking her up on that, I joined her this past weekend. Driving home, I felt as frustrated with that situation as I had driving up about the Twitter exchange. I took some time to analyze my feelings, and realized that while it is "sweet" to think that I am welcome anytime - an open invitation I receive from many people - I came to recognize in that moment that I never wanted that kind of "invitation" again.
I knew I was reacting strongly rather than responding in an appropriate and compassionate manner, and instead I was being driven by my anger and irritation. And I know, nonetheless, that the next time someone utters those words, "You're welcome anytime" that they're likely to get a reaction that doesn't belong to them. Much as I had received from my friendly twit not 24 hours earlier. The details and analysis of THAT situation I will save for another post.
But when I began this post, I was very much aware of the similarities. Perhaps it provided me a small measure of compassion for my friendly twit. It made me realize, though, the need to encourage people to take a moment and back the bus up (the original title) and think about a situation before immediately reacting to it. Did that co-worker mean what I thought she meant in that e-mail, or is there another explanation? What happens when I look at the situation from a more compassionate perspective than an immediately offended perspective? How can I avoid the spiral?
And I think the Dalai Lama got it right. When I first read that passage, I wondered "How does one practice patience?" I thought about those hotel.com commercials where the one co-worker / friend is trying to teach the other how to wait and not feel the need to book immediately to get the best deal. Watching the turtles race. Going to the DMV. And I didn't think that was the way, but I didn't know how - in real life - one "practices" patience.
Change begins with me. It is easy to get lost and caught in that space of impatience, frustration and irritation, and then pay it forward. But I know that whenever I do that, all that I do is increase the level of impatience, frustration and irritation in the world. That if I respond with generosity, if I respond with compassion, maybe, just maybe, that generosity might encourage generosity in others.
Next time someone pushes your buttons, or acts in a manner that you find offensive, step back - back the bus up! - and try to respond in a compassionate manner. Try and stop the spiral. Try to pay the generosity forward.
If you respond, "but yeah, all women are liars, why should I trust them?" or some similar knee-jerk reaction to behavior stop and ask what you have to lose by responding with kindness and generosity rather than irritation. (Ask, so what if I *am* a liar? How does that really hurt you? I am a stranger who lives several thousand miles away who you only interacted with for the first time in the past few hours.) Try and practice patience.
As the Dalai Lama said: We can benefit others through our actions by being warm and generous toward them, by being charitable, and by helping those in need.
Let me know how it goes, and feel free to write me about your experiences. Or rant. Whichever. The first will bring a smile to my face and the second will give me more opportunities to practice. ;)
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Absence makes the heart grow fonder?
Well, I can only hope as I have been absent these past few days.
Battling the dueling issues of having a life and having health issues, and trying to have a life while dealing with health issues.
At the moment, battling insomnia which makes it a perfect time to take a moment to write.
I will be honest with you. The health issues are not just physical, but also emotional. I have been fighting a mild depression and a sense of home-sickness.
Which is strange because I realize part of the problem is that I don't know where my "home" is.
Billy Joel had a wonderful song that is one of my favorites entitled "You're My Home". The chorus states: "Well, I never had a place that I could call my very own, but that's all right my love 'cause you're my home."
I have often felt that sense of "home" in others. That is where I have found my home. As I mentioned in the "Who am I" section, I have had a geographically diverse background. I've lived in lots of places. I have been very fortunate.
The second verse sings, "When you touch my weary head and you tell me everything will be all right. You say use my body for your bed and my love will keep you warm throughout the night."
That is what I am looking for. Someone who will tell me everything will be all right, and in whom I can rest. Someone to just touch my weary head and pull me in closer.
I had a glimpse of that recently and I lost it. It was never really mine to begin with, and that was part of the trouble.
Another friend had a glimpse of it recently and also lost it. It is AMAZING how we can give advice to others that we like to ignore for ourselves. I reassured this friend repeatedly that this special experience she had with this woman was not unique to this woman, and that she would experience it again with someone else. All the while refusing to believe it for myself.
And then she did. Have that special wonderful experience with someone else. Brat. How dare she go prove me right?
Another reason why I don't think I'd make a good priest. When I go to seek The Book for solace, it isn't The Bible. Nope, it's usually something by the Dalai Lama. And so I pulled out my copy of The Art of Happiness which I can't seem to book mark enough (I don't dog ear, but if I did, nearly all the pages would be dog eared, and then they'd lose their significance). If I highlighted, the whole book would be colored. But I only do that while in school. And even then, sparingly.
The thing that touched me this time when I picked up The Book - and I'll paraphrase this and likely butcher the intent - was the Dalai Lama boiling down life to one simple drive: that all we want as humans is love and affection, and that this is what drives us and underlies all our behavior.
I recently saw the 2008 Japanese movie Departures. It is about a young cellist who loses his job when the orchestra dissolves and becomes an encoffineer - the person who prepares bodies prior to being placed into coffins. The ritual is done with great care and affection in front of family members. And I was touched by this movie. In many ways. It exemplified for me this underlying desire that the Dalai Lama had touched on about us all seeking love and affection. This ritual expressed this in one simple graceful final act. It is a beautiful and touching movie that I highly recommend.
How strange it is for me to admit that I felt jealousy for the care those dead bodies received. How nice it would be to be treated in such a fashion while still alive. It reminded me, in case I had forgotten, that I am not meant to be a solitary creature. (I hadn't forgotten)
I have been homesick. And perhaps one day I will once again find someone new in whom I can find a home. In the meantime, if I were to follow my own advice, I will have to find it within myself, and spread throughout the affection I receive from others. However, in all likelihood, I will simply continue to miss the woman I felt was home.
Resistance is futile.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Battling the dueling issues of having a life and having health issues, and trying to have a life while dealing with health issues.
At the moment, battling insomnia which makes it a perfect time to take a moment to write.
I will be honest with you. The health issues are not just physical, but also emotional. I have been fighting a mild depression and a sense of home-sickness.
Which is strange because I realize part of the problem is that I don't know where my "home" is.
Billy Joel had a wonderful song that is one of my favorites entitled "You're My Home". The chorus states: "Well, I never had a place that I could call my very own, but that's all right my love 'cause you're my home."
I have often felt that sense of "home" in others. That is where I have found my home. As I mentioned in the "Who am I" section, I have had a geographically diverse background. I've lived in lots of places. I have been very fortunate.
The second verse sings, "When you touch my weary head and you tell me everything will be all right. You say use my body for your bed and my love will keep you warm throughout the night."
That is what I am looking for. Someone who will tell me everything will be all right, and in whom I can rest. Someone to just touch my weary head and pull me in closer.
I had a glimpse of that recently and I lost it. It was never really mine to begin with, and that was part of the trouble.
Another friend had a glimpse of it recently and also lost it. It is AMAZING how we can give advice to others that we like to ignore for ourselves. I reassured this friend repeatedly that this special experience she had with this woman was not unique to this woman, and that she would experience it again with someone else. All the while refusing to believe it for myself.
And then she did. Have that special wonderful experience with someone else. Brat. How dare she go prove me right?
Another reason why I don't think I'd make a good priest. When I go to seek The Book for solace, it isn't The Bible. Nope, it's usually something by the Dalai Lama. And so I pulled out my copy of The Art of Happiness which I can't seem to book mark enough (I don't dog ear, but if I did, nearly all the pages would be dog eared, and then they'd lose their significance). If I highlighted, the whole book would be colored. But I only do that while in school. And even then, sparingly.
The thing that touched me this time when I picked up The Book - and I'll paraphrase this and likely butcher the intent - was the Dalai Lama boiling down life to one simple drive: that all we want as humans is love and affection, and that this is what drives us and underlies all our behavior.
I recently saw the 2008 Japanese movie Departures. It is about a young cellist who loses his job when the orchestra dissolves and becomes an encoffineer - the person who prepares bodies prior to being placed into coffins. The ritual is done with great care and affection in front of family members. And I was touched by this movie. In many ways. It exemplified for me this underlying desire that the Dalai Lama had touched on about us all seeking love and affection. This ritual expressed this in one simple graceful final act. It is a beautiful and touching movie that I highly recommend.
How strange it is for me to admit that I felt jealousy for the care those dead bodies received. How nice it would be to be treated in such a fashion while still alive. It reminded me, in case I had forgotten, that I am not meant to be a solitary creature. (I hadn't forgotten)
I have been homesick. And perhaps one day I will once again find someone new in whom I can find a home. In the meantime, if I were to follow my own advice, I will have to find it within myself, and spread throughout the affection I receive from others. However, in all likelihood, I will simply continue to miss the woman I felt was home.
Resistance is futile.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Twitter Haters and the Dalai Lama
So, I go onto my newly created Twitter account to remind The Bloggess about her picture. I know she was busy last night watching the Oscars with her cat and taking their picture on the red carpet, but I feel confident that she will send me a picture collating paper and juggling twine shortly. But a little reminder couldn't hurt, right?
.JPG)
So, last night, I tried to find folks to follow, and as I've mentioned before, I *love* the Dalai Lama. LOVE him! And so I was pleased to see in my newsfeed (wait, that's a FB term, what is the appropriate Twit-term?)
I admit, his morning tweet wasn't rocket science. It wasn't one of his more uniquely profound statements, but WTF, to the first comment?
.JPG)
Wow! Um.. if anyone reading has this kind of a response to my blog, um, could you go somewhere else? I mean really? No-one told him to read the Dalai Lama, or if they did, go be angry at them, not at the Dalai Lama. And, um, he isn't telling you what to do, he's just stating a fact. Or some might consider it an opinion - I won't quibble that point. Clearly you need some comforting, and you clearly don't have peace within yourself. But he isn't telling you to seek comfort, nor to find peace within yourself.
Um, one more requirement of my readers. A mastery of the English language and basic sentence structure. Even if I don't always write in sentences... (There's that inconsistency thing rearing its ugly head. Luckily, there's a tag for that!)
.JPG)
I admit, his morning tweet wasn't rocket science. It wasn't one of his more uniquely profound statements, but WTF, to the first comment?
.JPG)
Um, one more requirement of my readers. A mastery of the English language and basic sentence structure. Even if I don't always write in sentences... (There's that inconsistency thing rearing its ugly head. Luckily, there's a tag for that!)
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
So, who am I?
Believe me, I have thought about saying, I am the Borg. I have assimilated and the purpose of this blog is to assimilate you.
But that isn't true.
Or is it?
As I made the epic decision to try to do another blog (this is not my first anonymous blog, but hopefully it will be the one I stick with and the one that goes viral), I made this list in my head of all the things about me I needed to tell you. And I dramatically decided at the end, I would end it with "I am you." But I'm not.
Or I hope I'm not.
It's fun to find like-minded folks, and I hope to attract a lot of like-minded folks. But I doubt that there is someone who is as unique as me and who likes EVERYTHING that I do. I could be wrong.
I'm probably wrong.
But the reality is if you become a fan of this blog you will like a portion of the things I like and not necessarily all. My challenge will be to still keep you interested even when I'm talking about a subject you really don't care about.
So who am I?
Okay. Before I give you the list, I'll have to admit a bit of my neuroses. First, I wrote a list that I will qualify and say is not comprehensive. Then, afraid that the order in which I wrote things might suggest a priority in how I identify myself, I took the list that I had written as a stream of consciousness and then used an Excel formula for random numbers to order the list. #3 on the list is Geek.
Some of this list may make sense to no-one but me. But each one is worthy of its own post. If you want to know more, find the post.
1. I have a geographically diverse background
2. I live under a rock.
3. I am a geek.
4. I am currently single.
5. Zen is Borg and I love the Dalai Lama
6. I like country music.
7. I am a mystery / legal thriller fan.
8. I watch way too much television.
9. I love deeply.
10. I am active in my church.
11. I have a diverse working background.
12. I am a soccer coach.
13. I am a wee bit narsissitic - at least to the extent you need to be to write a blog.
14. I live alone.
15. I am a dyke.
16. I live in a small town.
17. I live in a poor part of town.
18. I watch a lot of Hulu.
19. I am an iPhone, Facebook and PC user, but I have owned a Mac, too.
20. I love the Superbowl for the commercials.
21. I have/am ADD.
22. I enjoy Texts From Last Night, Idiot Runner, The Bloggess, FlyLady, George Takei and advice columnists.
23. I love to line dance.
24. I am neither politically correct or incorrect. I just am. I do not belong to a political party, either. I am registered as an independent.
This is by no means comprehensive, but gives you a brief introduction. Interested? Read on. Tell your friends. Leave me comments. Adore me. Assimillate.
Resistance is futile.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
But that isn't true.
Or is it?
As I made the epic decision to try to do another blog (this is not my first anonymous blog, but hopefully it will be the one I stick with and the one that goes viral), I made this list in my head of all the things about me I needed to tell you. And I dramatically decided at the end, I would end it with "I am you." But I'm not.
Or I hope I'm not.
It's fun to find like-minded folks, and I hope to attract a lot of like-minded folks. But I doubt that there is someone who is as unique as me and who likes EVERYTHING that I do. I could be wrong.
I'm probably wrong.
But the reality is if you become a fan of this blog you will like a portion of the things I like and not necessarily all. My challenge will be to still keep you interested even when I'm talking about a subject you really don't care about.
So who am I?
Okay. Before I give you the list, I'll have to admit a bit of my neuroses. First, I wrote a list that I will qualify and say is not comprehensive. Then, afraid that the order in which I wrote things might suggest a priority in how I identify myself, I took the list that I had written as a stream of consciousness and then used an Excel formula for random numbers to order the list. #3 on the list is Geek.
Some of this list may make sense to no-one but me. But each one is worthy of its own post. If you want to know more, find the post.
1. I have a geographically diverse background
2. I live under a rock.
3. I am a geek.
4. I am currently single.
5. Zen is Borg and I love the Dalai Lama
6. I like country music.
7. I am a mystery / legal thriller fan.
8. I watch way too much television.
9. I love deeply.
10. I am active in my church.
11. I have a diverse working background.
12. I am a soccer coach.
13. I am a wee bit narsissitic - at least to the extent you need to be to write a blog.
14. I live alone.
15. I am a dyke.
16. I live in a small town.
17. I live in a poor part of town.
18. I watch a lot of Hulu.
19. I am an iPhone, Facebook and PC user, but I have owned a Mac, too.
20. I love the Superbowl for the commercials.
21. I have/am ADD.
22. I enjoy Texts From Last Night, Idiot Runner, The Bloggess, FlyLady, George Takei and advice columnists.
23. I love to line dance.
24. I am neither politically correct or incorrect. I just am. I do not belong to a political party, either. I am registered as an independent.
This is by no means comprehensive, but gives you a brief introduction. Interested? Read on. Tell your friends. Leave me comments. Adore me. Assimillate.
Resistance is futile.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
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