Tulips in my kitchen..

God has a sense of humor.  I have always said that.

A friend of mine got a little too close to a flame recently after I warned her to keep some distance, that the flame was dangerous.  I could see it coming a mile away.

My friend must be feeling amused as she sees me nearing a flame, too, and ignoring her warnings.  At least I hope amusement is part of her feelings.

I have a new friend.  And while I hate to admit it, sometimes same sex friendships can be tricky when you're a dyke. 

When you're out and about, you sometimes attract a certain kind of straight woman.  One who isn't completely straight after all.  You living your life and being comfortable with who you are and seeming to be somewhat normal suddenly allows them to wonder about certain feelings they have had. 

I hate to admit it, but there's a pattern to their behavior. 

I didn't recognize it at first. 

But when all my straight friends (okay not ALL my straight friends), but when many of my straight friends turned queer, I couldn't help but recognize a pattern.

It is not, as I like to believe and kid, because I am irresistable.  Nor is it something in the water - mostly because I don't drink much water. 

But I can vaguely remember my baby dyke days and being intrigued and interested in those few folks who had been initially discovered to be lesbians.  You look at yourself, and you look at them to see if it is possible that you are one of them.  It's a natural comparison.  Sometimes it's obvious and conscious, and sometimes it's not. 

You admit, though, that we do it with any group.  Walk into a new church or religious institution of your choice.  You look at them, you look at yourself, and you try to decide if you fit in.  Natural group dynamics.  Natural self-identity stuff.  Walk into a bar.  Walk into any group for the first time.  You do it.  You figure out if you fit in - or if you even want to fit in. 

So I have this new friend.  And I really like her, and I could really use a stable available local friend.  I enjoy her company.  But the signs are starting to show..

They're subtle.  To explain them would make everyone else feel self-conscious.  Because frankly a lot of the signs aren't done on a conscious level.  Some can be.  And some of the behaviors or tells by themselves are not enough to confirm or be signs.  Sometimes it's the confluence of signs. 

And I don't want my straight friends who are happily straight to stop doing some of those things.  Like give me flowers. 

But last night, she gave me tulips.


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WTF?

So, I saw this today on the Huffington Post:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/27/pennsylvania-church-kidnaps-teens-holds-them-at-gunpoint-to-teach-a-lesson_n_1382605.html?ref=mostpopular

And I gotta wonder where someone thinks that it makes sense to teach kids WHAT it feels like to be a *captive* Christian missionary in another country?

Is this the prep program before sending them off to be missionaries?

And I watched the video, and there's the youth pastor saying, "I think she was laughing".  Why would anyone laugh unless they knew it wasn't real?

And then the comment somewhere in all of it, that maybe, next time, we'll get parental permission.

Uh, yeah?

Um, next time?

As a friend of mine would then post on Facebook:  "Discuss"

It's been a week!

Down the long road, a week's absence will seem like a blip as I hit my 3,000th post, and this is merely an archive that others explore of the early Borg Blog.  But for me, trying to build a habit, I probably shouldn't go so long.

Hence illustrating the power of the funk.

I am in a funk!

I do believe that depression can be chemical.

Because it is a beautifully sunny day, I have a job (two actually), a roof over my head, food in the fridge, functioning car, mostly functioning body, and nothing, really, to be depressed about.

No, my life isn't perfect, and if I wanted to be a drama queen - which I don't - I could create another list of circumstances about my life that might even make you depressed, but I won't.

Because I don't honestly believe they are the issue.

I am not wasting much if any of my energy worrying or even thinking about those things. Because I do have faith that they will all work out.

And I definitely have moments of happiness and enjoyment in my daily life. I smile and laugh often.

I rarely wake up - whether in the morning or from a nap - feeling "refreshed". Ready to jump on what is next. Usually, I want to snuggle in a little deeper to my cocoon and go back to sleep. I want to feel surrounded by the warmth of my blanket and stay there snug and secure.

I lack drive. Something to look forward to, something to motivate me, something to work towards.

My life just is. And I feel wrong for expecting and wanting more because I imagine this is what life is for most of us. It just is.

But I am in a funk, no less...

Who are you?

Okay.  I admit it. I'm curious.  Who are you?  Leave an anonymous comment below or send me an e-mail and tell me about yourself. 

Let me know what struck you, and what, if anything, keeps you coming back.  Except you, borgfan129 - I know it's the secret messages you keep coming back for.  ;)  Keep coming.  Send your friends.

Now.  Go back out and enjoy spring!

Some interesting referring URLs/sites:

baby-car-seats.info
buy-a-computer.info
cooking-ideas.hot-trend-now.com
www.singlescrowd.com
getdentalimplantsinfo.com
chanelbagsoutletsales.com

And I've had two hits from the search: "I admit this is a shameless"... What were you looking for? 

It's Spring!

And the last thing any of us might want to do is sit inside in a space without windows and miss the beautiful weather that is now upon us. 

Spring is the time that things thaw and begin to blossom.  I use the vague term things because it is more than just Mother Nature, but also relationships and life all around us.  Having more sunshine is a positive influence and rings out a more positive attitude. 

Smiles are blooming...

At least this is my wish for you.  For us.

So, if it's still daylight out, step away from the screen and go outside and get some fresh air.  Just five minutes won't hurt you.  If you're not a smoker, pretend you are one and step outside and take a deep breath. 

Just do it.

Resistance is futile.

The Ides of March

The Ides of March didn't work out so well for our old friend Julius.  Betrayal by his closest friends brought him to his death.  Oops.

I can't imagine why this hasn't become a Hallmark holiday?  I think on the 15th of March, we should observe the Ides of March, and avoid our friends. 

Because nothing good can happen.

Cynical?  Perhaps.  But perhaps, if like Valentine's Day, we have one day dedicated to betrayal and deceit we can get it out of our systems.  We only need to worry about these things on one day a year.  The rest of the year would be rainbows, sunshine and unicorns.  Right?

Well, maybe not.

But maybe there is something to the pull of the moon on that day of the year that does portend danger or recommend that we take greater care with our significantly emotional relationships.  Fancy words for our best friends.  Because they will disappoint. 

But only on the fifteenth.  By the time the sixteenth rolls around, all doom and gloom is gone.

Beware the Ides of March.  But enjoy the sixteenth, and on the seventeenth, raise a green beer and celebrate your friends.  You surivived the original March madness.

Resistance is futile.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Well, I can only hope as I have been absent these past few days. 

Battling the dueling issues of having a life and having health issues, and trying to have a life while dealing with health issues. 

At the moment, battling insomnia which makes it a perfect time to take a moment to write. 

I will be honest with you.  The health issues are not just physical, but also emotional.  I have been fighting a mild depression and a sense of home-sickness.

Which is strange because I realize part of the problem is that I don't know where my "home" is. 

Billy Joel had a wonderful song that is one of my favorites entitled "You're My Home".  The chorus states: "Well, I never had a place that I could call my very own, but that's all right my love 'cause you're my home." 

I have often felt that sense of "home" in others.  That is where I have found my home.  As I mentioned in the "Who am I" section, I have had a geographically diverse background.  I've lived in lots of places.  I have been very fortunate. 

The second verse sings, "When you touch my weary head and you tell me everything will be all right.  You say use my body for your bed and my love will keep you warm throughout the night."

That is what I am looking for.  Someone who will tell me everything will be all right, and in whom I can rest.  Someone to just touch my weary head and pull me in closer.

I had a glimpse of that recently and I lost it.  It was never really mine to begin with, and that was part of the trouble. 

Another friend had a glimpse of it recently and also lost it.  It is AMAZING how we can give advice to others that we like to ignore for ourselves.  I reassured this friend repeatedly that this special experience she had with this woman was not unique to this woman, and that she would experience it again with someone else.  All the while refusing to believe it for myself. 

And then she did.  Have that special wonderful experience with someone else.  Brat. How dare she go prove me right? 

Another reason why I don't think I'd make a good priest.  When I go to seek The Book for solace, it isn't The Bible.  Nope, it's usually something by the Dalai Lama.  And so I pulled out my copy of The Art of Happiness which I can't seem to book mark enough (I don't dog ear, but if I did, nearly all the pages would be dog eared, and then they'd lose their significance).  If I highlighted, the whole book would be colored.  But I only do that while in school.  And even then, sparingly. 

The thing that touched me this time when I picked up The Book - and I'll paraphrase this and likely butcher the intent - was the Dalai Lama boiling down life to one simple drive: that all we want as humans is love and affection, and that this is what drives us and underlies all our behavior. 

I recently saw the 2008 Japanese movie Departures.  It is about a young cellist who loses his job when the orchestra dissolves and becomes an encoffineer - the person who prepares bodies prior to being placed into coffins.  The ritual is done with great care and affection in front of family members.  And I was touched by this movie.  In many ways.  It exemplified for me this underlying desire that the Dalai Lama had touched on about us all seeking love and affection.  This ritual expressed this in one simple graceful final act.  It is a beautiful and touching movie that I highly recommend.

How strange it is for me to admit that I felt jealousy for the care those dead bodies received.  How nice it would be to be treated in such a fashion while still alive.  It reminded me, in case I had forgotten, that I am not meant to be a solitary creature.  (I hadn't forgotten)

I have been homesick.  And perhaps one day I will once again find someone new in whom I can find a home.  In the meantime, if I were to follow my own advice, I will have to find it within myself, and spread throughout the affection I receive from others.  However, in all likelihood, I will simply continue to miss the woman I felt was home.   

Resistance is futile. 


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Step Away From The Keyboard

Raise your hand if in this day and age of instant everything you've done something stupid. 

Yeah, that's right, I thought there might be a few of you who would have benefited - like I would - with a little more thought before posting, replying, texting, exposing our own stupidity. 

Back in the golden age (okay, maybe not THE golden age...) we used to sit at our writing desks, take out our special stationary, our lovely ink pen, and actually write out letters to communicate with those at a distance.  We had to go through the process of writing it out by hand - which usually took longer than we can text a bomb to a loved one - and then place letter in envelope, address, and somehow manage to get it out to the rest of the world.  Either by manservant (for those 1% equivalents in the golden age) or by placing a stamp on it and waiting for the post man or taking it to a mailbox or post office.

These things took time.  You had more than a few seconds from initial thought to execution before you managed to deliver something stupid. 

And, ideally, then the person who received something potentially stupid also had a little more time before a response could be expected.  Ideally to respond in a more gracious manner than perhaps you wrote. 

ADD and the ability to instantly connect - or disconnect as the case may be - presents its own challenges. 

And perhaps, sometimes, I should remember my admonitions of yesterday, step away from the keyboard, and do nothing.

Hmm..

Alt Subject: A follow up to What a week!

So, I was talking to my priest and mentioned my conversation with my father about me becoming a priest.  And I mentioned my fool-proof reason why I couldn't become one.  That whole reading the bible from beginning to end thing.  That whole ADD issue.

And then I made my mistake.  I asked him if he'd read the whole Bible.  And found out he had not.  So-o-o... apparently it's not a job requirement.

Sh-h-h... don't tell my Dad...

Do Nothing...

We like to think that we are a society of action.  In our multi-tasking, crazy fast-paced world, we feel that we always must be doing SOMETHING.  We are bombarded with the media to "Just Do It!"  Writers, when facing that dreaded blank page (although usually these days it is a screen) are admonished to just write even if it's crap, and edit it later.  Get the juices flowing to start.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.  Get busy living..

We are a society geared for action. 

A body in motion stays in motion...

Blah, blah, blah.

Don't get me wrong.  That is all fine and dandy, and sometimes, when we're stuck, we should just take what little steps we can to get ourselves moving forward.  FlyLady is based on that idea that just a little bit at a time and we'll make more progress then we might realize.

It is easy to get stuck looking at the "big" picture and get overwhelmed and paralyzed.  It is easy, then, to do nothing.  Lord knows there is enough in my life that I have faced that it was easier to put off than to do.

But that isn't what this post is about.  This isn't about the hyperactive do everything, and everything must be done mentality. 

This is about those situations where the answer is to actually do nothing.  Where what is best is to do nothing. 

Those situations, sometimes, are the hardest to deal with.  They can come in many forms.  Such as bedrest for a difficult pregnancy.  Staying off a limb or joint after an injury.  Or healing emotionally after a trauma. 

We want to get moving.  We don't want to stay still.  We want to believe we heal faster than we might.  We want to push ourselves.  We don't know how to stop.  We see that light, or hope for that light, at the end of the tunnel, when we aren't being pulled back by our limitations.

Those situations are difficult.

But I pose, perhaps, they are not the hardest.  At least not for me.  For me the hardest situations are doing nothing when someone close to me needs help.  Or, at a minimum, is hurting.  Because really the whole point is that they may not need help.  Or more accurately, they may not need my help. 

And I see this issue over and over again when I watch adults figure out how to parent.  Where to set boundaries.  When to let their children make mistakes.  We want so hard to protect the ones we love, and it is so hard to realize that we can't always protect them, and that sometimes, even harder to accept, our protection is not really helping protect them after all.

It is easy for me to see these things professionally - to figure out where to streamline.  To figure out where taking more time NOW to get the process right is better over the long run for the business, and overall will be more efficient.

Figuring these things out personally is much harder.  At least for me.  How much do you help your kid with his homework?  At what point are you no longer helping but hindering him? 

At my age, many of my friends around me are re-evaluating their long-term relationships.  Having journeyed down this trail, I have some perspective on what to expect and how hard it is and ways to make it easier and ways it will be harder.  I have seen enough to have a fairly good sense of when something is worth saving or even savable, and when staying will merely be spinning one's wheels.  I know intimately the vulnerability and the fear that comes with the territory. 

Much like a parent can see the troubles a kid might encounter if they take certain actions, I can often see the results of particular choices.  And I care deeply about my friends and want to protect them from harm.  I want to set up a flare of warning - no, don't go down that path - wait, come this way.  You can go that way, but be aware that this might happen and decide what you want to do if it does. 

Sometimes that is helpful.  Sometimes that might even be wanted.  But we all like to think of ourselves as masters of our own destiny, and think we know ourselves and our own situations best.  And I am no exception.  I am just as stubborn when others try to warn me.  I think I will be different.  ;)  So I can respect my friends might feel the same way about their own journeys. 

The hardest thing to do as a friend is step aside and watch them take the journey on their own.  To find that right balance of being there for them, to catch them if they fall, hug them when they need it, but let them learn their own lessons, take their own path.  It is hard to give someone that space even when it is what they need most. 

I've had to do this with many friends.   With one friend recently, I have been better able to step outside and recognize that no matter how much I may want to help them avoid certain pitfalls, I cannot protect them from everything.  I am able to be amused standing outside and looking in.  Early on, I warned her that she might not want to do x.  She did x.  It didn't work out as she would have hoped.  I tried to bite my tongue and not directly say "I told you so..." but instead, more gently say, "I was worried about that happening." 

She would innocently ask me why I didn't warn her.  I'd tell her I did.  She'd say "Oh".  I'd laugh.  Sometimes out loud with her.  Sometimes not.  But after the first few times I realized that she would hear my advice when she was ready to hear it.  On the surface she wanted the advice, she was ready.  But inside, she wasn't ready to accept the changes that would be happening in her life.  Who really ever is? 

And I began to realize that it matters not whether I warn her.  That she, just as I did before her, will do whatever it is that she needs to do.  And she may get hurt.  I can't fix that.  I can't protect her.  I can't prevent it.  No matter how much I may want to.  Because it isn't about me simply protecting her from others.  It is, I have realized, about me protecting her from herself.  And she has the inside track to herself - I can't get between her and herself. 

This has been a tough journey for me, too.  Realizing that what I think helps is not always what helps.  And that I have to step back and let whatever will be will be.  That truly loving someone is letting them be themselves, and learn and grow and discover and experience their life.  We cannot protect the ones we love from everything.  We can't protect them from much.  All we can do is love them and support them no matter what they do. 

And that sometimes, the best thing we can do for them and for ourselves is nothing. 

Resistance is futile.

What a week!

Well, it's been quite a week since I called out The Bloggess.  I've gotten quite a bit more traffic to the site as I had hoped, and hopefully a few of you will even stay.  Two of my favorite bloggers are now following me on Twitter, and I wasn't even a twit, er, a tweep, er, a .. well, whatever twitter-lovers are, just a week ago.

I've even been told by someone that I am scarier than they are... which I think is a compliment.  I hope it's one.. Perhaps that person will come back and let me know.

I can see the traffic to specific posts, but I don't know how many of you are coming back for the blog.  I hope a lot. 

It has been an exciting week and a fun one.  I hope that it is just the beginning of a long and beautiful relationship with you, my audience, and that something I say makes you laugh, or stay, or read, or think.

I admit I am kind of between careers right now.  Currently I am "consulting" which is a three-syllable fancy word for an outsider you pay money to look in.  I do a variety of things, and hopefully I provide value, but it really is a catch-all for someone who is a contractor who will do whatever you need.  Or think you need. 

But I was talking with my father the other day, and not for the first time, thinking, I guess, that I need career advice, he suggested I consider becoming a priest.  This from a man who probably hasn't been to church since I was baptized, but we'll ignore that part. 

I think, to be fair, it is his way of acknowledging my "spiritual" side which has grown like a weed despite my parents raising.  I have a strong faith, and in the face of "recent" turmoil, it is my faith that has kept me strong.  It is a faith that they never gave me, but I have managed to find nonetheless. 

I think it also a way to acknowledge his recognition that my church is an important part of my life.  I go every Sunday.  I am active in my church (I've forgotten what number that was on the list, but I know it was there). 

I think, to be fair, it was his way of saying he loves me no matter who I am. 

And for that, I am tremendously grateful.

But it's not the first time he has suggested in recent years I consider being a priest, nor the only one who has made such a suggestion.  Usually I quite quickly answer "No.." but am unable to articulate why it's not the job for me.  But I know it's not.  They see someone who is a great listener, who can counsel friends and help them through crisis.  They see someone who has great faith in a higher being.   They see someone who is quick to help others. They see someone who goes to church a lot.  They see someone who likes to talk.  (They also see someone who is celibate, but I'm not Catholic (and then I'd have the whole being a woman and being gay problem, anyway) so that shouldn't be something calling me to the priesthood). 

I finally came up, though, with the foolproof answer as to why I can't be a priest.  One my father could agree with - although he may bring it up again, who knows.. Thanks to my ADD I don't have the patience to read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation - Alpha to Omega - and I think that might be a small requirement.  He bought it, at least.

Now I have read more of the Bible than I suspect many people, including those who thump their Bibles (and what exactly happens when one thumps a Bible - or rather what does one expect will happen? God will Morse code a message back to you??), but I have far from read the whole thing, nor do I have any desire to do so.  I can fight scripture with scripture if I have to - although the person who wrote the letter to Dr. Laura that was later paraphrased and re-done on The West Wing has done such a good job for most things, I don't need to bother.  (That and the MasterCard spoof -- about a tattoo someone had on their arm about Leviticus saying homosexuality was wrong, that a few verses later in Leviticus that thou shalt not tattoo made this tattoo priceless -- also works.  You probably have to see it...)

But I guess there is a part of me that is looking for a pulpit.  A place to expound upon the observations I have made in life and perhaps a place, ideally, to give others some food for thought in their own lives.  Not a bully pulpit, I hope.  I don't know that what I think is necessarily right.  I know it works for me most times, but that doesn't mean it would work for everyone, or that it is even right for me.  However, I do think I have a few things of value to share, and I do seem to enjoy sharing them and hope that others might find some value.

And that, my friends, may be part of the underlying drive to blog.  To find my pulpit.  Without having to read the whole Bible.  And this week I have seen my little "church" grow.  And it pleases me. 

Please leave a donation in the plate below.  :D  Thank you.


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Love Yourself Pt. 2

Alt. Title: Outrage

For those who haven't yet read the first post, I suggest you start there.  It will make this one make more sense.

Okay.  So are we on the same page now?  Great.

I caught this story being circulated by the HRC yesterday and while still available, I signed their petition.  It's a story about a principal who was telling students that if they were gay they were going to hell and if they were pregnant their lives were over.  There is a joke in there about what if they were gay and pregnant, but I will resist because this is a serious subject. 

The good news is that by the time I got around to writing this post, the principal has resigned. 

But the story is not over, nor should it be, I hope. 

The reason I was so outraged, in particular, about this story is that I could see my friend 20+ years ago sitting in the front row of that assembly.  I could see the kids in her class using their principal's hate speech as an excuse and a reason to torment her.  And if I could go back to her high school and beat up the people who harassed her then, I would.  But I can't. 

It is NOT enough that the principal has resigned and is no longer there.  And I don't even want to know about where she might land next.  I want this story to be more public so that she is notorious and no school will hire her to be in a position of influence over our youth.  I don't want this to recur.  Haven't we learned this from the scandals of the Catholic church who only removed a problem priest to simply place him in a new community?

It is not enough that the "The Haywood County Board of Education acknowledges its student body’s right to free speech. Further, the Haywood County Board of Education strives to provide an atmosphere of tolerance and diversity while maintaining high academic standards."  The damage is done.  We need to go back into that school and undo the damage. 

Like when any crisis happens at a school - any form of violence, for this was emotionally violent - we need to work with the students to let them know that this was wrong. 

So that when they hit their forties and finally struggle their way back out of the closet again, they won't wonder if this thing that makes them different is a cancer.  And this is if they are lucky enough to hit their forties...

Zen and the Art of Temptation

Ah, our good friend temptation.  While the word may only have been around since 1175-1225 (according to dictionary.com), the concept is as old as Adam and Eve. 

There is an element to the concept of temptation of the forbidden.  What tempts us, often, is what we should not have.  Yesterday, for me, it was a Tim Horton's donut.  And, instead of buying just one, I bought a half-dozen convincing myself that it was a more worthwhile deal.

In the definition provided by our friend, dictionary.com, it is not just something we shouldn't have, it is possibly evil itself. 

temp·ta·tion

/tɛmpˈteɪʃən/ [temp-tey-shuhn] 

noun

1. the act of tempting; enticement or allurement.

2. something that tempts, entices, or allures.

3. the fact or state of being tempted, especially to evil.

4. an instance of this.

5. ( initial capital letter ) the temptation of Christ by Satan. Matt. 4.

In fact, as we see here, Capital T Temptation refers to the temptation of Christ by Satan.

The original temptation was the Tree of Knowledge.  Despite the common understanding of the snake as evil in the story, is wanting knowledge really evil?  Personally, I think not, but that perhaps may be a post for another day.

But I think our understanding of that story is instead not that what is wanted is evil, but the very act of wanting something we should not have itself is what is evil.

How do we deal with temptation? How do we respond to temptation? 

One way in which I know I have dealt with temptation is to rationalize that I should have the thing or person I should not have.  I take away the aspect that makes it wrong. 

I mean let's go back to that Tree of Knowledge.  What made it wrong wasn't the tree or the fruit itself.  What made it wrong was God said don't eat this.  Now the rationalization would go something like this.  If He didn't want us to have it, it wouldn't be there.  God wouldn't create something we couldn't have.  Everything God creates is beautiful and wonderful, and before you know it, I'd be eating the fruit.  And perhaps, one would aptly argue, that the thinking, the rationalization, is the evil at work, and is the snake whispering in my ear.  I don't know.

I have one good friend who annoys the crap out of me sometimes.  Often in the context of resisting temptation, I'll say something like "I'll try".  To which my non-science fiction friend will suddenly quote Yoda.  "Do.  Or do not.  There is no try."  At which point, I'm usually tempted to hang up on her, but resist that.

In thinking about that this morning, I googled Yoda's quote to get it right.  And then started thinking about what he says, and how very zen like it is, and discover I'm surprisingly not the first to make that connection. 

And in my browsing, I came across one site that reminded me that the essence of Buddhism is "the elimination of suffering".  And in giving examples of suffering, the page stated that the desire for something that one can't have can cause suffering.

The Serenity Prayer is actually very zen-like.  It asks God for acceptance of the things we cannot change. 

The reality is that I could have the donut.  In fact, as I already admitted above, I bought six.  (Now suddenly, I'm hungry for a donut.  Luckily, there are still three left... )

But Eve wasn't really hungry.  She was curious, perhaps, but not hungry. 

I have already written that resistance is futile.  The donuts in my kitchen are an example of that.

So do we just give in to temptation whenever it arises?  Regardless of the consequences? 

I don't think that is the answer either.  Suffering is caused by wanting the things we cannot have. 

Another connection to Buddhism made by these folks who already thought this through before me was all of the references made to "clearing your mind" of your own voice or to "let go". 

I think the way in which we should respond to temptation is to think of all the reasons we do not want what we think we desire.  That's where the consequences come in.  If Eve was able to get past that moment of curiosity and thus the desire of the Tree and really think through what that action would result in - God's wrath - would she have still wanted it? 

The problem about consequences is that sometimes they are hard to see in advance.  Yes, if I eat six donuts in one sitting, I can expect tummy rot.  I will need to work a little harder at the gym.  Although one would argue that one day of six donuts would not make me suddenly balloon out - and that little rationalization is how chronic poor choices start.  No, one day won't, but repeating the pattern might.  Will eating these donuts today make me eat donuts tomorrow?  Who knows?  Well, I do in this instance since as I mentioned there are three out there calling to me now.

When I was young, as I mentioned, I was in a long distance relationship, and it was hard.  I was lonely.  And there was temptation around me.  Eventually, I succumbed.  I am not proud of this.  I was not proud of this then. I am not sure, though, that I could have made a different choice then.  I was unhappy.  I was lonely.  I really needed to end the first relationship, but I didn't know how to or want to.  I wanted it to work.  Yes, I understand how starting up with someone else is not the key to a successful relationship. 

If I had been able to look at all of it.  If I had been able to step back and clear my mind and think through it clearly, I would have seen the following:  I want to be with Person A.  And I want to be with Person B.  Person A is not here for me, and has not been here for me emotionally or physically in a while.  I want Person A to be here for me.  I can't have that.  I can have Person B. 

With 20-20 hindsight, I would have added one more element, I do not want to hurt Person A. 

In the end I chose Person B, and I lost Person A as a result of that choice.  I don't regret that consequence.  I loved Person B very deeply and we had a much more viable relationship than I had with Person A. 

What I do regret is that the choice I made and how I made it hurt Person A. 

Now Person A and Person B are long gone and I have been in relationships since, even that one long-term one that lasted ove ra quarter of my life and ended badly.  I admit that I have been tempted again by the allure of someone new while with someone old. 

And what I always remember when I am is the pain that I inflicted on Person A.  I have understood that when I am tempted by someone new that it is a sign that there is something I need to deal with someone old.  Because someone old is important to me, I have found that I do not want someone new.  In weighing what I want, I know that I do not want to cause pain and suffering to someone I love dearly.

In writing all of this out today, having not had that relationship last or be without pain, I am rethinking through even that long held conviction.  It may be that by the time I am tempted it is too late.  That the seeds for that pain have already been planted.   Because when I was tempted at the end of my last relationship, it was already the end.  It took three years for it to explode, but our relationship was over at that point. 

I still wouldn't do it any differently, though.  I still believe that if I am tempted by someone else, it is a sign that I need to focus on the relationship I am in.  It may be, though, that what I need to do if this situaton arises again is evaluate that relationship more deeply and decide whether it is time to move on.  I don't think that I spared my partner any pain by not cheating.  I think I only pulled the band-aid off more slowly.

Temptation is about desire for something one should not have.  Desire for something one cannot have causes suffering.  Should and cannot are different words.  I think the answer when confronted with temptation is to clear your mind, as the Jedis instruct, and figure out what it is that you really want.  Why is this particular thing or person tempting?  Do I really want a donut? Or am I looking for comfort food? Or a sugar jolt to get me through the afternoon?  What is it that I really need or want?  How can I satisfy that?  And then, lastly, will the thing or person I desire satisfy that want or need and is it the best way to satisfy that?  That examination will lead you to your heart's true desire. 

Resistance is futile. 

Success? - UPDATED

Here's a picture of the Bloggess holding twine...!!! She's not collating paper.  She didn't send it to me personally, but isn't it close enough? 

For now, perhaps, I'll have to take it as close enough...


UPDATED

For those of you just catching this post, earlier this week I called out the Bloggess and asked her not to be a Nater-Tater, but to be a Wil Wheaton - and as the week progressed on be a Jeri Ryan (after all, this is the Borg Blog)- and to send me a picture of her collating paper while juggling twine.  . 

It's been an eventful week.  First I had to join Twitter.  Then I discovered she favorited me, and then she decided to follow me, too.

Yesterday, I posted 14 reasons she should take a picture, and here it is.

It's been an exhausting week!

Please read more of the blog!

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The right to funk...

No, there wasn't a typo there.  I wrote FUNK.  Get your mind out of the gutter..

In a successful relationship - whether partnership or simply even friends - I think some of the success depends upon your ability to rely upon each other.  There needs to be a balance there, or one party will ultimately decide that the relationship is not worthwhile.

In an ideal world, we're not keeping a score card. I remember a friend of mine used to talk literally about deposits in the friendship bank.  Frankly, that kind of scorekeeping isn't something I like. 

But I admit that there has to be a balance.  And when I was going through a hard time and ending (or not ending for awhile there) my long-term relationship, I made a lot of withdrawals from some friends, and for some, I over-extended my credit and lost their friendship. 

True friends don't keep a deposit or withdrawal record.  But we all, nonetheless, seek a balance.  When it is off-balance, it becomes unhealthy. 

In dissecting the demise of my long-term relationship, I can say that being off balance in that regards was certainly one stumbling block.  Whether it was true or not, I felt like the one who always had to be strong, who always had to be mature.  I felt that I didn't have a partner I could rely on when I needed it.  That my partner was dealing with so much hard stuff that she needed me, and eventually I felt like I wasn't allowed to need her.  Except I did.  After a long period of imbalance, the relationship not-so-surprisingly imploded. 

In relationships, there has to be a give and take.  Well, for them to be successful or healthy or of value..

I'd like to think that we don't just drop someone because they are having a period where they are feeling too needy.  If so, I am surprised I have any friends left.  I like to think I've built up good karma or a healthy balance if we do indeed have a mystical friendship credit union. 

I do think, too, that one other potential element of success is that when one person is having a crisis or meltdown, the other one has to be strong.  If they both break down...?  I guess the chaos that might ensue scares the hell out of me.  I don't know what would happen. I've just always managed myself relatively well enough to be strong when my partner or my friend needed me to. 

And perhaps what was part of the demise of my long-term relationship was that I could no longer be strong enough.  I dunno..

In the last day or so - okay so most of the week, I've been greedy - I've been in a bit of a funk.  A good friend of mine is my daily, hourly sounding board.  We send messages back and forth all day about a variety of topics.  Last night I hit a low place that wasn't particularly fun, and this morning, I woke up a little better, but still with this cloud of funk overhead. 

So she writes me about her woes this morning.  And me, supportive friend that I am, I cut her off immediately.  Quit it, I told her, I'm having the funk, so you have to have it together. 

She politely demurred.  She is a good friend.  I am really lucky to have her as my friend. 

And then later in our morning exchange, she slightly begins to broach the topic again. From another angle this time.  Perhaps hoping I won't notice.. but I do.  And I realize, now, that I have emerged from the worst of it.  It is time for me to be strong.  So I relinquish to her the right to funk. 

Because it's all about balance.