Wednesday, January 2, 2013

If Dear Abby had Come Out - Part II

So, apparently Twitter isn't the only one with character limitations.  Sheesh!

I tried to type my response to this comment to my post from this morning in the comment section, but I was, apparently, a bit too wordy.  So, as the blogger, I have the lovely power of creating a new post altogether.  HA!

Here's the response I was trying to add.

Well, and I think that was certainly Abby's response, too. 

But we are missing a lot of the picture here.  And I could spend pages speculating possibilities, but I don't think that is necessary to do so. 

While we may or may not think it is important, all that really matters is that it is important to her to share it.  She's come to this conclusion through some sort of journey, and soul searching.  And it is something that she wants to share, not hide.  Not be alone with.

The boat is already rocked - just not necessarily the one you and Abby might recommend not rocking. She is no longer the person she once was.  She is.. but she's now seen a side of herself that she hadn't acknowledged before, and now that she's acknowledged it to herself, she feels its important to share with others, too.  Either way, now that she's figured this out and acknowledged it, she can't hide it - at least not from herself - anymore.  And it may feel that hiding it from others is deceitful and dishonest. 

And, sadly, quite a few "happily" married women still find themselves struggling with this issue - perhaps remaining monogamous, still, but nonetheless wondering...

This is why I said if I were to give her advice, I'd recommend going to the website I linked to above which is a forum for other women just like her.  Including many who still remained happily married to their spouses. 

And likely what she is looking for is what we all look for - a sense of belonging.  I don't know that coming out - in and of itself - will help with that.  But she feels some compulsion, some need, to be honest with others about who she is and who she has discovered that she is.

A lot of my bisexual friends have married men, and many of them, have firmly remained identified as bisexual BECAUSE for them it is a political statement as much as anything else.  These are women who figured out who they were BEFORE they married, but nonetheless, despite an ability to blend into the crowd as the one they've ultimately chosen fits society's "norms", they still find it important to be clear that "society's norms" don't necessarily reflect the reality of the true society, and that we come, shall we say, in many flavors. 

It may not be the path you would take were you to find yourself in that situation - although unless we have been there ourselves we really can't know how we would actually react - but for her, nonetheless, it is the path she has chosen to be authentic to herself.  For *her* it is important. 


A different example.  Up until recently, I have been single.  And for quite some portion of the last three and a half years, I have not been really looking for or interested in "dating".  I, as you know, have been doing a little bit of healing in that time.  So why should I have come out in a small town where it feels, sometimes, like I'm the only lesbian in the town?  When those who already knew warned me that it might not be the best idea.  Why rock the boat?  What did I have to gain by telling anyone I'm gay?  (I know this isn't a "suddenly" situation as you refer to and as above, but it's a different situation where one could use similar logic and I use to illustrate reasons "why"). 

I had nothing to "gain" - I wasn't looking for anyone (just as the woman above theoretically isn't) - I could blend in as just a person simply healing from a broken marriage.  Why did I need to correct the pronouns when people used "he" or "him" instead of "she" or "her"? 

Because I needed to be true to who I was.  No, I, personally, didn't need to go and yell it on top of a mountain.  Nor does it seem she necessarily wants to do quite that.  But I am in a small town where I was warned folks were small-minded, and that I might be best off keeping my sexual orientation to myself. So... NOT the same situation at all, but perhaps some of the same reasons...

Now, I apologize for ending this here (although it may be the spot to end it) but I am being called away by someone quite important, so I must end this here and hope it helps to convey my point... :) 

If not, I'll come back later! :)


  1. Replies
    1. Good - I really didn't want to come back - I was enjoying the company of the other person far too much to want to think any further on this! ;)

  2. Got to your blog from another blog, read the above, and have to comment! As a Queer woman who has known since puberty she was Queer...and who let her future ex-husband know when we got together(as well as a couple of close friends); I have to say that how I felt after he and I split...when I came out as Queer to changed my life. For the better. My sexuality wasn't any different than it was before I came out, my feelings regarding men and women didn't suddenly transform, but it was an incredibly empowering experience to be open about that part of my identity. And still is. And I have never regretted the decision to come out, even though I certainly could have stayed closeted, pretending to be a happy little hetero in hetero relationships. I've been out for 5 years, am currently single, and dating both men and women. My life is really good. And I would never go back.

    1. Well, welcome! I hope you come back and stay. A lot of lawsbians (I assume you came from Jenny, since so many have in the last 24 hours) enjoy my blog, too. You can catch up a little about my [tenuous] relationship with her by clicking on The Bloggess link above! ;)

      Seriously though, it does feel "whole" to be honest about who you are.. to be authentic. True, it may rock some boats. And certainly when you care about others, you need to be sensitive to the repurcussions - that your actions may affect more than yourself. But that doesn't mean she can't take steps to find a way to be true to herself in a way that hopefully doesn't hurt those who matter most.

      A delicate balance, I'll admit.

      Welcome, again! And thanks for adding your voice and your experience to the conversation!