Being Wise

Being wise isn't all that it's cracked up to be, by the way.  This is a tremendous burden that I carry for you. Yeah, for you.. sure.. that's it. ;) 

So the morning after all my Sticks & Stones follow up epiphanies (I swear, I will get to Pt 4 at some point, soon...), I found myself feeling pissy at a friend.  Over what she did, or did NOT do, as was the case. 

I long ago realized that anger is merely one manner of expression of feeling hurt. 

And so I found myself - annoyingly - sitting there thinking about why I was feeling hurt, and thinking back on all the crap I wrote the night before.  (Because I was annoyed, I grumpily referred to it as "crap").  Why was I feeling pissy?  Why was I hurt?

And the reality is because that friend tapped into my own insecurities.  Damnit.  Insecurity is a bitch, rearing her ugly head.  And when it does, even the simplest of actions by another (or, again, inaction) can stir up a crazy reaction. 

In hindsight, perhaps, this is the perfect segue-way into Pt 4. 

Sometimes we need to recognize that the reason we are hurt is not because the other person was being hurtful.  Or doing anything at all.  But because they tripped lightly (or even headstrongly) into our own insecurities.  Our fears.  Their actions just lightly tapped into suggesting that what we are afraid of is true. 

When we want to believe something, we take any sign as evidence that what we want to believe is true.  Whether we're talking about good things to believe in (farmers, for example, hoping for rain), or apparently, even our insecurities. 

(Related to the last post, frankly, I take all sorts of signs as positive ones that she will come back to me.)

We look for things to believe in, whether they are true or not.

And when we feel insecure.  When we really believe x about us (we're fat, we're unloveable, we're ugly, nobody likes us, we're annoying, we're going to be alone for the rest of our lives...) whatever it is, then we are just as quick as the farmer who sees a cloud to hope it will rain, to believe that that little tiny sign means that x is true.  We are quick to grasp onto it even though it is not a positive thing. 
And in the end, the frustrating thing to admit is NOT that the other person has hurt us, but that we have hurt ourselves. 

We have to stop doing that. 

Okay?  Okay...