In last night's post, I referenced a parody of Before He Cheats called Before He Speaks, that was a warning from pastor's wives to their husbands about using them for sermon fodder. Central to the core of that is this implicit statement, "Look, dude, I have to live in this community, too. I really don't want everyone coming up to me and talking about the pot roast I burnt the other night, or knowing our intimate private little habits." I don't want to worry or wonder with each conversation I have with you whether it is just between us, or if it is going to be shared with a large group of people on Sunday morning. It is a fair and reasonable request.
It doesn't take a reader of The Bloggess very long to feel tremendous compassion for Victor, and to think that he must have incredible patience. I imagine she takes SOME artistic license when she describes their conversations, but either way, even though she doesn't necessarily try to portray him as a saint, you can see from her writing that he is.
And I do imagine there are conversations between them, probably simply ending with Victor saying, "You're going to put this on your blog, aren't you?" and Jenny replying "You bet sweet Juanita's ass I am".
But even though you've never met the man, you can't help but fall in love a little with him given that he seems to be a truly incredible man.
Now if I wrote you about my girl, I know you would feel the same. She is incredible, sweet, wonderful. She always knows just the right things to say. She gets me. She truly does. It amazes me. She amazes me.
I'd love to write you all about my girl. I'd love to tell you about these moments of silliness I have from time to time, and how wonderfully she responds. I'd love to tell you about how despite the fact that it should, my ADD doesn't daunt her. How kindly she responds, how well she holds up against my friends, how strong and courageous she is. How sweet and loving and warm and affectionate she is. I'd love to share various vignettes that now fill my memory of moments we have shared.
But she is a private person. She protects her digital footprint. She's cautious about what might be posted about her online. And while she does love social media, she nonetheless maintains very clear distinct boundaries about what she shares. Boundaries that we have already blurred together, admittedly. But it is one thing for her to make a clear choice, a deliberated choice, I will post x in y place; and a completely different thing for me to make such a choice for her - particularly without consulting her.
So I found myself lost, sometimes, when it comes to writing new posts, because the things I want to share most, I want to keep between ourselves. I can safely speak generically about how much I love her laugh, but to tell you about what she says that makes me laugh would be too much. And how much do you really want to hear me gloss on and on about how beautiful she is, and how she makes my breath catch? There's only so much of that...
I can say this, though. When someone truly loves you, all she wants is your happiness. Don't settle for anyone who wants less than that. My girl makes me very happy!!
Friday, January 11, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
My Biggest Fan
My
She will now learn that if she doesn't provide me with ideas, then I will write about her. ;)
Actually, I know better than that. One of my good friends is the wife of a priest, and long ago she shared with me one of her favorite videos - a parody off of Carrie Underwood's Before He Cheats, called Before He Speaks. It's a lesson learning video about what will happen to the priest who mentions his wife or uses his wife in his sermons. It's quite amusing.
So, I know better than to do that. But it seems lately that if you take away my girl as a topic of conversation, I am left with little else to talk about.
And that doesn't quite seem right. Certainly I had plenty of
Okay. Hmm... Maybe I was a wonder and a sensation only in my head? Maybe you all were just kind and took pity on me? No, that can't be it.
But I was just reading The Bloggess' Let's Pretend This Never Happened over dinner this evening, and in the chapter I was reading, she's writing about her generalized anxiety disorder, and how it makes her tell the story during dinner parties of how she swallowed a needle, or think she swallowed a needle, and how her conversational skills degenerate from there. And I would never want to belittle her experience, but suddenly, I wonder, if I've lost the art of conversation, or the art of the blog post?
Nah.
This morning, I was reading Dear Abby (again? Can you believe it? It's like she writes a column every day or something.. She'd make a great blogger! *wink!*) and actually I was quite struck by the advice written in by readers about how to have long term successful relationships in response to a letter published in October.
The text of today's column is pasted below.. And I admit, while embarking upon a new relationship, it seemed like there was some sound advice in there for me to remember. And since I talk about relationships here so frequently, I thought I'd share some of the parts that struck me most:
Love isn't just a feeling, but a choice and a commitment. I'm committed to my husband not because I'm "supposed" to be, but because I choose to be.
I do firmly believe that I never want someone to be with me because they feel obligated to do so. That's not a reason to be together. I want them to choose to be with me, not feel stuck, even if I tease my girlfriend that she's now "stuck" with me. It is a choice we make each day. And so far, it's seemed like a fairly easy choice. And fortunately, whenever I do tease her, she always responds with the right answer: "I'm not stuck with you. I can dump your ass any day." (so not true, she is MUCH nicer than that, but doesn't that make her SOUND bad-ass?)
We're told that marriage is 50-50. That's not true. It's 100-100. I'm responsible for my 100 percent, and my spouse is responsible for his.
I think it is easy for people within a relationship to begin to keep a score-card. But I think what each person brings to a relationship is often not easily quantifiable, not easily measurable. I think - or how I choose to read this - is that we are each responsible for bringing 100% of ourselves to the relationship. Simply having someone to share life with doesn't mean that we have less responsibility for our lives, it just means that our load is lighter because we are carrying it together.
Loving feelings come from loving behavior, not the other way around.
I have a mixed response to this one. Mostly because I am in the early hormonal throes of my relationship. I feel that my behavior is an expression of my loving feelings. And I certainly hope that this is the way I feel for the life of our relationship - for our lives shared together.
But I have been in relationships gone sour, and I think this sentence applies to those who are having a hard time. That while you might not be feeling loving towards your spouse, if you treat him or her in a loving manner, you'll regenerate the loving feelings that belong underneath it. If you treat me in a loving manner, it is hard for me to remain angry or hurt. You repair what damage might have been done, and in the process, remind yourself and your spouse of what it was like when those loving feelings were closer to the surface. And I think that is illustrated in the last comment, here:
A wise therapist advised me to compliment my husband at least once a day. ("If you act happy, pretty soon it won't be an act.")
For me, I am actually happy. It's not an act.
But the lesson from today's column is that it is important for ANYONE in the beginning hummm of a new relationship to remember that sometimes relationships will require work, and they do require commitment. It is easy to believe the hormonal rush that leads you to believe your love can do nothing wrong will never end. And, hopefully, it won't. But even if it does, it is important to remember and to build upon the true love and caring feelings you have for your romantic partner, because those will take you through some of the more "complicated" / difficult times you may face together.
Remember to value your partner every day. Make a conscious choice to be in your relationship. And let your partner know he or she is special. Every day. It's the only way to build a solid foundation that can withstand whatever life may throw at you. And always hold hands to get through that together.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Had It in Hartford" (Oct. 6), who
has been unhappily married to her husband for 20 years. She said she
married him for all the wrong reasons and "has never loved him the way
a woman should love a man."
After I had been married for seven years, I went to my pastor concerned
that the grass on the other side was looking greener than mine. As we
spoke, I began to realize the extent of the investment I had put into
my marriage and that I didn't want to start over again on a new one.
My mom always told me, "Marriage is not easy. You will always have to
work on it. There will be times when you won't feel that you like him
or love him." I have been married for 36 years now. Do I notice
handsome men, or appreciate a man who treats me kindly? Of course. I'm
not blind or dead.
Love isn't just a feeling, but a choice and a commitment. I'm committed
to my husband not because I'm "supposed" to be, but because I choose to
be. It seems to me that "Had It" never made that choice or worked
toward it, but expected it to just happen eventually.
She has a foundation of trust and friendship that helps a marriage
through the rough times. Many marriages that end in divorce rely on
sexual attraction and passion to carry them instead of friendship.
We're told that marriage is 50-50. That's not true. It's 100-100. I'm
responsible for my 100 percent, and my spouse is responsible for his.
"Had It" should take another look at what she's about to lose and tally
up the costs to her family. Is she really trapped? Or has she just been
unwilling to choose to love? -- BARBARA IN MOUNT VERNON, WASH.
DEAR BARBARA: Thank you for writing. I advised "Had It" to think long
and hard before leaving her husband, but that if she truly cannot love
him the way he deserves, she should move on. My readers' comments:
DEAR ABBY: "Had It" doesn't feel love toward her husband because she
spends her time and energy ruminating about a "mistake" she thinks she
made 20 years ago. She says he is doing everything right and they get
along fine. If she tried something positive, like reminding herself
about the qualities she likes about him, and doing things she knows
make him happy instead of fantasizing about other men, she might find
the love she craves in her marriage.
Loving feelings come from loving behavior, not the other way around.
The sooner she realizes this, the sooner she'll see that what she
really wants is right there at home with her family. And it has been
there all along. -- DR. PEGGY B.
DEAR ABBY: I have this message for "Had It": I felt like you and acted
on my feelings. Don't do it! Wait until your kids are older. As much as
you want a more intimate relationship, you cannot begin to imagine the
impact straying will have on your kids.
I deeply regret what I did and I wish someone would have told me what
I'm telling you. Pull yourself together. Think about your children,
extended family and friends. You are connected to others through your
husband, and once you pull your marriage apart, everything else falls
away, too. -- REGRETTING IT IN NEW YORK
DEAR ABBY: "Had It" is probably suffering from a case of the seven-year
itch. For some reason, people cycle in seven-year increments. Some of
them change jobs or homes, others have affairs or change spouses. She
should work through it with a counselor.
There is a lot to be said for being married to your best friend. A wise
therapist advised me to compliment my husband at least once a day. ("If
you act happy, pretty soon it won't be an act.") This was after my
first bout with the "itch" and it has been working ever since, 29
years! -- LOVING AND LAUGHING WITH MY BEST FRIEND
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
If Dear Abby had Come Out - Part II
So, apparently Twitter isn't the only one with character limitations. Sheesh!
I tried to type my response to this comment to my post from this morning in the comment section, but I was, apparently, a bit too wordy. So, as the blogger, I have the lovely power of creating a new post altogether. HA!
Here's the response I was trying to add.
Well, and I think that was certainly Abby's response, too.
But we are missing a lot of the picture here. And I could spend pages speculating possibilities, but I don't think that is necessary to do so.
While we may or may not think it is important, all that really matters is that it is important to her to share it. She's come to this conclusion through some sort of journey, and soul searching. And it is something that she wants to share, not hide. Not be alone with.
The boat is already rocked - just not necessarily the one you and Abby might recommend not rocking. She is no longer the person she once was. She is.. but she's now seen a side of herself that she hadn't acknowledged before, and now that she's acknowledged it to herself, she feels its important to share with others, too. Either way, now that she's figured this out and acknowledged it, she can't hide it - at least not from herself - anymore. And it may feel that hiding it from others is deceitful and dishonest.
And, sadly, quite a few "happily" married women still find themselves struggling with this issue - perhaps remaining monogamous, still, but nonetheless wondering...
This is why I said if I were to give her advice, I'd recommend going to the website I linked to above which is a forum for other women just like her. Including many who still remained happily married to their spouses.
And likely what she is looking for is what we all look for - a sense of belonging. I don't know that coming out - in and of itself - will help with that. But she feels some compulsion, some need, to be honest with others about who she is and who she has discovered that she is.
A lot of my bisexual friends have married men, and many of them, have firmly remained identified as bisexual BECAUSE for them it is a political statement as much as anything else. These are women who figured out who they were BEFORE they married, but nonetheless, despite an ability to blend into the crowd as the one they've ultimately chosen fits society's "norms", they still find it important to be clear that "society's norms" don't necessarily reflect the reality of the true society, and that we come, shall we say, in many flavors.
It may not be the path you would take were you to find yourself in that situation - although unless we have been there ourselves we really can't know how we would actually react - but for her, nonetheless, it is the path she has chosen to be authentic to herself. For *her* it is important.
-----
A different example. Up until recently, I have been single. And for quite some portion of the last three and a half years, I have not been really looking for or interested in "dating". I, as you know, have been doing a little bit of healing in that time. So why should I have come out in a small town where it feels, sometimes, like I'm the only lesbian in the town? When those who already knew warned me that it might not be the best idea. Why rock the boat? What did I have to gain by telling anyone I'm gay? (I know this isn't a "suddenly" situation as you refer to and as above, but it's a different situation where one could use similar logic and I use to illustrate reasons "why").
I had nothing to "gain" - I wasn't looking for anyone (just as the woman above theoretically isn't) - I could blend in as just a person simply healing from a broken marriage. Why did I need to correct the pronouns when people used "he" or "him" instead of "she" or "her"?
Because I needed to be true to who I was. No, I, personally, didn't need to go and yell it on top of a mountain. Nor does it seem she necessarily wants to do quite that. But I am in a small town where I was warned folks were small-minded, and that I might be best off keeping my sexual orientation to myself. So... NOT the same situation at all, but perhaps some of the same reasons...
Now, I apologize for ending this here (although it may be the spot to end it) but I am being called away by someone quite important, so I must end this here and hope it helps to convey my point... :)
If not, I'll come back later! :)
I tried to type my response to this comment to my post from this morning in the comment section, but I was, apparently, a bit too wordy. So, as the blogger, I have the lovely power of creating a new post altogether. HA!
Here's the response I was trying to add.
Well, and I think that was certainly Abby's response, too.
But we are missing a lot of the picture here. And I could spend pages speculating possibilities, but I don't think that is necessary to do so.
While we may or may not think it is important, all that really matters is that it is important to her to share it. She's come to this conclusion through some sort of journey, and soul searching. And it is something that she wants to share, not hide. Not be alone with.
The boat is already rocked - just not necessarily the one you and Abby might recommend not rocking. She is no longer the person she once was. She is.. but she's now seen a side of herself that she hadn't acknowledged before, and now that she's acknowledged it to herself, she feels its important to share with others, too. Either way, now that she's figured this out and acknowledged it, she can't hide it - at least not from herself - anymore. And it may feel that hiding it from others is deceitful and dishonest.
And, sadly, quite a few "happily" married women still find themselves struggling with this issue - perhaps remaining monogamous, still, but nonetheless wondering...
This is why I said if I were to give her advice, I'd recommend going to the website I linked to above which is a forum for other women just like her. Including many who still remained happily married to their spouses.
And likely what she is looking for is what we all look for - a sense of belonging. I don't know that coming out - in and of itself - will help with that. But she feels some compulsion, some need, to be honest with others about who she is and who she has discovered that she is.
A lot of my bisexual friends have married men, and many of them, have firmly remained identified as bisexual BECAUSE for them it is a political statement as much as anything else. These are women who figured out who they were BEFORE they married, but nonetheless, despite an ability to blend into the crowd as the one they've ultimately chosen fits society's "norms", they still find it important to be clear that "society's norms" don't necessarily reflect the reality of the true society, and that we come, shall we say, in many flavors.
It may not be the path you would take were you to find yourself in that situation - although unless we have been there ourselves we really can't know how we would actually react - but for her, nonetheless, it is the path she has chosen to be authentic to herself. For *her* it is important.
-----
A different example. Up until recently, I have been single. And for quite some portion of the last three and a half years, I have not been really looking for or interested in "dating". I, as you know, have been doing a little bit of healing in that time. So why should I have come out in a small town where it feels, sometimes, like I'm the only lesbian in the town? When those who already knew warned me that it might not be the best idea. Why rock the boat? What did I have to gain by telling anyone I'm gay? (I know this isn't a "suddenly" situation as you refer to and as above, but it's a different situation where one could use similar logic and I use to illustrate reasons "why").
I had nothing to "gain" - I wasn't looking for anyone (just as the woman above theoretically isn't) - I could blend in as just a person simply healing from a broken marriage. Why did I need to correct the pronouns when people used "he" or "him" instead of "she" or "her"?
Because I needed to be true to who I was. No, I, personally, didn't need to go and yell it on top of a mountain. Nor does it seem she necessarily wants to do quite that. But I am in a small town where I was warned folks were small-minded, and that I might be best off keeping my sexual orientation to myself. So... NOT the same situation at all, but perhaps some of the same reasons...
Now, I apologize for ending this here (although it may be the spot to end it) but I am being called away by someone quite important, so I must end this here and hope it helps to convey my point... :)
If not, I'll come back later! :)
If Dear Abby had Come Out....
Just reading this morning's Dear Abby, and pondering her advice to one letter writer.
The writer is a happily married woman who has been struggling with her sexuality and has come to realize that she's bisexual. She wants to be able to tell people but isn't certain how to do so. Or even whether to do so.
Abby's suggestion is to stay in the closet, but if she is going to tell anyone, to start with her husband.
A second part of her question, though, is confirming, gosh, if I haven't done anything, but I am physically attracted to women, could I be bisexual? Abby confirms that yes, indeed, she could be.
The writer poses some very interesting questions, and so does Abby's answer.
On the one hand, having witnessed several married women recognize their attractions for women, I would agree with Abby's cautionary advice in that disclosing such a piece of information might stir up unnecessary and unwanted trouble. I respect that caution, but it is also biting on me that the advice, nonetheless, is to hide something she doesn't want to hide anymore. (And not the good kind of biting, either).
If someone were to approach me with this dilemma I would do two things. The first is I'd ask her why she wanted to share and what she hopes to accomplish. To help her understand and clarify why coming out might be important to her. And the second is that I would direct the reader to an online forum a friend of mine found, and a book by its founder about married women awakening to the realization of their attraction to other women. There she will find a community of people who will understand what she is going through and who can advise her better about the risks and the rewards of any next steps she might take. Plus, it might give her a safe forum to express what she's been working on.
I am appreciative of Abby's accepting acknowledgment of this woman's sexuality; but hesitant about her advice and her ability to have the perspective necessary to offer this advice. Not that the only people qualified to give "coming out" advice are those who have come out - but unless you have gone through such awakening yourself, it is harder to understand the potential compulsion to share this aspect of your being with others. There is unquestionably risk involved - particularly given her existing monogamous relationship - and I don't disagree with Abby's caution, entirely. I just think it's more complex than that. (Of course her signature line that she's in the Deep South, certainly does suggest - perhaps unfairly - that she should consider caution!)
What do you think?
The letter and its response are below:
DEAR ABBY: After years of denial I have come to realize that I am bisexual. I'm happily married to a straight man, and we have a great marriage I wouldn't change for the world. He is my soul mate, and we plan to be together for many years to come. I just happen to be physically attracted to women, too.
Some people say I can't be bisexual if I've never been with a woman; I say they're wrong. Am I correct?
How do I deal with this in social situations? I'm afraid to put it on my social media profile for fear of a backlash from my family. I'd like my friends to know, but it doesn't feel proper to just come out and say, "I'm bi."
I was hoping some of your readers might be able to give me some input. How does one "come out" without overdoing it or coming across the wrong way? Is there a right way? Should I continue keeping it a secret?
I'm not sure what to do with my revelation. I have pondered it for some time now, and felt I could trust you to give me tactful, unbiased advice. -- BI IN THE DEEP SOUTH
DEAR B.I.T.D.S.: Bisexuality is having an attraction to people of both sexes, and yes, it is possible to be bisexual without having acted upon it.
However, being married means you are (happily) involved in a monogamous relationship. To announce that you are bisexual and/or put it on the Internet would be a mistake, in my opinion, not only because it would shock your family, but also because it might seem like you were advertising that you are "available." Unless you are promiscuous, you are not available. Most married people agree to be committed to their spouses regardless of whether they are straight, gay or bi.
If you choose to confide your diverse sexual orientation to your close friends, that is your business. But if you do, please remember that once two people know something, there's a strong likelihood of the news spreading faster than the flu.
P.S. If you do decide to divulge, be sure to tell your husband first.
The writer is a happily married woman who has been struggling with her sexuality and has come to realize that she's bisexual. She wants to be able to tell people but isn't certain how to do so. Or even whether to do so.
Abby's suggestion is to stay in the closet, but if she is going to tell anyone, to start with her husband.
A second part of her question, though, is confirming, gosh, if I haven't done anything, but I am physically attracted to women, could I be bisexual? Abby confirms that yes, indeed, she could be.
The writer poses some very interesting questions, and so does Abby's answer.
On the one hand, having witnessed several married women recognize their attractions for women, I would agree with Abby's cautionary advice in that disclosing such a piece of information might stir up unnecessary and unwanted trouble. I respect that caution, but it is also biting on me that the advice, nonetheless, is to hide something she doesn't want to hide anymore. (And not the good kind of biting, either).
If someone were to approach me with this dilemma I would do two things. The first is I'd ask her why she wanted to share and what she hopes to accomplish. To help her understand and clarify why coming out might be important to her. And the second is that I would direct the reader to an online forum a friend of mine found, and a book by its founder about married women awakening to the realization of their attraction to other women. There she will find a community of people who will understand what she is going through and who can advise her better about the risks and the rewards of any next steps she might take. Plus, it might give her a safe forum to express what she's been working on.
I am appreciative of Abby's accepting acknowledgment of this woman's sexuality; but hesitant about her advice and her ability to have the perspective necessary to offer this advice. Not that the only people qualified to give "coming out" advice are those who have come out - but unless you have gone through such awakening yourself, it is harder to understand the potential compulsion to share this aspect of your being with others. There is unquestionably risk involved - particularly given her existing monogamous relationship - and I don't disagree with Abby's caution, entirely. I just think it's more complex than that. (Of course her signature line that she's in the Deep South, certainly does suggest - perhaps unfairly - that she should consider caution!)
What do you think?
The letter and its response are below:
DEAR ABBY: After years of denial I have come to realize that I am bisexual. I'm happily married to a straight man, and we have a great marriage I wouldn't change for the world. He is my soul mate, and we plan to be together for many years to come. I just happen to be physically attracted to women, too.
Some people say I can't be bisexual if I've never been with a woman; I say they're wrong. Am I correct?
How do I deal with this in social situations? I'm afraid to put it on my social media profile for fear of a backlash from my family. I'd like my friends to know, but it doesn't feel proper to just come out and say, "I'm bi."
I was hoping some of your readers might be able to give me some input. How does one "come out" without overdoing it or coming across the wrong way? Is there a right way? Should I continue keeping it a secret?
I'm not sure what to do with my revelation. I have pondered it for some time now, and felt I could trust you to give me tactful, unbiased advice. -- BI IN THE DEEP SOUTH
DEAR B.I.T.D.S.: Bisexuality is having an attraction to people of both sexes, and yes, it is possible to be bisexual without having acted upon it.
However, being married means you are (happily) involved in a monogamous relationship. To announce that you are bisexual and/or put it on the Internet would be a mistake, in my opinion, not only because it would shock your family, but also because it might seem like you were advertising that you are "available." Unless you are promiscuous, you are not available. Most married people agree to be committed to their spouses regardless of whether they are straight, gay or bi.
If you choose to confide your diverse sexual orientation to your close friends, that is your business. But if you do, please remember that once two people know something, there's a strong likelihood of the news spreading faster than the flu.
P.S. If you do decide to divulge, be sure to tell your husband first.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Darwin...
Every once in awhile I listen to what "they" say, but I do so with a grain of salt. Because it makes "they" taste better. No, wait, that's not it...
There are a lot of theories out there about what makes people healthy and happy and prosperous and successful and whatever other good and positive adjective you might come up with.
But really, that's often all that they are - theories. Hypotheses to be tested.
As I have entered into a new relationship - ready or not - I contemplate a lot about what "they" say, and whether, actually, I am ready or not, and if it makes a difference.
Because I'll tell you something. My lady-friend (I actually hate that term, but for some reason, it seems to fit literally (as in style, not actually) in this next sentence...) My lady friend would tell you it doesn't make a difference because we belong together, and that is just that. And I'd agree with her.
So, it doesn't make a difference.
BUT... that doesn't mean it isn't fun to ponder, does it? (And yes, my lady friend might chirp in here that I need to be careful not to borrow trouble.. even if I intend to give it back)
So these "theories"...
Things like being able to be self-sustaining. About it being wrong to "need" someone else. About being a perfectly healthy complete individual before EVER contemplating a relationship.
Yeah, that kinda of bull-hockey (to quote Colonel Potter).
My lady-friend has actually read a considerable amount of my blog, including some of my particularly vulnerable posts. So, she has a pretty good idea of what she's getting into here with me. She's seen some of the baggage that I carry and that I've spent a good deal of this past year and the past three and a half years trying to unload. She knows that my ADD can cripple me at times. She knows that in some objective (ha) standard that I am not "perfect", and yet, she believes that I am perfect for her.
So what do I care what "they" say?
Frankly, for the most part, I don't.
I was thinking, though, while eating my fried eggs for "breakfast" (at 3:30ish PM) about Darwin. And I think one of the reasons that our species has managed to survive, frankly, is that we DO work together. That we are not simply out there as lone wolves trying to do everything ourselves. That the division of labor - whether it was sexist or not - was so that we could do what we needed TOGETHER to thrive and move forward. That it's a lot for each of us to go out, kill the meal, gather the fruits and grains, prepare the meal AND clean up afterwards. That it is easier for us to thrive and to have time to do more than just survive if we do it together.
Because if you'll recall from my past posts, one of my goals this past year is to move beyond just surviving, and move into thriving. And I just don't think it's easy for us to do that alone. Perhaps it is possible. But that's a lot of work for a single person to do all by themselves.
So, even if you don't believe in all the religious crap that God intended us to be in pairs, and such, even just the basic theory of survival suggests, nay, seems to require, that we work together. That we be together.
So, .. if I were to listen, closely, to what "they" say, it seems quite clear that "they" say we should be together. Because it is much easier to do this together, than to do this alone. And I feel blessed to have found someone who wants to do this with me.
Happy New Year, folks! May 2013 be full of blessings and happiness! Let's work together. After all, we are a collective. Resistance is futile. ;) If you've learned nothing this year, as loyal readers, you should have learned that.. ;)
There are a lot of theories out there about what makes people healthy and happy and prosperous and successful and whatever other good and positive adjective you might come up with.
But really, that's often all that they are - theories. Hypotheses to be tested.
As I have entered into a new relationship - ready or not - I contemplate a lot about what "they" say, and whether, actually, I am ready or not, and if it makes a difference.
Because I'll tell you something. My lady-friend (I actually hate that term, but for some reason, it seems to fit literally (as in style, not actually) in this next sentence...) My lady friend would tell you it doesn't make a difference because we belong together, and that is just that. And I'd agree with her.
So, it doesn't make a difference.
BUT... that doesn't mean it isn't fun to ponder, does it? (And yes, my lady friend might chirp in here that I need to be careful not to borrow trouble.. even if I intend to give it back)
So these "theories"...
Things like being able to be self-sustaining. About it being wrong to "need" someone else. About being a perfectly healthy complete individual before EVER contemplating a relationship.
Yeah, that kinda of bull-hockey (to quote Colonel Potter).
My lady-friend has actually read a considerable amount of my blog, including some of my particularly vulnerable posts. So, she has a pretty good idea of what she's getting into here with me. She's seen some of the baggage that I carry and that I've spent a good deal of this past year and the past three and a half years trying to unload. She knows that my ADD can cripple me at times. She knows that in some objective (ha) standard that I am not "perfect", and yet, she believes that I am perfect for her.
So what do I care what "they" say?
Frankly, for the most part, I don't.
I was thinking, though, while eating my fried eggs for "breakfast" (at 3:30ish PM) about Darwin. And I think one of the reasons that our species has managed to survive, frankly, is that we DO work together. That we are not simply out there as lone wolves trying to do everything ourselves. That the division of labor - whether it was sexist or not - was so that we could do what we needed TOGETHER to thrive and move forward. That it's a lot for each of us to go out, kill the meal, gather the fruits and grains, prepare the meal AND clean up afterwards. That it is easier for us to thrive and to have time to do more than just survive if we do it together.
Because if you'll recall from my past posts, one of my goals this past year is to move beyond just surviving, and move into thriving. And I just don't think it's easy for us to do that alone. Perhaps it is possible. But that's a lot of work for a single person to do all by themselves.
So, even if you don't believe in all the religious crap that God intended us to be in pairs, and such, even just the basic theory of survival suggests, nay, seems to require, that we work together. That we be together.
So, .. if I were to listen, closely, to what "they" say, it seems quite clear that "they" say we should be together. Because it is much easier to do this together, than to do this alone. And I feel blessed to have found someone who wants to do this with me.
Happy New Year, folks! May 2013 be full of blessings and happiness! Let's work together. After all, we are a collective. Resistance is futile. ;) If you've learned nothing this year, as loyal readers, you should have learned that.. ;)
Monday, December 31, 2012
Requirements
So a little over a year ago, I began composing a list of "requirements" for a potential romantic partner. A reminder, before putting on the hormone-goggles, of what is important to me in a relationship and in a person I want to share even just a part of my life with.
The good news - and not the subject of this blog post - is that my new love not only meets, but she exceeds these requirements. By far! In fact, every once in awhile she'll do something surprising that makes me say, "Y'know, that should have been on my list, too..."
But she is not what this post is about.
The list was a combination of practical matters, values, and attitudes towards life. In hindsight some of the "practical matters" were really just examples of a larger quality - an ability to be flexible, for example, rather than rigid specific requirements in and of themselves.
But one of the qualities I am beginning to realize I need from more than just my romantic partner.
I recognize we all feel blue sometimes - I felt depressed for a considerable amount of the last three and a half years - and we all have things that don't go the way that we'd like. We all have room for complaint. But what I need in my life, and need to surround myself, are people who have room for happiness. This doesn't mean someone who is bubbly and happy all the time - because let's face it, often those people we want to shoot* - but someone who despite everything that might seem to go wrong, will still allow themselves to be happy. To recognize life's blessings and be grateful for what he or she has and not simply what might seem to be missing.
I want the people I care about to experience happiness - I want them to just be happy - but I recognize that while I can make someone happy (for a moment), as a general rule, I can't if they won't allow themselves to be. I spent too much time and energy trying to create an environment in which the ex-wife could feel happy and secure, but it never worked because she wouldn't allow herself to be happy.
The great news is that my new love allows herself to be happy. In fact she's currently one of those bubbly people who is happy all the time! And I love that about her. It isn't that her life is perfect - from an objective standpoint, it's not, she has challenges - but she is happy with what she has, and that makes it perfect. I am very blessed. Having someone to share my life with who can allow themselves to be happy is essential for me.
And now, I have come to realize, it is essential to me for more than just my romantic partner. It is also important for me to see and have in the people with whom I surround myself. You can whine, you can cry on my shoulder, you can be having a crappy time of it in life and tell me about it. But if you can't also accept the inverse, the possibility of being happy, the possibility of being blessed, of noticing that the cup isn't JUST half empty, then I am going to start to keep my distance from you. I don't need you to be happy all the time. I don't need you to be happy. But I need you to recognize the possibility of happy - and if you can't, you have my compassion, you can have my time during crisis, but you can't have my continued presence on a regular basis in your life. I need more from you. You should want more for you. And until then... I wish you only the best.
If I were to have a resolution, I guess, for the New Year, this would be it.. to surround myself with people who allow for the possibility of being happy.
* I admit in light of current events, this is perhaps not the most sensitive expression, and yet... I mean it is as an expression, not as any literal desire or interest in TRULY ...
The good news - and not the subject of this blog post - is that my new love not only meets, but she exceeds these requirements. By far! In fact, every once in awhile she'll do something surprising that makes me say, "Y'know, that should have been on my list, too..."
But she is not what this post is about.
The list was a combination of practical matters, values, and attitudes towards life. In hindsight some of the "practical matters" were really just examples of a larger quality - an ability to be flexible, for example, rather than rigid specific requirements in and of themselves.
But one of the qualities I am beginning to realize I need from more than just my romantic partner.
I recognize we all feel blue sometimes - I felt depressed for a considerable amount of the last three and a half years - and we all have things that don't go the way that we'd like. We all have room for complaint. But what I need in my life, and need to surround myself, are people who have room for happiness. This doesn't mean someone who is bubbly and happy all the time - because let's face it, often those people we want to shoot* - but someone who despite everything that might seem to go wrong, will still allow themselves to be happy. To recognize life's blessings and be grateful for what he or she has and not simply what might seem to be missing.
I want the people I care about to experience happiness - I want them to just be happy - but I recognize that while I can make someone happy (for a moment), as a general rule, I can't if they won't allow themselves to be. I spent too much time and energy trying to create an environment in which the ex-wife could feel happy and secure, but it never worked because she wouldn't allow herself to be happy.
The great news is that my new love allows herself to be happy. In fact she's currently one of those bubbly people who is happy all the time! And I love that about her. It isn't that her life is perfect - from an objective standpoint, it's not, she has challenges - but she is happy with what she has, and that makes it perfect. I am very blessed. Having someone to share my life with who can allow themselves to be happy is essential for me.
And now, I have come to realize, it is essential to me for more than just my romantic partner. It is also important for me to see and have in the people with whom I surround myself. You can whine, you can cry on my shoulder, you can be having a crappy time of it in life and tell me about it. But if you can't also accept the inverse, the possibility of being happy, the possibility of being blessed, of noticing that the cup isn't JUST half empty, then I am going to start to keep my distance from you. I don't need you to be happy all the time. I don't need you to be happy. But I need you to recognize the possibility of happy - and if you can't, you have my compassion, you can have my time during crisis, but you can't have my continued presence on a regular basis in your life. I need more from you. You should want more for you. And until then... I wish you only the best.
If I were to have a resolution, I guess, for the New Year, this would be it.. to surround myself with people who allow for the possibility of being happy.
* I admit in light of current events, this is perhaps not the most sensitive expression, and yet... I mean it is as an expression, not as any literal desire or interest in TRULY ...
Saturday, December 29, 2012
So who am I? Edited and Reposted
I wrote the following post as my third post back in February when I began this blog. And I have used it as my referring link in my Twitter account
The problem I have is for those of you who have been reading recently, #4 isn't true anymore. I've re-read the post, and otherwise, find it to be fairly good and on target. At least for now. At least until I manage to be with my love full time, then a few of those other items down there will change, too. So, I've edited that. And I'm reposting as new. So I can have a new link to put on my Twitter account.
I am pleased - I will briefly remark - in re-reading through it, how well this managed to capture what my blog has become, so I have also linked it up to a few key posts relative to several of these (until I grew bored - see 21. I have / am ADD). If you haven't read it in awhile, re-read and remember... ;)
Believe me, I have thought about saying, I am the Borg. I have assimilated and the purpose of this blog is to assimilate you.
But that isn't true.
Or is it?
As I made the epic decision to try to do another blog (this is not my first anonymous blog, but hopefully it will be the one I stick with and the one that goes viral), I made this list in my head of all the things about me I needed to tell you. And I dramatically decided at the end, I would end it with "I am you." But I'm not.
Or I hope I'm not.
It's fun to find like-minded folks, and I hope to attract a lot of like-minded folks. But I doubt that there is someone who is as unique as me and who likes EVERYTHING that I do. I could be wrong.
I'm probably wrong.
But the reality is if you become a fan of this blog you will like a portion of the things I like and not necessarily all. My challenge will be to still keep you interested even when I'm talking about a subject you really don't care about.
So who am I?
Okay. Before I give you the list, I'll have to admit a bit of my neuroses. First, I wrote a list that I will qualify and say is not comprehensive. Then, afraid that the order in which I wrote things might suggest a priority in how I identify myself, I took the list that I had written as a stream of consciousness and then used an Excel formula for random numbers to order the list. #3 on the list is Geek.
Some of this list may make sense to no-one but me. But each one is worthy of its own post. If you want to know more, find the post.
1. I have a geographically diverse background
2. I live under a rock.
3. I am a geek.
4. I am currently single.
5. Zen is Borg and I love the Dalai Lama
6. I like country music.
7. I am a mystery / legal thriller fan.
8. I watch way too much television.
9. I love deeply.
10. I am active in my church. (And this post provides a bit of an update)
11. I have a diverse working background.
12. I am a soccer coach.
13. I am a wee bit narsissitic - at least to the extent you need to be to write a blog.
14. I live alone.
15. I am a dyke.
16. I live in a small town.
17. I live in a poor part of town.
18. I watch a lot of Hulu.
19. I am an iPhone, Facebook and PC user, but I have owned a Mac, too.
20. I love the Superbowl for the commercials. (I imagine after the Superbowl has actually played since I've become a blogger, I'll have a post about this, too... Half tempted to just post some links to my favorite commercials!)
21. I have/am ADD.
22. I enjoy Texts From Last Night, Idiot Runner, The Bloggess, FlyLady, George Takei and advice columnists.
23. I love to line dance.
24. I am neither politically correct or incorrect. I just am. I do not belong to a political party, either. I am registered as an independent. (This wouldn't be complete without a link to this post, too)
This is by no means comprehensive, but gives you a brief introduction. Interested? Read on. Tell your friends. Leave me comments. Adore me. Assimillate.
Resistance is futile.
The problem I have is for those of you who have been reading recently, #4 isn't true anymore. I've re-read the post, and otherwise, find it to be fairly good and on target. At least for now. At least until I manage to be with my love full time, then a few of those other items down there will change, too. So, I've edited that. And I'm reposting as new. So I can have a new link to put on my Twitter account.
I am pleased - I will briefly remark - in re-reading through it, how well this managed to capture what my blog has become, so I have also linked it up to a few key posts relative to several of these (until I grew bored - see 21. I have / am ADD). If you haven't read it in awhile, re-read and remember... ;)
**************
Believe me, I have thought about saying, I am the Borg. I have assimilated and the purpose of this blog is to assimilate you.
But that isn't true.
Or is it?
As I made the epic decision to try to do another blog (this is not my first anonymous blog, but hopefully it will be the one I stick with and the one that goes viral), I made this list in my head of all the things about me I needed to tell you. And I dramatically decided at the end, I would end it with "I am you." But I'm not.
Or I hope I'm not.
It's fun to find like-minded folks, and I hope to attract a lot of like-minded folks. But I doubt that there is someone who is as unique as me and who likes EVERYTHING that I do. I could be wrong.
I'm probably wrong.
But the reality is if you become a fan of this blog you will like a portion of the things I like and not necessarily all. My challenge will be to still keep you interested even when I'm talking about a subject you really don't care about.
So who am I?
Okay. Before I give you the list, I'll have to admit a bit of my neuroses. First, I wrote a list that I will qualify and say is not comprehensive. Then, afraid that the order in which I wrote things might suggest a priority in how I identify myself, I took the list that I had written as a stream of consciousness and then used an Excel formula for random numbers to order the list. #3 on the list is Geek.
Some of this list may make sense to no-one but me. But each one is worthy of its own post. If you want to know more, find the post.
1. I have a geographically diverse background
2. I live under a rock.
3. I am a geek.
5. Zen is Borg and I love the Dalai Lama
6. I like country music.
7. I am a mystery / legal thriller fan.
8. I watch way too much television.
9. I love deeply.
10. I am active in my church. (And this post provides a bit of an update)
11. I have a diverse working background.
12. I am a soccer coach.
13. I am a wee bit narsissitic - at least to the extent you need to be to write a blog.
14. I live alone.
15. I am a dyke.
16. I live in a small town.
17. I live in a poor part of town.
18. I watch a lot of Hulu.
19. I am an iPhone, Facebook and PC user, but I have owned a Mac, too.
20. I love the Superbowl for the commercials. (I imagine after the Superbowl has actually played since I've become a blogger, I'll have a post about this, too... Half tempted to just post some links to my favorite commercials!)
21. I have/am ADD.
22. I enjoy Texts From Last Night, Idiot Runner, The Bloggess, FlyLady, George Takei and advice columnists.
23. I love to line dance.
24. I am neither politically correct or incorrect. I just am. I do not belong to a political party, either. I am registered as an independent. (This wouldn't be complete without a link to this post, too)
This is by no means comprehensive, but gives you a brief introduction. Interested? Read on. Tell your friends. Leave me comments. Adore me. Assimillate.
Resistance is futile.
Love Letters...
There comes a point in a relationship when you begin to develop your own language.. your own inside jokes.. your own words that have their own meaning.
And it is then, apparently, that you can write marvelous public love letters without anyone else necessarily suspecting a thing...
This morning, apparently, I am in the love letter writing mood....
I will NOT share our language with you...
But I know that everywhere she looks, she will find my love letters to her...
I spread them like bread crumbs, and she for me...
Even this silly blog entry, we both know, is a love letter...
As she would say, I'm a goof. And as I would say to her, "I am - but I am YOUR goof"...
You may now gag and resume your regular activities now... ;)
And it is then, apparently, that you can write marvelous public love letters without anyone else necessarily suspecting a thing...
This morning, apparently, I am in the love letter writing mood....
I will NOT share our language with you...
But I know that everywhere she looks, she will find my love letters to her...
I spread them like bread crumbs, and she for me...
Even this silly blog entry, we both know, is a love letter...
As she would say, I'm a goof. And as I would say to her, "I am - but I am YOUR goof"...
You may now gag and resume your regular activities now... ;)
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