Procrastination is one of the greatest tools of those of us with ADD. We need the pressure of the last minute to give us that umph to get things done. I write this awake at the 6 o'clock hour (without an alarm) because I have a 9 AM meeting that I still, um, need to prepare for. That extra two hours, apparently, is too much time so I'm writing here. Yeah, that works...
Except, if you caught the sarcasm dripping there, it doesn't.
I will complete what needs to be done (I hope) before my meeting. And even make it to my meeting on time. (Again, I hope / expect). But will the work I bring be the best that I could have brought? No.
Yesterday, at work, I wrote myself out a To Do list. And at the top of the list, I put the two things (Yes, only TWO) that I needed to do and work on to prepare myself for the meeting. Then I listed out a whole other set of social and entertainment things I wanted to do. Some of those social obligations WERE important. And then there were the errands - paying the bills, also important. At the end of the day of work, all things but, um, the work things had been done. (To be fair, I did do SOME work things, but they weren't the top priority work things, and.. well.. here I am awake at 6:40 AM (and have actually been awake for about an hour))
Why do we do that to ourselves? I know that this is a trait that not only annoys ourselves, but annoys those around us. Did I mention to you, yet, that I found out I had ADD (even though it should have been bloody obvious) through relationship counseling??
First, to those of us in our lives who find it really really frustrating that we can't seem to do anything before the last minute, I am really sorry. It frustrates us, too. We may act blasé about it but it really pisses us off, too. We've just learned - or tried to learn - to accept ourselves as we are. But we recognize - thank you very much - how much of our potential we aren't using, that we're missing out on. God, do we notice. Or at least I do.
When I am hyper-focused... hell, when I'm just focused .. I can usually accomplish more in two hours than I can sometimes accomplish in two days when I'm not. Which is why, apparently, I'm not stressing as much as I should be and working on what I need to do to prepare for this meeting rather than write in here.
I know my ADD has cost me relationships and has strained relationships. People can't understand why I just won't DO certain things. "I can't" seems unfathomable. Seems immature. Is darn well frustrating. And ultimately hard to believe. Particularly when there comes a point that I CAN do something - but there wasn't just that "motivation" (which is what it looks like) before.
We all - or most of us - procrastinate. So it is hard to differentiate between a normal person's procrastination, and an ADD person's procrastination. The funny thing is that I actually very much prefer to have things done early and ahead of time. For things that don't seem to trigger the ADD, I can get them done with plenty of time to spare. In my office, several years back, I was the model of efficiency. In certain areas. And less the model of efficiency in others.
It is frustrating. For me. For you. For anyone around me.
Part of the reason I have this meeting, to be frank, is because in order for us to do something, sometimes, we HAVE to have deadlines. So I have scheduled a series of meetings to make ME accountable. To get ME to do something and finish this part of the project that has been 80% done - and standing - now for about 5 months. I must have gotten bored. I don't know. I honestly don't.
And if I could fix it, I would. Believe me.
POSTSCRIPT: FYI, two hours wasn't quite enough. At least not to do what I needed to do AND get cleaned up. Oops. It was close. I did send an e-mail just before 8 AM to push back the meeting by a half hour, and when I got no response, called at 9 AM to make sure she got my e-mail. She's out sick. Good thing I didn't know that earlier! Now to get cleaned up and on my way. Eek!
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