Twice I stood up and told the woman I loved that I would be there for her for better or worse, for richer and pooer, in sickness and in health. We had a union ceremony before we could legally marry and then during that brief window, before Prop 8 passed, we married legally, too.
Even three years after it's been done, I still struggle with reconciling that with leaving her nonetheless.
To be fair. She didn't give me a choice. Anyone who is familiar with even a tenth of the details would tell you that I didn't have a choice to stay. She'd become increasingly unstable, violent, destructive. All-in-all Scary. In addition to the threat of physical harm, the harm she threatened to me and my reputation and tried to incur was also devastating. She was calling everyone close to me and many who weren't that close to me and spreading lies about me. Those who knew me, fortunately, knew the truth about me. But she has borderline personality disorder, so those right on the edge found themselves questioning because her stories were laced with just enough truth to be convincing.
"For better or worse"
Well, there was no question that at that moment it was the worse. It had been, in hindsight, about two or three years of "worse" but I had stayed in there, I had been trying to stick it out. What gave me permission to let go then? What was so different?
"For richer or poorer"
My friends would be quick to tell you that my ex had no problems with me as long as we were richer. But as we steadily progressed towards poorer, she began to disintigrate. But surely in this last economic, um, setback, we are not the only ones to have had to struggle with hard times and hard decisions about how to make it through those. Not EVERYONE separated simply because finances became tight.
"In sickness and in health"
This, though, is the one that trips me up. Because I don't think I broke the first two vows - I was there for those times, and willing to be there for more. But for some reason, I couldn't stick it out through sickness. Because, unfortunately, that is what she is.
Nowhere, though, is there a release from my vows. The answer, I think, lies in this. (To the extent that I have found and accepted an answer). Before I broke my vows, she broke hers. Others have suggested that gives me a release. That you can't hold up a marriage single-handedly. That both parties must remain committed to their vows to make it work, and that if one gives up, the other is released, then, from holding up their end.
I admit that I'm not completely sure I accept that.
In a legal contract, when one party breaches the contract, the other party is not automatically released from their obligation. A number of defenses may be raised, but if the contract is not written so that one's obligations are dependent upon the other fulfiling their obligations, then there is no excuse for the second party to breach the contract. Impossibility, however, is a valid defense for breach of contract. And so others would argue that she made it impossible for me to keep my vows.
It is not easy to walk away. But sometimes it is the only choice. My friends convinced me that losing myself would not help her in anyway, and if I stayed, I would have lost myself. I probably did lose a little of myself before I escaped. Fortunately, I have a pretty rock-strong core.
Monday, June 11, 2012
#FirstWorldProblems
Oh. It's Monday. And I so don't want to go on site. I know that face time is good, particularly when I'm not being particularly productive, but I want to sit at home instead. Maybe work from home, but either way sit at home.
This morning I have come up with the perfect tweet to circulate and be retweeted, but for "getting noticed" sakes, I'd like to have the perfectly witty blog post to circulate with it.
So far, this isn't it.
It is easy to say, "Do what you love" and then you'll never be working. But how do we get paid for that? And how do we figure that out, because lately, what I love most is sleeping, and I'm sure there really aren't places that pay you to do that. At least not knowingly.
Welcome to Monday. Resistance is futile.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
This morning I have come up with the perfect tweet to circulate and be retweeted, but for "getting noticed" sakes, I'd like to have the perfectly witty blog post to circulate with it.
So far, this isn't it.
It is easy to say, "Do what you love" and then you'll never be working. But how do we get paid for that? And how do we figure that out, because lately, what I love most is sleeping, and I'm sure there really aren't places that pay you to do that. At least not knowingly.
Welcome to Monday. Resistance is futile.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Sex Sells..
Let's face it. Sex sells. We (women) like sex. Sex is fun (ideally). We are more interested than we're allowed to express in each other's sex lives. Curious what others' experiences are. Happy for others who are having successful healthy sex lives. (Now that Kit and I are tweeps, I regularly encourage her and her DH having enjoyed her posts so much regarding their healthy romps, and her friendly relationshp with Siri (and it's not her iPhone)).
(I think I remember what that is like...?)
Amish Swingers isn't my most popular post, but it is one of the most quickly viewed in high numbers since I've been doing this blog.
And, as my friend Anonymous told you all, I can be quite the tease...
But we like that. We like teasing, flirting, being sexually suggestive to a line.
One Tweep told me that she draws the line at anyone who sends her a naked picture of themself. That she immediately blocks that person, and I, sickly, hold that in my back pocket knowing if I decide I don't want to be tweeps with her anymore, I'll just send her a naked picture (not necessarily of myself, but.. what does a collective cube look like naked, anyway??).
I jest.
We have our lines. And depending on how well we get to know each other, those lines might move. And some of the reason for the lines is that even though we're all curious and interested, we're not supposed to be. Ever since Adam and Eve put those fig leaves on, there is this curiosity, but we're supposed to hide it.
Fifty Shades of Grey is one way to dip a toe into the water of the conversation. It really isn't any thing more than a B/d S/m Harlequin. I remember my classmates from eighth and ninth grade getting all excited reading about "his thrombing member".. There isn't anything really more risque in that book than Harlequin, except it isn't published by Harlequin.
Because reading Harlequins - and admitting that - is silly. And yet, so many of us do it. My 70+ cousin is an avid subscriber and reads all the series, and then donates them. One of my best friends admits to jumpstarting her sex life and her low libido reading these books.
These books are girl-porn. We do it, too. But we prefer to pretend we're more high-brow. But most people will agree that men are visual, and women tend to get stuck in their heads. Er, I mean, tend to be turned on by our brains.
Even nuns are talking about lesbianism and masturbation. Lord, knows, the Catholic priests know a thing or two about sex despite their vows of celibacy... (oops - she DID NOT just go there??)
I don't know what it takes for us to be open about our interest and our curiosity. Perhaps a forum - semi-anonymous like twitter (or Craig's list?? Eek! No) is a way in which people can explore and express their interest and begin to find that they're not alone in liking sex, in being interested in sex. In flirting..
(Oh, God, I love flirting!! It is so much fun.. as Anonymous warned you, I'm a tease, and she should know...)
Despite this post, though, and my open flirting with several of you, the reality is that I, too, have an interest in hiding my interest. I did seriously consider posting the link I found for Amish Swingers in the last post, but didn't because I didn't want the owner of the website of innocent swings to track back to my link and read about our playful whimsy with a different kind of Amish swinger...
We are like dogs chasing our tails.
Which, if you've ever walked through the Castro with a gay male friend, that's exactly what gay men might do with each other - they seem open and willing to express their interest in each other. I become quite amused when I walk down Castro with a boy friend, and he spies someone more interesting, they both turn and watch each other go, and then keep moving on. Like two dogs walking along, sniffing each other's butts, and then moving on.
Men are better about being honest about their sexual interest. Women need to take ownership of theirs.
Kit would usually assign sex homework. I'm not as good a Dominatrix, er, I mean commanding... But I'd be curious about your thoughts on the subject.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
(I think I remember what that is like...?)
Amish Swingers isn't my most popular post, but it is one of the most quickly viewed in high numbers since I've been doing this blog.
And, as my friend Anonymous told you all, I can be quite the tease...
But we like that. We like teasing, flirting, being sexually suggestive to a line.
One Tweep told me that she draws the line at anyone who sends her a naked picture of themself. That she immediately blocks that person, and I, sickly, hold that in my back pocket knowing if I decide I don't want to be tweeps with her anymore, I'll just send her a naked picture (not necessarily of myself, but.. what does a collective cube look like naked, anyway??).
I jest.
We have our lines. And depending on how well we get to know each other, those lines might move. And some of the reason for the lines is that even though we're all curious and interested, we're not supposed to be. Ever since Adam and Eve put those fig leaves on, there is this curiosity, but we're supposed to hide it.
Fifty Shades of Grey is one way to dip a toe into the water of the conversation. It really isn't any thing more than a B/d S/m Harlequin. I remember my classmates from eighth and ninth grade getting all excited reading about "his thrombing member".. There isn't anything really more risque in that book than Harlequin, except it isn't published by Harlequin.
Because reading Harlequins - and admitting that - is silly. And yet, so many of us do it. My 70+ cousin is an avid subscriber and reads all the series, and then donates them. One of my best friends admits to jumpstarting her sex life and her low libido reading these books.
These books are girl-porn. We do it, too. But we prefer to pretend we're more high-brow. But most people will agree that men are visual, and women tend to get stuck in their heads. Er, I mean, tend to be turned on by our brains.
Even nuns are talking about lesbianism and masturbation. Lord, knows, the Catholic priests know a thing or two about sex despite their vows of celibacy... (oops - she DID NOT just go there??)
I don't know what it takes for us to be open about our interest and our curiosity. Perhaps a forum - semi-anonymous like twitter (or Craig's list?? Eek! No) is a way in which people can explore and express their interest and begin to find that they're not alone in liking sex, in being interested in sex. In flirting..
(Oh, God, I love flirting!! It is so much fun.. as Anonymous warned you, I'm a tease, and she should know...)
Despite this post, though, and my open flirting with several of you, the reality is that I, too, have an interest in hiding my interest. I did seriously consider posting the link I found for Amish Swingers in the last post, but didn't because I didn't want the owner of the website of innocent swings to track back to my link and read about our playful whimsy with a different kind of Amish swinger...
We are like dogs chasing our tails.
Which, if you've ever walked through the Castro with a gay male friend, that's exactly what gay men might do with each other - they seem open and willing to express their interest in each other. I become quite amused when I walk down Castro with a boy friend, and he spies someone more interesting, they both turn and watch each other go, and then keep moving on. Like two dogs walking along, sniffing each other's butts, and then moving on.
Men are better about being honest about their sexual interest. Women need to take ownership of theirs.
Kit would usually assign sex homework. I'm not as good a Dominatrix, er, I mean commanding... But I'd be curious about your thoughts on the subject.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Amish Swingers
I had a request to write a post about Amish Swingers from one of my new Tweeps.
Well, this required some research as I don't know much about them. But I did find one site, that promised: "Our exclusive Amish Swingers bring pure country joy swaying from your porch or tree. Full-size patterns and easy painting guides make this the perfect, pleasing project - even for beginners! "
Taken in the wrong context, well.. it's been awhile since I've swung from the trees, or on the porch, but there was a time when I was more adventurous in public... ;)
It's the perfect pleasing project - even for beginners... ;)
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Well, this required some research as I don't know much about them. But I did find one site, that promised: "Our exclusive Amish Swingers bring pure country joy swaying from your porch or tree. Full-size patterns and easy painting guides make this the perfect, pleasing project - even for beginners! "
Taken in the wrong context, well.. it's been awhile since I've swung from the trees, or on the porch, but there was a time when I was more adventurous in public... ;)
It's the perfect pleasing project - even for beginners... ;)
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Being Single
So... there are definitely drawbacks to being single. But sometimes, there are perks. Like napping between 6:30 pm to 9:00 pm, and now being awake after midnight, and watching whatever television show I want.
No-one to answer to. No-one to share with. Eat whenever I want. Can eat whatever I want - not have to save it for someone else.
I'm sure there are other benefits, but these are the benes I'm exercising tonight..
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
No-one to answer to. No-one to share with. Eat whenever I want. Can eat whatever I want - not have to save it for someone else.
I'm sure there are other benefits, but these are the benes I'm exercising tonight..
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Wine Party and Amish Swingers
Oh, Twitter, you seductive beast you. How can I resist you when you provide me with Amish Swingers? Another #wineparty, and oh, the fodder I could write with But frankly, I'll just leave you with Amish Swingers. Want to know more? Join the #wineparty on Friday nights at 9 PM Eastern (or whenever you show up) on Twitter...
Welcome to my new followers...
WWASD?? That is always the question
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Welcome to my new followers...
WWASD?? That is always the question
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Motivation...
I'm a contractor. I don't have to be at the work site at any particular time or spend any particular number of hours there. I am writing for them, so I can do it from anywhere. Although I do need to be on site to ask questions, and observe the things that I am writing about.
So on days like today when I really don't want to go, it's hard to get motivated.
And really? This entry has already taken a much more serious note than I intended when I hit "new post". Really, all I wanted to write was: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH, I don't wanna go in..."
I don't.
So on days like today when I really don't want to go, it's hard to get motivated.
And really? This entry has already taken a much more serious note than I intended when I hit "new post". Really, all I wanted to write was: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH, I don't wanna go in..."
I don't.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
We are family - Borg Family
For those who are unfamiliar with the Borg from Star Trek, this article from Wikipedia is actually quite helpful to bring you up to speed. I *do* not suggest you need to read the WHOLE article, but the first few paragraphs should give you an overview.
While the naming of this blog was a product of auto-correct, on more than one occasion, the naming of the blog after this “pseudo-race” from Star Trek seems very fitting, nonetheless.
Although I am an active weekly church-goer and participant, I find much value in Eastern philosophies. Early on,I was amused to make the connection between Taoism and the Borg, when I first read in an elementary book on Taoism (it may even have been the Tao of Pooh)that resistance is futile.
The Borg operates as a collective. All the smaller units are really just part of a whole and they all have the same data and responses, generally to any situation. They think alike. They are alike.
In the last two weeks, I have made more friends in the Twitter-verse (particularly from #wineparty) that I now follow. It is clear, of course, that it has attracted like-minded people. But the similarities amongst us are remarkable. There have been a number of tweets that I have flagged with the thought of using them as “story-starters”or post generators. Where one of you has expressed something that I strongly agree with, or have expressed at some point (likely recently) myself. Made an observation that I have made. Felt the same emotions, reactions, responses as I have felt. And even some of you have responded to my tweets or my blog with amazement at how much you feel like you could have written that.
A friend of mine was venting to me last night by e-mail about the evil ex of her current flame. And she ended it with a stern warning of her mood: “please don't give me the compassionspeech”. I admit – and she may not want to know this – I laughed a little at that. Because in many ways we are more alike than we are different. And I often preach (see, Dad was right) to stop and put yourself in someone else’s shoes to try and understand why they are reacting or responding the way that they are acting. If we can step back from ourselves and always being right, we may realize that if we were in the same situation we might be acting the same way – or at least want to.
When we stop and realize that I am just like you and you are just like me – with all of our wonderful qualities and all of our flaws (yes, you DO have flaws, sorry, honey, you are NOT perfect) – then it is easier to give someone else the break that we feel we deserve.
If we stopped and thought of ourselves as a collective – as one being of sorts – so that hurting someone else was really the same as hurting ourselves, perhaps we might think twice about some of our behavior towards others. If we realize that the ultimate impact in mistreating others was being mistreated ourselves, then perhaps we might treat each other a little gentler.
One poor tweep today in reaction to another friend on Facebook reposting a Dalai Lama quote blasted her (or him?) about how she didn’t want to read some stupid repost PARTICULARLY when she knew that you didn’t even believe it yourself. I teased her back, “but I do!” and she felt sheepish and clarified that it wasn’t about me (which I knew). But I do believe in all that compassion stuff that the Dalai Lama talks about. It is hard to practice, but I think if we stop and realize that we are all extensions of one another, and treat each other with the same respect as we want, the world – or at least the one that you live in – will begin to look better.
Resistance, after all, is futile. You will become one with the Borg. You will be assimilated. We are one.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
While the naming of this blog was a product of auto-correct, on more than one occasion, the naming of the blog after this “pseudo-race” from Star Trek seems very fitting, nonetheless.
Although I am an active weekly church-goer and participant, I find much value in Eastern philosophies. Early on,I was amused to make the connection between Taoism and the Borg, when I first read in an elementary book on Taoism (it may even have been the Tao of Pooh)that resistance is futile.
The Borg operates as a collective. All the smaller units are really just part of a whole and they all have the same data and responses, generally to any situation. They think alike. They are alike.
In the last two weeks, I have made more friends in the Twitter-verse (particularly from #wineparty) that I now follow. It is clear, of course, that it has attracted like-minded people. But the similarities amongst us are remarkable. There have been a number of tweets that I have flagged with the thought of using them as “story-starters”or post generators. Where one of you has expressed something that I strongly agree with, or have expressed at some point (likely recently) myself. Made an observation that I have made. Felt the same emotions, reactions, responses as I have felt. And even some of you have responded to my tweets or my blog with amazement at how much you feel like you could have written that.
A friend of mine was venting to me last night by e-mail about the evil ex of her current flame. And she ended it with a stern warning of her mood: “please don't give me the compassionspeech”. I admit – and she may not want to know this – I laughed a little at that. Because in many ways we are more alike than we are different. And I often preach (see, Dad was right) to stop and put yourself in someone else’s shoes to try and understand why they are reacting or responding the way that they are acting. If we can step back from ourselves and always being right, we may realize that if we were in the same situation we might be acting the same way – or at least want to.
When we stop and realize that I am just like you and you are just like me – with all of our wonderful qualities and all of our flaws (yes, you DO have flaws, sorry, honey, you are NOT perfect) – then it is easier to give someone else the break that we feel we deserve.
If we stopped and thought of ourselves as a collective – as one being of sorts – so that hurting someone else was really the same as hurting ourselves, perhaps we might think twice about some of our behavior towards others. If we realize that the ultimate impact in mistreating others was being mistreated ourselves, then perhaps we might treat each other a little gentler.
One poor tweep today in reaction to another friend on Facebook reposting a Dalai Lama quote blasted her (or him?) about how she didn’t want to read some stupid repost PARTICULARLY when she knew that you didn’t even believe it yourself. I teased her back, “but I do!” and she felt sheepish and clarified that it wasn’t about me (which I knew). But I do believe in all that compassion stuff that the Dalai Lama talks about. It is hard to practice, but I think if we stop and realize that we are all extensions of one another, and treat each other with the same respect as we want, the world – or at least the one that you live in – will begin to look better.
Resistance, after all, is futile. You will become one with the Borg. You will be assimilated. We are one.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
ADD
I've noticed a recent surge in my post about having ADD, and therefore think / wonder if there is an interest there.
It is tough and frustrating sometimes to think / write / talk about my ADD because I don't want to define myself by it, and I don't *want* it to limit me. When I first found out I read (parts of) books about ADD and also about diagnoses as adults. I say "parts of" because the reality is that I have never been able to read a complete non-fiction book, unless it was written in a story-like format.
They talk about the denial. The struggle because there are simple things that we think we should be able to do and yet can't seem to do. The frustrations that we feel. And, at some level, the relief we feel at knowing that there's a reason for this. As I wrote in my earlier post, there were plenty of teachers who realized that I was living up to my full potential. But none of them seemed to have the answer as to how I could do it. I'm not sure I have it now.
There are many ways in which people can live with and manage ADD. Pharmaceutical is certainly a popular method, and it has it's place. But there are behavioral therapies, lifestyle choices, and other means of managing ADD. In conjunction with meds or without meds.
Some of the behavioral therapies, however, are hard to implement without some one else there to help you. They are effective, or can be effective, with kids who have parents and teachers to help administer them, and work with them. As an adult, and in this case at the moment a single adult, it is harder to implement effectively behavioral modification.
Structure, frankly, is the most effective manner of addressing ADD. Developing habits and routines helps keep an ADD person on course. I do consciously try to form habits, and I could name five or six that I have developed in the past year. But it is easier to do with someone else.
Medication works but also has its limitations. Essentially in order to "calm down" a hyper-active person with ADD you actually give them stimulants, and it has the reverse reaction than it would for someone without ADD. It stimulates some part of the brain that allows you to focus. Ritalin is the most prescribed drug, and is usually where a doctor will start when he or she begins prescribing medicine. Ritalin, by itself, is one of the stupidest drugs for someone with ADD because it has an effectiveness of about four hours, and you need to take the next pill before the first one wears off. But you have ADD, so you forget to take the second pill until it's too late. As a kid, nurses used to be able to administer drugs to kids - and kids could go at lunch time to the nurse for their medicine. These days, however, a nurse can barely put on a band-aid without having to get a waiver signed by the parents, and my understanding, in all seriousness, is that they aren't even able to administer basic pain medicines like aspirin anymore. Parents are called if anything needs to be administered and the kids have to be picked up.
This was never an issue for me, because I was diagnosed as an adult. But at least a routine for a kid, where after third or fourth period, they go to the nurse every day, Ritalin could work. Except, of course, for the problem above.
The good news is the next drug they may try you on is Concerta. Time-release Ritalin that you only have to take once a day. NOW you're beginning to get it. That works. So, you try a dose and stick with it for a period of time, and then try to determine whether it's effective. This is a very subjective determination, and it gets ultimately, to be a lot like going to an optometrist and looking through the various lenses for glasses - "is this better? or this one?" when they both look the same to you. Having a partner - as I did at the time - available to help evaluate your response to the drug is helpful. And so you experiment with dosages.
The trouble is even when you find a dosage that works, you eventually get used to it, and its effectiveness begins to taper. So, then they try you on a different drug, and you, once again, go through the steps to try and find the right dosage, etc. It can, I imagine, be an endless cycle.
Which is why I do think it is important to address ADD with more than just medicine.
In my last post about ADD, I talked about the Sisyphean task of pushing the boulder up the hill. And the insanity of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Some people find paths in their life where their ADD might be an asset, or at least where their ADD is less of an impairment. One friend of mine is a doctor, and rather than be in a routine boring family practice, the activity of the ER is much more manageable for her. While being a doctor is a crazy idea for me, I can see as someone who constantly needs deadlines to get anything done that the fast paced rush of the ER could provide that level of "stress" necessary to get things done.
I wish I had THE answer. I am still struggling with finding THE answer. It is a daily battle, and it is hard. And it makes being in relationships difficult, because it is hard for someone to understand why you just can't seem to do something. Or you can't do it without x, y or z to stimulate you or make you do it. It is important to educate your partners about what it is you need. Not to make excuses, but to find a productive way to work together, and to make the relationship feel like a partnership, and not where one always feels like they have to push you to do anything. It is doable. But it is hard, too.
No lovely answers or concluding pearls on this one. It just is what it is... Feel free to add your own concluding pearls or advice.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
It is tough and frustrating sometimes to think / write / talk about my ADD because I don't want to define myself by it, and I don't *want* it to limit me. When I first found out I read (parts of) books about ADD and also about diagnoses as adults. I say "parts of" because the reality is that I have never been able to read a complete non-fiction book, unless it was written in a story-like format.
They talk about the denial. The struggle because there are simple things that we think we should be able to do and yet can't seem to do. The frustrations that we feel. And, at some level, the relief we feel at knowing that there's a reason for this. As I wrote in my earlier post, there were plenty of teachers who realized that I was living up to my full potential. But none of them seemed to have the answer as to how I could do it. I'm not sure I have it now.
There are many ways in which people can live with and manage ADD. Pharmaceutical is certainly a popular method, and it has it's place. But there are behavioral therapies, lifestyle choices, and other means of managing ADD. In conjunction with meds or without meds.
Some of the behavioral therapies, however, are hard to implement without some one else there to help you. They are effective, or can be effective, with kids who have parents and teachers to help administer them, and work with them. As an adult, and in this case at the moment a single adult, it is harder to implement effectively behavioral modification.
Structure, frankly, is the most effective manner of addressing ADD. Developing habits and routines helps keep an ADD person on course. I do consciously try to form habits, and I could name five or six that I have developed in the past year. But it is easier to do with someone else.
Medication works but also has its limitations. Essentially in order to "calm down" a hyper-active person with ADD you actually give them stimulants, and it has the reverse reaction than it would for someone without ADD. It stimulates some part of the brain that allows you to focus. Ritalin is the most prescribed drug, and is usually where a doctor will start when he or she begins prescribing medicine. Ritalin, by itself, is one of the stupidest drugs for someone with ADD because it has an effectiveness of about four hours, and you need to take the next pill before the first one wears off. But you have ADD, so you forget to take the second pill until it's too late. As a kid, nurses used to be able to administer drugs to kids - and kids could go at lunch time to the nurse for their medicine. These days, however, a nurse can barely put on a band-aid without having to get a waiver signed by the parents, and my understanding, in all seriousness, is that they aren't even able to administer basic pain medicines like aspirin anymore. Parents are called if anything needs to be administered and the kids have to be picked up.
This was never an issue for me, because I was diagnosed as an adult. But at least a routine for a kid, where after third or fourth period, they go to the nurse every day, Ritalin could work. Except, of course, for the problem above.
The good news is the next drug they may try you on is Concerta. Time-release Ritalin that you only have to take once a day. NOW you're beginning to get it. That works. So, you try a dose and stick with it for a period of time, and then try to determine whether it's effective. This is a very subjective determination, and it gets ultimately, to be a lot like going to an optometrist and looking through the various lenses for glasses - "is this better? or this one?" when they both look the same to you. Having a partner - as I did at the time - available to help evaluate your response to the drug is helpful. And so you experiment with dosages.
The trouble is even when you find a dosage that works, you eventually get used to it, and its effectiveness begins to taper. So, then they try you on a different drug, and you, once again, go through the steps to try and find the right dosage, etc. It can, I imagine, be an endless cycle.
Which is why I do think it is important to address ADD with more than just medicine.
In my last post about ADD, I talked about the Sisyphean task of pushing the boulder up the hill. And the insanity of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Some people find paths in their life where their ADD might be an asset, or at least where their ADD is less of an impairment. One friend of mine is a doctor, and rather than be in a routine boring family practice, the activity of the ER is much more manageable for her. While being a doctor is a crazy idea for me, I can see as someone who constantly needs deadlines to get anything done that the fast paced rush of the ER could provide that level of "stress" necessary to get things done.
I wish I had THE answer. I am still struggling with finding THE answer. It is a daily battle, and it is hard. And it makes being in relationships difficult, because it is hard for someone to understand why you just can't seem to do something. Or you can't do it without x, y or z to stimulate you or make you do it. It is important to educate your partners about what it is you need. Not to make excuses, but to find a productive way to work together, and to make the relationship feel like a partnership, and not where one always feels like they have to push you to do anything. It is doable. But it is hard, too.
No lovely answers or concluding pearls on this one. It just is what it is... Feel free to add your own concluding pearls or advice.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Cyber Stalking
Raise your hands. Who does it? C'mon, we all do it. That's what makes the internet so fascinating - seeing what we can see about others. Being voyeurs into others lives - or what they or their friends share with us.
How many of us use filters on Facebook? (Are there even filters on Twitter??)
How many of us have no idea what is out there in the ether about us?
Just spent a half hour tracking an old friend, and her husband, and catching up on her life. In the old days, didn't we used to pick up the phone? I'll confess, we rarely wrote letters, but perhaps drop an e-mail? Let them tell us what they want to share with us? And yet, if you sent me an e-mail and asked me how my life was going, as some friends still do, I would say that there's not much to report. And yet, clearly, I do have a lot to say and share. This is why social networking - capturing our lives as we go - can be so helpful in finding out what is really going on.
I have a friend who has an elaborate set of filters on Facebook. She's really thought through the friend lists, etc. I'd tell you how many friends she has to filter through, but she wisely has those protected, too. If the iPhone app would let you select multiple lists when posting from the mobile app, I might be a bit more invested. I might be a bit more careful with what I post to whom.
I've recently found myself on the outside end of a filter with a friend, and it sucks. I know that she's posting, but I can't see it now. Every once in awhile I am with a mutual friend, and when she is looking at Facebook, I can see the posts. I can see that she is in the inner circle.
My first Facebook account was created for business. I was trying to find someone for a client. This was well before I ended my marriage, and while it was supposed to be a professional account, it quickly became personal as I discovered all of these old friends I hadn't seen in forever. Some, yes, we might question whether they ever were friends, and some have become friends. Then I separated from my spouse (that's the sanitized version) and created a separate Facebook account for those who truly were close friends so that they could know that I was okay, and so I didn't have to keep updating people all of the time.
It is an odd thing when you're going through a significant event in your life with everyone asking about it. It feels nice to have the support but it is hard to let go of the - in this case bad - when you're always forced to rehash it. But maybe that's a post for another day.
So, initially the new Facebook account was a filter in and of itself. I only shared it with select people.
It has been hard as I have moved on and grown to let go of that mentality.
Facebook and Twitter are different. Twitter is a popularity contest - you want as many people to follow you as you can find. Some have viewed Facebook as a popularity contest, too, racking up "friends" as if they were points in some game. I've never found myself interested in doing that, and yet, sometimes, with the newly developed friendship with old acquaintances, I wonder what I might be missing out on.
Ah, this is a rambling entry (I will have a few of these). But catching up on my friend's life. Missing her and wishing she were sharing it directly with me has got me rambling.
How many of you stalk? How many of you truly connect via social networking? I am getting to know a few of you through Twitter.. 140 characters at at time and a few more when you comment here.
Tell me your social networking stories. Tell me your cyber-stalking stories.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
How many of us use filters on Facebook? (Are there even filters on Twitter??)
How many of us have no idea what is out there in the ether about us?
Just spent a half hour tracking an old friend, and her husband, and catching up on her life. In the old days, didn't we used to pick up the phone? I'll confess, we rarely wrote letters, but perhaps drop an e-mail? Let them tell us what they want to share with us? And yet, if you sent me an e-mail and asked me how my life was going, as some friends still do, I would say that there's not much to report. And yet, clearly, I do have a lot to say and share. This is why social networking - capturing our lives as we go - can be so helpful in finding out what is really going on.
I have a friend who has an elaborate set of filters on Facebook. She's really thought through the friend lists, etc. I'd tell you how many friends she has to filter through, but she wisely has those protected, too. If the iPhone app would let you select multiple lists when posting from the mobile app, I might be a bit more invested. I might be a bit more careful with what I post to whom.
I've recently found myself on the outside end of a filter with a friend, and it sucks. I know that she's posting, but I can't see it now. Every once in awhile I am with a mutual friend, and when she is looking at Facebook, I can see the posts. I can see that she is in the inner circle.
My first Facebook account was created for business. I was trying to find someone for a client. This was well before I ended my marriage, and while it was supposed to be a professional account, it quickly became personal as I discovered all of these old friends I hadn't seen in forever. Some, yes, we might question whether they ever were friends, and some have become friends. Then I separated from my spouse (that's the sanitized version) and created a separate Facebook account for those who truly were close friends so that they could know that I was okay, and so I didn't have to keep updating people all of the time.
It is an odd thing when you're going through a significant event in your life with everyone asking about it. It feels nice to have the support but it is hard to let go of the - in this case bad - when you're always forced to rehash it. But maybe that's a post for another day.
So, initially the new Facebook account was a filter in and of itself. I only shared it with select people.
It has been hard as I have moved on and grown to let go of that mentality.
Facebook and Twitter are different. Twitter is a popularity contest - you want as many people to follow you as you can find. Some have viewed Facebook as a popularity contest, too, racking up "friends" as if they were points in some game. I've never found myself interested in doing that, and yet, sometimes, with the newly developed friendship with old acquaintances, I wonder what I might be missing out on.
Ah, this is a rambling entry (I will have a few of these). But catching up on my friend's life. Missing her and wishing she were sharing it directly with me has got me rambling.
How many of you stalk? How many of you truly connect via social networking? I am getting to know a few of you through Twitter.. 140 characters at at time and a few more when you comment here.
Tell me your social networking stories. Tell me your cyber-stalking stories.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Life Lessons
I've been re-watching a television show called Being Erica for a second time and trying to catch and write down the pithy lessons from each show. If you haven't seen it, it's a Canadian-based show that apparently aired on Soap.net (or airs, I haven't seen the most recent season) and can be found on Hulu.com, which is where I watch it. It's just a wee bit science fiction in that it combines therapy with time travel. Erica begins the show recognizing that where she is at in her life is due to a series of - in her words - bad decisions and bad choices. So, she meets Dr. Tom, and has a chance to write down this list of bad choices throughout her life, and is given an opportunity via his therapy to literally go back and do it differently.
Ironically, often things don't actually change even though she's tried to do it differently. There's quite a bit of fatalistic irony in that which I draw. But that is my opinion of the show.
But in addition to trying to draw life lessons ("The path that you are on and the choices you make define who you are") from the show, it has made me think about my life and lessons I've learned and how.
We search for the trite and simple answers to life. On the internet, in books, on television, in magazines, in church. Everywhere we go, we are often looking for The Answer.
I have already made quite clear in this blog that I am a big fan and follower of the Dalai Lama. I also go to church every Sunday. I try to seek spiritual guidance where I can.
But I recognize that the stuff that sticks, the stuff that resonates most for me are lessons I have already learned through life experience. The rest of the stuff sounds good - and probably is good - but it is hard to really learn and absorb through words alone.
It is true that I don't need to touch a hot stove to accept someone else's warning that it's hot. But I am much more likely to remember it after I've burned myself. Stoves are tough examples, because it seems like common sense, stove = hot. But think of an example that is not so obvious, that the reality is that you won't really get it until you get it.
Now, not all of life lessons have to be learned the hard way. In my opinion. But I find until we are approaching the situation, we often are not ready to hear or learn the lessons.
How often on the sitcom have you seen two characters talking, and character A is bemoaning his or her problem, and Character B gives him or her sound advice that doesn't quite seem to stick? Enter Character C with all of his or her charisma, and have him or her repeat the same things, and suddenly a light bulb goes off. It seems silly and obvious when done on a sit com, but the reality is that it happens to us all the time. We need to be ready and open to hear guidance or information about a situation before we're able to hear it and comprehend it.
But the good news is that we can get our life lessons anywhere. Off a bumper sticker, off a tweet, off a sit com, off a rom com, out of a book, from an advice columnist, from a comic strip, from a shampoo bottle (hey, sometimes lather, rinse, repeat is the answer to the question!).
We just need to be open to the message. It helps me to take time, sometimes, to think about what is being said and figure out a specific situation to which it applies. Create an analogy in my life. Although sometimes when reading it, something just clicks. Automatic synapse connection. Keep yourself open to the lessons life presents to you. And don't forget to revisit them. They may mean something completely new the next time around.
Please share with me some unlikely places you found life lessons and what you learned.
Resistance is futile.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
History in the Making...
So, when each of us tells the story of our lives, there is no question that for the most part, we will portray ourselves as the hero. Or perhaps, the victim. But either way, as one who can do no wrong. But I'm willing to bet that if others were telling a story about us, we might not come off so glowing.
In particular, I think of my ex-wife (or is she? see Am I or Aren't I?) I know that the story told of me is not a good one. I am not the good guy in her story. For the most part, I can live with that, although it saddens me, too.
There's a song currently out by Alan Jackson that I heard on the radio the other day and it really it home. It's called So You Don't Have to Love Me Anymore. Here are the opening lyrics.
I’ll be the bad guy,
At the end of the day with my ex, this was my only choice. She already felt beaten, even though I didn't beat her. She felt used, she felt ruined, she felt like crap. I felt the same way, too, but I knew I was just the slightest big stronger than her. There was no need to make it worse for her. Nothing was to be gained for either of us. So I walked away. I didn't feel I had a choice. Looking back I still don't see that I had any other choice. And I know how that could have been and probably was painted.
I was the bad guy, the bitch, the one who ran out on her. It's not how I like to tell the story. But it is one version of it. And there isn't much I can do about it now.
This has been something on my mind since I first heard the song earlier in the week. It's something that is frequently on my mind regardless of musical reminders.
But perspective is an important thing to remember when telling our story, or thinking that our story is complete. It's not. I appreciate the support to Hot and Cold, and it's a story that is clearly still unfolding. But if someone were to ask her - like an aside from Modern Family - about what she thought happened during one of these cold moments, it might paint a different picture. Perhaps I was too intense (again!) or too needy or God only knows what kind of behavior that made her a bit wary and needing to keep some distance. I don't know. If I did, clearly this would be easier to understand. But I recognize that when I tell the story, I am the hero, or I am the victim, but either way, I am blameless. And it is much easier to see ourselves as blameless than to realize that we might not be perfect.
I am quick to remind everyone that I am human and I make mistakes. I know this. I believe this. I am not too arrogant to believe in my own perfection. But that doesn't mean I can always see what I may be like in the eyes of others. And the things I do that I think are kind and sweet, and when I describe them to you sound good, might not actually play out how I think they do. I understand that conceptually. What to do with that knowledge...? Well, that's for another day.
I don't want to be the bad guy. But sometimes, I know I am. And that there are some people who tell the story of me in which that is the unfortunate role I play. History may still be in the making, but it's also made by those who tell the story, too.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
In particular, I think of my ex-wife (or is she? see Am I or Aren't I?) I know that the story told of me is not a good one. I am not the good guy in her story. For the most part, I can live with that, although it saddens me, too.
There's a song currently out by Alan Jackson that I heard on the radio the other day and it really it home. It's called So You Don't Have to Love Me Anymore. Here are the opening lyrics.
I’ll take the black eye,
When I walk out,
You can slam the door,
I’ll be the S.O.B,
If that’s what you need from me,
So you don’t have to love me anymore.
When you and our friends talk,
Make it all my fault,
Tell ‘em I’m rotten to the core,
I’ll let it all slide,
Get ‘em all on your side,
So you don’t have to love me anymore.
At the end of the day with my ex, this was my only choice. She already felt beaten, even though I didn't beat her. She felt used, she felt ruined, she felt like crap. I felt the same way, too, but I knew I was just the slightest big stronger than her. There was no need to make it worse for her. Nothing was to be gained for either of us. So I walked away. I didn't feel I had a choice. Looking back I still don't see that I had any other choice. And I know how that could have been and probably was painted.
I was the bad guy, the bitch, the one who ran out on her. It's not how I like to tell the story. But it is one version of it. And there isn't much I can do about it now.
This has been something on my mind since I first heard the song earlier in the week. It's something that is frequently on my mind regardless of musical reminders.
But perspective is an important thing to remember when telling our story, or thinking that our story is complete. It's not. I appreciate the support to Hot and Cold, and it's a story that is clearly still unfolding. But if someone were to ask her - like an aside from Modern Family - about what she thought happened during one of these cold moments, it might paint a different picture. Perhaps I was too intense (again!) or too needy or God only knows what kind of behavior that made her a bit wary and needing to keep some distance. I don't know. If I did, clearly this would be easier to understand. But I recognize that when I tell the story, I am the hero, or I am the victim, but either way, I am blameless. And it is much easier to see ourselves as blameless than to realize that we might not be perfect.
I am quick to remind everyone that I am human and I make mistakes. I know this. I believe this. I am not too arrogant to believe in my own perfection. But that doesn't mean I can always see what I may be like in the eyes of others. And the things I do that I think are kind and sweet, and when I describe them to you sound good, might not actually play out how I think they do. I understand that conceptually. What to do with that knowledge...? Well, that's for another day.
I don't want to be the bad guy. But sometimes, I know I am. And that there are some people who tell the story of me in which that is the unfortunate role I play. History may still be in the making, but it's also made by those who tell the story, too.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Dating rules.. for friends...
I watch too much TV. We've established that. So I was watching some sitcom - and I think it's How I Met Your Mother - and the main character - and I believe it was Ted, so we'll go with that - makes a "fatal" mistake with a new person he's dating.
Of course, it's Barney who points this out. And whether or not, in real life, we should take any advice about life from Barney is, well, questionable. Because he's a TV character. And a TV character with questionable morals. But that's beside the point.
Anyway, Ted makes arrangements to do something well in advance, or is asked to do something well in advanced (like go to a wedding, or some trip or something). And Barney's rule of thumb is that you don't make plans with a girl farther ahead in time than the amount of time you've known her.
If you've been going out a month, you don't make plans for two months in advance. If you've only been dating for three months, you don't make plans for six months out, etc., etc. At first that seems silly. Until you put it into practice. Or don't as the case may be.
Last night (early this morning) I wrote about a somewhat recent friendship in Hot and Cold. When we first started hanging out, we got along like gang-busters. I felt like I had found my new local best friend in her. I was excited and carefree and forgot this rule of thumb. After all, it applies to people dating. This is just a friend. And so, only about a month into really hitting off this friendship, I asked her if she wanted to be my assistant coach for a soccer team I begin coaching at the end of July. She was excited and interested. Sure. Seems all good and great.
Until we hit the cold cycle. And then I wonder if she'll even be around for coaching the kids, and if I should be scouting for back-ups. And, I admit, it prevents me from walking away completely. Because we have this outstanding commitment and I don't want to be pissy towards her and have her be pissy towards me while we're trying to coach. I don't THINK that will happen, but then, I didn't predict the cold phases, either. So-o-o... sticky situation (she types while licking the chocolate off her fingers from her leftovers from celebrating National Donut day yesterday.. sorry, got distracted..)
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Of course, it's Barney who points this out. And whether or not, in real life, we should take any advice about life from Barney is, well, questionable. Because he's a TV character. And a TV character with questionable morals. But that's beside the point.
Anyway, Ted makes arrangements to do something well in advance, or is asked to do something well in advanced (like go to a wedding, or some trip or something). And Barney's rule of thumb is that you don't make plans with a girl farther ahead in time than the amount of time you've known her.
If you've been going out a month, you don't make plans for two months in advance. If you've only been dating for three months, you don't make plans for six months out, etc., etc. At first that seems silly. Until you put it into practice. Or don't as the case may be.
Last night (early this morning) I wrote about a somewhat recent friendship in Hot and Cold. When we first started hanging out, we got along like gang-busters. I felt like I had found my new local best friend in her. I was excited and carefree and forgot this rule of thumb. After all, it applies to people dating. This is just a friend. And so, only about a month into really hitting off this friendship, I asked her if she wanted to be my assistant coach for a soccer team I begin coaching at the end of July. She was excited and interested. Sure. Seems all good and great.
Until we hit the cold cycle. And then I wonder if she'll even be around for coaching the kids, and if I should be scouting for back-ups. And, I admit, it prevents me from walking away completely. Because we have this outstanding commitment and I don't want to be pissy towards her and have her be pissy towards me while we're trying to coach. I don't THINK that will happen, but then, I didn't predict the cold phases, either. So-o-o... sticky situation (she types while licking the chocolate off her fingers from her leftovers from celebrating National Donut day yesterday.. sorry, got distracted..)
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Hot and Cold
So I have this friend. And she seems to run hot and cold. (Actually, I have several friends I could describe that way, but we'll ignore the pattern for now...)
When she's cold, it is easy to walk away, count myself lucky not to have become more involved in her and her life, and just write off my losses. But when she's "hot" - or even "warm" - I find it hard to walk away.
Now I'm sensitive enough, compassionate enough (I'd like to think) to recognize that these cold moments may have nothing to do with me. That there may be other issues and things in her life going on that have nothing to do with me, that affect, nonetheless, the way she treats me.
And I think, in my cycle of rationalization, that this is why when she warms up, I'm willing to let my memory of the "cold" melt away.
But I know, too, in all that self-helpy-crap kinda stuff, that people treat you the way you let them treat you. (Oh, shit, we're going back to the pattern, after all.. damn!). And so I struggle to figure out what is the appropriate way to respond to these varying cycles.
In theory, again in my cycle of rationalization, when she's displayed a cold front, I walk away. I do not stick around to continue to feel like crap. And, in theory again because life is full of theories, I'd like to think she warms up because she misses my company, and wants it back. And clearly the acting cold thing isn't working.
But is she learning about the consequences of her behavior? Is she even aware of her behavior? Again, that whole other things in her life causing it might make her unaware of how she's treating others, well, at least me.
And it feels petty to say, "I felt like crap when you paid more attention to x than me.." I mean, really? How old am I? I recognize dealing with situations head on is the mature thing to do, but this feels like a petty thing to do.
So, she warmed up this week a little, and invited me to join her for something this weekend. I can only imagine the wagging tail giving away my eagerness to be included, and making my attempts to be cool, and unaffected moot. But the reality is I'm not sure I want to spend time with her this weekend. I'm still a little upset and hurt from before. And I have no guarantee that if I spend this time with her, she'll be different...
So here I am at 1:30 AM up and agonizing over whether I want to join her this weekend or not. I blew her off last weekend because I *wasn't* ready to deal with her again.
The Dalai Lama would say be compassionate. But what really does that mean in this situation? Be forgiving of her more thoughtless moments? That's kinda how I feel, in theory. In reality, I'm still pissed. I recognize that. Because I'm still hurt. And I feel unacknowledged. But isn't that all self-centered and egotistical of me? I mean really, I'm upset because she didn't give me the attention that I wanted and made me feel like my presence at that moment in time was unnecessary, and perhaps a slight annoyance. Maybe I was a slight annoyance. Idk.
But it isn't too much to want to feel special. Is it?
P.S. This is NOT the friend who is working from Twitter-verse! I'm not so cruel or narcissistic as to think that a person should not be occupied by a new job. This is much different, and she knows that this is not her...
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
When she's cold, it is easy to walk away, count myself lucky not to have become more involved in her and her life, and just write off my losses. But when she's "hot" - or even "warm" - I find it hard to walk away.
Now I'm sensitive enough, compassionate enough (I'd like to think) to recognize that these cold moments may have nothing to do with me. That there may be other issues and things in her life going on that have nothing to do with me, that affect, nonetheless, the way she treats me.
And I think, in my cycle of rationalization, that this is why when she warms up, I'm willing to let my memory of the "cold" melt away.
But I know, too, in all that self-helpy-crap kinda stuff, that people treat you the way you let them treat you. (Oh, shit, we're going back to the pattern, after all.. damn!). And so I struggle to figure out what is the appropriate way to respond to these varying cycles.
In theory, again in my cycle of rationalization, when she's displayed a cold front, I walk away. I do not stick around to continue to feel like crap. And, in theory again because life is full of theories, I'd like to think she warms up because she misses my company, and wants it back. And clearly the acting cold thing isn't working.
But is she learning about the consequences of her behavior? Is she even aware of her behavior? Again, that whole other things in her life causing it might make her unaware of how she's treating others, well, at least me.
And it feels petty to say, "I felt like crap when you paid more attention to x than me.." I mean, really? How old am I? I recognize dealing with situations head on is the mature thing to do, but this feels like a petty thing to do.
So, she warmed up this week a little, and invited me to join her for something this weekend. I can only imagine the wagging tail giving away my eagerness to be included, and making my attempts to be cool, and unaffected moot. But the reality is I'm not sure I want to spend time with her this weekend. I'm still a little upset and hurt from before. And I have no guarantee that if I spend this time with her, she'll be different...
So here I am at 1:30 AM up and agonizing over whether I want to join her this weekend or not. I blew her off last weekend because I *wasn't* ready to deal with her again.
The Dalai Lama would say be compassionate. But what really does that mean in this situation? Be forgiving of her more thoughtless moments? That's kinda how I feel, in theory. In reality, I'm still pissed. I recognize that. Because I'm still hurt. And I feel unacknowledged. But isn't that all self-centered and egotistical of me? I mean really, I'm upset because she didn't give me the attention that I wanted and made me feel like my presence at that moment in time was unnecessary, and perhaps a slight annoyance. Maybe I was a slight annoyance. Idk.
But it isn't too much to want to feel special. Is it?
P.S. This is NOT the friend who is working from Twitter-verse! I'm not so cruel or narcissistic as to think that a person should not be occupied by a new job. This is much different, and she knows that this is not her...
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Twitter-verse
My current best friend (because, honestly, I have about 10 people during my life-time who have held this title, and it's kind of a lifetime achievement award, so my best friend from 1st grade still is referred to as my best friend, but she isn't who I am referring to here and now!) has had the nerve to go and get herself a full time job (bitch!). She lives a bit of a distance from me, so we're electronic best friends at this point (although we have known each other in real life, so it's not AS creepy as it might seem..). Her more flexible schedule made her a more, um, reliable, um, responsive sounding board.
But now that she's got this full time job AND (again, the nerve!) a social life! (bitch!) I find myself feeling a little neglected and lonely.
One of the reasons I stated early on for creating this blog was to be a receptacle for all the crazy things that go through my head that I have to share with someone. Because often sharing with just ONE someone becomes a bit too overwhelming.
I admit, I'm a little scared to look in my sent folder at the twenty e-mails I sent to her yesterday (still unresponded to mostly, because, um, she was working!) because I know at least ONE of them expounded upon the fact that I discovered yesterday that I prefer hair wax to hair gel.
Really important stuff. I am sure once she reads that, she'll get back to me right away, right? No, more likely, she'll probably wonder why I am wasting her limited time with such nonsense.
Particulalry when there's Twitter.
I admit it. Twitter is growing on me. I do now check it more than once a day when at first, of course, I could go days or weeks without checking it. After all, the only reason I got on Twitter was to get Jenny The Bloggess' attention. And I did. She's my very first follower. Now I have 28 followers, and have done 302 tweets.
I know over half of the followers came in the past week, and primarily from #wineparty Kit of Blogging Dangerously's weekly Twitter party.
Facebook users think of themselves as being more high-brow than twitter. I know. I felt that way, myself. And I'm not sure whether we are or are not, and of course there are PLENTY of cross-overs between FB and Twitter, so it's not like there are two distinct camps. But there is this notion on FB that if you do start to brain fart dump in it (hair wax versus hair gel) that you'll soon get people hiding your news from their newsfeeds. Or at least gloss over them, as I do.
Twitter requires cleverness. Or recognizing cleverness and retweeting it. The goal of Twitter is not to be "friends" with everyone you meet or tweet or whatever. You don't have to worry about someone's standards on Twitter that they'll begin to gloss over you. They're not looking for baby news, or how your life is going, or what your children did, or how your career is skyrocketing. They're not looking for lengthy in depth political discussions (although many of us on FB aren't either, but sometimes find ourselves caught in the quicksand morass of them). Twitter is simple.
I'm falling fot Twitter. And maybe, instead of innundating my hard working (bitch) best friend's e-mail box with many messages of no value I should just bombard Twitter with the update of the important sutff like hair wax versus gel. Because I know you're interested.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
But now that she's got this full time job AND (again, the nerve!) a social life! (bitch!) I find myself feeling a little neglected and lonely.
One of the reasons I stated early on for creating this blog was to be a receptacle for all the crazy things that go through my head that I have to share with someone. Because often sharing with just ONE someone becomes a bit too overwhelming.
I admit, I'm a little scared to look in my sent folder at the twenty e-mails I sent to her yesterday (still unresponded to mostly, because, um, she was working!) because I know at least ONE of them expounded upon the fact that I discovered yesterday that I prefer hair wax to hair gel.
Really important stuff. I am sure once she reads that, she'll get back to me right away, right? No, more likely, she'll probably wonder why I am wasting her limited time with such nonsense.
Particulalry when there's Twitter.
I admit it. Twitter is growing on me. I do now check it more than once a day when at first, of course, I could go days or weeks without checking it. After all, the only reason I got on Twitter was to get Jenny The Bloggess' attention. And I did. She's my very first follower. Now I have 28 followers, and have done 302 tweets.
I know over half of the followers came in the past week, and primarily from #wineparty Kit of Blogging Dangerously's weekly Twitter party.
Facebook users think of themselves as being more high-brow than twitter. I know. I felt that way, myself. And I'm not sure whether we are or are not, and of course there are PLENTY of cross-overs between FB and Twitter, so it's not like there are two distinct camps. But there is this notion on FB that if you do start to brain fart dump in it (hair wax versus hair gel) that you'll soon get people hiding your news from their newsfeeds. Or at least gloss over them, as I do.
Twitter requires cleverness. Or recognizing cleverness and retweeting it. The goal of Twitter is not to be "friends" with everyone you meet or tweet or whatever. You don't have to worry about someone's standards on Twitter that they'll begin to gloss over you. They're not looking for baby news, or how your life is going, or what your children did, or how your career is skyrocketing. They're not looking for lengthy in depth political discussions (although many of us on FB aren't either, but sometimes find ourselves caught in the quicksand morass of them). Twitter is simple.
I'm falling fot Twitter. And maybe, instead of innundating my hard working (bitch) best friend's e-mail box with many messages of no value I should just bombard Twitter with the update of the important sutff like hair wax versus gel. Because I know you're interested.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
SS DD
Same Shit. Different Day.
When I was a teenager, like so many teenagers (I think it's a job requirement), I was a bit, um, dramatic. I was a drama queen. Everything was about me, or had to do with me. That butterfly flapped its wings in China to make some point to me.
And then I grew up, met my wife, bought the house (no white picket fence, but it was there symbolically), had a stable career (at the time, in hindsight.. well...), and was settled and happy, for the most part. Life, of course, had its difficulties. It was life, after all. But for the most part, I was content with my life and fairly drama free.
In hindsight, it could have been because I was living with a woman who, instead, drew and created all the drama. Because she was the drama queen, I had to be the stable one who was not dramatic. I'm not sure.
I had always liked to think, instead, it was about me getting to a place of maturity where I knew it didn't have to be all about me. Where I was comfortable enough that I didn't have to whine and complain my way through life.
Then the life I had built fell apart. Huge crash - earthquake, tsunami um.. wait, I'm detecting a pattern here. Let's just say there was a "dramatic" end. And I have worked hard to make sure that this particular event in my life does not define my life. But I know, on occasions, it most certainly does. Whether I want it to or not.
It is hard to step back outside of your life and see if you are being a drama queen. When you're in the midst of the drama, it feels perfectly normal and understandable that the world IS out to mess particularly with you. It is easy to see the drama in others, but not so much in you.
I wonder, sometimes, whether we create the drama (and by we, I mean "me" - aren't you paying attention? It's all about me!) specifically to be interesting. Let's face it. Your friend tells you everything is wonderful in her life, and you're bored. You don't want the lovely details of their cool vacation rubbed in your face. You don't want to know that she just got a raise, and her partner does more than 50% of the chores. There is something inherently interesting - to a point- about drama.
The reality is that about 80-95% of our lives (made up statistic) are boring. We get up. We shower, get dressed, ideally eat breakfast, pack our bags, go to work, drop off kids, (probably not in that order), clean house and do chores, go to soccer practice or baseball practice, exercise ideally, watch way too much television, eat lunch and dinner in there somewhere, and then crash to sleep at night. And then we get up and we do it all over again. And many of us seem to do this every day without incident.
Many of us seem to do it without complaining about our spouses, our jobs, our kids, our houses, our cars, the traffic, our co-workers, the weather, the price of gas (oh, who am I kidding? We *all* complain about the cost of gas!), the laundry, the dog, the plumbing. We get up every day and lead responsible lives. And then get up again the next day and do the same thing.
I don't want to live an overly dramatic life. But I can't seem - at the moment, at least - to lead the same boring life day after day, either. How do you find contentment on the treadmill of life? How do we find satisfaction when it's the same shit, just a different day?
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
When I was a teenager, like so many teenagers (I think it's a job requirement), I was a bit, um, dramatic. I was a drama queen. Everything was about me, or had to do with me. That butterfly flapped its wings in China to make some point to me.
And then I grew up, met my wife, bought the house (no white picket fence, but it was there symbolically), had a stable career (at the time, in hindsight.. well...), and was settled and happy, for the most part. Life, of course, had its difficulties. It was life, after all. But for the most part, I was content with my life and fairly drama free.
In hindsight, it could have been because I was living with a woman who, instead, drew and created all the drama. Because she was the drama queen, I had to be the stable one who was not dramatic. I'm not sure.
I had always liked to think, instead, it was about me getting to a place of maturity where I knew it didn't have to be all about me. Where I was comfortable enough that I didn't have to whine and complain my way through life.
Then the life I had built fell apart. Huge crash - earthquake, tsunami um.. wait, I'm detecting a pattern here. Let's just say there was a "dramatic" end. And I have worked hard to make sure that this particular event in my life does not define my life. But I know, on occasions, it most certainly does. Whether I want it to or not.
It is hard to step back outside of your life and see if you are being a drama queen. When you're in the midst of the drama, it feels perfectly normal and understandable that the world IS out to mess particularly with you. It is easy to see the drama in others, but not so much in you.
I wonder, sometimes, whether we create the drama (and by we, I mean "me" - aren't you paying attention? It's all about me!) specifically to be interesting. Let's face it. Your friend tells you everything is wonderful in her life, and you're bored. You don't want the lovely details of their cool vacation rubbed in your face. You don't want to know that she just got a raise, and her partner does more than 50% of the chores. There is something inherently interesting - to a point- about drama.
The reality is that about 80-95% of our lives (made up statistic) are boring. We get up. We shower, get dressed, ideally eat breakfast, pack our bags, go to work, drop off kids, (probably not in that order), clean house and do chores, go to soccer practice or baseball practice, exercise ideally, watch way too much television, eat lunch and dinner in there somewhere, and then crash to sleep at night. And then we get up and we do it all over again. And many of us seem to do this every day without incident.
Many of us seem to do it without complaining about our spouses, our jobs, our kids, our houses, our cars, the traffic, our co-workers, the weather, the price of gas (oh, who am I kidding? We *all* complain about the cost of gas!), the laundry, the dog, the plumbing. We get up every day and lead responsible lives. And then get up again the next day and do the same thing.
I don't want to live an overly dramatic life. But I can't seem - at the moment, at least - to lead the same boring life day after day, either. How do you find contentment on the treadmill of life? How do we find satisfaction when it's the same shit, just a different day?
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Crazy
I have had more than one person ask me lately if I thought they were crazy.
And I can't help but wonder if that isn't a universal question we all ask at some point?
Someone wise (who I can't remember) once said that if you're asking if you are crazy it means you're not. Crazy people, apparently, are just crazy. They don't ask such silly questions.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
And I can't help but wonder if that isn't a universal question we all ask at some point?
Someone wise (who I can't remember) once said that if you're asking if you are crazy it means you're not. Crazy people, apparently, are just crazy. They don't ask such silly questions.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Wine Party - Twitter
Thanks to my new twitter friends from Wine Party (#wineparty) for a very positive experience to outweigh last week's crazy one. Perhaps Twitter isn't so bad after all!!
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
dyke, insanity, relationships, romantic
These are the tags for the "Unfinished Masterpieces" entry and I can't help but look at those four words together and laugh.
Dykes DO have insane romantic relationships. (Of course, so does everybody else, but, I can only speak from direct experience about relationships with dykes).
We also have romantic relationships with insane people. (Of course, so does everybody else, ... )
Perhaps even pursuing romantic relationships is a sign of insanity to begin with.
But it is no coincidence that we describe ourselves, when in love, as being "crazy" about someone.
And clearly those who have been hurt by others think that it's crazy to think that romantic relationships are worthwhile.
Whatever the case, while I'd like to think of "insanity" as the Sesame Street thing which does not belong, the reality is that it does.
So be it.
Resistance is futile.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Dykes DO have insane romantic relationships. (Of course, so does everybody else, but, I can only speak from direct experience about relationships with dykes).
We also have romantic relationships with insane people. (Of course, so does everybody else, ... )
Perhaps even pursuing romantic relationships is a sign of insanity to begin with.
But it is no coincidence that we describe ourselves, when in love, as being "crazy" about someone.
And clearly those who have been hurt by others think that it's crazy to think that romantic relationships are worthwhile.
Whatever the case, while I'd like to think of "insanity" as the Sesame Street thing which does not belong, the reality is that it does.
So be it.
Resistance is futile.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Same song, different drummer...
In my twitter experience last weekend, at one point, the person told me: "All women lie and this story you relayed to me I've been told almost word for word before."
I had a lot of responses to that statement. I admit one was feeling shocked and dumbfounded about being called a liar. But the other, frankly, was sadness. That so many other people had a similar story.
I had tried to explain to her that I was protective of my location because my ex-wife is an ex-cop. And towards the end, frankly, she became more and more volatile, and she did still own a gun. While I had strong doubts that she would travel many states to find me, or bring her gun with her, I also had never expected her to do many of the things she had done in the last few months. And in the end, murder-suicide was definitely on the table as a possibility.
My memory is kind to me - it makes me forget all of these horrible things I experienced. It softens my memories. But something will happen, or a conversation will take a particular turn, and then my memory does come back. I prefer to keep the past in the past and move forward.
I didn't give her all of these details. Mostly I just said, ex is an ex-cop with a gun, and I don't want her to know where I am. There weren't that many words that I gave her to distinguish me from whoever also told her the same story.
My response, I'll admit, reflected some of the snippiness I was feeling as a result of being called a liar, and accused of playing mind games. But there was a genuine sadness involved as well: "Well, aren't you blessed that you've never been in such a situation, and so many of us have?"
This morning I was tripping down memory lane and re-reading some of my earlier entries. Trying to see if I was developing a consistent style, a consistent theme. I've now written 70+ entries - how much have I told you and how much still do I have to share that I wanted to tell you? Quite a lot is the answer to both parts of that question.
And if I had practiced patience and waited to respond, perhaps I could have shared with my "friend" one of my earlier posts: Assimilation, where I discuss how my story is the same as everyone else's. So she shouldn't be so surprised when mine sounds word for word of someone else she knows. That's kinda been one of my points all along. I just forgot it at that moment..
We are all one - there are no new stories. Basically, it's just the same song, with a different drummer. Resistance is futile.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
I had a lot of responses to that statement. I admit one was feeling shocked and dumbfounded about being called a liar. But the other, frankly, was sadness. That so many other people had a similar story.
I had tried to explain to her that I was protective of my location because my ex-wife is an ex-cop. And towards the end, frankly, she became more and more volatile, and she did still own a gun. While I had strong doubts that she would travel many states to find me, or bring her gun with her, I also had never expected her to do many of the things she had done in the last few months. And in the end, murder-suicide was definitely on the table as a possibility.
My memory is kind to me - it makes me forget all of these horrible things I experienced. It softens my memories. But something will happen, or a conversation will take a particular turn, and then my memory does come back. I prefer to keep the past in the past and move forward.
I didn't give her all of these details. Mostly I just said, ex is an ex-cop with a gun, and I don't want her to know where I am. There weren't that many words that I gave her to distinguish me from whoever also told her the same story.
My response, I'll admit, reflected some of the snippiness I was feeling as a result of being called a liar, and accused of playing mind games. But there was a genuine sadness involved as well: "Well, aren't you blessed that you've never been in such a situation, and so many of us have?"
This morning I was tripping down memory lane and re-reading some of my earlier entries. Trying to see if I was developing a consistent style, a consistent theme. I've now written 70+ entries - how much have I told you and how much still do I have to share that I wanted to tell you? Quite a lot is the answer to both parts of that question.
And if I had practiced patience and waited to respond, perhaps I could have shared with my "friend" one of my earlier posts: Assimilation, where I discuss how my story is the same as everyone else's. So she shouldn't be so surprised when mine sounds word for word of someone else she knows. That's kinda been one of my points all along. I just forgot it at that moment..
We are all one - there are no new stories. Basically, it's just the same song, with a different drummer. Resistance is futile.
-----------------------------
If you like this, stick around and read other entries. Hit a few on the right that are favorites, or go to the home page of the blog, and read from beginning to end. Take a moment to send me some feedback. Thanks for coming. Please come back soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)