See.. the Borg for some reason, rarely, if ever, takes a lunch break. It is allowed - encouraged I'm sure - by the company, but I never seem to take one.
By the time I think about taking one, it's almost 3 PM, and it seems silly when the end of the day is so close.
But today. At 1 PM, I walked away from my cube, took my personal laptop, started my timer for 30 minutes, and then started this.
There are a lot of reasons I don't go out for lunch. The biggest one is probably that I'm an idiot.
The other reasons primarily stem from my ADD. I'm usually too hyper focused on what I'm doing to break away. My ADD drugs suppress my appetite (sometimes, not always, though), so I'm often not very hungry until.. let's say... 3 PM.
But the other reason has to do with laziness. We're situated in an industrial park that has some heavy traffic to get to places to get food. The company - in theory - sets 30 minutes for the lunch break. I'm not an hourly employee anymore, so that applies less to me, but, it's difficult to leave the office, get in your car, go get lunch and pick it up, and be back in the office with more than five minutes remaining to eat. We also don't have much of a lunch room, frankly. I've escaped to a secret room today.
At some level these are all excuses. I often feel like five more minutes on x, y or z will get me that much closer to the place of peace and harmony where I'm actually caught up at work. HA!
But I want to work harder at trying to find balance. Trying to have interests and occupations outside of work. It's hard, though, after work because I come home exhausted. So it's hard to then pull out the shiny new MacBook Air and pound out a blog post - or even an e-mail to a family member or friend. I'm exhausted and all I want to do is veg. And eat. And spend time with my wife.
The problem with that scenario / equation, is that I am out of balance. I don't seem to take time for me.
I could get up earlier in the morning, and carve out some time for myself - and I do that on occasion. But it is really hard to leave my comfy bed and my snuggly wife to get up and do what? Exercise.. well.. that does sound like it might be important.. but unstructured time for just myself? I want to get up early for that?
All work and no play makes Borg a dull blogger. Ha. All work and no play makes Borg not a blogger at all.
Hence this sprint for a thirty minute break and a quick pointed rambling blog post to grease the writing wheels again. Rambling, after all, is my style. My art form.
Are you good about taking the breaks that are offered to you? About finding balance in your life? Enquiring Borgs want to know.
(oh, and P.S. could someone send an ambulance to my wife who will get notification when this posts and be shocked that her wife is blogging (again - although possibly only this once?). She may experience cardiac arrest... )
(hitting "post" with a few minutes to spare to munch on a few nuts - wait, that sounds wrong)
Showing posts with label ADD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ADD. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
Monday, January 21, 2013
Love...
In my head, and in my heart, I suppose, I have certain things that I expect to be done or felt between people who love each other. That if A loved B then X wouldn't really matter but Y would. Now, wait, I sound like I am writing an algebra equation.
I have been quite the observer - particularly over the last three or four years - of people's relationships. Trying to figure out what makes them successful, and where there are signs of failure. Trying, I presume, consciously or subconsciously, to figure it out so I have a better shot the next time I jump into the relationship waters. Trying to figure out what behavior is loving and what is not loving.
And I think I have a pretty good idea of some of the important ingredients necessary for a successful and loving relationship. Some things are pretty straightforward. Things like valuing what your partner values. Being respectful even when you disagree. Realizing that being right doesn't always mean you need to win, and that winning often - at least with arguments - isn't really winning. Lots of good trite guidance, but stuff that nonetheless I believe in. And maybe one day I will write a post about these things. (Or maybe I already did?)
After my marriage came to an end, I was told by more than one person that I needed to find someone who would love me like I loved them. Seems reasonable enough, but what does that really mean? I think it means some of the things I discovered in my observance above. That someone who really loves me will find the things I find important simply because I do. And won't worry about the things I find unimportant. Who will love me for me, and not for my things, or for what I can do or bring to the relationship. Who will love me despite my ADD or maybe even love me for who my ADD has made me - flaws and human and all.
If you have been reading this at all, you'll know that I have dipped my toe into the relationship waters, again. Actually, I seem to have dove in head first. Or more accurately heart first. I tend to do that sometimes. I did bring wee bit of baggage. Criticisms from girls past. Things that I know shouldn't matter but often do or have.
And so, in these early stages, we have traipsed along some of these issues and as I have left myself vulnerable to her and exposed my insecurities, she reacts as I would to someone who would do the same to me. Laugh, basically, and call me silly. Silly to worry. Silly to care. Silly to think that she would care. But not silly in an emotionally abusive intentionally hurtful way, but in a way to help me realize that these matters I take so seriously, and worry so much about, are not so serious, and do not deserve worry. She reassures me in the moment. And then, later, as she's had more time to think on my concern, and perhaps in an unconscious (or conscious? who knows? She's very smart - much smarter than me!) effort to make sure I didn't feel dismissed, she usually will write a follow-up e-mail saying, "Look, Borg, I've really been thinking about Y and how you feel, and I want you to know, I really do believe..." and reassure me again. AND THEN, because that may not be enough, she'll bring it up later in a conversation, gently, and reassure me once again. And IF I am too silly to realize I don't need to be silly, still, and I tentatively express a concern or a worry, she hears my underlying insecurity and addresses it again.
WOW! I mean really.. WOW, right?
I'll give you an example. My most recent insecurity has been coming to accept and acknowledge (although really I'm still in denial) that I am a slob. I am still in denial because I will tell you I am better than many. It is all relative, after all. But I am not the standard that *I* would like to be at, and I do feel, often, that my environment is chaotic. I would prefer to be neater, but there are some bonafide and perhaps less bonafide obstacles standing in my way. (Being Human, see earlier post, is one of them.. SHOCKER!). I do pride myself that I don't have anything growing outside the fridge, but I do also have dust bunnies copulating in the kitchen and the bedroom. They entertain me.... (okay, not, but it sounded cute for a moment in my head).
I worry, needlessly, that she'll step into my home for the first time, see the stacks of papers and go screaming in the other direction. And yet, in addition to her reassurances, I know I don't have to worry. She's the kinda gal who gets upset at people who tweet how much better they feel about themselves after watching Hoarders and pleading for them to have compassion for the mentally ill (although I think she phrases it even nicer than that..) So, it's good to know she'll have compassion for me and my mental illness.. No.. wait.. that isn't where I meant to go. Hmm....
She's coming to visit me soon, and I created a 72 point list of things I'd *like* to do before she gets here to get the house in order (Remember #3 in the list of So Who Am I? is that I'm a geek). But God has a sense of humor, and life, unfortunately, has gotten in the way. Actually, more accurately, death - a parishioner in our church passed away Saturday morning, and I sat with him and with his family the last two days of his life, and will now be with the family in preparing for the funeral arrangements, and prepare at the church for the service itself. As much as I would like to get to those 72 items (or at least, even, 25 of them) the reality is I probably won't get to more than another two or three that are really important and the rest will go by the wayside.. Or, in a fit of idiocy, I'll take everything in the rest of the house and shove it all into one room where I will never let her see... Oh. Wait. She reads this blog... that won't work.. she'll be too curious to open the door NOW!
And she's said to me, quite often, "Look, Borg, the only place I want to be when I come is in your arms. I don't care about the rest...." You know something? I actually believe her.
Now that, my friends, is love...
I have been quite the observer - particularly over the last three or four years - of people's relationships. Trying to figure out what makes them successful, and where there are signs of failure. Trying, I presume, consciously or subconsciously, to figure it out so I have a better shot the next time I jump into the relationship waters. Trying to figure out what behavior is loving and what is not loving.
And I think I have a pretty good idea of some of the important ingredients necessary for a successful and loving relationship. Some things are pretty straightforward. Things like valuing what your partner values. Being respectful even when you disagree. Realizing that being right doesn't always mean you need to win, and that winning often - at least with arguments - isn't really winning. Lots of good trite guidance, but stuff that nonetheless I believe in. And maybe one day I will write a post about these things. (Or maybe I already did?)
After my marriage came to an end, I was told by more than one person that I needed to find someone who would love me like I loved them. Seems reasonable enough, but what does that really mean? I think it means some of the things I discovered in my observance above. That someone who really loves me will find the things I find important simply because I do. And won't worry about the things I find unimportant. Who will love me for me, and not for my things, or for what I can do or bring to the relationship. Who will love me despite my ADD or maybe even love me for who my ADD has made me - flaws and human and all.
If you have been reading this at all, you'll know that I have dipped my toe into the relationship waters, again. Actually, I seem to have dove in head first. Or more accurately heart first. I tend to do that sometimes. I did bring wee bit of baggage. Criticisms from girls past. Things that I know shouldn't matter but often do or have.
And so, in these early stages, we have traipsed along some of these issues and as I have left myself vulnerable to her and exposed my insecurities, she reacts as I would to someone who would do the same to me. Laugh, basically, and call me silly. Silly to worry. Silly to care. Silly to think that she would care. But not silly in an emotionally abusive intentionally hurtful way, but in a way to help me realize that these matters I take so seriously, and worry so much about, are not so serious, and do not deserve worry. She reassures me in the moment. And then, later, as she's had more time to think on my concern, and perhaps in an unconscious (or conscious? who knows? She's very smart - much smarter than me!) effort to make sure I didn't feel dismissed, she usually will write a follow-up e-mail saying, "Look, Borg, I've really been thinking about Y and how you feel, and I want you to know, I really do believe..." and reassure me again. AND THEN, because that may not be enough, she'll bring it up later in a conversation, gently, and reassure me once again. And IF I am too silly to realize I don't need to be silly, still, and I tentatively express a concern or a worry, she hears my underlying insecurity and addresses it again.
WOW! I mean really.. WOW, right?
I'll give you an example. My most recent insecurity has been coming to accept and acknowledge (although really I'm still in denial) that I am a slob. I am still in denial because I will tell you I am better than many. It is all relative, after all. But I am not the standard that *I* would like to be at, and I do feel, often, that my environment is chaotic. I would prefer to be neater, but there are some bonafide and perhaps less bonafide obstacles standing in my way. (Being Human, see earlier post, is one of them.. SHOCKER!). I do pride myself that I don't have anything growing outside the fridge, but I do also have dust bunnies copulating in the kitchen and the bedroom. They entertain me.... (okay, not, but it sounded cute for a moment in my head).
I worry, needlessly, that she'll step into my home for the first time, see the stacks of papers and go screaming in the other direction. And yet, in addition to her reassurances, I know I don't have to worry. She's the kinda gal who gets upset at people who tweet how much better they feel about themselves after watching Hoarders and pleading for them to have compassion for the mentally ill (although I think she phrases it even nicer than that..) So, it's good to know she'll have compassion for me and my mental illness.. No.. wait.. that isn't where I meant to go. Hmm....
She's coming to visit me soon, and I created a 72 point list of things I'd *like* to do before she gets here to get the house in order (Remember #3 in the list of So Who Am I? is that I'm a geek). But God has a sense of humor, and life, unfortunately, has gotten in the way. Actually, more accurately, death - a parishioner in our church passed away Saturday morning, and I sat with him and with his family the last two days of his life, and will now be with the family in preparing for the funeral arrangements, and prepare at the church for the service itself. As much as I would like to get to those 72 items (or at least, even, 25 of them) the reality is I probably won't get to more than another two or three that are really important and the rest will go by the wayside.. Or, in a fit of idiocy, I'll take everything in the rest of the house and shove it all into one room where I will never let her see... Oh. Wait. She reads this blog... that won't work.. she'll be too curious to open the door NOW!
And she's said to me, quite often, "Look, Borg, the only place I want to be when I come is in your arms. I don't care about the rest...." You know something? I actually believe her.
Now that, my friends, is love...
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Being Human...
And no, this isn't a post about a werewolf, a vampire and a ghost... (has anyone else seen those commercials?)
This a shower post being written a good six hours after the shower, so we'll see how much of the brilliance I managed to retain. And yes, Ken, I did write myself a brief e-mail..
The other night I was whining to my girlfriend about shall we call my failings or my limitations and my frustration with my ADD and my frustration with blaming it all on my ADD and not really being able to understand or differentiate what belongs to that issue and what doesn't. And on, and on...
(God bless her for listening)
And when I was done, she said to me simply, "Babe... those things about yourself that you blame on ADD, the rest of us for ourselves blame on being human..." I.e., welcome to the human race, you're normal.
And it is funny, because I am more than able to acknowledge I am human in other circumstances - mostly that I'll make mistakes and I will misunderstand, and I forget a lot of stuff. But for some reason, in other areas, I hold myself to a higher standard.
It reminded me, too, of another e-mail exchange with another friend a little over three years ago, where I was expressing some of my fears - particularly surrounding my temper. I was kind of scared to be admitting my concerns and my issues, and feeling really vulnerable, and really afraid that expressing it to another person would make them suddenly realize what a horrible person I really am. And I probably had been holding my breath from the moment I sent it until the moment I got her response.
And it was a really simple response: 'OMG! Borg, you're human!" (Yeah, well, we both know she didn't use the word "Borg", but Rose by any other name.. blah, blah, blah...)
I remember how relieved I felt when she said that. Recognizing that I wasn't alone, and that feeling the way I did, did not mean I was a horrible person. I was just a person.
I clearly know I am human. It is one of those tags on the side. And frequently, when I see others beating themselves up, I am quick to remind them of that universal fact. And yet, sometimes, I find it harder to accept for myself. I'm sure some Freudians, or Jungians or some other psychobabble following could come up with some reason why I hold myself to a higher standard. I'm sure it is because my mother didn't breast feed me, or maybe because she DID breast feed me. Because my father was cold and distant. Or my father was too involved.
But I am amused because I think the very ironic reason that I hold myself to a higher standard than perhaps I might hold others and therefore find it hard, sometimes, to simply accept that I am human is because.... well... Go figure! I'm human.
This a shower post being written a good six hours after the shower, so we'll see how much of the brilliance I managed to retain. And yes, Ken, I did write myself a brief e-mail..
The other night I was whining to my girlfriend about shall we call my failings or my limitations and my frustration with my ADD and my frustration with blaming it all on my ADD and not really being able to understand or differentiate what belongs to that issue and what doesn't. And on, and on...
(God bless her for listening)
And when I was done, she said to me simply, "Babe... those things about yourself that you blame on ADD, the rest of us for ourselves blame on being human..." I.e., welcome to the human race, you're normal.
And it is funny, because I am more than able to acknowledge I am human in other circumstances - mostly that I'll make mistakes and I will misunderstand, and I forget a lot of stuff. But for some reason, in other areas, I hold myself to a higher standard.
It reminded me, too, of another e-mail exchange with another friend a little over three years ago, where I was expressing some of my fears - particularly surrounding my temper. I was kind of scared to be admitting my concerns and my issues, and feeling really vulnerable, and really afraid that expressing it to another person would make them suddenly realize what a horrible person I really am. And I probably had been holding my breath from the moment I sent it until the moment I got her response.
And it was a really simple response: 'OMG! Borg, you're human!" (Yeah, well, we both know she didn't use the word "Borg", but Rose by any other name.. blah, blah, blah...)
I remember how relieved I felt when she said that. Recognizing that I wasn't alone, and that feeling the way I did, did not mean I was a horrible person. I was just a person.
I clearly know I am human. It is one of those tags on the side. And frequently, when I see others beating themselves up, I am quick to remind them of that universal fact. And yet, sometimes, I find it harder to accept for myself. I'm sure some Freudians, or Jungians or some other psychobabble following could come up with some reason why I hold myself to a higher standard. I'm sure it is because my mother didn't breast feed me, or maybe because she DID breast feed me. Because my father was cold and distant. Or my father was too involved.
But I am amused because I think the very ironic reason that I hold myself to a higher standard than perhaps I might hold others and therefore find it hard, sometimes, to simply accept that I am human is because.... well... Go figure! I'm human.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Darwin...
Every once in awhile I listen to what "they" say, but I do so with a grain of salt. Because it makes "they" taste better. No, wait, that's not it...
There are a lot of theories out there about what makes people healthy and happy and prosperous and successful and whatever other good and positive adjective you might come up with.
But really, that's often all that they are - theories. Hypotheses to be tested.
As I have entered into a new relationship - ready or not - I contemplate a lot about what "they" say, and whether, actually, I am ready or not, and if it makes a difference.
Because I'll tell you something. My lady-friend (I actually hate that term, but for some reason, it seems to fit literally (as in style, not actually) in this next sentence...) My lady friend would tell you it doesn't make a difference because we belong together, and that is just that. And I'd agree with her.
So, it doesn't make a difference.
BUT... that doesn't mean it isn't fun to ponder, does it? (And yes, my lady friend might chirp in here that I need to be careful not to borrow trouble.. even if I intend to give it back)
So these "theories"...
Things like being able to be self-sustaining. About it being wrong to "need" someone else. About being a perfectly healthy complete individual before EVER contemplating a relationship.
Yeah, that kinda of bull-hockey (to quote Colonel Potter).
My lady-friend has actually read a considerable amount of my blog, including some of my particularly vulnerable posts. So, she has a pretty good idea of what she's getting into here with me. She's seen some of the baggage that I carry and that I've spent a good deal of this past year and the past three and a half years trying to unload. She knows that my ADD can cripple me at times. She knows that in some objective (ha) standard that I am not "perfect", and yet, she believes that I am perfect for her.
So what do I care what "they" say?
Frankly, for the most part, I don't.
I was thinking, though, while eating my fried eggs for "breakfast" (at 3:30ish PM) about Darwin. And I think one of the reasons that our species has managed to survive, frankly, is that we DO work together. That we are not simply out there as lone wolves trying to do everything ourselves. That the division of labor - whether it was sexist or not - was so that we could do what we needed TOGETHER to thrive and move forward. That it's a lot for each of us to go out, kill the meal, gather the fruits and grains, prepare the meal AND clean up afterwards. That it is easier for us to thrive and to have time to do more than just survive if we do it together.
Because if you'll recall from my past posts, one of my goals this past year is to move beyond just surviving, and move into thriving. And I just don't think it's easy for us to do that alone. Perhaps it is possible. But that's a lot of work for a single person to do all by themselves.
So, even if you don't believe in all the religious crap that God intended us to be in pairs, and such, even just the basic theory of survival suggests, nay, seems to require, that we work together. That we be together.
So, .. if I were to listen, closely, to what "they" say, it seems quite clear that "they" say we should be together. Because it is much easier to do this together, than to do this alone. And I feel blessed to have found someone who wants to do this with me.
Happy New Year, folks! May 2013 be full of blessings and happiness! Let's work together. After all, we are a collective. Resistance is futile. ;) If you've learned nothing this year, as loyal readers, you should have learned that.. ;)
There are a lot of theories out there about what makes people healthy and happy and prosperous and successful and whatever other good and positive adjective you might come up with.
But really, that's often all that they are - theories. Hypotheses to be tested.
As I have entered into a new relationship - ready or not - I contemplate a lot about what "they" say, and whether, actually, I am ready or not, and if it makes a difference.
Because I'll tell you something. My lady-friend (I actually hate that term, but for some reason, it seems to fit literally (as in style, not actually) in this next sentence...) My lady friend would tell you it doesn't make a difference because we belong together, and that is just that. And I'd agree with her.
So, it doesn't make a difference.
BUT... that doesn't mean it isn't fun to ponder, does it? (And yes, my lady friend might chirp in here that I need to be careful not to borrow trouble.. even if I intend to give it back)
So these "theories"...
Things like being able to be self-sustaining. About it being wrong to "need" someone else. About being a perfectly healthy complete individual before EVER contemplating a relationship.
Yeah, that kinda of bull-hockey (to quote Colonel Potter).
My lady-friend has actually read a considerable amount of my blog, including some of my particularly vulnerable posts. So, she has a pretty good idea of what she's getting into here with me. She's seen some of the baggage that I carry and that I've spent a good deal of this past year and the past three and a half years trying to unload. She knows that my ADD can cripple me at times. She knows that in some objective (ha) standard that I am not "perfect", and yet, she believes that I am perfect for her.
So what do I care what "they" say?
Frankly, for the most part, I don't.
I was thinking, though, while eating my fried eggs for "breakfast" (at 3:30ish PM) about Darwin. And I think one of the reasons that our species has managed to survive, frankly, is that we DO work together. That we are not simply out there as lone wolves trying to do everything ourselves. That the division of labor - whether it was sexist or not - was so that we could do what we needed TOGETHER to thrive and move forward. That it's a lot for each of us to go out, kill the meal, gather the fruits and grains, prepare the meal AND clean up afterwards. That it is easier for us to thrive and to have time to do more than just survive if we do it together.
Because if you'll recall from my past posts, one of my goals this past year is to move beyond just surviving, and move into thriving. And I just don't think it's easy for us to do that alone. Perhaps it is possible. But that's a lot of work for a single person to do all by themselves.
So, even if you don't believe in all the religious crap that God intended us to be in pairs, and such, even just the basic theory of survival suggests, nay, seems to require, that we work together. That we be together.
So, .. if I were to listen, closely, to what "they" say, it seems quite clear that "they" say we should be together. Because it is much easier to do this together, than to do this alone. And I feel blessed to have found someone who wants to do this with me.
Happy New Year, folks! May 2013 be full of blessings and happiness! Let's work together. After all, we are a collective. Resistance is futile. ;) If you've learned nothing this year, as loyal readers, you should have learned that.. ;)
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Good enough...
Okay, so an hour ago I found out I have 48 hours until my "handoff" meeting.
That seemed do-able. Still does - don't know why I wrote in the past tense!
Put together a macro-punch list of what still needs to be done, and put together a schedule totry and get it done. (Yoda on my shoulder (he's heavy, by the way) : NO! Try not! Do or do not! There is no try!)
Andtry and be reasonable and realistic and plan in breaks and other life events. I cannot - and will not - spend the next forty-eight hours on this project. (Forty-six now...)
I realize my biggest issue with this project is letting go, and recognizing when it is "good enough".
"Good enough" is a really hard concept to accept. There's always a tweak that can make it better. Letting go, though, and recognizing that something or someone or some event or some whatever is good enough is really tough. I want to be able to say I did my best, but "good enough" is rarely one's best. So, I qualify and instead will say, "I did the best I could given the... " whatever comes next refers to limitations. And even that, sometimes, is not true. But I have to believe it, and I have to let go.
It is hard for me to realize, and easier for others to see for me, that sometimes my "good enough" is still much better than many people's "best"s and that is even more reason why I should be able to accept "good enough".
You can see that I am still trying to convince myself.
But this is an ongoing struggle on a much larger level. It is a circular fight. At some level, we have to give ourselves permission to be human, and to not be perfect, and to accept that we do, generally, do the best that we can given the circumstances. We do this in parenting, we do this in our relationships with others, we do this at work, we do this in keeping commitments. But sometimes we give ourselves too much permission to not bring our best to the table. To not give our best. To instead spread ourselves so thin, to create circumstances, where we have to accept "good enough".
It is a double-edged sword "good enough".
I brought in Yoda above partly as a joke, but I think his comment addresses a broader issue. Sometimes we need to just do. There is no trying. And sometimes, we need to change the circumstances that prevent us from doing. In wanting to get the correct exact line, I googled it, and re-watched 44 seconds of the scene from which it comes. In the scene from Empire Strikes Back where Yoda is instructing the young Jedi that he is what prevents himself from raising the X-wing fighter that has sunk into the morass,
"So certain are you? *sigh* Always with you what cannot be done. Do you nothing that I say?" Luke tells him that moving stones around is one thing, that this huge thing is totally different.
Yoda says, "No. No different. Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned."
And that's when Luke says he'll give it a try.
What often keeps us from getting things done is ourselves. Whether it is accepting actually good work as "good enough" or believing that the circumstances around us really prevent us from doing something the way we think it should or could be done.
This is a rambling post, with some real potential in it for great thoughts. But the current circumstance is that the time I allotted for a break is over. So this will have to be "good enough" to provoke some thought from you and from me about how we approach getting done what we need to get done. And how we let go of the things we have done.
It's one big circle, and I am already dizzy thinking about it... ;)
P.S. Hit 5,000 hits last night. Thanks all! Keep reading!
That seemed do-able. Still does - don't know why I wrote in the past tense!
Put together a macro-punch list of what still needs to be done, and put together a schedule to
And
I realize my biggest issue with this project is letting go, and recognizing when it is "good enough".
"Good enough" is a really hard concept to accept. There's always a tweak that can make it better. Letting go, though, and recognizing that something or someone or some event or some whatever is good enough is really tough. I want to be able to say I did my best, but "good enough" is rarely one's best. So, I qualify and instead will say, "I did the best I could given the... " whatever comes next refers to limitations. And even that, sometimes, is not true. But I have to believe it, and I have to let go.
It is hard for me to realize, and easier for others to see for me, that sometimes my "good enough" is still much better than many people's "best"s and that is even more reason why I should be able to accept "good enough".
You can see that I am still trying to convince myself.
But this is an ongoing struggle on a much larger level. It is a circular fight. At some level, we have to give ourselves permission to be human, and to not be perfect, and to accept that we do, generally, do the best that we can given the circumstances. We do this in parenting, we do this in our relationships with others, we do this at work, we do this in keeping commitments. But sometimes we give ourselves too much permission to not bring our best to the table. To not give our best. To instead spread ourselves so thin, to create circumstances, where we have to accept "good enough".
It is a double-edged sword "good enough".
I brought in Yoda above partly as a joke, but I think his comment addresses a broader issue. Sometimes we need to just do. There is no trying. And sometimes, we need to change the circumstances that prevent us from doing. In wanting to get the correct exact line, I googled it, and re-watched 44 seconds of the scene from which it comes. In the scene from Empire Strikes Back where Yoda is instructing the young Jedi that he is what prevents himself from raising the X-wing fighter that has sunk into the morass,
"So certain are you? *sigh* Always with you what cannot be done. Do you nothing that I say?" Luke tells him that moving stones around is one thing, that this huge thing is totally different.
Yoda says, "No. No different. Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned."
And that's when Luke says he'll give it a try.
What often keeps us from getting things done is ourselves. Whether it is accepting actually good work as "good enough" or believing that the circumstances around us really prevent us from doing something the way we think it should or could be done.
This is a rambling post, with some real potential in it for great thoughts. But the current circumstance is that the time I allotted for a break is over. So this will have to be "good enough" to provoke some thought from you and from me about how we approach getting done what we need to get done. And how we let go of the things we have done.
It's one big circle, and I am already dizzy thinking about it... ;)
P.S. Hit 5,000 hits last night. Thanks all! Keep reading!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
A Plan?
A friend of mine asked me yesterday if I had a "plan" set for what I am going to do with myself after the contract ends. A plan? I facetiously asked...? What? Doesn't she read this blog religiously? I'm going to make sure my sink is clean before I go to bed at night. Other than that, what kind of plan do I need?
Later, by Twitter, I mentioned how I felt like I was sitting around waiting for something great to happen. And she chimed in how I shouldn't wait, I needed to out there and make it happen. To which I gave a harvesting analogy and insisted I had planted seeds. She believed me.
And I have... Don't get me wrong.
But she is poking atthe bear issues I have concerns about myself. Gently - or perhaps not so gently - making sure I won't devolve into a glob of blubber when the contract ends. I think she's afraid I will sit at home all day in my bed watching re-runs of Love Boat that I recently discovered on You Tube (that song is IMPOSSIBLE to get out of your head, so I don't recommend it... But, oh, that Doc, he is so funny (NOT!)). And her fears aren't entirely unjustified. Although I'll probably also catch up on some of the bloggers I'm friends with on Twitter and now here. And maybe find creative ways to enhance and improve my blog. And maybe I'll start a doll head collection. Okay, NOT to the last one.
And I won't be starting a Vision Board or likely a Pinterest account either, although I'm a little wary to say the last one because that pretty much is what I said about Twitter all this time, and we see what happened THERE!
But she's right. I know she's right. (Is there a way to block one single person from reading a single post? I mean I don't need her to spend the rest of today, this week, lording it over me that I said that she was right, do I? No... I mean, she'd favorite the shit out of this post, and return to it every day just to see that I said she was right... Wait... that might help my statistics, though.... If you found this post from the right hand side, well.... you'll know that I already regret it! Kidding!)
I do need a plan to make sure I don't just burrow deeply into my bed and never emerge except for soccer and to get the church bulletin done. Particularly because there's only another month to soccer, so that won't last too long.
Do I have one? No. Not entirely. Not much at all. Except a recognition that I want there to be some structure to my days. Something in particular I accomplish each day. Incremental work on other things. I don't want to simply burrow into my bed (although it is nice and comfortable) and get lost. That's the start of a plan, right?
In the meantime, though, it's early-ish in the morning and I need to hit the shower and get this project done first. Right now, THAT's my plan. Once that's done, I can concentrate on the other. For now, that's my plan. Okay? Okay.
Later, by Twitter, I mentioned how I felt like I was sitting around waiting for something great to happen. And she chimed in how I shouldn't wait, I needed to out there and make it happen. To which I gave a harvesting analogy and insisted I had planted seeds. She believed me.
And I have... Don't get me wrong.
But she is poking at
And I won't be starting a Vision Board or likely a Pinterest account either, although I'm a little wary to say the last one because that pretty much is what I said about Twitter all this time, and we see what happened THERE!
But she's right. I know she's right. (Is there a way to block one single person from reading a single post? I mean I don't need her to spend the rest of today, this week, lording it over me that I said that she was right, do I? No... I mean, she'd favorite the shit out of this post, and return to it every day just to see that I said she was right... Wait... that might help my statistics, though.... If you found this post from the right hand side, well.... you'll know that I already regret it! Kidding!)
I do need a plan to make sure I don't just burrow deeply into my bed and never emerge except for soccer and to get the church bulletin done. Particularly because there's only another month to soccer, so that won't last too long.
Do I have one? No. Not entirely. Not much at all. Except a recognition that I want there to be some structure to my days. Something in particular I accomplish each day. Incremental work on other things. I don't want to simply burrow into my bed (although it is nice and comfortable) and get lost. That's the start of a plan, right?
In the meantime, though, it's early-ish in the morning and I need to hit the shower and get this project done first. Right now, THAT's my plan. Once that's done, I can concentrate on the other. For now, that's my plan. Okay? Okay.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
The Sign on My Wall
So I am a single person who lives alone and has no guests to her home.
Think about that for a moment.
If that was you, what would your house look like?
The answer is simple. It would be whatever, for the most part, you feel comfortable in. Whatever level of cleanliness or or disarray where you felt comfortable. This doesn't mean that the WHOLE house would be some place you'd feel comfortable, but certainly the places where you spent time would be.
This may mean you've ended up restricting yourself to a single room to live in, despite having more space in which to live.
It may not.
But let's face it. If no-one is there to see the dirty dishes, is it really imperative that you wash them? Immediately, I mean.. I'm not talking about putting dirty dishes back in the cupboards or anything silly like that.
And as a single gal, I'll admit there are some clothes that deserve a "special" load and therefore have remained at the bottom of the hamper for months. Maybe even a year. This was even more so when I didn't have a washer and dryer of my own which are recent additions to my household. I wasn't spending $3.50 a load for just a few items I rarely wore (well, maybe that's because I didn't wash them, but, dog chasing tail ... ) when I had plenty of other suitable clothes TO wear.
When I got the washer and dryer, I admit, I gathered all the loose laundry and pulled it all into the back room (which was the mud room/pantry/storage area, and now is also the laundry room) and did a considerable amount of it. So now, instead of being at the bottom of my hamper (although there are a few items still in there, too) there are a few items still sitting in a pile on the floor in the - shall we call it - multipurpose room.
Why make my bed if no-one is going to see it?
My point is (yes, I do have one or two, I think...) that it is easy when you are single and living alone in your own secluded environment to get lazy about the social niceties of housework that others who share their homes might take more seriously. Plus, let's face it, I go through dishes much less quickly than a family of four...
For me, there have been a variety of factors that have led me to my standard of cleanliness. The first is that my mother was never quite the steadfast housekeeper herself. I remember her getting mad at me when I touched the credenza in the front hall and disturbed the perfectly uniform layer of dust. (I really wish I was kidding...) I was only required to clean my room twice a year, and I strongly do NOT recommend this for any parents. Help your kids learn how to clean their rooms and get into the habit of keeping things tidy. It really isn't that hard. When you're a kid. An ounce of prevention, my friends.
The second, I recognize fully, is that I do not have these habits developed. And I can - and do - blame my ADD for this. :) And there are some areas of tidiness / cleanliness that I really do have some big ADD walls about (and I could expound on that but I'll spare you in this entry), but the reality is that there is a lot about my environment that I *am* capable of keeping up, maintaining, and tidying. And for those areas, what often prevents me - lacking a sense of urgency or need - is simply habits.
We'll use my car as an example. At one point, I set it as a goal to make sure that when I came in the house every time, I'd make sure I emptied the car, leaving only the things that belonged in the car regularly in the car. It wasn't too difficult - particularly if I did it every time because really there was only whatever I'd brought in the car. Now mind you, getting that stuff past the living room floor is another issue, but really maintenance on a habit like that is fairly easy. And it doesn't take that much extra time.
The other day I came home from Sam's Club (thank you all for joining me). And I do admit that there was rain that I can use as an excuse, but the reality was that I was feeling lazy. So I calculated what exactly did I *need* to bring in at that moment - what was perishable or wouldn't be happy later when the car heated up with the sun. And what did I want to eat immediately!! ;) And I only brought in that. The rice is still sitting in the back of the car. Along with some spaghetti.
Why? Why would I do that? What was so important that I needed a few extra moments in my home that I couldn't take those moments to bring that stuff in? I have no idea. And I can't tell you that the spaghetti sauce that I *did* bring in has made it to the kitchen from the living room couch. How hard is that? I have no idea.
I am a BIG fan of FlyLady. In theory. But one of their main points is that you didn't get in this situation (they call it CHAOS - Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) overnight, and you're not going to get out of it overnight. And they're about creating habits. And making change incrementally. They're quite wonderful, and I wonder if when they're done getting me getting my house together, if they'd get the rest of my life together, too?
Oh, wait, they will. Because let's face it. If you have what it takes to maintain the daily habits to keep your home in order, you have what it takes to maintain the daily habits to keep your life in order.
Or at least that's what I'm gambling on...
So my contract is coming to an end sometime after this week. All I know is this is my last full week. And I'm a little bit anxious. I'm also in a surprisingly good and positive mood, and I'm not going to fight that. I'm going to try and hold onto it and build it. Positive begets positive, I hope. :)
But one of the things I'm nervous about is losing one other area of structure. Of needing to be so frugal I get stuck in the house doing nothing but watching television on the Internet because that costs me nothing more than the Internet connection I'm already paying. (Who decided that the Internet is SOOOO important (well it is) that it has to be CAPITALIZED? Yes, I'm doing spell check.. Carry on...) I am nervous that I might easily slip into a really bad depression, and sink even further than I have.
Guess what? Good news! I don't want that.
So, I plan intentionally on trying to put more structure in my day and in my life and in my household. Even if it isn't "urgent", even if the world won't fall apart if that pan that is in my sink doesn't get washed tonight, I am going to begin setting new standards for my life. Not inflexible ones, but new habits that are easy to maintain. And slowly, but surely and incrementally, begin to pull myself out of this quicksand and get myself and my life and my household in order.
FlyLady's first step is to clean your sink every night. It always seems silly to me, so even though I think steps two, and three and on are worthwhile, I always get lost on the sink. Tonight, with a black sharpie and blue painter's masking tape, I created a sign I put above my light switch in my bedroom ('cuz when you're single and have no guests in your home you can decorate in classy ways like this) that says: "Before I go to bed at night, I will clean my sink!"
Ask me how it's going... help me stay accountable. ;) Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a pan in my sink I need to go wash.
Think about that for a moment.
If that was you, what would your house look like?
The answer is simple. It would be whatever, for the most part, you feel comfortable in. Whatever level of cleanliness or or disarray where you felt comfortable. This doesn't mean that the WHOLE house would be some place you'd feel comfortable, but certainly the places where you spent time would be.
This may mean you've ended up restricting yourself to a single room to live in, despite having more space in which to live.
It may not.
But let's face it. If no-one is there to see the dirty dishes, is it really imperative that you wash them? Immediately, I mean.. I'm not talking about putting dirty dishes back in the cupboards or anything silly like that.
And as a single gal, I'll admit there are some clothes that deserve a "special" load and therefore have remained at the bottom of the hamper for months. Maybe even a year. This was even more so when I didn't have a washer and dryer of my own which are recent additions to my household. I wasn't spending $3.50 a load for just a few items I rarely wore (well, maybe that's because I didn't wash them, but, dog chasing tail ... ) when I had plenty of other suitable clothes TO wear.
When I got the washer and dryer, I admit, I gathered all the loose laundry and pulled it all into the back room (which was the mud room/pantry/storage area, and now is also the laundry room) and did a considerable amount of it. So now, instead of being at the bottom of my hamper (although there are a few items still in there, too) there are a few items still sitting in a pile on the floor in the - shall we call it - multipurpose room.
Why make my bed if no-one is going to see it?
My point is (yes, I do have one or two, I think...) that it is easy when you are single and living alone in your own secluded environment to get lazy about the social niceties of housework that others who share their homes might take more seriously. Plus, let's face it, I go through dishes much less quickly than a family of four...
For me, there have been a variety of factors that have led me to my standard of cleanliness. The first is that my mother was never quite the steadfast housekeeper herself. I remember her getting mad at me when I touched the credenza in the front hall and disturbed the perfectly uniform layer of dust. (I really wish I was kidding...) I was only required to clean my room twice a year, and I strongly do NOT recommend this for any parents. Help your kids learn how to clean their rooms and get into the habit of keeping things tidy. It really isn't that hard. When you're a kid. An ounce of prevention, my friends.
The second, I recognize fully, is that I do not have these habits developed. And I can - and do - blame my ADD for this. :) And there are some areas of tidiness / cleanliness that I really do have some big ADD walls about (and I could expound on that but I'll spare you in this entry), but the reality is that there is a lot about my environment that I *am* capable of keeping up, maintaining, and tidying. And for those areas, what often prevents me - lacking a sense of urgency or need - is simply habits.
We'll use my car as an example. At one point, I set it as a goal to make sure that when I came in the house every time, I'd make sure I emptied the car, leaving only the things that belonged in the car regularly in the car. It wasn't too difficult - particularly if I did it every time because really there was only whatever I'd brought in the car. Now mind you, getting that stuff past the living room floor is another issue, but really maintenance on a habit like that is fairly easy. And it doesn't take that much extra time.
The other day I came home from Sam's Club (thank you all for joining me). And I do admit that there was rain that I can use as an excuse, but the reality was that I was feeling lazy. So I calculated what exactly did I *need* to bring in at that moment - what was perishable or wouldn't be happy later when the car heated up with the sun. And what did I want to eat immediately!! ;) And I only brought in that. The rice is still sitting in the back of the car. Along with some spaghetti.
Why? Why would I do that? What was so important that I needed a few extra moments in my home that I couldn't take those moments to bring that stuff in? I have no idea. And I can't tell you that the spaghetti sauce that I *did* bring in has made it to the kitchen from the living room couch. How hard is that? I have no idea.
I am a BIG fan of FlyLady. In theory. But one of their main points is that you didn't get in this situation (they call it CHAOS - Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) overnight, and you're not going to get out of it overnight. And they're about creating habits. And making change incrementally. They're quite wonderful, and I wonder if when they're done getting me getting my house together, if they'd get the rest of my life together, too?
Oh, wait, they will. Because let's face it. If you have what it takes to maintain the daily habits to keep your home in order, you have what it takes to maintain the daily habits to keep your life in order.
Or at least that's what I'm gambling on...
So my contract is coming to an end sometime after this week. All I know is this is my last full week. And I'm a little bit anxious. I'm also in a surprisingly good and positive mood, and I'm not going to fight that. I'm going to try and hold onto it and build it. Positive begets positive, I hope. :)
But one of the things I'm nervous about is losing one other area of structure. Of needing to be so frugal I get stuck in the house doing nothing but watching television on the Internet because that costs me nothing more than the Internet connection I'm already paying. (Who decided that the Internet is SOOOO important (well it is) that it has to be CAPITALIZED? Yes, I'm doing spell check.. Carry on...) I am nervous that I might easily slip into a really bad depression, and sink even further than I have.
Guess what? Good news! I don't want that.
So, I plan intentionally on trying to put more structure in my day and in my life and in my household. Even if it isn't "urgent", even if the world won't fall apart if that pan that is in my sink doesn't get washed tonight, I am going to begin setting new standards for my life. Not inflexible ones, but new habits that are easy to maintain. And slowly, but surely and incrementally, begin to pull myself out of this quicksand and get myself and my life and my household in order.
FlyLady's first step is to clean your sink every night. It always seems silly to me, so even though I think steps two, and three and on are worthwhile, I always get lost on the sink. Tonight, with a black sharpie and blue painter's masking tape, I created a sign I put above my light switch in my bedroom ('cuz when you're single and have no guests in your home you can decorate in classy ways like this) that says: "Before I go to bed at night, I will clean my sink!"
Ask me how it's going... help me stay accountable. ;) Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a pan in my sink I need to go wash.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Glass Houses... Lessons Learned...
So I just typed this long-ish rambling-ish post about Dog Sitting, that was really more about boundaries, but might have come off as some sort of sermon to parents to avoid creating Holy Terrors.
After writing it, I decided it was time to take a shower and get going for the day, so this technically becomes another shower post. [Borg properly pauses typing, moves over to the right, and applies Label, since Borg is often so forgetful about these tools]
As I lathered up and thought about what I wrote, I realized that last potential way in which my last post could be viewed. Is that what I intended? No, not really, but perhaps so since in some ways that's where I went with it. It wasn't what I intended when I wrote the words "Dog Sitting" in the Post title.
[A brief aside into the process of blogging for ME. Every time I start a post, I start with the title. I don't do this in other areas of writing, but I do here. Every once in awhile, while typing, I recognize my post is going some different direction, and that another title might be appropriate and change it, but it is rare. I use the title as my sign post, and before I finish the entry, I stop and re-read it to make sure that as I draw my conclusion that I tie it back up to that originating idea. I mean the title to be catchy, but I also use it (or try to use it) as a tool to keep my blog entries somewhat focused - I do have ADD, you'll recall, and I'm sure there is more than one post not specifically related to ADD where that has been made perfectly clear!) When I hit "New Post" I have a kernel of thoughts about where I'm going and what I want to express, but a LOT develops as I'm writing, and sometimes I go in directions I didn't originally plan for. I trust my fingers to go where they need to most times... even if they stray from the "plan"]
I want to be very clear that I am not trying to throw stones. Because I know that I live in a glass house. It is with a conscious effort, frankly, that I most often use "please" and "thank you". I've gotten much better now, and I probably throw it out unconsciously a bit, but I often am thinking about how important it is to make sure whoever I'm speaking to knows how much I appreciate what they are doing for me and recognizes that I am asking them to do something they really have no obligation, necessarily, to do. That if they do what I ask of them, ideally it is out of the kindness of their heart.
The reality is, of course, we have become programmed, sometimes, to simply respond to demands without thinking whether this is something we want to do for the other person or should do for the other person. Often we do things for others not necessarily as a gift, but as a thoughtless response or with a lack of understanding / back-bone that we don't *need* to do something just because someone told us to. (Now it is helpful for keeping jobs, steady pay-checks and food on the table, but STILL it is a choice as to whether we are going to do something for someone else, even if the choice is easy by other rewards (job, steady pay-check food) provided...)
I have learned this lesson - am still learning this lesson - the hard way. When I get in a pressured situation working with others, my ADD becomes so hyperfocused on what needs to be done, that I have been told I am REALLY good at barking orders. Apparently, others kinda feel resentful towards me for that. Some have even called me "bossy" and many, then, don't really want to work with me, again. Fortunately I left most of those losers behind in California years ago. ;)
I am still horrible at thank you notes, but I do try to go out of my way to make sure the person knows that I'm grateful. And I try to recognize that part of what is wanted behind a "thank you" note is not only an acknowledgment that you got it from you, but a confirmation that what they sent actually arrived. It is a kindness we give to the giver to let them know it was received.
I cringe whenever I read Dear Abby and hear about thank you notes not received, or gifts not received where protocol would expect them. A recent letter (and I can't find it to link here) was from a couple who had a sibling who had not given them a wedding gift, but now, a few years later, gave a lavish gift to another sibling. I cringed reading it thinking said sibling may very well have given them a gift, but it could have been lost or otherwise waylaid on its way to them. I don't know the circumstances, and they're probably as the letter writer wrote them, but it made me think of that possibility and how religious thank you notes sent and expected (and then not received for a non-gift) could have lead the sibling to politely enquire as to whether they got his or her gift. (My ADD brain goes wild sometimes! I think you may have realized that!)
But I have spent many years, now, listening to the Dalai Lama, and studying the "art of compassion" which he says underlies the "art of happiness" and it has made it easier to understand and hear the effect of what happens when we demand without thought to others. It has caused me to listen to others as they interact. To see the fallen faces when someone they love just demands something of them, and I see it underlying SOME of people's complaints and observations of emotional abuse, including my own observations.
And I'm still not good at it. But I try hard to be aware of it.
And I know you can't teach a 30 month old that the reason she should speak politely and calmly is out of kindness towards the other person. And I know many adults may not even realize that the reason we are kind and polite is NOT because it is more likely to get us what we want (although that is many folks' motivations) but we do it out of kindness to the other person. To say to the other person, I respect you. I care about you. I appreciate you. To acknowledge they don't HAVE to do what they are doing for you, and yet, nonetheless they have. To recognize that as a gift.
I was about to write to recognize they have no "duty" but I know that's a loaded word, and many of us would argue that there are many situations in which there is a *duty*. However, I think we can also describe many situations where even though there is a clear duty, it doesn't mean a person will do what they should. (Otherwise, for example, we wouldn't need the department of child and family services, or at least such a large one) Reinforcing, ultimately, that anything someone does for us is something they didn't have to do. (Obviously Hollywood scenarios where guns are drawn to head negate this, but even then, frankly, we have a choice, because we could allow ourselves to be shot!)
I am distressed by how much in this already demanding world, we respond by "demanding" more from others. And I do think these are hard lessons to learn and hard lessons to teach, and they are easier to teach at a younger age than at an older one. Part of my learning process was watching the expressions on someone else's face - someone I cared about - when I "barked" once rather than "asked".
As human beings we seek to be accepted and loved. We should express ourselves to each other in a way that acknowledges those basic simple universal desires. We should treat each other in a way we would like to be treated, and appreciate each other for all that we do for each other. We have seen quite clearly every day what happens when we forget this, or when others forget this. We've seen the destruction the damage, whether it be minor annoyance or great anger, to the hung head, the dropped face. My friend spoils her son because she loves him. She will gladly make him dinner every night whether he asks for it or not. But I see her face fall, her head drop, when he responds with demands and not requests. It isn't because she doesn't want to do those things for him, but because she is hurt - whether she'll admit it or not - that he doesn't seem to appreciate her and love her for doing them. His words are not kind. They aren't mean, but they aren't kind. This accumulates.
Let's accumulate love and kindness that can then more easily forgive and understand an occasional harsh, rush or hurried word or demand. No, what you've said may not be unkind, but wouldn't it be nicer if it were kind?
So as I continue to think on these things and I continue in my glass house to try and learn these lessons, I invite you to reflect on how you treat those you care about and how you show them through all your actions and all your words how much you love them. And if you're not, what might happen if you changed that? What if you didn't just assume that they knew you loved them? What would it hurt you to treat your loved ones as though you actually loved them?
It wouldn't hurt at all...
After writing it, I decided it was time to take a shower and get going for the day, so this technically becomes another shower post. [Borg properly pauses typing, moves over to the right, and applies Label, since Borg is often so forgetful about these tools]
As I lathered up and thought about what I wrote, I realized that last potential way in which my last post could be viewed. Is that what I intended? No, not really, but perhaps so since in some ways that's where I went with it. It wasn't what I intended when I wrote the words "Dog Sitting" in the Post title.
[A brief aside into the process of blogging for ME. Every time I start a post, I start with the title. I don't do this in other areas of writing, but I do here. Every once in awhile, while typing, I recognize my post is going some different direction, and that another title might be appropriate and change it, but it is rare. I use the title as my sign post, and before I finish the entry, I stop and re-read it to make sure that as I draw my conclusion that I tie it back up to that originating idea. I mean the title to be catchy, but I also use it (or try to use it) as a tool to keep my blog entries somewhat focused - I do have ADD, you'll recall, and I'm sure there is more than one post not specifically related to ADD where that has been made perfectly clear!) When I hit "New Post" I have a kernel of thoughts about where I'm going and what I want to express, but a LOT develops as I'm writing, and sometimes I go in directions I didn't originally plan for. I trust my fingers to go where they need to most times... even if they stray from the "plan"]
I want to be very clear that I am not trying to throw stones. Because I know that I live in a glass house. It is with a conscious effort, frankly, that I most often use "please" and "thank you". I've gotten much better now, and I probably throw it out unconsciously a bit, but I often am thinking about how important it is to make sure whoever I'm speaking to knows how much I appreciate what they are doing for me and recognizes that I am asking them to do something they really have no obligation, necessarily, to do. That if they do what I ask of them, ideally it is out of the kindness of their heart.
The reality is, of course, we have become programmed, sometimes, to simply respond to demands without thinking whether this is something we want to do for the other person or should do for the other person. Often we do things for others not necessarily as a gift, but as a thoughtless response or with a lack of understanding / back-bone that we don't *need* to do something just because someone told us to. (Now it is helpful for keeping jobs, steady pay-checks and food on the table, but STILL it is a choice as to whether we are going to do something for someone else, even if the choice is easy by other rewards (job, steady pay-check food) provided...)
I have learned this lesson - am still learning this lesson - the hard way. When I get in a pressured situation working with others, my ADD becomes so hyperfocused on what needs to be done, that I have been told I am REALLY good at barking orders. Apparently, others kinda feel resentful towards me for that. Some have even called me "bossy" and many, then, don't really want to work with me, again. Fortunately I left most of those losers behind in California years ago. ;)
I am still horrible at thank you notes, but I do try to go out of my way to make sure the person knows that I'm grateful. And I try to recognize that part of what is wanted behind a "thank you" note is not only an acknowledgment that you got it from you, but a confirmation that what they sent actually arrived. It is a kindness we give to the giver to let them know it was received.
I cringe whenever I read Dear Abby and hear about thank you notes not received, or gifts not received where protocol would expect them. A recent letter (and I can't find it to link here) was from a couple who had a sibling who had not given them a wedding gift, but now, a few years later, gave a lavish gift to another sibling. I cringed reading it thinking said sibling may very well have given them a gift, but it could have been lost or otherwise waylaid on its way to them. I don't know the circumstances, and they're probably as the letter writer wrote them, but it made me think of that possibility and how religious thank you notes sent and expected (and then not received for a non-gift) could have lead the sibling to politely enquire as to whether they got his or her gift. (My ADD brain goes wild sometimes! I think you may have realized that!)
But I have spent many years, now, listening to the Dalai Lama, and studying the "art of compassion" which he says underlies the "art of happiness" and it has made it easier to understand and hear the effect of what happens when we demand without thought to others. It has caused me to listen to others as they interact. To see the fallen faces when someone they love just demands something of them, and I see it underlying SOME of people's complaints and observations of emotional abuse, including my own observations.
And I'm still not good at it. But I try hard to be aware of it.
And I know you can't teach a 30 month old that the reason she should speak politely and calmly is out of kindness towards the other person. And I know many adults may not even realize that the reason we are kind and polite is NOT because it is more likely to get us what we want (although that is many folks' motivations) but we do it out of kindness to the other person. To say to the other person, I respect you. I care about you. I appreciate you. To acknowledge they don't HAVE to do what they are doing for you, and yet, nonetheless they have. To recognize that as a gift.
I was about to write to recognize they have no "duty" but I know that's a loaded word, and many of us would argue that there are many situations in which there is a *duty*. However, I think we can also describe many situations where even though there is a clear duty, it doesn't mean a person will do what they should. (Otherwise, for example, we wouldn't need the department of child and family services, or at least such a large one) Reinforcing, ultimately, that anything someone does for us is something they didn't have to do. (Obviously Hollywood scenarios where guns are drawn to head negate this, but even then, frankly, we have a choice, because we could allow ourselves to be shot!)
I am distressed by how much in this already demanding world, we respond by "demanding" more from others. And I do think these are hard lessons to learn and hard lessons to teach, and they are easier to teach at a younger age than at an older one. Part of my learning process was watching the expressions on someone else's face - someone I cared about - when I "barked" once rather than "asked".
As human beings we seek to be accepted and loved. We should express ourselves to each other in a way that acknowledges those basic simple universal desires. We should treat each other in a way we would like to be treated, and appreciate each other for all that we do for each other. We have seen quite clearly every day what happens when we forget this, or when others forget this. We've seen the destruction the damage, whether it be minor annoyance or great anger, to the hung head, the dropped face. My friend spoils her son because she loves him. She will gladly make him dinner every night whether he asks for it or not. But I see her face fall, her head drop, when he responds with demands and not requests. It isn't because she doesn't want to do those things for him, but because she is hurt - whether she'll admit it or not - that he doesn't seem to appreciate her and love her for doing them. His words are not kind. They aren't mean, but they aren't kind. This accumulates.
Let's accumulate love and kindness that can then more easily forgive and understand an occasional harsh, rush or hurried word or demand. No, what you've said may not be unkind, but wouldn't it be nicer if it were kind?
So as I continue to think on these things and I continue in my glass house to try and learn these lessons, I invite you to reflect on how you treat those you care about and how you show them through all your actions and all your words how much you love them. And if you're not, what might happen if you changed that? What if you didn't just assume that they knew you loved them? What would it hurt you to treat your loved ones as though you actually loved them?
It wouldn't hurt at all...
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Dog Walking and ADD
I'm currently dog sitting, so needless to say all things puppy are on my brain.
I took the dog out for the morning pee walk and thought it was an excellent metaphor for ADD...
First stop on the dog walking tour is surprisingly NOT to pee - she has an incredible bladder that I envy in m post-40 stage... (I never really thought I'd type those words, but there they are...).
First stop is the hole she dug in my front yard on Day 2 when I turned my back for a second.
Ever notice the FEROCITY (practically) with which a dog can dig a hole? And then try pulling them off of it, or out of it or both? Yeah.
Sometimes ADD can give you that kind of hyper-focus. That "I know I can get to China if I just do this... " single-minded hyper-focus that CAN allow us to get really amazing things done, if our OCD need for perfection doesn't completely hamper us and keep us TOO hyperfocused on non-important /essential details.
But this dog has a nose for plants and weeds and everything else (yes, I know, other dog scents, too). And she will stop and smell the roses (if we had any) forever.
To actually move forward on our walk, and not get stuck at all the random things that distract her along the way, she needs a tug. Usually a light tug will make her go, "Huh, what? Oh, okay.. moving forward". Sometimes what has distracted will take more of her attention. But to get her to move forward - in the direction she needs to go - it helps to have someone there walking along beside her giving her a gentle tug.
Otherwise god only knows what weeds she'd eat...
So, in my incompetent post, I'm just looking for someone to help give me that tug, and keep me moving forward. I don't think that's too much to ask, is it? Because with ADD all sorts of other things smell interesting and make me want to stop and keep me from getting to my destination.
I took the dog out for the morning pee walk and thought it was an excellent metaphor for ADD...
First stop on the dog walking tour is surprisingly NOT to pee - she has an incredible bladder that I envy in m post-40 stage... (I never really thought I'd type those words, but there they are...).
First stop is the hole she dug in my front yard on Day 2 when I turned my back for a second.
Ever notice the FEROCITY (practically) with which a dog can dig a hole? And then try pulling them off of it, or out of it or both? Yeah.
Sometimes ADD can give you that kind of hyper-focus. That "I know I can get to China if I just do this... " single-minded hyper-focus that CAN allow us to get really amazing things done, if our OCD need for perfection doesn't completely hamper us and keep us TOO hyperfocused on non-important /essential details.
But this dog has a nose for plants and weeds and everything else (yes, I know, other dog scents, too). And she will stop and smell the roses (if we had any) forever.
To actually move forward on our walk, and not get stuck at all the random things that distract her along the way, she needs a tug. Usually a light tug will make her go, "Huh, what? Oh, okay.. moving forward". Sometimes what has distracted will take more of her attention. But to get her to move forward - in the direction she needs to go - it helps to have someone there walking along beside her giving her a gentle tug.
Otherwise god only knows what weeds she'd eat...
So, in my incompetent post, I'm just looking for someone to help give me that tug, and keep me moving forward. I don't think that's too much to ask, is it? Because with ADD all sorts of other things smell interesting and make me want to stop and keep me from getting to my destination.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Incompetence, ADD and Quicksand
Right now, at 5:30 AM as I begin to type this post, I feel tremendously incompetent. First of all, I am sleep deprived. And I'm hungry, and there is no real food in the house. Both of these contribute to an increase in emotional response.
I feel like I've dug myself into a hole and I can't get out. And it's ridiculous. It is completely ridiculous. Anyone on the real life side can tell you easily what steps I should take on some of these big items. *I* can tell you what steps I need to take, but I can't seem to take them.
It's been three years, and I am still stuck in this hole.
The reality is, even once I do start taking those positive steps, I'll still be in this hole for awhile. There is no easy fix.
To be clear there are some very concrete issues that are keeping me in this place. And by place, I mean the hole, not simply here or even specifically here in this small town.
As I was trying to fall asleep I was thinking about my ideal solution to get my life in order, and to move forward. What is it that I would need to pull myself together and get past this survival mode into a mode where I thrive.
And the answer that is abundantly clear and yet absurdly impossible and unrealistic to find is a very, very patient partner / coach. Someone who will subtly train me while I'm not paying attention into developing better habits and better skills for managing my day-to-day life. Much like I'm teaching the girls soccer even while we play other games. Someone who will start out the day - preferably by jumping on the bed and wagging their tail, but that's a different memory - ready and excited with a plan for the day. Someone who will start my day by saying, "Here's what we're doing today!"
The key word is "we". You can give me a plan. You can tell me this is what I need to do for the day. And I might even get several of the items done. And believe me, having a regular plan is a big start. Huge start. Big improvement over what I'm able to manage for myself. But what I really need is someone by my side holding my hand until I learn how to do it myself.
The person would have to have a lot of patience. The person would probably have to love me very much to tolerate me and my stubbornness. The person would have to recognize that even if I teasingly resist, I will relent. If that person is there to do it with me - whatever it is - I'll do it.
But I can't seem to manage on my own. I can't seem to do this alone.
My life, outwardly, is a mess. For example, the yard is unruly and jungle-like. After the poison ivy, any desire I had to clean it up and risk repeated rash was long gone. I do try and spend a few minutes every so often - but today, for instance, I started to itch and stopped and scrubbed myself with poison ivy oil remover.
I have GREAT reasons / excuses for a lot of what I do and don't do. But for some things, I have no explanation at all other than I just can't. I don't know why I can't. There's no rational reasonable explanation - and believe me I've searched high and low for it. ADD is part of it - and perhaps it's a big part of it. I kinda want it to be the reason because then at least I'd have a reason. And given that so many other limitations I've found over my life can sometimes be traced back to ADD (an inability whatsoever, for example, to read a non-fiction book unless it's telling a story). Then, in theory, if I managed to fix the ADD - or manage its symptoms - then maybe I'd finally be able to fix everything else.
-----------------------------------
But maybe I am too scared to thrive....
In my adolescent years, my family experienced what is now fairly typical drama and turmoil, but at the time, with all those adolescent hormones enhancing emotions, it was a hard time. I learned early on - even before the family drama - how to "survive". I am GREAT at surviving. That was my motto during my junior high and high school years - one I repeated often to my adult mentor - "I will survive" - and I have. And I do.
It wasn't until I had been with my ex-wife for a year or so that I begun to do more than just survive. That I began to do more than just provide for the basic necessities for myself. I was in a safe and secure relationship - this woman and I pledged to spend our lives together. She seemed to love me unconditionally - and I do, even still, believe that. With her, I was finally able to dream, to think about what it was that I wanted out of life, and that gave me the courage and the strength to take some risks and try something new that was ultimately in many ways quite rewarding, despite the concerns others expressed over the potential folly of my choices.
When I was with her, I finally felt free to thrive, safe to thrive. And it was glorious. I only have one wish in this world, frankly, and that is to be in a place in life, again, where I can thrive. Where I can feel safe and secure to hope for more than just the necessities in my life.
I learned long ago that the best way to avoid disappointment and being hurt was to keep your expectations reasonable. In fact, screw reasonable, keep your expectations low and then you may just be pleasantly surprised.
Thriving is about striving for more than what is reasonable and safe and expected. It's about taking chances and recognizing there may be disappointments on the path, but that overall things are good. Overall, the path I am on is leading me some place I want to go, and some place that I will enjoy when I get there - and I will enjoy both the journey and the destination.
Thriving is something like that.
With the ex, I tried something crazy and embarked in a different direction in my life. The road I had been on was a good one - a secure one. There was nothing wrong with the road I was on before that. But I wanted to try this different road. Many people thought I was nuts, including my family. But it was a good road, and I enjoyed the journey while I was on it, and just as I was beginning to hit my stride, she got scared. Scared that this new path might lead me away from her. And over time, slowly but surely, she began to put big boulders on this path. Until at one point, much like a Wile E. Coyote / Roadrunner cartoon, she took the Acme dynamite and just blew up the road altogether.
--------------
Now to be clear, I am not abdicating my responsibility for my relationship or my contribution towards its demise. Anyone who knows the full story or who has heard me tell it will tell you that I take full responsibility for my actions, my inactions, my contribution to the situation imploding. But most who watched it unfold also realized that my wife was not well, and that frankly, there was a lot about the situation that was completely out of my control and also completely not about me, even though I suffered heavily from the shrapnel.
---------------
But it makes me wonder if maybe despite how much I want to thrive, I am too scared to thrive. I am too scared to want, to hope, to dream of something more in my life. Because the more you have, the more that can be taken away from you.
That if I continue to live in this abject poverty, measured not simply by normal financial standards of "wealth" but with the asceticism physically and emotionally I have in my life, then there isn't much to take away from me. (Asceticism may not be the best word, DEARTH might be a good word).
---------------
When I first began to heal from the wounds inflicted by the Acme dynamite, I had a good friend there to hold my hand. Who had a surprisingly significant capacity of patience for me. Who loved me very deeply. Who would come downstairs on Saturday mornings during the ever so brief (it seems, but wasn't at the same time) period I lived with her and would jump on my bed to get me up and going and wag her tail excited to start the weekend and set with the plans for us to do.
She moved away, unfortunately, and left me here behind. The two things were separate, and the latter was not deliberate - I think if she could have stayed, without taking Acme dynamite to HER life, she might have. And I miss her tremendously.
When she was here, fitness was important to her. And at one point, she trained for a long distance endurance event, and I was her training buddy. We worked out nine times a week for twenty weeks to prepare her for an awesome race. And I lost about as many pounds. Working out was a breeze. It didn't feel like working out because it was time spent together enjoying each other's company. It was time to catch up on the day. It was fun setting the plan and preparing the schedule for the week together. And I was in the best shape of my life.
--------------
And now I look at pictures of myself - when I take a picture of more than just a head shot - and I recognize that I am now in the worst shape of my life. Again, I briefly allowed myself to thrive a little, to trust and depend upon someone, and they're gone and with it they took a part of my security and stability. (To be clear I have a very strong sense of self, and a very strong core being. This was about something more than that. This was about life gravy - not basic survival. Lest you think I'm too unhealthy... ;) )
-------------
ADD often makes a bad situation worse - it makes you feel like your stuck in quicksand. Apparently the best thing to do if you get stuck in quicksand is not to struggle and flail about - it will only make you sink faster. But instead to be calm, still. I'm not sure, exactly, how it is you get yourself out once you are calm and still - I only know what makes it worse, to be frank. The one time I stepped in it, I stepped out of it quite quickly, too...
But with the ADD it feels like even when I make an effort, even when I try to get out of this hole, this pit of quicksand, that my efforts only land me more securely stuck here.
--------------
So logic says just stay still. But I don't know, once I stop making it worse (IF I'm stopping making it worse) how to get out of here, anyway. I feel incompetent.
I need someone to help me. To train me. To teach me the skills I need. To apply some structure - not rigid, but still structure - to my life. So that I know on Saturday I do x chores, and on such and such an evening I do such and such errands and on Friday nights I go out for Happy Hour! And I need to be a wee bit more financially secure so that I *can* do more things. Frankly one of the reasons I don't like to go grocery shopping is that I can't afford the cost. And yet, I can't really afford not to eat, either, now can I? Kind of a Catch-22 there.
---------------
So, if you know anyone who is willing to stand on stable ground and help pull me out of the quicksand, have them drop me a line. I'm trainable. Quite trainable. But that someone will need patience. And love. And preferably if they're a cute available secure dyke, well, that won't hurt, either.
Because even if I am scared, I still want to thrive. I want to get out of this quicksand. And as I think about it more - as I write about it here - I think that is the answer as to how someone gets out of literal quicksand, someone else, standing on secure ground helps pull them out... Just stick around a little longer and, again, have lots of patience. It won't be easy... but it will be worthwhile. That I can promise.
I feel like I've dug myself into a hole and I can't get out. And it's ridiculous. It is completely ridiculous. Anyone on the real life side can tell you easily what steps I should take on some of these big items. *I* can tell you what steps I need to take, but I can't seem to take them.
It's been three years, and I am still stuck in this hole.
The reality is, even once I do start taking those positive steps, I'll still be in this hole for awhile. There is no easy fix.
To be clear there are some very concrete issues that are keeping me in this place. And by place, I mean the hole, not simply here or even specifically here in this small town.
As I was trying to fall asleep I was thinking about my ideal solution to get my life in order, and to move forward. What is it that I would need to pull myself together and get past this survival mode into a mode where I thrive.
And the answer that is abundantly clear and yet absurdly impossible and unrealistic to find is a very, very patient partner / coach. Someone who will subtly train me while I'm not paying attention into developing better habits and better skills for managing my day-to-day life. Much like I'm teaching the girls soccer even while we play other games. Someone who will start out the day - preferably by jumping on the bed and wagging their tail, but that's a different memory - ready and excited with a plan for the day. Someone who will start my day by saying, "Here's what we're doing today!"
The key word is "we". You can give me a plan. You can tell me this is what I need to do for the day. And I might even get several of the items done. And believe me, having a regular plan is a big start. Huge start. Big improvement over what I'm able to manage for myself. But what I really need is someone by my side holding my hand until I learn how to do it myself.
The person would have to have a lot of patience. The person would probably have to love me very much to tolerate me and my stubbornness. The person would have to recognize that even if I teasingly resist, I will relent. If that person is there to do it with me - whatever it is - I'll do it.
But I can't seem to manage on my own. I can't seem to do this alone.
My life, outwardly, is a mess. For example, the yard is unruly and jungle-like. After the poison ivy, any desire I had to clean it up and risk repeated rash was long gone. I do try and spend a few minutes every so often - but today, for instance, I started to itch and stopped and scrubbed myself with poison ivy oil remover.
I have GREAT reasons / excuses for a lot of what I do and don't do. But for some things, I have no explanation at all other than I just can't. I don't know why I can't. There's no rational reasonable explanation - and believe me I've searched high and low for it. ADD is part of it - and perhaps it's a big part of it. I kinda want it to be the reason because then at least I'd have a reason. And given that so many other limitations I've found over my life can sometimes be traced back to ADD (an inability whatsoever, for example, to read a non-fiction book unless it's telling a story). Then, in theory, if I managed to fix the ADD - or manage its symptoms - then maybe I'd finally be able to fix everything else.
-----------------------------------
But maybe I am too scared to thrive....
In my adolescent years, my family experienced what is now fairly typical drama and turmoil, but at the time, with all those adolescent hormones enhancing emotions, it was a hard time. I learned early on - even before the family drama - how to "survive". I am GREAT at surviving. That was my motto during my junior high and high school years - one I repeated often to my adult mentor - "I will survive" - and I have. And I do.
It wasn't until I had been with my ex-wife for a year or so that I begun to do more than just survive. That I began to do more than just provide for the basic necessities for myself. I was in a safe and secure relationship - this woman and I pledged to spend our lives together. She seemed to love me unconditionally - and I do, even still, believe that. With her, I was finally able to dream, to think about what it was that I wanted out of life, and that gave me the courage and the strength to take some risks and try something new that was ultimately in many ways quite rewarding, despite the concerns others expressed over the potential folly of my choices.
When I was with her, I finally felt free to thrive, safe to thrive. And it was glorious. I only have one wish in this world, frankly, and that is to be in a place in life, again, where I can thrive. Where I can feel safe and secure to hope for more than just the necessities in my life.
I learned long ago that the best way to avoid disappointment and being hurt was to keep your expectations reasonable. In fact, screw reasonable, keep your expectations low and then you may just be pleasantly surprised.
Thriving is about striving for more than what is reasonable and safe and expected. It's about taking chances and recognizing there may be disappointments on the path, but that overall things are good. Overall, the path I am on is leading me some place I want to go, and some place that I will enjoy when I get there - and I will enjoy both the journey and the destination.
Thriving is something like that.
With the ex, I tried something crazy and embarked in a different direction in my life. The road I had been on was a good one - a secure one. There was nothing wrong with the road I was on before that. But I wanted to try this different road. Many people thought I was nuts, including my family. But it was a good road, and I enjoyed the journey while I was on it, and just as I was beginning to hit my stride, she got scared. Scared that this new path might lead me away from her. And over time, slowly but surely, she began to put big boulders on this path. Until at one point, much like a Wile E. Coyote / Roadrunner cartoon, she took the Acme dynamite and just blew up the road altogether.
--------------
Now to be clear, I am not abdicating my responsibility for my relationship or my contribution towards its demise. Anyone who knows the full story or who has heard me tell it will tell you that I take full responsibility for my actions, my inactions, my contribution to the situation imploding. But most who watched it unfold also realized that my wife was not well, and that frankly, there was a lot about the situation that was completely out of my control and also completely not about me, even though I suffered heavily from the shrapnel.
---------------
But it makes me wonder if maybe despite how much I want to thrive, I am too scared to thrive. I am too scared to want, to hope, to dream of something more in my life. Because the more you have, the more that can be taken away from you.
That if I continue to live in this abject poverty, measured not simply by normal financial standards of "wealth" but with the asceticism physically and emotionally I have in my life, then there isn't much to take away from me. (Asceticism may not be the best word, DEARTH might be a good word).
---------------
When I first began to heal from the wounds inflicted by the Acme dynamite, I had a good friend there to hold my hand. Who had a surprisingly significant capacity of patience for me. Who loved me very deeply. Who would come downstairs on Saturday mornings during the ever so brief (it seems, but wasn't at the same time) period I lived with her and would jump on my bed to get me up and going and wag her tail excited to start the weekend and set with the plans for us to do.
She moved away, unfortunately, and left me here behind. The two things were separate, and the latter was not deliberate - I think if she could have stayed, without taking Acme dynamite to HER life, she might have. And I miss her tremendously.
When she was here, fitness was important to her. And at one point, she trained for a long distance endurance event, and I was her training buddy. We worked out nine times a week for twenty weeks to prepare her for an awesome race. And I lost about as many pounds. Working out was a breeze. It didn't feel like working out because it was time spent together enjoying each other's company. It was time to catch up on the day. It was fun setting the plan and preparing the schedule for the week together. And I was in the best shape of my life.
--------------
And now I look at pictures of myself - when I take a picture of more than just a head shot - and I recognize that I am now in the worst shape of my life. Again, I briefly allowed myself to thrive a little, to trust and depend upon someone, and they're gone and with it they took a part of my security and stability. (To be clear I have a very strong sense of self, and a very strong core being. This was about something more than that. This was about life gravy - not basic survival. Lest you think I'm too unhealthy... ;) )
-------------
ADD often makes a bad situation worse - it makes you feel like your stuck in quicksand. Apparently the best thing to do if you get stuck in quicksand is not to struggle and flail about - it will only make you sink faster. But instead to be calm, still. I'm not sure, exactly, how it is you get yourself out once you are calm and still - I only know what makes it worse, to be frank. The one time I stepped in it, I stepped out of it quite quickly, too...
But with the ADD it feels like even when I make an effort, even when I try to get out of this hole, this pit of quicksand, that my efforts only land me more securely stuck here.
--------------
So logic says just stay still. But I don't know, once I stop making it worse (IF I'm stopping making it worse) how to get out of here, anyway. I feel incompetent.
I need someone to help me. To train me. To teach me the skills I need. To apply some structure - not rigid, but still structure - to my life. So that I know on Saturday I do x chores, and on such and such an evening I do such and such errands and on Friday nights I go out for Happy Hour! And I need to be a wee bit more financially secure so that I *can* do more things. Frankly one of the reasons I don't like to go grocery shopping is that I can't afford the cost. And yet, I can't really afford not to eat, either, now can I? Kind of a Catch-22 there.
---------------
So, if you know anyone who is willing to stand on stable ground and help pull me out of the quicksand, have them drop me a line. I'm trainable. Quite trainable. But that someone will need patience. And love. And preferably if they're a cute available secure dyke, well, that won't hurt, either.
Because even if I am scared, I still want to thrive. I want to get out of this quicksand. And as I think about it more - as I write about it here - I think that is the answer as to how someone gets out of literal quicksand, someone else, standing on secure ground helps pull them out... Just stick around a little longer and, again, have lots of patience. It won't be easy... but it will be worthwhile. That I can promise.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Insomnia & ADD Meds
What a wonderful couple... What a lovely dance you do...
The general choice of drug to treat ADD is a stimulant. Our brain chemistry is different - I've seen a map of my brain and there are distinctions (the specifics of which at 5:30 in the morning I can't recall clearly enough to articulate here) between the brain of an average person and the person with ADD (although these days, ADD is beginning to trend towards the norm, rather than something different).
So when you apply stimulants to folks with ADD, the general result is it calms them down. It makes it easier, then, to focus.
But still, it seems, they are stimulants. And still, it seems, they can affect your sleep patterns.
It can be a frustrating cycle trying, then, to adjust on the other end with sleep meds - at the moment I am not - and get the balance right.
Meds help. There is no quiestion about that. But they can also create problems as well as solve them. And even when I have been taking meds more regularly than I am at the moment, I have found that they still are not enough alone to overcome the restraints ADD places on my capabilities.
And I've tried all sorts of other things. Believe me.
Unfortunately, one of the best ways to work on overcoming ADD is with a partner. And, in case you haven't already figured it out from my earlier posts - or that tag over there on the right - I am single. And even when I had a partner, it was a huge burden on them to help me with this.
I don't know the answers. But I know I'm not the only one asking questions. My ADD posts - completely without promotion - have become my highest viewed posts. Which means this one will possibly be seen considerably.
Please, if you're on this journey, don't just be a bystander, be a contributor. I can use all of the help I can get. We all can.
Oh, and I could have used a couple more hours of sleep this night. If you have those in your back pocket, I'd like them please. Thank you.
The general choice of drug to treat ADD is a stimulant. Our brain chemistry is different - I've seen a map of my brain and there are distinctions (the specifics of which at 5:30 in the morning I can't recall clearly enough to articulate here) between the brain of an average person and the person with ADD (although these days, ADD is beginning to trend towards the norm, rather than something different).
So when you apply stimulants to folks with ADD, the general result is it calms them down. It makes it easier, then, to focus.
But still, it seems, they are stimulants. And still, it seems, they can affect your sleep patterns.
It can be a frustrating cycle trying, then, to adjust on the other end with sleep meds - at the moment I am not - and get the balance right.
Meds help. There is no quiestion about that. But they can also create problems as well as solve them. And even when I have been taking meds more regularly than I am at the moment, I have found that they still are not enough alone to overcome the restraints ADD places on my capabilities.
And I've tried all sorts of other things. Believe me.
Unfortunately, one of the best ways to work on overcoming ADD is with a partner. And, in case you haven't already figured it out from my earlier posts - or that tag over there on the right - I am single. And even when I had a partner, it was a huge burden on them to help me with this.
I don't know the answers. But I know I'm not the only one asking questions. My ADD posts - completely without promotion - have become my highest viewed posts. Which means this one will possibly be seen considerably.
Please, if you're on this journey, don't just be a bystander, be a contributor. I can use all of the help I can get. We all can.
Oh, and I could have used a couple more hours of sleep this night. If you have those in your back pocket, I'd like them please. Thank you.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Therapy - Part I - ADD & Reputation
Apparently everyone had a bad week last week that I survey. (Raise your hand? Yeah, exactly) So I won't pretend that I am unique (although I am, because how many of your other friends can pull off this cube-shape so well? That's what I thought)
It was a quiet week, as you saw, on the Borg Blog.
I did actually write one post and even published it, but got a little nervous about it and took it down.
See, because I live in a small town. (In case you weren't paying attention, or this is your first time on here (welcome!))
And in that post I wrote frustratingly about how my ADD affects my ability to perform professionally, and my fears of what that might do to my professional opportunities. And while I like to think I'm anonymous, and probably am, in this day and age you never know who's watching or who's figured things out, and I decided NOT to push my luck. I just needed one person to be walking by or looking over my shoulder as I tweeted as The Borg Blog to blow my Clark Kent identity.
I started the week with something I wrote about, though. Concerns about how my behavior might affect someone else and how to deal with his nonetheless annoying behavior, and trying to understand why it hit so many buttons for me, and how to diffuse that trigger.
I realized two things in that thinking. One of the central themes in his behavior that annoys me has to do with boundaries. Usually the stuff that riles me up the most is when he is crossing real or imagined boundaries of what is and isn't appropriate for him to be doing or saying. The second central theme is his admitted attempts to stir up drama - drop a bomb and then walk away and see what happens. Well what happens, dear Tom, is I come back and whoop your ass (figuratively) for trying to create the drama in the first place, and you get irritated and annoyed because that wasn't what you were looking for. Sorry. Responsibility for your actions, Dude. But also that these attempts are usually directed at particular people. He is attacking their reputation with half-truths and misinformation, sometimes downright intentional lies.
And that hit a huge button for me, once I made the connection. I've talked a little bit about the end of my long-term relationship with my wife. And how mental illness contributed to its eventual demise. At the end, though, my wife was on a campaign to destroy me and my reputation. Calling all of my friends and my family - anyone she could find who might listen - to tell them half-truths and outright lies about me. Now because some of them were half-truths, those who weren't close enough found themselves in a hard position to know what to believe. Well... this part is true, so maybe this other part is, too. Those who I was closer with, or who just "knew" me, were able to sort through those stories, and those who really loved me, knew better than to even give her an audience (I always found it interesting who she chose as targets, and who she knew better than to even try and spread her stories to...).
And I gotta tell you, those are the hardest battles to win. Because at the end of the day, either the person knows you and knows your character, or they don't. Either they believe the lies or mis-information they've heard or they don't. There really isn't anything you can do after the fact to fix it. And any attempt to do so, to explain what is going on with your spouse, makes you sound just as crazy as her. So the best defense was none, and to hope that my actions spoke loudly enough. In the end, my only option was to walk away entirely, and I did.
So, I find that for some odd reason, having left my whole life behind, that I'm a little sensitive, apparently, when someone goes around trying to trash someone else's reputation. Who knew?
And that was just the first couple of days of the week.
On Wednesday morning, I woke up in a deep depression. I really wanted to just stay in bed all day. And if I could have done so without losing my primary job (I work several jobs), I would have. But I didn't. I got up, and I drove to work, and then I sat in the parking lot before 9 AM crying. I was wise enough to call out for help to a couple of friends - to not let myself be "alone" and spiral further. And eventually I pulled myself together and went inside. The day improved, and on Thursday I woke up in a much better mood. I also worked from home. But Friday came around and I had to go back into work again.
I attacked Friday much better than I did Wednesday. In fact, I got quite a bit done that needed to be done, and I was pleased with myself. But I also decided it was time to call a therapist whom I hadn't seen in over a year for a "tune-up" because if things continue along, professionally, as they have, I might not have secure employment, and from there everything spirals.
I blame a good deal of it on my ADD. And I find myself increasingly frustrated by the short-comings this inability to focus on something - particularly after the newness has worn off - generates. I have been fortunate in life that I am somewhat intelligent, and can manage to impress people enough that they don't notice, immediately, when I start to slack off, but eventually, like the Wizard behind the curtain, when it continues, it is noticed.
And it's a small town. This isn't a reputation I want.
So I decided it was time to go back to therapy to work on a few things, again, still. I can't really afford it. My "discretionary" money is really quite non-existant. But the conclusion I reached on Friday was that if I lose this job, I really can't afford not to go.
It was a quiet week, as you saw, on the Borg Blog.
I did actually write one post and even published it, but got a little nervous about it and took it down.
See, because I live in a small town. (In case you weren't paying attention, or this is your first time on here (welcome!))
And in that post I wrote frustratingly about how my ADD affects my ability to perform professionally, and my fears of what that might do to my professional opportunities. And while I like to think I'm anonymous, and probably am, in this day and age you never know who's watching or who's figured things out, and I decided NOT to push my luck. I just needed one person to be walking by or looking over my shoulder as I tweeted as The Borg Blog to blow my Clark Kent identity.
I started the week with something I wrote about, though. Concerns about how my behavior might affect someone else and how to deal with his nonetheless annoying behavior, and trying to understand why it hit so many buttons for me, and how to diffuse that trigger.
I realized two things in that thinking. One of the central themes in his behavior that annoys me has to do with boundaries. Usually the stuff that riles me up the most is when he is crossing real or imagined boundaries of what is and isn't appropriate for him to be doing or saying. The second central theme is his admitted attempts to stir up drama - drop a bomb and then walk away and see what happens. Well what happens, dear Tom, is I come back and whoop your ass (figuratively) for trying to create the drama in the first place, and you get irritated and annoyed because that wasn't what you were looking for. Sorry. Responsibility for your actions, Dude. But also that these attempts are usually directed at particular people. He is attacking their reputation with half-truths and misinformation, sometimes downright intentional lies.
And that hit a huge button for me, once I made the connection. I've talked a little bit about the end of my long-term relationship with my wife. And how mental illness contributed to its eventual demise. At the end, though, my wife was on a campaign to destroy me and my reputation. Calling all of my friends and my family - anyone she could find who might listen - to tell them half-truths and outright lies about me. Now because some of them were half-truths, those who weren't close enough found themselves in a hard position to know what to believe. Well... this part is true, so maybe this other part is, too. Those who I was closer with, or who just "knew" me, were able to sort through those stories, and those who really loved me, knew better than to even give her an audience (I always found it interesting who she chose as targets, and who she knew better than to even try and spread her stories to...).
And I gotta tell you, those are the hardest battles to win. Because at the end of the day, either the person knows you and knows your character, or they don't. Either they believe the lies or mis-information they've heard or they don't. There really isn't anything you can do after the fact to fix it. And any attempt to do so, to explain what is going on with your spouse, makes you sound just as crazy as her. So the best defense was none, and to hope that my actions spoke loudly enough. In the end, my only option was to walk away entirely, and I did.
So, I find that for some odd reason, having left my whole life behind, that I'm a little sensitive, apparently, when someone goes around trying to trash someone else's reputation. Who knew?
And that was just the first couple of days of the week.
On Wednesday morning, I woke up in a deep depression. I really wanted to just stay in bed all day. And if I could have done so without losing my primary job (I work several jobs), I would have. But I didn't. I got up, and I drove to work, and then I sat in the parking lot before 9 AM crying. I was wise enough to call out for help to a couple of friends - to not let myself be "alone" and spiral further. And eventually I pulled myself together and went inside. The day improved, and on Thursday I woke up in a much better mood. I also worked from home. But Friday came around and I had to go back into work again.
I attacked Friday much better than I did Wednesday. In fact, I got quite a bit done that needed to be done, and I was pleased with myself. But I also decided it was time to call a therapist whom I hadn't seen in over a year for a "tune-up" because if things continue along, professionally, as they have, I might not have secure employment, and from there everything spirals.
I blame a good deal of it on my ADD. And I find myself increasingly frustrated by the short-comings this inability to focus on something - particularly after the newness has worn off - generates. I have been fortunate in life that I am somewhat intelligent, and can manage to impress people enough that they don't notice, immediately, when I start to slack off, but eventually, like the Wizard behind the curtain, when it continues, it is noticed.
And it's a small town. This isn't a reputation I want.
So I decided it was time to go back to therapy to work on a few things, again, still. I can't really afford it. My "discretionary" money is really quite non-existant. But the conclusion I reached on Friday was that if I lose this job, I really can't afford not to go.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Boot Camp - ADD
As I have discussed before, there are many ways to manage ADD. Pharmaceutical is certainly one popular way. Behavioral is another. It's why I think that recent changes to the way our society operates is encouraging and creating ADD in others where it might otherwise remain dormant, but that's another rant, I mean post.
Structure is supposed to do wonders for kids and adults with ADD. Habits work miracles. And it's true. Once something becomes a habit, then when we don't do it, we feel this pull towards doing it.
It's one of the reasons I like FlyLady. Besides her encouragement that just a few minutes at a time will accomplish considerable amounts (which is true), she encourages us to develop habits, and doesn't try to get us to do it all at once. She recognizes it takes time for habits to develop and doesn't overwhelm us. Problem is as a single person, doing dishes daily seems silly and keeping my sink clean doesn't mean much to me. (Before you think eww, she must have a lot of dishes outstanding, let me be clear of two things: 1) sometimes the only dish might be a cup, or a fork and 2) if I'm gonna wash dishes, I'm gonna get a sink full of sudsy water to do it - I'm gonna do it right!).
But I have tried to add habits like making my bed each morning. And over the last six months, I can see a habit or two that has stuck. My life-span, however, is limited, and adding only a habit or two every six months is kinda slow...
What I really wish I'd had the opportunity to do, frankly, is boot camp. Have someone else altogether tell me what to do. And to do so over and over and over again, until I couldn't help but do it myself on my own. Now, I didn't join the military because at the time I had this not-liking-guns-very-much thing, which has mellowed some in my old age (a natural process when you live with an ex-cop for ten years who keeps a gun in your house - but while I have "handled" a gun, I still have not shot one nor have any particular desire to do so).
But to wake up every morning at the same time every day and then do the same morning routine sounds like heaven to me. How much could I accomplish if I actually knew what to do with myself when I woke up? I know that sounds strange - but remember, I'm currently working a contract job during the day that I have no set time when I am expected to arrive. That gives me a whole host of freedom and not a lot of structure. I've even Tweeted one morning this past week where I have managed to get myself ready, bags packed in the car, when I have decided, instead, to work from home. Freedom is wonderful, in theory, but for someone with ADD, it can also be a negative. (I did get more work done that day at home than I think I would have gotten done at work.. ADD needs change of scenery sometimes, too, to be productive).
ADD requires a lot. Ugh!
But I'd love to wake up at x hour every day, be motivated to do PT, make my bed, square myself away, and be ready to face the day. To have all of those things be automatic. And I believe, in my fantasy world, that having gone to boot camp, I would have learned some of those skills. And I idealistically believe that twenty years later, I would still remember and practice some of those habits.
Where is my drill instructor?
Structure is supposed to do wonders for kids and adults with ADD. Habits work miracles. And it's true. Once something becomes a habit, then when we don't do it, we feel this pull towards doing it.
It's one of the reasons I like FlyLady. Besides her encouragement that just a few minutes at a time will accomplish considerable amounts (which is true), she encourages us to develop habits, and doesn't try to get us to do it all at once. She recognizes it takes time for habits to develop and doesn't overwhelm us. Problem is as a single person, doing dishes daily seems silly and keeping my sink clean doesn't mean much to me. (Before you think eww, she must have a lot of dishes outstanding, let me be clear of two things: 1) sometimes the only dish might be a cup, or a fork and 2) if I'm gonna wash dishes, I'm gonna get a sink full of sudsy water to do it - I'm gonna do it right!).
But I have tried to add habits like making my bed each morning. And over the last six months, I can see a habit or two that has stuck. My life-span, however, is limited, and adding only a habit or two every six months is kinda slow...
What I really wish I'd had the opportunity to do, frankly, is boot camp. Have someone else altogether tell me what to do. And to do so over and over and over again, until I couldn't help but do it myself on my own. Now, I didn't join the military because at the time I had this not-liking-guns-very-much thing, which has mellowed some in my old age (a natural process when you live with an ex-cop for ten years who keeps a gun in your house - but while I have "handled" a gun, I still have not shot one nor have any particular desire to do so).
But to wake up every morning at the same time every day and then do the same morning routine sounds like heaven to me. How much could I accomplish if I actually knew what to do with myself when I woke up? I know that sounds strange - but remember, I'm currently working a contract job during the day that I have no set time when I am expected to arrive. That gives me a whole host of freedom and not a lot of structure. I've even Tweeted one morning this past week where I have managed to get myself ready, bags packed in the car, when I have decided, instead, to work from home. Freedom is wonderful, in theory, but for someone with ADD, it can also be a negative. (I did get more work done that day at home than I think I would have gotten done at work.. ADD needs change of scenery sometimes, too, to be productive).
ADD requires a lot. Ugh!
But I'd love to wake up at x hour every day, be motivated to do PT, make my bed, square myself away, and be ready to face the day. To have all of those things be automatic. And I believe, in my fantasy world, that having gone to boot camp, I would have learned some of those skills. And I idealistically believe that twenty years later, I would still remember and practice some of those habits.
Where is my drill instructor?
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Purple Thumb
While I think it would be wonderful, in theory, to have a garden out back and grow a lovely vegetable garden and have fresh food, I don't.
The reason I don't is because I have a purple thumb. And no patience. I'd overwater the plants and drown them in my love and affection, er, I mean water.
Except, I don't. Mean water, that is.
Well, and I don't mean a vegetable garden, either.
A friend and I have been joking that she's been developing a harem. And the more I think about the idea, the more I realize I need one. And the more I realize I need one, the more I realize, um, I've been developing one by writing this blog and shamelessly promoting it. (Well, not so shamelessly, but..).
In my life, generally, I've believed in serial monogamy. And not just in romantic relationships, frankly, but in friendship, too. I have a series of "best friends". And I realize that one of the reasons I have a "series" is that I wear them out.
I don't do it on purpose. I just, um, kinda keep watering them. I inundate them with 10s of emails a day, or, er, an hour. At first they like the attention, too, and keep up. But it doesn't take long before I have saturated this line of communication.
I have one friend who served as the repository for all the odd things and connections that went through my head that now serve as blog entries for over two and a half years. And I was working through some heavy stuff during that time, let me tell you. God bless her.
Early on, the fool wrote: "I'll read every word you write." Which was so refreshing after my ex had stopped reading stuff long before. I bless her for the sentiment, but after two and a half years of reading my tomes - because let's face it, I can write a tome - she, um, blocked me from her e-mail. She was taking space overall, and it was a lot more complicated than I need to get into here, but even after she started to "release" other forms of communication (Facebook, texting, phone calls), she's still left e-mail blocked.
You'd think I'd get the hint.
And I did. I, er, created this blog. My friend, Robin, has been fairly instrumental in all of this, and she became the new repository for my long tomes. Until she got a life of her own (damnit - who told her she could?).
And now, another new friend has recently become the victim of my multitude of e-mails. She texts me a lot. I think she's scared to look in her e-mail box. I don't blame her. The flood from over-watering might cause her to drown. And I wouldn't want that.
And so I need a harem. A multitude of people with whom I can share my many thoughts and ramblings.. Now.. where can I find that? Oh, yes. Of course. Twitter.
The reason I don't is because I have a purple thumb. And no patience. I'd overwater the plants and drown them in my love and affection, er, I mean water.
Except, I don't. Mean water, that is.
Well, and I don't mean a vegetable garden, either.
A friend and I have been joking that she's been developing a harem. And the more I think about the idea, the more I realize I need one. And the more I realize I need one, the more I realize, um, I've been developing one by writing this blog and shamelessly promoting it. (Well, not so shamelessly, but..).
In my life, generally, I've believed in serial monogamy. And not just in romantic relationships, frankly, but in friendship, too. I have a series of "best friends". And I realize that one of the reasons I have a "series" is that I wear them out.
I don't do it on purpose. I just, um, kinda keep watering them. I inundate them with 10s of emails a day, or, er, an hour. At first they like the attention, too, and keep up. But it doesn't take long before I have saturated this line of communication.
I have one friend who served as the repository for all the odd things and connections that went through my head that now serve as blog entries for over two and a half years. And I was working through some heavy stuff during that time, let me tell you. God bless her.
Early on, the fool wrote: "I'll read every word you write." Which was so refreshing after my ex had stopped reading stuff long before. I bless her for the sentiment, but after two and a half years of reading my tomes - because let's face it, I can write a tome - she, um, blocked me from her e-mail. She was taking space overall, and it was a lot more complicated than I need to get into here, but even after she started to "release" other forms of communication (Facebook, texting, phone calls), she's still left e-mail blocked.
You'd think I'd get the hint.
And I did. I, er, created this blog. My friend, Robin, has been fairly instrumental in all of this, and she became the new repository for my long tomes. Until she got a life of her own (damnit - who told her she could?).
And now, another new friend has recently become the victim of my multitude of e-mails. She texts me a lot. I think she's scared to look in her e-mail box. I don't blame her. The flood from over-watering might cause her to drown. And I wouldn't want that.
And so I need a harem. A multitude of people with whom I can share my many thoughts and ramblings.. Now.. where can I find that? Oh, yes. Of course. Twitter.
Welcome Lawsbians!!
After the last two nights of live Bloggess Book Club (and accompanying twit chat) I have a few more followers today who are fans of The Bloggess.
She is so great! When she reads her book, I admit, it is in the same voice - lilt, expression, dry wit that I hear in my head read her blog. She is great! Last night she read the chapter about the colon cleanse. One classic line I still remember in my fuzzy haze this morning is when the pharmacist reminded her that her anti-depressant pills are supposed to go in her mouth. You'll have to read the chapter yourself to understand the context and how funny that is. Just trust me. It is.
One Lawsbian last night (that's the name for us fans of Jenny, and I think it's great because of the pun, and well, I'm also a lesbian.. (in case you haven't gotten that far in my blog yet, start with So who am I?)) was perusing the site, and particularly upon the one link I had sent her Success and got ahead of the story where I talk about my success in my crusade to get Jenny's attention.
Let me give you the background, and then you can click on any of the links I provide below, or even better yet, click on the label to the side there, that big one that says the bloggess, and read from beginning to end.
I started this anonymous blog with a bang in February. Like anything when we start a new project (particularly when you have ADD) it's never quite clear whether you will actually make a go of it or if your energy for it will peter out.. (Raise your hands, fellow bloggers, if you've started a blog, and it's been a little while since you've posted...?)
Having an audience - I can confirm - gives you additional energy. Writing for yourself and your dog, and your best friend Robin (because you don't want to tell anyone else you're writing it, because it would defeat the purpose of an anonymous blog (a whole other theme, look at the anonymity label)) is hard. You have little feedback. You feel like you're talking in an empty room, and after awhile, it's easy to wonder what the point is and think you're just a wee bit crazy. (although I know I am crazy - there's even an insanity label over there, but I don't remember what I used it for, so I'm afraid to direct you there.. )
So, a few blog entries before I hit my 25th post, I had this wonderful inspiration to get The Bloggess' notice, because if I could get even a a teeny weeny percentage (0.001%) of her readers (and this was before the book hit the stands), it would be a HUGE boost to my readership. This was about the time she was calling out Nathon Fillion, and coined the term Nater-Tater. So, I thought the theme of where she was fit perfectly, and so I ran with it on my 25th post (a celebration of making the milestone) and Called out The Bloggess and told her not to be a Nater-Tater and to send me a picture of her collating paper or with twine - that she could understand how much it would mean to me, as Nathan meant to her.
Robin is a recovering Twitter addict. And despite the personal danger to herself, she helped me use that little app that came with my iPhone to join Twitter. (And now I'm a Twitter-crack addict - I should have heeded the warnings) and so my first tweet was to The Bloggess (thank you, Robin, for teaching me the ways) with a link to my post!
You'll have to read the posts as they were written from here to see what happened. But in Success you'll see I have my picture of The Bloggess with twine, and regardless of whether it might be true, I like to think she posted that picture for me. Even if she didn't acknowledge it on her blog. I still choose to believe that! ;)
Welcome to my blog. Look around. Explore. Get to know me. I have a lot of different things on here, and hopefully, beyond simply our affinity for The Bloggess, you'll enjoy my writing and my stories. Oh, and tell your friends. There's little "share" buttons and stuff.. And start populating my comments. Your comment is MUCH more likely to be read and responded to by the blog writer HERE than if you write on Jenny's page, so come get your fix for attention here. ;)
She is so great! When she reads her book, I admit, it is in the same voice - lilt, expression, dry wit that I hear in my head read her blog. She is great! Last night she read the chapter about the colon cleanse. One classic line I still remember in my fuzzy haze this morning is when the pharmacist reminded her that her anti-depressant pills are supposed to go in her mouth. You'll have to read the chapter yourself to understand the context and how funny that is. Just trust me. It is.
One Lawsbian last night (that's the name for us fans of Jenny, and I think it's great because of the pun, and well, I'm also a lesbian.. (in case you haven't gotten that far in my blog yet, start with So who am I?)) was perusing the site, and particularly upon the one link I had sent her Success and got ahead of the story where I talk about my success in my crusade to get Jenny's attention.
Let me give you the background, and then you can click on any of the links I provide below, or even better yet, click on the label to the side there, that big one that says the bloggess, and read from beginning to end.
I started this anonymous blog with a bang in February. Like anything when we start a new project (particularly when you have ADD) it's never quite clear whether you will actually make a go of it or if your energy for it will peter out.. (Raise your hands, fellow bloggers, if you've started a blog, and it's been a little while since you've posted...?)
Having an audience - I can confirm - gives you additional energy. Writing for yourself and your dog, and your best friend Robin (because you don't want to tell anyone else you're writing it, because it would defeat the purpose of an anonymous blog (a whole other theme, look at the anonymity label)) is hard. You have little feedback. You feel like you're talking in an empty room, and after awhile, it's easy to wonder what the point is and think you're just a wee bit crazy. (although I know I am crazy - there's even an insanity label over there, but I don't remember what I used it for, so I'm afraid to direct you there.. )
So, a few blog entries before I hit my 25th post, I had this wonderful inspiration to get The Bloggess' notice, because if I could get even a a teeny weeny percentage (0.001%) of her readers (and this was before the book hit the stands), it would be a HUGE boost to my readership. This was about the time she was calling out Nathon Fillion, and coined the term Nater-Tater. So, I thought the theme of where she was fit perfectly, and so I ran with it on my 25th post (a celebration of making the milestone) and Called out The Bloggess and told her not to be a Nater-Tater and to send me a picture of her collating paper or with twine - that she could understand how much it would mean to me, as Nathan meant to her.
Robin is a recovering Twitter addict. And despite the personal danger to herself, she helped me use that little app that came with my iPhone to join Twitter. (And now I'm a Twitter-crack addict - I should have heeded the warnings) and so my first tweet was to The Bloggess (thank you, Robin, for teaching me the ways) with a link to my post!
You'll have to read the posts as they were written from here to see what happened. But in Success you'll see I have my picture of The Bloggess with twine, and regardless of whether it might be true, I like to think she posted that picture for me. Even if she didn't acknowledge it on her blog. I still choose to believe that! ;)
Welcome to my blog. Look around. Explore. Get to know me. I have a lot of different things on here, and hopefully, beyond simply our affinity for The Bloggess, you'll enjoy my writing and my stories. Oh, and tell your friends. There's little "share" buttons and stuff.. And start populating my comments. Your comment is MUCH more likely to be read and responded to by the blog writer HERE than if you write on Jenny's page, so come get your fix for attention here. ;)
Friday, June 22, 2012
Procrastination - UPDATED
Procrastination is one of the greatest tools of those of us with ADD. We need the pressure of the last minute to give us that umph to get things done. I write this awake at the 6 o'clock hour (without an alarm) because I have a 9 AM meeting that I still, um, need to prepare for. That extra two hours, apparently, is too much time so I'm writing here. Yeah, that works...
Except, if you caught the sarcasm dripping there, it doesn't.
I will complete what needs to be done (I hope) before my meeting. And even make it to my meeting on time. (Again, I hope / expect). But will the work I bring be the best that I could have brought? No.
Yesterday, at work, I wrote myself out a To Do list. And at the top of the list, I put the two things (Yes, only TWO) that I needed to do and work on to prepare myself for the meeting. Then I listed out a whole other set of social and entertainment things I wanted to do. Some of those social obligations WERE important. And then there were the errands - paying the bills, also important. At the end of the day of work, all things but, um, the work things had been done. (To be fair, I did do SOME work things, but they weren't the top priority work things, and.. well.. here I am awake at 6:40 AM (and have actually been awake for about an hour))
Why do we do that to ourselves? I know that this is a trait that not only annoys ourselves, but annoys those around us. Did I mention to you, yet, that I found out I had ADD (even though it should have been bloody obvious) through relationship counseling??
First, to those of us in our lives who find it really really frustrating that we can't seem to do anything before the last minute, I am really sorry. It frustrates us, too. We may act blasé about it but it really pisses us off, too. We've just learned - or tried to learn - to accept ourselves as we are. But we recognize - thank you very much - how much of our potential we aren't using, that we're missing out on. God, do we notice. Or at least I do.
When I am hyper-focused... hell, when I'm just focused .. I can usually accomplish more in two hours than I can sometimes accomplish in two days when I'm not. Which is why, apparently, I'm not stressing as much as I should be and working on what I need to do to prepare for this meeting rather than write in here.
I know my ADD has cost me relationships and has strained relationships. People can't understand why I just won't DO certain things. "I can't" seems unfathomable. Seems immature. Is darn well frustrating. And ultimately hard to believe. Particularly when there comes a point that I CAN do something - but there wasn't just that "motivation" (which is what it looks like) before.
We all - or most of us - procrastinate. So it is hard to differentiate between a normal person's procrastination, and an ADD person's procrastination. The funny thing is that I actually very much prefer to have things done early and ahead of time. For things that don't seem to trigger the ADD, I can get them done with plenty of time to spare. In my office, several years back, I was the model of efficiency. In certain areas. And less the model of efficiency in others.
It is frustrating. For me. For you. For anyone around me.
Part of the reason I have this meeting, to be frank, is because in order for us to do something, sometimes, we HAVE to have deadlines. So I have scheduled a series of meetings to make ME accountable. To get ME to do something and finish this part of the project that has been 80% done - and standing - now for about 5 months. I must have gotten bored. I don't know. I honestly don't.
And if I could fix it, I would. Believe me.
POSTSCRIPT: FYI, two hours wasn't quite enough. At least not to do what I needed to do AND get cleaned up. Oops. It was close. I did send an e-mail just before 8 AM to push back the meeting by a half hour, and when I got no response, called at 9 AM to make sure she got my e-mail. She's out sick. Good thing I didn't know that earlier! Now to get cleaned up and on my way. Eek!
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Except, if you caught the sarcasm dripping there, it doesn't.
I will complete what needs to be done (I hope) before my meeting. And even make it to my meeting on time. (Again, I hope / expect). But will the work I bring be the best that I could have brought? No.
Yesterday, at work, I wrote myself out a To Do list. And at the top of the list, I put the two things (Yes, only TWO) that I needed to do and work on to prepare myself for the meeting. Then I listed out a whole other set of social and entertainment things I wanted to do. Some of those social obligations WERE important. And then there were the errands - paying the bills, also important. At the end of the day of work, all things but, um, the work things had been done. (To be fair, I did do SOME work things, but they weren't the top priority work things, and.. well.. here I am awake at 6:40 AM (and have actually been awake for about an hour))
Why do we do that to ourselves? I know that this is a trait that not only annoys ourselves, but annoys those around us. Did I mention to you, yet, that I found out I had ADD (even though it should have been bloody obvious) through relationship counseling??
First, to those of us in our lives who find it really really frustrating that we can't seem to do anything before the last minute, I am really sorry. It frustrates us, too. We may act blasé about it but it really pisses us off, too. We've just learned - or tried to learn - to accept ourselves as we are. But we recognize - thank you very much - how much of our potential we aren't using, that we're missing out on. God, do we notice. Or at least I do.
When I am hyper-focused... hell, when I'm just focused .. I can usually accomplish more in two hours than I can sometimes accomplish in two days when I'm not. Which is why, apparently, I'm not stressing as much as I should be and working on what I need to do to prepare for this meeting rather than write in here.
I know my ADD has cost me relationships and has strained relationships. People can't understand why I just won't DO certain things. "I can't" seems unfathomable. Seems immature. Is darn well frustrating. And ultimately hard to believe. Particularly when there comes a point that I CAN do something - but there wasn't just that "motivation" (which is what it looks like) before.
We all - or most of us - procrastinate. So it is hard to differentiate between a normal person's procrastination, and an ADD person's procrastination. The funny thing is that I actually very much prefer to have things done early and ahead of time. For things that don't seem to trigger the ADD, I can get them done with plenty of time to spare. In my office, several years back, I was the model of efficiency. In certain areas. And less the model of efficiency in others.
It is frustrating. For me. For you. For anyone around me.
Part of the reason I have this meeting, to be frank, is because in order for us to do something, sometimes, we HAVE to have deadlines. So I have scheduled a series of meetings to make ME accountable. To get ME to do something and finish this part of the project that has been 80% done - and standing - now for about 5 months. I must have gotten bored. I don't know. I honestly don't.
And if I could fix it, I would. Believe me.
POSTSCRIPT: FYI, two hours wasn't quite enough. At least not to do what I needed to do AND get cleaned up. Oops. It was close. I did send an e-mail just before 8 AM to push back the meeting by a half hour, and when I got no response, called at 9 AM to make sure she got my e-mail. She's out sick. Good thing I didn't know that earlier! Now to get cleaned up and on my way. Eek!
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
ADD
I've noticed a recent surge in my post about having ADD, and therefore think / wonder if there is an interest there.
It is tough and frustrating sometimes to think / write / talk about my ADD because I don't want to define myself by it, and I don't *want* it to limit me. When I first found out I read (parts of) books about ADD and also about diagnoses as adults. I say "parts of" because the reality is that I have never been able to read a complete non-fiction book, unless it was written in a story-like format.
They talk about the denial. The struggle because there are simple things that we think we should be able to do and yet can't seem to do. The frustrations that we feel. And, at some level, the relief we feel at knowing that there's a reason for this. As I wrote in my earlier post, there were plenty of teachers who realized that I was living up to my full potential. But none of them seemed to have the answer as to how I could do it. I'm not sure I have it now.
There are many ways in which people can live with and manage ADD. Pharmaceutical is certainly a popular method, and it has it's place. But there are behavioral therapies, lifestyle choices, and other means of managing ADD. In conjunction with meds or without meds.
Some of the behavioral therapies, however, are hard to implement without some one else there to help you. They are effective, or can be effective, with kids who have parents and teachers to help administer them, and work with them. As an adult, and in this case at the moment a single adult, it is harder to implement effectively behavioral modification.
Structure, frankly, is the most effective manner of addressing ADD. Developing habits and routines helps keep an ADD person on course. I do consciously try to form habits, and I could name five or six that I have developed in the past year. But it is easier to do with someone else.
Medication works but also has its limitations. Essentially in order to "calm down" a hyper-active person with ADD you actually give them stimulants, and it has the reverse reaction than it would for someone without ADD. It stimulates some part of the brain that allows you to focus. Ritalin is the most prescribed drug, and is usually where a doctor will start when he or she begins prescribing medicine. Ritalin, by itself, is one of the stupidest drugs for someone with ADD because it has an effectiveness of about four hours, and you need to take the next pill before the first one wears off. But you have ADD, so you forget to take the second pill until it's too late. As a kid, nurses used to be able to administer drugs to kids - and kids could go at lunch time to the nurse for their medicine. These days, however, a nurse can barely put on a band-aid without having to get a waiver signed by the parents, and my understanding, in all seriousness, is that they aren't even able to administer basic pain medicines like aspirin anymore. Parents are called if anything needs to be administered and the kids have to be picked up.
This was never an issue for me, because I was diagnosed as an adult. But at least a routine for a kid, where after third or fourth period, they go to the nurse every day, Ritalin could work. Except, of course, for the problem above.
The good news is the next drug they may try you on is Concerta. Time-release Ritalin that you only have to take once a day. NOW you're beginning to get it. That works. So, you try a dose and stick with it for a period of time, and then try to determine whether it's effective. This is a very subjective determination, and it gets ultimately, to be a lot like going to an optometrist and looking through the various lenses for glasses - "is this better? or this one?" when they both look the same to you. Having a partner - as I did at the time - available to help evaluate your response to the drug is helpful. And so you experiment with dosages.
The trouble is even when you find a dosage that works, you eventually get used to it, and its effectiveness begins to taper. So, then they try you on a different drug, and you, once again, go through the steps to try and find the right dosage, etc. It can, I imagine, be an endless cycle.
Which is why I do think it is important to address ADD with more than just medicine.
In my last post about ADD, I talked about the Sisyphean task of pushing the boulder up the hill. And the insanity of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Some people find paths in their life where their ADD might be an asset, or at least where their ADD is less of an impairment. One friend of mine is a doctor, and rather than be in a routine boring family practice, the activity of the ER is much more manageable for her. While being a doctor is a crazy idea for me, I can see as someone who constantly needs deadlines to get anything done that the fast paced rush of the ER could provide that level of "stress" necessary to get things done.
I wish I had THE answer. I am still struggling with finding THE answer. It is a daily battle, and it is hard. And it makes being in relationships difficult, because it is hard for someone to understand why you just can't seem to do something. Or you can't do it without x, y or z to stimulate you or make you do it. It is important to educate your partners about what it is you need. Not to make excuses, but to find a productive way to work together, and to make the relationship feel like a partnership, and not where one always feels like they have to push you to do anything. It is doable. But it is hard, too.
No lovely answers or concluding pearls on this one. It just is what it is... Feel free to add your own concluding pearls or advice.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
It is tough and frustrating sometimes to think / write / talk about my ADD because I don't want to define myself by it, and I don't *want* it to limit me. When I first found out I read (parts of) books about ADD and also about diagnoses as adults. I say "parts of" because the reality is that I have never been able to read a complete non-fiction book, unless it was written in a story-like format.
They talk about the denial. The struggle because there are simple things that we think we should be able to do and yet can't seem to do. The frustrations that we feel. And, at some level, the relief we feel at knowing that there's a reason for this. As I wrote in my earlier post, there were plenty of teachers who realized that I was living up to my full potential. But none of them seemed to have the answer as to how I could do it. I'm not sure I have it now.
There are many ways in which people can live with and manage ADD. Pharmaceutical is certainly a popular method, and it has it's place. But there are behavioral therapies, lifestyle choices, and other means of managing ADD. In conjunction with meds or without meds.
Some of the behavioral therapies, however, are hard to implement without some one else there to help you. They are effective, or can be effective, with kids who have parents and teachers to help administer them, and work with them. As an adult, and in this case at the moment a single adult, it is harder to implement effectively behavioral modification.
Structure, frankly, is the most effective manner of addressing ADD. Developing habits and routines helps keep an ADD person on course. I do consciously try to form habits, and I could name five or six that I have developed in the past year. But it is easier to do with someone else.
Medication works but also has its limitations. Essentially in order to "calm down" a hyper-active person with ADD you actually give them stimulants, and it has the reverse reaction than it would for someone without ADD. It stimulates some part of the brain that allows you to focus. Ritalin is the most prescribed drug, and is usually where a doctor will start when he or she begins prescribing medicine. Ritalin, by itself, is one of the stupidest drugs for someone with ADD because it has an effectiveness of about four hours, and you need to take the next pill before the first one wears off. But you have ADD, so you forget to take the second pill until it's too late. As a kid, nurses used to be able to administer drugs to kids - and kids could go at lunch time to the nurse for their medicine. These days, however, a nurse can barely put on a band-aid without having to get a waiver signed by the parents, and my understanding, in all seriousness, is that they aren't even able to administer basic pain medicines like aspirin anymore. Parents are called if anything needs to be administered and the kids have to be picked up.
This was never an issue for me, because I was diagnosed as an adult. But at least a routine for a kid, where after third or fourth period, they go to the nurse every day, Ritalin could work. Except, of course, for the problem above.
The good news is the next drug they may try you on is Concerta. Time-release Ritalin that you only have to take once a day. NOW you're beginning to get it. That works. So, you try a dose and stick with it for a period of time, and then try to determine whether it's effective. This is a very subjective determination, and it gets ultimately, to be a lot like going to an optometrist and looking through the various lenses for glasses - "is this better? or this one?" when they both look the same to you. Having a partner - as I did at the time - available to help evaluate your response to the drug is helpful. And so you experiment with dosages.
The trouble is even when you find a dosage that works, you eventually get used to it, and its effectiveness begins to taper. So, then they try you on a different drug, and you, once again, go through the steps to try and find the right dosage, etc. It can, I imagine, be an endless cycle.
Which is why I do think it is important to address ADD with more than just medicine.
In my last post about ADD, I talked about the Sisyphean task of pushing the boulder up the hill. And the insanity of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Some people find paths in their life where their ADD might be an asset, or at least where their ADD is less of an impairment. One friend of mine is a doctor, and rather than be in a routine boring family practice, the activity of the ER is much more manageable for her. While being a doctor is a crazy idea for me, I can see as someone who constantly needs deadlines to get anything done that the fast paced rush of the ER could provide that level of "stress" necessary to get things done.
I wish I had THE answer. I am still struggling with finding THE answer. It is a daily battle, and it is hard. And it makes being in relationships difficult, because it is hard for someone to understand why you just can't seem to do something. Or you can't do it without x, y or z to stimulate you or make you do it. It is important to educate your partners about what it is you need. Not to make excuses, but to find a productive way to work together, and to make the relationship feel like a partnership, and not where one always feels like they have to push you to do anything. It is doable. But it is hard, too.
No lovely answers or concluding pearls on this one. It just is what it is... Feel free to add your own concluding pearls or advice.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Twenty Two Days
Blogging is NOT an easy business. I follow several bloggers and now I have even greater sympathy when they discuss the efforts they make to ensure that they create time in their schedules to blog. I appreciate, even more, when I receive entries two days in a row from them (I get e-mails for many of my favorite blogs, you can, too, by hitting one of those options off to the side here on this blog!)
I'd love to blame it all on tulip-girl. I'd love to tell you that we'd embarked upon a wild tumultuous passionate affair, and frankly, I've been too busy with her to write here.
Nope. But thanks for the good wishes, because I know that's what my four regular readers from the Ukraine have been thinking.
I'd love to blame it on winning the Mega Millions lottery and embarking upon a whirlwind charitable world tour. Because, of course, that's what I would do if I won Mega Millions - I'd travel the world being charitable to others. Isn't that at the top of your list? To give it away to others? That's what I thought.
Nope. But thanks for the good wishes, because I know that's what my four regular readers from the Ukraine have been thinking.
I can blame it on ADD, and on life, and on you (why not? Oh, yeah, because if I start blaming things on you, you might stop reading...).
First, there was Holy Week. Being involved in my church meant I actually attended all four services leading up to and including Easter Sunday. That wiped me out. For weeks. Actually, seriously.
Then there is the ADD-thing. Habits and structure are a big part of getting things done (if you get things done) with ADD. So I got out of the habit of writing during the tail end of Holy Week and in the weeks recovering.
You probably thought I forgot all about this. I hadn't.
And, well, actually, tulip-girl has played a part of it, too. No, we have not embarked upon a wild tumultuous passionate affair. Yet. But we have been spending time together and getting to know each other more. We haven't even kissed. Yet. But the signs of interest continue to accrue. A touch here, a touch there. Some of my friends say it is just a matter of time.
Well, then, time will tell. And, as I keep returning to, resistance is futile.
I'd love to blame it all on tulip-girl. I'd love to tell you that we'd embarked upon a wild tumultuous passionate affair, and frankly, I've been too busy with her to write here.
Nope. But thanks for the good wishes, because I know that's what my four regular readers from the Ukraine have been thinking.
I'd love to blame it on winning the Mega Millions lottery and embarking upon a whirlwind charitable world tour. Because, of course, that's what I would do if I won Mega Millions - I'd travel the world being charitable to others. Isn't that at the top of your list? To give it away to others? That's what I thought.
Nope. But thanks for the good wishes, because I know that's what my four regular readers from the Ukraine have been thinking.
I can blame it on ADD, and on life, and on you (why not? Oh, yeah, because if I start blaming things on you, you might stop reading...).
First, there was Holy Week. Being involved in my church meant I actually attended all four services leading up to and including Easter Sunday. That wiped me out. For weeks. Actually, seriously.
Then there is the ADD-thing. Habits and structure are a big part of getting things done (if you get things done) with ADD. So I got out of the habit of writing during the tail end of Holy Week and in the weeks recovering.
You probably thought I forgot all about this. I hadn't.
And, well, actually, tulip-girl has played a part of it, too. No, we have not embarked upon a wild tumultuous passionate affair. Yet. But we have been spending time together and getting to know each other more. We haven't even kissed. Yet. But the signs of interest continue to accrue. A touch here, a touch there. Some of my friends say it is just a matter of time.
Well, then, time will tell. And, as I keep returning to, resistance is futile.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Step Away From The Keyboard
Raise your hand if in this day and age of instant everything you've done something stupid.
Yeah, that's right, I thought there might be a few of you who would have benefited - like I would - with a little more thought before posting, replying, texting, exposing our own stupidity.
Back in the golden age (okay, maybe not THE golden age...) we used to sit at our writing desks, take out our special stationary, our lovely ink pen, and actually write out letters to communicate with those at a distance. We had to go through the process of writing it out by hand - which usually took longer than we can text a bomb to a loved one - and then place letter in envelope, address, and somehow manage to get it out to the rest of the world. Either by manservant (for those 1% equivalents in the golden age) or by placing a stamp on it and waiting for the post man or taking it to a mailbox or post office.
These things took time. You had more than a few seconds from initial thought to execution before you managed to deliver something stupid.
And, ideally, then the person who received something potentially stupid also had a little more time before a response could be expected. Ideally to respond in a more gracious manner than perhaps you wrote.
ADD and the ability to instantly connect - or disconnect as the case may be - presents its own challenges.
And perhaps, sometimes, I should remember my admonitions of yesterday, step away from the keyboard, and do nothing.
Yeah, that's right, I thought there might be a few of you who would have benefited - like I would - with a little more thought before posting, replying, texting, exposing our own stupidity.
Back in the golden age (okay, maybe not THE golden age...) we used to sit at our writing desks, take out our special stationary, our lovely ink pen, and actually write out letters to communicate with those at a distance. We had to go through the process of writing it out by hand - which usually took longer than we can text a bomb to a loved one - and then place letter in envelope, address, and somehow manage to get it out to the rest of the world. Either by manservant (for those 1% equivalents in the golden age) or by placing a stamp on it and waiting for the post man or taking it to a mailbox or post office.
These things took time. You had more than a few seconds from initial thought to execution before you managed to deliver something stupid.
And, ideally, then the person who received something potentially stupid also had a little more time before a response could be expected. Ideally to respond in a more gracious manner than perhaps you wrote.
ADD and the ability to instantly connect - or disconnect as the case may be - presents its own challenges.
And perhaps, sometimes, I should remember my admonitions of yesterday, step away from the keyboard, and do nothing.
Hmm..
Alt Subject: A follow up to What a week!
So, I was talking to my priest and mentioned my conversation with my father about me becoming a priest. And I mentioned my fool-proof reason why I couldn't become one. That whole reading the bible from beginning to end thing. That whole ADD issue.
And then I made my mistake. I asked him if he'd read the whole Bible. And found out he had not. So-o-o... apparently it's not a job requirement.
Sh-h-h... don't tell my Dad...
So, I was talking to my priest and mentioned my conversation with my father about me becoming a priest. And I mentioned my fool-proof reason why I couldn't become one. That whole reading the bible from beginning to end thing. That whole ADD issue.
And then I made my mistake. I asked him if he'd read the whole Bible. And found out he had not. So-o-o... apparently it's not a job requirement.
Sh-h-h... don't tell my Dad...
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