Well, I can only hope as I have been absent these past few days.
Battling the dueling issues of having a life and having health issues, and trying to have a life while dealing with health issues.
At the moment, battling insomnia which makes it a perfect time to take a moment to write.
I will be honest with you. The health issues are not just physical, but also emotional. I have been fighting a mild depression and a sense of home-sickness.
Which is strange because I realize part of the problem is that I don't know where my "home" is.
Billy Joel had a wonderful song that is one of my favorites entitled "You're My Home". The chorus states: "Well, I never had a place that I could call my very own, but that's all right my love 'cause you're my home."
I have often felt that sense of "home" in others. That is where I have found my home. As I mentioned in the "Who am I" section, I have had a geographically diverse background. I've lived in lots of places. I have been very fortunate.
The second verse sings, "When you touch my weary head and you tell me everything will be all right. You say use my body for your bed and my love will keep you warm throughout the night."
That is what I am looking for. Someone who will tell me everything will be all right, and in whom I can rest. Someone to just touch my weary head and pull me in closer.
I had a glimpse of that recently and I lost it. It was never really mine to begin with, and that was part of the trouble.
Another friend had a glimpse of it recently and also lost it. It is AMAZING how we can give advice to others that we like to ignore for ourselves. I reassured this friend repeatedly that this special experience she had with this woman was not unique to this woman, and that she would experience it again with someone else. All the while refusing to believe it for myself.
And then she did. Have that special wonderful experience with someone else. Brat. How dare she go prove me right?
Another reason why I don't think I'd make a good priest. When I go to seek The Book for solace, it isn't The Bible. Nope, it's usually something by the Dalai Lama. And so I pulled out my copy of The Art of Happiness which I can't seem to book mark enough (I don't dog ear, but if I did, nearly all the pages would be dog eared, and then they'd lose their significance). If I highlighted, the whole book would be colored. But I only do that while in school. And even then, sparingly.
The thing that touched me this time when I picked up The Book - and I'll paraphrase this and likely butcher the intent - was the Dalai Lama boiling down life to one simple drive: that all we want as humans is love and affection, and that this is what drives us and underlies all our behavior.
I recently saw the 2008 Japanese movie Departures. It is about a young cellist who loses his job when the orchestra dissolves and becomes an encoffineer - the person who prepares bodies prior to being placed into coffins. The ritual is done with great care and affection in front of family members. And I was touched by this movie. In many ways. It exemplified for me this underlying desire that the Dalai Lama had touched on about us all seeking love and affection. This ritual expressed this in one simple graceful final act. It is a beautiful and touching movie that I highly recommend.
How strange it is for me to admit that I felt jealousy for the care those dead bodies received. How nice it would be to be treated in such a fashion while still alive. It reminded me, in case I had forgotten, that I am not meant to be a solitary creature. (I hadn't forgotten)
I have been homesick. And perhaps one day I will once again find someone new in whom I can find a home. In the meantime, if I were to follow my own advice, I will have to find it within myself, and spread throughout the affection I receive from others. However, in all likelihood, I will simply continue to miss the woman I felt was home.
Resistance is futile.
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