Sticks & Stones

We all remember hearing the old saying as kids, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."  If you're a parent, it is likely you've said this yourself, or some derivation of it.

And as a child, it is helpful to have perspective and this is one way we try to do so.

But as you know, they were wrong.  Names and words DO hurt. 

This morning on the radio I heard an old sentimental song that was popular in the early nineties.  And nearly twenty years later, I can still remember my then-girlfriend teasing me (and not so affectionately, I believe) because I liked the song. 

Insults hurt.  And the pain lasts longer, sometimes than a broken bone.

Now, I'm not crippled because someone I cared about gave me a hard time about liking a sappy song.  And that is, ideally, the distinction we are trying to make when we use that phrase.  But even that, we know, is not true.

I have received an interesting smattering of responses to my post the other day about whether or not dyke is derogatory.  And I feel badly that so many of you have had a negative experience with the use of the word.  To put it frankly, it sucks.

They say with kids and spouses and maybe dogs (although they tend to be more resilient) that they hear the negative things 10x louder than the good things.  That means we need to be really careful with what we say. Or we should be. 

There are certain things you should NEVER say to your spouse or significant other.  Things that may be particular to him or her and that person's insecurities, as well as broad "insults" that generally should not be said.  If you hit their insecurity button, then it does not matter how many times in any other settings you tell them the opposite, all they will EVER remember is the one time you affirmed their biggest fears.

My ex felt that she was ugly, old, and an idiot.  She felt worthless quite often, and I felt powerless to do anything about it.  The reality is that I could not fix her self-esteem, and it was not my place to do so.  I was fortunate, that for the most part, I could remember that.  But the one responsibility I *did* have was not to undermine it and make it worse.  Not to say something cruel in a moment of pettiness. 

That made things kind of delicate sometimes.  She'd give me the opening, "I know x is kind of y ..." and if I walked into the trap, then later, in a fight, it was guaranteed this statement would come back to haunt me and would come back amplified.  Suddenly a shirt that was unflattering means that she always looked ugly. 

{and a friend, who knows who she is, just interrupted me for some afternoon fun and completely derailed my train of thought!}

Typically, I write my posts in one sitting.  It doesn't mean I don't step back and think about them sometimes, but I do much better writing in one sitting.  This is the third time I've hit this post, and I can't help but think that I should quit while I"m ahead and go ahead and post it. 

The point is that words do hurt.  You should think twice before saying hurtful things to others, because the scars that may form from that may last longer than physical scars.  If you care for someone, you care how they feel.  So even in the heat of a moment, you still think about what you might say will do.  Because more than sticks and stones hurt us.