Thursday, March 29, 2012

Tulips in my kitchen..

God has a sense of humor.  I have always said that.

A friend of mine got a little too close to a flame recently after I warned her to keep some distance, that the flame was dangerous.  I could see it coming a mile away.

My friend must be feeling amused as she sees me nearing a flame, too, and ignoring her warnings.  At least I hope amusement is part of her feelings.

I have a new friend.  And while I hate to admit it, sometimes same sex friendships can be tricky when you're a dyke. 

When you're out and about, you sometimes attract a certain kind of straight woman.  One who isn't completely straight after all.  You living your life and being comfortable with who you are and seeming to be somewhat normal suddenly allows them to wonder about certain feelings they have had. 

I hate to admit it, but there's a pattern to their behavior. 

I didn't recognize it at first. 

But when all my straight friends (okay not ALL my straight friends), but when many of my straight friends turned queer, I couldn't help but recognize a pattern.

It is not, as I like to believe and kid, because I am irresistable.  Nor is it something in the water - mostly because I don't drink much water. 

But I can vaguely remember my baby dyke days and being intrigued and interested in those few folks who had been initially discovered to be lesbians.  You look at yourself, and you look at them to see if it is possible that you are one of them.  It's a natural comparison.  Sometimes it's obvious and conscious, and sometimes it's not. 

You admit, though, that we do it with any group.  Walk into a new church or religious institution of your choice.  You look at them, you look at yourself, and you try to decide if you fit in.  Natural group dynamics.  Natural self-identity stuff.  Walk into a bar.  Walk into any group for the first time.  You do it.  You figure out if you fit in - or if you even want to fit in. 

So I have this new friend.  And I really like her, and I could really use a stable available local friend.  I enjoy her company.  But the signs are starting to show..

They're subtle.  To explain them would make everyone else feel self-conscious.  Because frankly a lot of the signs aren't done on a conscious level.  Some can be.  And some of the behaviors or tells by themselves are not enough to confirm or be signs.  Sometimes it's the confluence of signs. 

And I don't want my straight friends who are happily straight to stop doing some of those things.  Like give me flowers. 

But last night, she gave me tulips.

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