Requirements

So a little over a year ago, I began composing a list of "requirements" for a potential romantic partner.  A reminder, before putting on the hormone-goggles, of what is important to me in a relationship and in a person I want to share even just a part of my life with.

The good news - and not the subject of this blog post - is that my new love not only meets, but she exceeds these requirements.  By far!  In fact, every once in awhile she'll do something surprising that makes me say, "Y'know, that should have been on my list, too..."

But she is not what this post is about.

The list was a combination of practical matters, values, and attitudes towards life.  In hindsight some of the "practical matters" were really just examples of a larger quality - an ability to be flexible, for example, rather than rigid specific requirements in and of themselves. 

But one of the qualities I am beginning to realize I need from more than just my romantic partner. 

I recognize we all feel blue sometimes - I felt depressed for a considerable amount of the last three and a half years - and we all have things that don't go the way that we'd like.  We all have room for complaint.  But what I need in my life, and need to surround myself, are people who have room for happiness.  This doesn't mean someone who is bubbly and happy all the time - because let's face it, often those people we want to shoot* - but someone who despite everything that might seem to go wrong, will still allow themselves to be happy. To recognize life's blessings and be grateful for what he or she has and not simply what might seem to be missing.

I want the people I care about to experience happiness - I want them to just be happy - but I recognize that while I can make someone happy (for a moment), as a general rule, I can't if they won't allow themselves to be.  I spent too much time and energy trying to create an environment in which the ex-wife could feel happy and secure, but it never worked because she wouldn't allow herself to be happy.

The great news is that my new love allows herself to be happy.  In fact she's currently one of those bubbly people who is happy all the time! And I love that about her.  It isn't that her life is perfect - from an objective standpoint, it's not, she has challenges - but she is happy with what she has, and that makes it perfect.  I am very blessed.  Having someone to share my life with who can allow themselves to be happy is essential for me. 

And now, I have come to realize, it is essential to me for more than just my romantic partner.  It is also important for me to see and have in the people with whom I surround myself.  You can whine, you can cry on my shoulder, you can be having a crappy time of it in life and tell me about it.  But if you can't also accept the inverse, the possibility of being happy, the possibility of being blessed, of noticing that the cup isn't JUST half empty, then I am going to start to keep my distance from you.  I don't need you to be happy all the time.  I don't need you to be happy. But I need you to recognize the possibility of happy - and if you can't, you have my compassion, you can have my time during crisis, but you can't have my continued presence on a regular basis in your life.  I need more from you.  You should want more for you.  And until then... I wish you only the best. 

If I were to have a resolution, I guess, for the New Year, this would be it.. to surround myself with people who allow for the possibility of being happy. 



* I admit in light of current events, this is perhaps not the most sensitive expression, and yet... I mean it is as an expression, not as any literal desire or interest in TRULY ...

So who am I? Edited and Reposted

I wrote the following post as my third post back in February when I began this blog.  And I have used it as my referring link in my Twitter account

The problem I have is for those of you who have been reading recently, #4 isn't true anymore.  I've re-read the post, and otherwise, find it to be fairly good and on target.  At least for now.  At least until I manage to be with my love full time, then a few of those other items down there will change, too.  So, I've edited that.  And I'm reposting as new.  So I can have a new link to put on my Twitter account. 

I am pleased - I will briefly remark - in re-reading through it, how well this managed to capture what my blog has become, so I have also linked it up to a few key posts relative to several of these (until I grew bored - see 21. I have / am ADD).  If you haven't read it in awhile, re-read and remember... ;)

**************

Believe me, I have thought about saying, I am the Borg. I have assimilated and the purpose of this blog is to assimilate you.

But that isn't true.

Or is it?

As I made the epic decision to try to do another blog (this is not my first anonymous blog, but hopefully it will be the one I stick with and the one that goes viral), I made this list in my head of all the things about me I needed to tell you. And I dramatically decided at the end, I would end it with "I am you." But I'm not.

Or I hope I'm not.

It's fun to find like-minded folks, and I hope to attract a lot of like-minded folks. But I doubt that there is someone who is as unique as me and who likes EVERYTHING that I do. I could be wrong.

I'm probably wrong.

But the reality is if you become a fan of this blog you will like a portion of the things I like and not necessarily all. My challenge will be to still keep you interested even when I'm talking about a subject you really don't care about.

So who am I?

Okay. Before I give you the list, I'll have to admit a bit of my neuroses. First, I wrote a list that I will qualify and say is not comprehensive. Then, afraid that the order in which I wrote things might suggest a priority in how I identify myself, I took the list that I had written as a stream of consciousness and then used an Excel formula for random numbers to order the list. #3 on the list is Geek.

Some of this list may make sense to no-one but me. But each one is worthy of its own post. If you want to know more, find the post.

1. I have a geographically diverse background
2. I live under a rock.
3. I am a geek.
4. I am currently single.
5. Zen is Borg and I love the Dalai Lama
6. I like country music.
7. I am a mystery / legal thriller fan.
8. I watch way too much television.
9. I love deeply.
10. I am active in my church. (And this post provides a bit of an update)
11. I have a diverse working background.
12. I am a soccer coach.
13. I am a wee bit narsissitic - at least to the extent you need to be to write a blog.
14. I live alone.
15. I am a dyke.
16. I live in a small town.
17. I live in a poor part of town.
18. I watch a lot of Hulu.
19. I am an iPhone, Facebook and PC user, but I have owned a Mac, too.
20. I love the Superbowl for the commercials. (I imagine after the Superbowl has actually played since I've become a blogger, I'll have a post about this, too... Half tempted to just post some links to my favorite commercials!)
21. I have/am ADD.
22. I enjoy Texts From Last Night, Idiot Runner, The Bloggess, FlyLady, George Takei and advice columnists.
23. I love to line dance.
24. I am neither politically correct or incorrect. I just am. I do not belong to a political party, either. I am registered as an independent. (This wouldn't be complete without a link to this post, too)

This is by no means comprehensive, but gives you a brief introduction. Interested? Read on. Tell your friends. Leave me comments. Adore me. Assimillate.

Resistance is futile.

Love Letters...

There comes a point in a relationship when you begin to develop your own language.. your own inside jokes.. your own words that have their own meaning.

And it is then, apparently, that you can write marvelous public love letters without anyone else necessarily suspecting a thing...

This morning, apparently, I am in the love letter writing mood....

I will NOT share our language with you...

But I know that everywhere she looks, she will find my love letters to her...

I spread them like bread crumbs, and she for me...

Even this silly blog entry, we both know, is a love letter...

As she would say, I'm a goof. And as I would say to her, "I am - but I am YOUR goof"...

You may now gag and resume your regular activities now... ;)

To The Hostess with the Mostest

A true bonafide text conversation last night:

Her:  You going to #wineparty?

Me:  No.

Me: You?

Her:  Nope

Me:  Didn't think so...

Her:  I found my soul at that party.

Her:  That was its purpose.

Me:  Yep.  Me, too!

Her:  I almost wanna tell Kit

It's been awhile since I've been on #wineparty.  But I must take a moment to thank our hostess for introducing me to a wonderful woman, with whom I have fallen deeply in love, and she with me.  Consider this our #wineparty confession...

Energy....

There is an energy that exists amongst us all, at varying levels, connecting us to each other.  Whether it's the spirits of souls who have passed, God, or some other technological explanation, I firmly believe there is an energy which connects each of us.

And I think that love acts as a magnifier, an enhancer.  That when you love someone, the energy becomes stronger, clearer, and connects you even further.. magnifying the energy, and magnifying the love.

It's that connection you hear about between twins... That feeling you get when something happens to your other half. 

It is that connection that gives you that nudge sometimes to reach out to someone you may not have reached out to in awhile.

My 77-year old significant other, for example, went into the hospital the day before Christmas eve.  Her asthma was bothering her more, and it turned out she had pneumonia.  There we were waiting in the ER that Sunday afternoon for them to prepare her room to check her in, and her cell phone rings.  It's a friend, Nancy, whom she hadn't heard from in awhile, and even after they got off the phone, she kept remarking how ironic the timing was for Nancy to have called.  How dear a friend she's been, and how great it was to receive her call.

Somewhere that energy was at work between the two of them.  Somehow, Nancy got the message and knew to reach out and just that moment.

Now I'm not saying it always works all the time.  But I do think it exists.  I do think we need to listen, sometimes, to those little messages we get.  And take time to reconnect with those whom our energy still connects us. 

Insomnia - My Old Friend

I apparently have anything BUT a regular sleep schedule lately.  Says the girl typing at 3:50 AM.

I have had days where I sleep from 1 - 5 every day, twice a day.  Days where I wake up every two hours, and fortunately drift back to sleep.  Naps so deep that when I wake I am completely disoriented as to what day it is let alone what time of day it is. 

For the most part, I don't spend my days dragging, although I have come home from lunch for an afternoon nap or two on occasion.  So I guess I have to hope that my body is getting the sleep it needs.... even if it needs it, or takes it, at some strange hours. 

I had a friend in college - who I was quite jealous of because of this fact - who literally only needed and only got four hours of sleep  day.  I mean imagine how much work you could get done (because in college I still thought it was important to get work done) if you could stay up studying until 2 AM, and be back awake again at 6 AM?? I mean wow! 

Be careful what you wish for, folks! ;)

But tonight's insomnia, I'm fairly certain, is brought to me by the letter 'H' as in Holidays.  As you may recall, some of my family is coming to visit.  Woo hoo.. Oh, wait.  No.  Fortunately, I live practically across the street from the Mall where there's a hotel where they will stay so I don't have to have them stay literally in my house.

Because, apparently, I'm angsting over that. 

I actually live in a fairly nice sized space for a single person.  I lucked out in the housing department when I finally got to have my own space again after a year of living in various other people's homes after fleeing my own home of a decade.  I live in a stand-alone house, that actually has copious amounts of space, that I have managed to expand into.  Much more than I ever needed.  It's a two-bedroom home, and the front bedroom is essentially a storage area (read junk room/pretend-office) and the back bedroom is actually 15 foot wide, so large enough to not only have a sleeping area, but also to have a sitting area, too.  The bathroom is ridiculously huge, and the kitchen is fairly large, although limited counter space, too.  And I am blessed with an extra back room - which I've thought of as a mud room / pantry until I got a washer / dryer given to me this past year, and now it's the mud room / pantry / laundry room.  No dining room in the house, but there is a living room. 

It's a lot of space for one person, which has been nice.  Some of the apartments I looked at before I found the house were a lot cozier, including one place which was essentially three rooms, no doors, in a row - the living room area, connected to the bedroom in the middle, with the kitchen on the opposite side.  So, if I had had company, they would have to traipse through my bedroom area to get to the kitchen, which I didn't like particularly much.  Plus the rooms were small, and the landlord mentioned that he thought the woman next door on the same floor might have a lot of paid evening guests. 

The next place would have been nice if I were about, oh, say, a foot taller.  There was no air conditioning, and the windows that could open were all situated quite high on the walls- difficult for me to open to get any kind of cross-breeze going.  It was two bedrooms, but that was it - two bedrooms and a kitchen.  And in the kitchen, again, apartment was designed for a giant, I seriously seriously would not have been able to reach them without a step stool.  I may have been able to access the bottom shelf of them, but I'm not sure even that. 

I have lived in a house for a good deal of my life - although I have lived in an apartment, too.  I admit, I prefer not sharing walls with others because you have the illusion, at least, that you can be louder.  One twitter friend complains regularly about the boy who lives under her and the noise he makes.  I can make considerable noise here - even vacuum in the middle of the night - and not worry about waking anyone or bothering anyone. 

The yard here leaves a LOT to be desired.  Some of that is my fault, because I never seem to have a working lawnmower.  As soon as someone gives me theirs that I have been borrowing, it no longer seems to work.  (Seriously, has happened more than once!).  But it is also quite uneven, and there are a lot of dips and holes and places waiting for me to sprain my ankle.  Always an exciting prospect when you have no health insurance. 

But here's the thing about my house.  It's furnished somewhat sparingly for one.  It is in many ways like a large master bedroom suite.  There is plenty of wonderful space for ME to be comfortable.  But not enough space to really share with anyone else or to entertain.  So I don't.  No-one even tries to come into my house, and I've grown quite comfortable with that.  Perhaps a bit too comfortable, but comfortable nonetheless. 

My house is furnished with cast-aways and give-aways from folks from my church.  The bed I sleep on was someone else's guest bedroom bed that they decided to replace right around the time I was moving in.  The frame is off because there's a metal part that sticks out that I can't figure out how to make go in.  It's pretty basic - nothing more than the metal support frame.  I have two dressers from a friend who left the country and just returned (and wants one back?), and a nice oversized chair in the bedroom from a friend whose wife didn't agree with his purchase. 

In the living room, there is a love-seat sized couch - two people can sit on it cozily - and a setee  that I was basically storing for the friend who had left the country for a year.  It smells (faintly now) of cat piss, and I don't recommend it as a place for anyone to rest upon.  But my friend has apparently grown immune to the smell, and so for her, it is a lovely piece from her house that she will want returned (I keep hoping) some day. 

So, if I invite the folks in, I have no place for them to sit comfortably to stay and hang.  There is not enough room for a tree - I have a fairly pathetic desktop tree that makes Charlie Brown's Christmas tree look lush.  No place to hang the stockings - although I do have one, and just received another last night at a party.  There is no television in my house - no TV to watch any games on or any Christmas specials or even movies on DVD.  I watch all my stuff on my computer.

Then there's the subject of Christmas dinner.  I have had several friends ask me or comment upon how I'll now be responsible for Christmas dinner.  To which I reply to them, I don't think so.  I purchased a small 2' diameter (maybe four foot, but 2' width when the "leaves" are down) table for my kitchen with two little stools from Wal*Mart after living here for six months.  There is no room for more than two to eat. 

Plus, it isn't as if I am much of a cook. 

So, I am having a little angst.  I did manage to keep from inviting them in their last visit without much trouble or awkwardness at all - and frankly, I'm hoping for a repeat of that.  Because my living space is designed for one, or perhaps one + one guest.  It works for me.  But it doesn't work in this kind of setting.

My opinion, generally, is that they invited themselves - they shouldn't expect me to do these things, and for the most part I think that's a pretty reasonable opinion, and in line with their expectations.  On Christmas day, I am planning a Jewish Christmas with a friend of mine (who is Jewish, of course) where we will have Chinese food and see a movie.  On Christmas Eve, they will be forced to go to my church. :)  That solves the Christmas dinner issue. 

But my fear - perhaps unwarranted, since last time they were so accomodating and didn't look for an invite in - is that by NOT inviting them in, they will think I am hiding something.  And maybe I am - I do feel protective over my space, even though it doesn't entirely reflect me since I've only spent money on the kitchen table, the refrigerator and a set of shelves for the pantry, and everything else was given to me and fit in where it could.  I have three desks in three different rooms!  None of which have chairs with which to sit at.  I don't want them to judge my ability to thrive based upon my living space, because it may not send the message that I have healed and recovered well enough for their standards.  They already wonder what I'm doing in this small town... and even offered unsolicited this past month to move me some place else. 

They are well meaning.

But they are giving me insomnia.   And forcing me to write long rambling posts (because usually my posts are so short and pithy.. ;) ) Bleah...

(And why am I NOT surprised that I already have a label on the side for Insomnia..? Ah, my old friend... we spend too much time together..)

Miss me?

See? I wasn't gone so long...

So, one of the things I'm struggling with is how to tell people in real life. 

Mostly, at the end of the day, I'm not worried about it. 

But here's some of the deal.  Most of the people in real life don't know that I'm on Twitter.  They certainly don't know that I have a blog (that whole Jenga-thing).  And my last relationship that they knew about - the ten year marriage - kinda ended badly. 

I have begun to tell a few people, so I have an early taste of the questions that will be raised. 

Oh, you met her online, was it on a dating site?  Um, no.  Fortunately, that was an individual whom I had told about my blog.  Unfortunately it was at lunch with someone else that I *hadn't* yet told about my blog...

Then there's the question of the distance.  What were the odds that I would meet someone even semi-local?  Particularly when I was trying to hide who I am and where I live?  Slim-to-none. She is NOT local.  She is at a distance.  So.... where do you see this going?  Are you moving? Is she coming here?  (Or from those who would also be out of town, is she coming *there*?)

And at some level, those questions are premature.  Not that they haven't been discussed between us, and not that we don't have our own thoughts about it.  But then to share those with others when it's still so new, well... it's premature.  And for some reason, I don't think the old joke about what a lesbian brings on the second date would be found too funny by others - although I think it's hysterical.  (The answer? A U-Haul).

Many of the people that matter aren't here, locally.  So it isn't something that can just be brought up in casual conversation.  And for the people who are here, there is an understandable fear (which is sweet) that I might leave.  Because I might. 

It takes people in a small town awhile to let new people - strangers - in.  There isn't a huge transitional population here, like in some places such as San Francisco.  And yes, there is a fear of letting them in, because they don't have the attachments, and they might leave.  (Kinda the dog chasing it's tail kinda conundrum)  (The word of the day, by the way, is Conundrum). 

So now they've let me in.  I didn't leave when my best friend who invited me here in the first place left two years ago.  They've even asked me to lead them.  And I'm gonna tell them that I might leave?  Yeah, that's nice, Borg.  Real nice. 

Long distance relationships have evolved significantly thanks to technology than they were when I was last in one.  With texting, it is possible to be at a moment's reach away to share something.  Love letters don't take weeks to arrive when they're sent by e-mail.  (Apparently, they DO still take weeks when they are sent by snail-mail..).  Long distance is no longer as expensive, if not free.  Video chats.  There are many more ways to become and remain connected than there were when I was in love with my first love and we were long distance. 

Unfortunately, while they have developed the "communicator" from the original Star Trek, they still need to develop the transporter.

I am happy and want to share my happiness.  But I understand others' fears and their questions.  And I'm not ready for them to indirectly question my happiness.  Or, frankly, question my judgment.  Yeah... my last one didn't end up so well.  Do I owe them some sort of reassurance / promise that this one will go differently?  How can I know?  Psychic powers failing...

If I were dating someone local, people wouldn't have so many questions and wouldn't get so far ahead of themselves.  Meeting someone online raises questions, too - I understand that.  But then, someone from a distance?  Raises a whole lot of other questions.  I do understand that - I do.  But so many of them take away from THIS moment right now which is where I want to be, and where I SHOULD be. 

Do we know where this is going? No, not exactly.  Can I just enjoy the moment, here and now? And take the future as it comes?  And leave the planning between us for now?

Yes.  And when it is time to share, I will find a firm way to politely make that clear.  Those are great questions, and while I have some thoughts on the answers - *we* have some thoughts on the answers, I don't have them yet.  Let's just see how this unfolds, and be happy for me at this moment.  As I am happy, myself.  No-one knows what the future holds, and if she had been here and in person, that wouldn't change my ability to know what the future holds.  So rather than waste today worrying about tomorrow, let's just live in today. 

Because today is pretty damn wonderful.  And THAT is simply what I wanted to share...

What's Next?

I am at a crossroads in my life.  And potentially for this blog.

One of the purposes of this blog was, frankly, to grieve a relationship or two.  To get past whatever might have been holding me back from moving forward in my life.  And to do so in a safe space where I could speak about these relationships in a public and yet quite private way. 

See many people didn't know about the depth or nature of the relationship with tryst.  So to talk with people I already knew about it put me in an awkward position of outing someone and sharing their personal life.  That wasn't my place to do.

But you knew neither me nor her, so telling "you" about it, and doing so anonymously, didn't expose her.

And now I find myself embarking upon another new relationship.  With someone whom I met doing this.  And I want to scream it from the rooftops (okay, announce it on Twitter) but it's not my place.  Because talking to you about her would put me in the awkward position of outing someone and sharing their personal life. 

So I have this conundrum....

And even if "outing" her and sharing her personal life weren't an issue, I have no desire whatsoever to conduct a public relationship.  You know the kind I mean.  The ones who are sitting right next to each other in the same room, tweeting or FBing their affection towards each other in public rather than simply talking to each other directly.  There's a time for sharing your love, guys, and then there's a time for getting your own room. 

The second purpose of the blog was as an outlet for all the random stuff that goes through my head and life with whom I had no one to share.  So as not to overwhelm my friend network with lots and lots of emails about nonsensical stuff.  To help pare down my conversations with real friends to more meaningful things (although Ken and I have now had some meaningful conversations about strawberry scented shampoo, now). 

And now I have someone who fills those shoes, who will probably regret at some point telling me she loves reading everything I've written (at which point, I'll come back here to share some silly inane stuff to spare her...).  Someone who, apparently, finds my conversations on shampoo endearing.  Silly girl.  Someone who is simply amazing. 

I am not done blogging.  I don't think.  But I do find myself writing a lot of blog posts lately just for her.  Things that might not be appropriate to share with a wider audience because they involve her.  (Seriously, this woman gets emails from me that say "Post I won't publish" that are written just like this one is... )

But my priorities have changed.  My focus has shifted.  It may be that this blog has accomplished all that it was meant to do.  And maybe that was to find her.  I don't know.  We'll have to see...

But this, my dear friends, is where I'm at... Happiness.  And it's a damn wonderful thing....

Off to the shower, now... to think of Ken... ;)

Thank you to those of you who have been on this journey with me so far... You have lightened my burden immeasurably...

Matrix...? Inception..? Facebook!

Now, that's a damn scary conclusion...

So, I created this blog once upon a time, and did so anonymously, so that I could feel free to talk about certain relationships in my life and certain people and not compromise their privacy.  That just because I wanted to share things about me, didn't mean I should share things about them.

So what do you do when you create an anonymous blog for that purpose, and then you meet folks doing it, and then you want to share stuff about them? But about you.  But about them??

Do I create an anonymous blog within the blog?  Hell - that seems like a lot of work to cultivate a new set of followers, and frankly, with three different worlds out there, I would get very confusing.  Matrix-like .. Inception-like.

It seems my only choice is to go *gasp!* back to Facebook...

Hmm....

Priorities Change

DISCLOSURE:  The only thing I have going in on this post is the title.. I have no idea where this will go, so buckle up and enjoy the ride.


Sometimes in life, certain things will happen that will make you see things - perhaps everything - in a different light.  Suddenly make you realize that things you thought were important aren't, and perhaps make you value things you didn't realize were important, even more. 

If you're lucky, this change in perspective is something that reflects even more accurately the true you - the you that you have been becoming or trying to be.

It can be an amazing epiphany. 

Whether you've had or are having a life changing moment, the reality is that all the moments of your life have led you to this one.  And this moment will lead you to another one.  You can't help it - it's what happens.  It's life.  And you can let these moments just pass you by, or you can - in the spirit of the Dead Poets' Society - seize the day.  Carpe diem..

Enjoy where you're at.  Enjoy what has made you you.  Celebrate yourself. 

And if you're reading this right now and you don't feel like you can do that, well... first, *hugs*.  Second, do something to change that.  Change what's making you miserable.  Change what you value.  Really look at what is important, and focus on that - value that.  If it brings you unhappiness, if it turns you away from others, from experiencing the joy in life, then maybe - just maybe - it's not that important. 

The Dalai Lama says that the Art of Happiness is finding those things in life that bring you joy and maximizing them.  And "things" frankly is the wrong word, because I'll tell you people, things don't bring you happiness.  They might bring you comfort, or amusement, but things never, never bring happiness. 

My life has taken a significant change lately.  My perspective has a tremendously different shift.  And I am happy. 

May you all be so blessed. 

P.S. I turned 42 on Saturday.  And I have joked for nearly 30 years probably that 42 is the answer to everything from Doug Adams The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which I've never read. So as I approached this birthday, I kept feeling - down in my bones, perhaps, or just joking at the surface, who knows - but I kept telling folks that I was looking forward to 42 because it was the answer to everything.  And you know, when I turned 42 - the minute I was 42 - I, indeed, had the answer to everything.

It is amazing.