.. so after I wrote the short post on Answers, I started another post called "I'm a bitch". It is true. Sometimes I can be...
It was a post, apparently, though in gestation, not quite ready yet to be born.
I'm not sure it is, yet, but I'll let my fingers give it a try, and if you're reading this, well, then, I guess I thought it was "good enough". Hee hee...
Ever have a disagreement or a grumble with someone close to you - in this case, more generally, a friend - and just want to say "Fuck 'em... I'm done"? Or more accurately and comprehensively, "I'm done with people..."?
Or, more fun, and probably more accurate, a series of grumbles with a series of people...
... and, that, unfortunately, is when you have to look in the mirror and ask / wonder if it is yourself. If you are, indeed, a bitch.
But let's face it. None of us is perfect. We all have our bitchy moments. And ideally, in our non-bitchy moments, we have shown something to others to suggest that our value is worth overlooking those moments of bitchiness.
There is a fine line between expecting everyone to accept you the way you are, and love you the way you are without having to change and bend yourself into being a pretzel to be accepted and loved, and then using that "People should love me the way I am" as a hammer or a bludgeon to entitle you to act like a bitch.
There was someone I've met in the last six months - virtually - who very much had a huge chip on her shoulder, and basically felt that if someone else was worthy, they'd love them just the way that they were. On the very first day she and I interacted, though, she went postal on me. Then, later, apologized if she offended, and gosh, gees, she was getting her period, and by the way, why are you so sensitive?
I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, and didn't block her after that, although I was tempted and every warning in me said to run. And sure enough, it happened again. I wasn't as invested, and it didn't take me by surprise, and I was better able to stand my own ground and call her on her behavior. "Gees, why are you so sensitive?" and "You attacked me". Um, no, I merely disagreed with what you said. I can do that, ideally, and you should be strong enough? secure enough? to understand that simply because I don't agree with everything you believe doesn't mean I am attacking you....
She was tiring, after a while... (Heck, who am I kidding? She was tiring immediately), and eventually, I moved on and blocked her.
It is Twitter, after all. There are definitely plenty of fish in the sea.
This was several months ago, and it is easier and safer to talk about her and her behavior to illustrate these general principles than to look inward to see if I, now, am being the bitch.
And I probably am. Now, before you get all supportive and wonderful and tell me how sweet I am below (which, well, go ahead, and do... I won't mind, I guess! ;) ).. you don't have to live with me day-to-day. You don't have to deal with my irrational moments, which feel pretty damn rational to me, damnit. You may see me stick my head in the sand, but as virtual strangers / friends you can just keep on walking and ignore me. Those whom I have lured into the trap of friendship are not as easily able to ignore me.
'Cuz I can whine.
I can be grumpy.
I can be childish.
I can throw a damn good tantrum.
I can get snippish, snappish, snarky, and sarcastic.
I can be mean.
And, when I step back, I know that some of this behavior is no different than when done by a child. I am seeking attention by any means necessary, and since the good attention may not seem to be flowing at the moment, I guess I seek bad attention, too.
No, I don't take crayons to walls. I haven't done that since I was ten. Besides, none of you have to live within my walls, anyway, so none of you would notice, and it wouldn't get any of that attention.
But I do crave attention. Oh, so much.
Okay. So that isn't news. And I'm not alone. And wait, you want attention, too?
Oh, us humans. We can be so much fun, can't we?
All I want is for you to love me, notice me, care for me, nurture me... be with me... If you must, you can even call me George..
Is that so much to ask?
Yeah, that's what I was afraid of....
... apparently, that might be why I can be a bitch.
P.S. If you're here from the Bloggess, check out my post Welcome Lawsbians to learn a little about my tenuous
connection to Jenny! ;)