Friday, December 14, 2012

Miss me?

See? I wasn't gone so long...

So, one of the things I'm struggling with is how to tell people in real life. 

Mostly, at the end of the day, I'm not worried about it. 

But here's some of the deal.  Most of the people in real life don't know that I'm on Twitter.  They certainly don't know that I have a blog (that whole Jenga-thing).  And my last relationship that they knew about - the ten year marriage - kinda ended badly. 

I have begun to tell a few people, so I have an early taste of the questions that will be raised. 

Oh, you met her online, was it on a dating site?  Um, no.  Fortunately, that was an individual whom I had told about my blog.  Unfortunately it was at lunch with someone else that I *hadn't* yet told about my blog...

Then there's the question of the distance.  What were the odds that I would meet someone even semi-local?  Particularly when I was trying to hide who I am and where I live?  Slim-to-none. She is NOT local.  She is at a distance.  So.... where do you see this going?  Are you moving? Is she coming here?  (Or from those who would also be out of town, is she coming *there*?)

And at some level, those questions are premature.  Not that they haven't been discussed between us, and not that we don't have our own thoughts about it.  But then to share those with others when it's still so new, well... it's premature.  And for some reason, I don't think the old joke about what a lesbian brings on the second date would be found too funny by others - although I think it's hysterical.  (The answer? A U-Haul).

Many of the people that matter aren't here, locally.  So it isn't something that can just be brought up in casual conversation.  And for the people who are here, there is an understandable fear (which is sweet) that I might leave.  Because I might. 

It takes people in a small town awhile to let new people - strangers - in.  There isn't a huge transitional population here, like in some places such as San Francisco.  And yes, there is a fear of letting them in, because they don't have the attachments, and they might leave.  (Kinda the dog chasing it's tail kinda conundrum)  (The word of the day, by the way, is Conundrum). 

So now they've let me in.  I didn't leave when my best friend who invited me here in the first place left two years ago.  They've even asked me to lead them.  And I'm gonna tell them that I might leave?  Yeah, that's nice, Borg.  Real nice. 

Long distance relationships have evolved significantly thanks to technology than they were when I was last in one.  With texting, it is possible to be at a moment's reach away to share something.  Love letters don't take weeks to arrive when they're sent by e-mail.  (Apparently, they DO still take weeks when they are sent by snail-mail..).  Long distance is no longer as expensive, if not free.  Video chats.  There are many more ways to become and remain connected than there were when I was in love with my first love and we were long distance. 

Unfortunately, while they have developed the "communicator" from the original Star Trek, they still need to develop the transporter.

I am happy and want to share my happiness.  But I understand others' fears and their questions.  And I'm not ready for them to indirectly question my happiness.  Or, frankly, question my judgment.  Yeah... my last one didn't end up so well.  Do I owe them some sort of reassurance / promise that this one will go differently?  How can I know?  Psychic powers failing...

If I were dating someone local, people wouldn't have so many questions and wouldn't get so far ahead of themselves.  Meeting someone online raises questions, too - I understand that.  But then, someone from a distance?  Raises a whole lot of other questions.  I do understand that - I do.  But so many of them take away from THIS moment right now which is where I want to be, and where I SHOULD be. 

Do we know where this is going? No, not exactly.  Can I just enjoy the moment, here and now? And take the future as it comes?  And leave the planning between us for now?

Yes.  And when it is time to share, I will find a firm way to politely make that clear.  Those are great questions, and while I have some thoughts on the answers - *we* have some thoughts on the answers, I don't have them yet.  Let's just see how this unfolds, and be happy for me at this moment.  As I am happy, myself.  No-one knows what the future holds, and if she had been here and in person, that wouldn't change my ability to know what the future holds.  So rather than waste today worrying about tomorrow, let's just live in today. 

Because today is pretty damn wonderful.  And THAT is simply what I wanted to share...


  1. You are exactly right. I could go into all of the philosophical ideas behind living in this moment (Wittgenstein, for starters), but ultimately, it boils down to the realization that this moment is all there is. Enjoy yours. the questions will answer themselves exactly when they are supposed to, and people that don't get that? Are missing out on their own moments. I wish you all the joy that this moment could possibly bring you!