The L Word

Okay.  Stop for a moment before you read any further, and tell me (or at least think to yourself) what word you think I'm referring to when I say the "L" Word.  And, I wonder, does that reflect how well you are beginning to know me? Or more about yourself?  I am not a trained analyst (although Lord knows I do it enough without training), but I think what it says about both me and about you would be interesting....

Okay - done with that.

The L Word. Oh, really, just one?  There are so many good ones.  Yes, due to the popularity of the show, and that I'm a dyke, I know you might be thinking "lesbian" - how BORING and unoriginal.  ;)  Then there's the trio of "like", "lust" and "love".   Since "vagina" has been so popular lately, there's even the racier "labia"..

If I were in a less happy place, there would be "lost", "lonely", "limited", "less", "loser"... Fortunately we don't have to worry about those today (I hope - I'm still composing this damn thing, who knows what might pop up?)

I recently met someone with whom I have having a heck of a lot of fun with.  It's only been two weeks since we have been communicating privately, but I really do enjoy that time.  It's been a really long time since I've had such a shit-eating grin on my face consistently, day after day.  Basically since the tryst moved away a year and a half ago (and she was so much more than a tryst, but it's still the safest word to use).  So I am enjoying it.

But in the past few days, I have found myself with that "l" word on my tongue.  And while I do, already, care deeply about her, it is not only not appropriate to use that word after only two weeks towards her specifically, it also isn't, yet, accurate.  But with maturity and hindsight, now, I can see how that word would slip out of my mouth so early on and so easily in my past relationships when I was younger. 

I know, now, that what I love is how she makes me feel.  I love the attention.  I love feeling special.  I love to flirt.  I love having this smile on my face so much.  I love the cute things she does, including the pictures she sends me.  I love that she likes me.  I love her honesty.  I love how brave she is.  How she is willing to take risks. She bares all in so many ways that I would find quite risky myself.  I love that she trusts me.  I love that she thinks of me.  Again, I love how she makes me feel.

And one day, perhaps, all of that will be the foundation to love "her".  But it is not the same.  And I am glad that I am older and wiser now to understand that.  To realize that.  To differentiate that.  Because, boy, I do love how she makes me feel.  But we are still getting to know each other.  I know, in reality, just the teeniest pindrop of information about her.  We haven't even yet met in person, so I have no idea what she's really like when she wakes up.  How grumpy she might get.  How pissy she might be that might really annoy me in real life.  I get just the tiniest little view into her life, although we do share quite a bit.  But I know that I don't really know her. But I do like, a lot, what I do know. 

Having not really been in straight relationships, I can't really speak to what I am about to say with any expertise, but I think lesbians are quite quick - and probably quicker - to RUSH to say "I love you".  After all, the classic dyke joke is: "What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U-Haul".  As women (I presume), we are quick to rush in.  Quick to create the facade of security and stability, that may or may not be there.  As women, generally, we want to nest.  Put two women together, and the steps from "just dating" to practically married zip by in the blink of an eye.

But I think we miss a lot when we do that.  I think flirting and courtship are fun.  I know, in the real world, this relationship with this new person won't really lead anywhere.  We live too far away, our lives are very different, and a hundred other reasons I could list off.  And in so many ways, that gives me a freedom to it to enjoy whatever it is. 

I've tried hard in the last couple of relationships I have had to enjoy the moment, and NOT try to plan too far in advance.  With the 10+ year ex, that lasted about a month to maybe six weeks.  With the tryst, well, I call her a tryst so as to keep myself in perspective as to what, in the long view of my life in hindsight, she might have been, even though there is a part of me that still thinks she's the "one".  I try to keep myself open to the here and now, and enjoy it.

It's harder to do than you might think.  But oh, so worth it.

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