Saturday, June 2, 2012

Hot and Cold

So I have this friend.  And she seems to run hot and cold.  (Actually, I have several friends I could describe that way, but we'll ignore the pattern for now...)

When she's cold, it is easy to walk away, count myself lucky not to have become more involved in her and her life, and just write off my losses.  But when she's "hot" - or even "warm" - I find it hard to walk away.

Now I'm sensitive enough, compassionate enough (I'd like to think) to recognize that these cold moments may have nothing to do with me.  That there may be other issues and things in her life going on that have nothing to do with me, that affect, nonetheless, the way she treats me.

And I think, in my cycle of rationalization, that this is why when she warms up, I'm willing to let my memory of the "cold" melt away. 

But I know, too, in all that self-helpy-crap kinda stuff, that people treat you the way you let them treat you.  (Oh, shit, we're going back to the pattern, after all.. damn!).  And so I struggle to figure out what is the appropriate way to respond to these varying cycles.

In theory, again in my cycle of rationalization, when she's displayed a cold front, I walk away. I do not stick around to continue to feel like crap.  And, in theory again because life is full of theories, I'd like to think she warms up because she misses my company, and wants it back.  And clearly the acting cold thing isn't working.

But is she learning about the consequences of her behavior? Is she even aware of her behavior? Again, that whole other things in her life causing it might make her unaware of how she's treating others, well, at least me. 

And it feels petty to say, "I felt like crap when you paid more attention to x than me.."  I mean, really?  How old am I?  I recognize dealing with situations head on is the mature thing to do, but this feels like a petty thing to do. 

So, she warmed up this week a little, and invited me to join her for something this weekend.  I can only imagine the wagging tail giving away my eagerness to be included, and making my attempts to be cool, and unaffected moot.  But the reality is I'm not sure I want to spend time with her this weekend.  I'm still a little upset and hurt from before.  And I have no guarantee that if I spend this time with her, she'll be different...

So here I am at 1:30 AM up and agonizing over whether I want to join her this weekend or not.  I blew her off last weekend because I *wasn't* ready to deal with her again. 

The Dalai Lama would say be compassionate.  But what really does that mean in this situation?  Be forgiving of her more thoughtless moments?  That's kinda how I feel, in theory.  In reality, I'm still pissed.  I recognize that.  Because I'm still hurt.  And I feel unacknowledged.  But isn't that all self-centered and egotistical of me?  I mean really, I'm upset because she didn't give me the attention that I wanted and made me feel like my presence at that moment in time was unnecessary, and perhaps a slight annoyance.  Maybe I was a slight annoyance.  Idk. 

But it isn't too much to want to feel special.  Is it?

P.S.  This is NOT the friend who is working from Twitter-verse!  I'm not so cruel or narcissistic as to think that a person should not be occupied by a new job.  This is much different, and she knows that this is not her...

If you like this, stick around and read other entries.  Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end.  Take a moment to send me some feedback.  Thanks for coming.  Please come back soon.


  1. This is a shitty situation, no doubt about that. I had a very very dear friend that was hot/cold for years and years until I finally cut her loose about 3 years ago. I think the thing that helped me to distance myself from her was having other friends that didn't treat me like that. It blows always having to be the bigger person! You are allowed to walk away. :)

    1. Y'know, as I finally was sleeping last night, I realized the best way to promote this particular post was to appeal to those who really wanted to be advice columnists. I'm serious! So it's nice to wake up and look over here and see that someone has at least responded.

      It's a tough situation for me. I don't have a lot of local friends - that's a big issue I've been trying to work on - and when she runs warm and hot, she and I get along well. It's nice to have someone to hang with...

      But I certainly see myself, even as she warms up, keeping her at arm's length and not trusting her completely to stay "warm" (for lack of a better description).

      Thanks for the feedback. Stick around!